The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 01.24.08

Posted by Jeff Small on 01.24.2008

Add Jeff Small to the list of RECENTLY RELEASED!!!

Bwahahahahahahha.

Bwhahahahahhahaha.

And to think, I thought there wasn't going to be anything good to talk about!

And One To Start With…

From a poster named "Oscar", "Ha! I knew you didn't even know 50 writers. Clearly I was right, your arrogance overrates your abilities. You only know 16 and you included yourself on the top 15. AsJacks"

First off, AsJacks? Wasn't that a cereal I enjoyed when I was a kid (A is for Apple, J is for Jacks. Cinnamon toasty Apple Jacks!)? Second, I didn't include myself in the top 16 writers (shit man, at least read the list). Thanks for playing!

Wait for it…


Wait for it…


Keep waiting….


Yes, yes….


WHAMMY!!!!!!!




Eh, Let's Read Another…

From reader "AlexXx", "I can't believe you didn't include R.D. Reynolds in your list. Blasphemous!".

R.D probably would have been included in my next 10 writers. I fancy Burgan (#9) more.

Me:Answering Comments:: JR: Barbeque Sauce

From reader Nick, "Glad you ripped off Flea, Hyatte should be somewhere on this list. What about Eric S? Where's the Scotsman? BRING BACK AL ISAACS!"

THANK GOD!!! I'm glad somebody picked up on it. You can tell that the majority of readers who visit 411Mania are very different from the ones that read 411Wrestling. Not that that's a bad thing.

Overall, I'm glad most of you enjoyed my list. Contrary to popular belief, I was not BURRIED by CSONKA, rather, he just ignored me. So did Randle in his news report but at least he sent me a kind email. Lastly, Meehan and JP offered to buy me drinks during the 411Social before Wrestlemania.

As for those I missed? The majority of you wanted Arnold Furious to be included on the list. Truth is I forgot about him. Sorry. As for Byers, Ari, and the rest, hey, I could have continued my list until I actually hit fifty, but I got tired of it. Overall, it was a fun experience though I can't see myself doing that again unless y'all start forgetting about me.

In today's edition of the #33 best column in the IWC, we take a look at Bobby Lashley's growing desire to leave the WWE, TNA taping a PPV match at their television tapings, and most importantly, Major Dad starring Batista!!!


NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Because it did wonders for the King…

The big news of well today is the startling announcement that Bobby Lashley wants out of his WWE contract. According to his the forum from his website, " Lashley commented, "Circumstances, which are out of my control left me no decision but to leave the WWE. I can't go into details of this now but like I said before, sometimes people will hate you personally and try to destroy you, which has happened here. Evil has prevailed. However like I said before, if you continue your struggle, doors will open around these people. You have not seen the last of me, so please don't stop your support. Add Bobby Lashley to the list of RECENTLY RELEASED!"

Oh man, where to begin? Of course the big question is what is the "evil" that is plaguing Lashley. Leave it to me to speculate!

Bobby Lashley's "evil" is:

a) Krystal's termination a few months ago
b) the Wellness Policy
c) Triple H
d) Cloverfield's shaky camera
e) the White Man
f) All of the above

Tough quiz I know. Out of all the choices, Krystal's termination seems the most likely reason for Lashley wanting to leave. As I (and many others) reported many moons ago, Lashley was trying to convince the WWE that Krystal should be brought over to the Raw brand. Of course this was during the height of the Teddy Long/Krystal marriage storyline. Instead the WWE dumped her ass once she refused to go along with a potential tryst with Edge. Back then I thought she was a stupid bitch for comparing herself to Lita and my thoughts haven't changed. In fact, the WWE has made Vickie Guerrero into an almost passable character through her association with Edge!

I don't really believe the Wellness Policy is to blame for Lashley wanting to leave the company. Lashley has already been suspended due to "elevated liver enzymes" which led to him getting a large push on the ECW brand. Vince clearly liked Brock Lashley enough to give him the most mainstream match heading into last year's Wrestlemania. Steroids be dammed, Lashley's reign of terror would have continued once he returned to Raw.

As for choice "c", it's quite easy to blame Triple H. But I haven't read anything to make me believe that Triple H is the cause of Lashley wanting to leave the organization. Choice "d" is likely too. Just because.

Regardless of the reason that led to this message board posting, it brings up a much larger evil at hand: the ECW Title is cursed! Don't believe me, take a look at the previous holders of the ECW Championship.

CURSED!

