The Seventh Dimension 01.25.08: Film Me Up, Guv.

Posted by T.G. Corke on 01.25.2008

What can we expect from WWE's movie-making geniuses in the next couple of years? I aim to find out. I won't, obviously. But what the heck, we'll crack open a couple of brews and get drunk off our counterfeit knowledge like we always do. Chin-chin!



Welcome, welcome. Here it is, the one you've been waiting all week to read. The Friday Night Trite. The article that's changing the course of history, and all that other histrionic rubbish that doesn't actually make any sense when written down. How the hell do you change history, let alone the course of it? The course is, by virtue of being the course of history, history itself. And how would creating something that affects the PRESENT erode what went before? Is time like a cassette? Do you have to tape over what's already happened in order to recognise what's happening now?! Huh?? ANSWER ME!!! I should have had a vasectomy…

*Clears throat* Anyway, enough about me. Let's talk about you. Or rather, let's talk about what you're going to be watching in the next few months. More specifically, I have summoned my great future-telling powers to project to you the WWE's upcoming crop of cinematic crap.

Popcorn at the ready – lights, camera, article!

Film Me Up, Guv

It's important to note, first of all, that the executives in charge will surely want to look into new genres over the next few months. So far, the company has attempted horror, action and, well, action again. But, while I imagine that they shall quite rightly revert to these styles in the future, the first allocation of movie ventures will no doubt try to bring in a new audience. It's all very well pulling in a few punters who want to see guns and puns, but what about the more sophisticated of us that need more substance than that? Or, for that matter, the fairer sex who potentially would like to see something even LESS taxing on their brains, while still enjoying the benefits of their favourite acne-addled, lycra-clad drug-quaffer? So, I shall imagine that the span of genus shall be very broad. Let's remember to keep an open mind about these, shall we?

Without further ado, here are the five most forthcoming motion pictures from the makers of The Condemned, The Marine, and See No Evil.

Grave Danger
Thriller
Starring – Paul ‘Triple H' Levesque, Courtney Cox Arquette, Bernard-Pierre Donnadieu.
Set in the fictional village of Greenford, Connecticut, the story follows a man known only as ‘The Hunter', who is notoriously blamed for a number of strange disappearances that have taken place over the years. As he is so popular with the townsfolk, and because his wife is the daughter of the mayor, no charges are ever pressed against him. However, when two young friends – Brian and Paul – are found buried alive under a hedge, a M.I.L.F. police-officer named Gonica Meller decides that the only man who can help her bring down the demon is Raymond Lemorne, who was of course the perpetrator in the film The Vanishing (Jeff Bridges was available, but nobody was interested because the American remake of The Vanishing was drivel). The film is more about suspense than it is about shocks and scare-tactics, and likely takes much of its inspiration from movies like The Gift and Infernal Affairs. Look out for cameos from Jeff Hardy and Umaga, who play non-identical twins claiming that ‘The Hunter' is misunderstood, only to end up suspended…from a bridge.
Chances of Success – 6/10

You Stupid Bastard!
Brit-Flick
Starring – Darren ‘William Regal' Matthews, Paul Birchall, Layla El
London. The capital of the United Kingdom, a metropolitan wet-dream yet with history up to its arsehole, is overrun by low-life petty crooks. For years, Donnie Poofwhacker (played by Matthews) has been the head of the family. However, he is now ailing after a long and storied life at the top. It is up to his son, ‘Pirate' Godfrey Loveaduck (Birchall) to take his reign as the cream of the crop. Meanwhile, matters are complicated when new female policewoman Suzanne Clark (El) finds herself becoming more and more attracted to Loveaduck's cockney charm and violent wit. With Richard Griffiths playing the police superintendent and Vinnie Jones as a dead horse being beaten, think of Sexy Beast and Layer Cake for this one. Bound to be quite popular with the international market, but not so much in the United States.
Chances of Success – 4/10