Rob Van Dam – Almost immediately after winning the ECW Championship, Rob is pulled over for puffing the mary jane during a road trip with Sabu. Rob immediately dropped the WWE and ECW Championships. Less than a year later, Rob's WWE career ended… for now!

Big Show – The Big Show had the first dominant reign as champion. After defeating all comers, the Big Show lost the title in the most extreme Elimination Chamber ever! The following week, the Big Show left his slave name behind.

Lashley – It's sad to see another ECW Original gone!

Chris Benoit – Benoit was originally going to win the ECW Championship at Vengeance. Uh… I guess you can say, shit happens.

John Morrison – The former Johnny Nitro had a nice push as ECW Championship before the Wellness Policy took his rock-hard abs away. Since his return, Morrison has been stuck in Hell via teaming with the Miz.

CM Punk – He lost the fucking belt to Chavo Guerrero. BURRIED!!!!!

But hey, don't feel too bad for Bobby Lashley. TNA needs another BIG ANNOUCEMENT/MYSTERY PARTNER at their next PPV!

Chris Jericho: Backstage Politician!

Here are a few brief passages from RVD's recent interview with the Baltimore Sun.

On Pinning Santino Marella on the Raw XV Anniversary Show

It was so quick, I forgot to pin him. I'm celebrating with the crowd, and I look over and Mike Chioda, the referee, is squatting and looking at me like, "Are you going to cover him?" I totally forgot.

On Returning to the WWE

One thing that's for sure is that WWE and I do have a good-faith understanding that if and when I'm ready to return that I'll be talking to them. They look forward and hope that we'll be doing business again. They hope it's real soon. Honestly, I'm free as can be. I would also consider the lighter schedule from another company. But, honestly, giving up the prestige of the WWE would be something that I would look at as a downward move.

On the New ECW

When it was brought back, that was like my last real serious run of inspiration. Really, I didn't even want to go to WWE in 2001. I knew that it wasn't my favorite style, my favorite showcasing of my abilities, but it was definitely the best business move…

A little while later when they started killing the spirit of ECW, my passion came down. I was telling them, "What you're doing is going to destroy ECW. ECW fans won't get behind this." And I was hearing ridiculous things such as, "Rob, people don't remember the old ECW." I'd say, "What are you talking about, Vince? Why do you think they chant ‘E-C-W?' " "Well, because I trained them to do that over the last five years when they see something extreme." How do you argue against something like that?

On Backstage Politics

I've always felt like my existence there made other wrestlers feel threatened. They were threatened because I was doing it my way. I don't go with the formula. I don't kiss [butt], I don't play politics, and yet I'm connected to the fans in such a way that when I step through those curtains, you can't stop me…

Jericho, his politics frustrated me so much that when I'd be in the ring with him, I was pretty sure I was going be busting him open and it was going be a receipt. He was going to give it to me and I was going give it back to him. That's one way to do business…

When I talk about that, a lot of people are surprised about that, including him from what I understand. Someone said that he was like, "Really? Rob said that?" He was crazy in 2001. He felt like he was promised the world and they didn't deliver. And then I came in and all of a sudden it's like he felt that I grabbed his dinner plate off the table and walked off with it. When I came in and had to wrestle with him, you wouldn't believe some of the conversations that were going on where he's trying to protect himself as much as possible and treat me like an idiot at the same time. He was like, "No, they don't like that stuff here. They like it simple." No, I'm not simple. It was very, very frustrating.


Overall, this was probably the best RVD interview I've read in a long time. Usually he just bitches about Triple H. In this one, he also bitched about Chris Jericho. Huzzah!

Lose the Date!

According to James Guttman's radio show, "Mae Young she had been promised a match with Aurora Rose Lavesque, Hunter and Stephanie's daughter, on her 100th birthday. Aurora will be 17 at the time. Set your calendars for May 12, 2022."

That week, I shall vote for Aurora Rose as my Wrestling of the Week. Larry shall cry.

You are on Hell Date!

According to Time Out New York , "Batista told a funny story about his 15-year old daughter and a potential boyfriend that she brought over to the house. They were playing a game of pool while Batista spectated the game. During the game, Batista picked up a pool cue and jokingly threatened to beat the boy with it. The boy proceeded to burst into tears in fright, but they calmed him down and explained he was only messing around."

Oh man, that kid is a pussy! Seriously, would you be afraid of this:



Yes, that's going to be the next Dancin' Brock! You puppets better love it!!!

Royal Rumble Preview

Back in the day, I used to spend a lot more time previewing Pay Per Views. That was back in the day when I had my lackey (and before that, myself) do PPV match simulations with the Smackdown vs. Raw video game. After Wilcox decided to divest his interests elsewhere, I stopped previewing PPVs. While I won't be bringing back the simulator anytime soon, I do plan on previewing this Sunday's Royal Rumble.

Like many, the Rumble is my most anticipated PPV of the year. The Rumble is the first step on the road to Wrestlemania and is very important in starting the build to the big show. Throw in the fact that the Rumble is still the greatest gimmick match in the business and it's no wonder why I'm so excited for the January PPV.

This year, the actual Royal Rumble match is overshadowed by the Main Event of Randy Orton vs. Jeff Hardy. Probably the last time a singles match overshadowed the actual Rumble was in 2000 when Cactus Jack returned from obscurity to take on Triple H. Funny how MSG was also the location of that show. Since 2000, there hasn't been a World Title match of this magnitude (while Benoit/Angle was a great match, it wasn't the most hyped match of the evening). Jeff Hardy has been pushed as a serious threat to the WWE Championship and could possibly defeat Randy Orton this Sunday. What should have been a throwaway championship match (like Edge/Rey Mysterio) has turned into the possible start of Jeff Hardy: the main eventer.

As for the rest of the card,

Edge vs. Rey Mysterio should be a good match, due to the participants, but really does not matter much in the long run. The bigger storyline is whether CM Punk will interfere in the match. After Edge cost Punk the ECW Championship this week, all focus switched from Rey to Punk. The unfortunate thing here is that we know that the Undertaker is waiting in the wings for Wrestlemania so even a Edge/Punk feud would have to be short-lived.

I can't see Jericho/JBL be anything more than a "bowling shoe-ugly" street fight. I can't see the feud ending here so it's up to the ending of the match to see if this feud has enough legs to last to Wrestlemania.

Thanks to the "retirement" storyline, Flair vs. MVP should have enough heat to be a successful opener. I don't expect much out of Flair here; rather, my eyes will be waiting a Matt Hardy return.

Last but certainly not least is the actual Rumble match. Shame that it's being overlooked since there's no clear-cut winner. Triple H, Batista, the Undertaker are all possibilities but all three have already won the Rumble in the past. Will the WWE give someone else a shot at winning the Rumble or will one of these past winner use their expertise to pick up another win. All I know is that K-Kwik ain't going to win this one!


JP HATES ME: EPISODE 1

So two weeks ago, JP canceled on the ROH show in Boston. He promised to make it up to me by mentioning the possibility of attending the WWE House Show this coming weekend. That was until today. Lo and behold, JP canceled on me again! Will Small and JP ever attend a wrestling show together? Tune in next time to JP HATES ME!


NEWS FROM O-TOWN

I wonder if tacks were involved.

Due to the South Carolina Athletic Commission's recent decision not to allow the Barbed Wire Massacre Match to take place at the Against All Odds PPV, TNA taped the match at their most recent television tapings.

Personally, with the match already taped, there's no sense to have it at the PPV. Nothing says "let's kill a crowd" more than having them stare at a video-tron for 15 minutes to watch a glorified snoozefest. Seriously, if you've seen one Abyss barbed wire match, you've seen them all. What TNA should have done was tape the match for television and build to a different gimmick match at the PPV. Instead the majority of the few thousand fans who will purchase this PPV will already know the outcome to the match. At least the spoilers aren't that detailed.

But she would have fit in with the Spirit Squad!

From the main page, "Awesome Kong's new manager is Melissa Anderson, better known as Cheerleader Melissa. She has been waiting for a break for years, and WWE has shown no interest because she doesn't fit their "Diva Mold." Her role will be to manage Kong for now, cutting promos and interfering on her behalf as needed. There was talk of placing Kong with James Mitchell, but the feeling is that everyone involved in the Mitchell/Abyss/Mesias angle is going nowhere. Most feel Mitchell would have been a perfect fit for Kong, but with Spike's mandate of no "man on woman violence," he wouldn't be able to get involved in matches."

Unlike Byers or even Larry, I have only seen a select handful of Cheerleader Melissa matches. Considering she was unable to do much against Mickie James or Victoria on WWE Heat, I will reserve comment until I see her go up against someone of a viable stature: Christy Hemme!


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Next week, I won't be here. I'm not really sure who will take my place but I'll be too busy gambling my 411 Paycheck away. I'll see you in two!!! Until then…

Number five's in tomorrow.

For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!