I Love You So Much
Romance
Starring – Anthony ‘Santino Marella' Carelli, Maria Kanellis, Ashton Kutcher
Picture the scene – you're happily engaged to the wealthiest, most strident man in town. You love being with him, and you get to be with him a lot as you happen to work in the same incredibly well-paying restaurant owned by the Sultan of Brunei. However, you kind of crave the more modest times you left behind. And so, when a lowly, recently-widowed toilet attendant shows signs of a very sincere attraction to your breasts, what do you do? That's the dilemma that faces Kanellis's character, Libby Tucan, when she meets Kutcher's Justin Hairclip, much to the chagrin of Hamish FitzNasty (played by Carelli). The acting in this one would be wooden at best, aside from Santino and a cameo by Demi Moore as the ghost of Hairclip's dead wife. However, that simply wouldn't matter. This would easily be a sentimental favourite, and a cinch for attracting feminine audiences. Look out for James Cromwell playing a kindly old tramp in this Wedding Crashers rip-off.
Chances of Success – 7/10

I Need A Wee-Wee
Buddy Movie
Starring – Dave Finlay, Dylan ‘Hornswoggle' Postl, Adam Sandler
Parenthood is a stressful thing to deal with, but especially so when you're having to look after an adult midget dressed as a leprechaun. Even worse is when you're required, by law under punishment of death, to drive said dwarf across the country – which, despite the fact that they are presumably Irish, is America – in order to give a Powerpoint presentation to a committee of dolphins. Fortunately for Mick Jacobs (Finlay), and his nephew Grant (Postl), they have their loathsome neighbour, Adam Sandler's character Peter McJocelyn, to drive them to their destination in time. Along their way, the three shall pursue such hilarious causes as trying to mate stick insects, running away from Nazi supremacists who think they're gays, and falling for the same woman – nineteen year-old law student Talula Serengeti, portrayed by Mena Suvari, who might be able to get them out of their predicament. As far as mindless humour goes, nothing beats the sight of a short man using a large man as a battering ram in order to get out of a burning house. Think crap like Are We There Yet? and (the brilliant) Dumb and Dumber. Oh, and Stuck On Me if there's a poignant message about acceptance tagged on to the end.
Chances of Success – 5/10

Tears of a Jabroni
Social Commentary
Starring – Philip Seymour Hoffman as Jake Roberts, Cate Blanchett as Chris Benoit, Bill Pullman as Scott Hall
All too often, the use of drugs is glamourised by the press. ‘Musicians' such as Amy Winehouse are constantly seen sticking needles in their faces and chewing on used cigarette filters. What's the public's response to this? Is it "these people are idiots"? No, it's "mummy, can I go out without a shirt on like that man?" The idea of this film, shot entirely in black and white and constantly interrupted by celebrity recitals of war poems, is to make sure that we at home recognise the dangers of substance abuse. What kind of a world are we living in where smashing your skull in weekly and sustaining life-altering injuries all over the world for the sake of a few dollars can condone the use of painkillers? It's not fucking on. And so, WWE has cast two of Hollywood's most respected actors and Bill Pullman to set the record straight. Although this assignment has garnered critiques that accuse those in charge of being biased towards their own interests – as considered evident in the song ‘Murdering Monster', by the WWE-exclusive band Chris Benoit Sucks Cocks In Hell – lawyer Jerry McDevitt assures the viewer that WWE has the subjects' best interests at heart. And, in a way, I agree. I suppose Good Night And Good Luck could be considered a stimulus, though only because it's in black and white and is culturally significant. This film would be difficult to pigeon-hole, which could perhaps pressure the ‘E not to make it.
Chances of success – 2/10

The order of these releases is really up to those in charge. I know I'd be happy to wait three, four, maybe even five years before sitting through any of these. As long as it meant the quality would justify the length of time it took to create, it's fine by me.

Sadly, however, unforeseen events from both the wrestling world AND the world of Hollywood have prevented a surefire classic from becoming reality…



Now THERE'S something I'd have paid to see.

Rubbish Youtube Quote of the Week~!

From Part Six of Louis Theroux's brilliant documentary 'Behind Bars':

UlsterScotKeith
FUCK OFF ALL YOU YOUTUBE CUNTS!

You know, it's strange…I've respected Scott Keith for many years, and quite frankly I don't know what provoked him to use such a crass tone. Actually, this is a kind of ‘unholy trinity' of personality features – he's Scottish, but he lives in Ulster in Northern Ireland, and his name is Keith. On their own, each of these things would simmer under the usual extravagances of life itself. However, when combined, they have conditioned a chaos effect the likes of which is, thankfully, seldom-seen. This man is Chernobyl.

But that's not the best part! The most satisfying fun comes from looking at his channel. See, he hates Youtube but he has decorated his profile to an extent usually limited to those indie chicks with small tits who record video-blogs about what they received in the mail that day. Where's the paradox there? Hmm? All right, I must admit that I'm guilty of a similar crime – I've absolutely pimped my Myspace despite regular efforts to delete the damn thing that have, to date, remained fruitless – but this just takes the piss when coalesced with the derision he's aimed at other users for seemingly no reason. And, judging by the wealth of offensive comments he has obtained, I'd be willing to guess that the above comment was NOT a singular instance. Here are just a few examples:

"go eat paint, wanker"
"Fucking queer, suck my dick you cock riding cunt."
"Go suck a goat chode queer."
"You're a lonely jealous heartless bastard."
"You're a sad, socially-deprived hypocritical cunt-rash with inferior genitals and a fetish for sniffing your mother's farts."

That, my friends, is what you get for being obnoxious in this day and age. Well, either that or your own trailer.

Wrestlelife

The Matter: Remember the wine party I mentioned a couple of weeks ago? The one that, as it turned out, didn't take place even though I was assured it WAS taking place at that moment in time, and that I was so pissed off when I arrived to find I'd been lied to (and the consequent mockery afterwards as a couple of people, who shall as ever remain nameless, decided to make it their mission to drive home my inferiority with their every passing breath) that I ended up kicking one of them and leaving? Well, it doesn't really matter if you don't remember, as that's the gist of it. Needless to say, it was a bad night and I've felt stupid ever since.

This last Friday, despite the fact he was laughing during the actual event itself, and my numerous apology efforts since, my ‘kickee' decided that revenge was in order. So, he used another friend's MSN account to tell me there was a party at a lady-friend's house. There wasn't, of course. Thankfully, not only was she at home when I arrived but she took the whole thing on the chin and was nothing but kind in letting me sit in her room until she was ready to go to the REAL gathering. I think we got on well after that, although I can't attest to her sentiments in that regard. To be honest, I personally found it to be rather amusing, if a little embarrassing, and I felt sorrier for her than I did for myself as I've always been of the opinion that she hates me. Despite our good humour of the whole (admittedly rather insignificant) incident, Mr. Footkidneys spent the whole drunken night calling me a cunt after that, to the point where others actually got annoyed with him and started to side with me. That's the steal of the century, right there.

The Link: Wow, there are just so many I can list here. It's a treasure trove of resemblances. Ok, first of all we have the classic ‘Bait and Switch'. I went to the initial assembly under false pretences, and the corollary of this was that I grew tired of the deceit and left for home – a bit like with wrestling, as both the WWE and TNA are infamous for their chopping and changing to the extent that a good number of fans decide to boycott either show. Then, of course, I get the same treatment the next week, as I'm informed of a revelry taking place near the city station when it's actually all the way in Falmer. I guess you could say the party was ‘pre-empted'. You could say that, but you'd be wrong as there was never any goal of this promise being honoured either. Fortunately, a nice girl took pity on me and a small bond was formed. Think George Steele and Miss Elizabeth, except this chick is single I think. Get in. And finally, that who I previously delivered a ‘heel' to the ‘mid-section' continued to lambaste me for my ways, prompting a temporary double-turn. For that short amount of time, I was Stone Cold to his Bret Hart. Shizzle my enormous nizzle.

Feeder Readback

Just the one email this week, which is still more than I expect (or, indeed, covet) with the new comment feature. Still, here it is. From Sousou Sousou, who's written in before.

hello TG my man and my favorite 411 mania columnist and on top of that he's english ....can it get any better?!!
talking seriusly now , i really loved last week column , you're you tube chosen comment were always my favorite part been myself a victim of some real stupid one ...( you should see that guy who sent in a 3 pages : benoit is a murderer ...is there is actually someone that stupid ... i know it's a strange world )
i really enjoyed the part you've spoke about benoit...
don't get me wrong i am most probably the nbr 1 defending benoit fan outthere ,but there is alot of people making it really hard jub to be done with all this idiotic theories they gave.
it's a real miss . some people don't take seriusly any theory even the one based on science and common sense.
we were discussing on chrisjericho.com the benoit tragedy and a lot of stuff were said so when we mentioned the benoit brain damage and what doc said about it the CTE ,the irrationel behavor and the deep depression and all this stuff ,after brinbging all what was said by a professional reasercher ...and after all that effort the best what you can get was :"i can see your point but i'm not really convinced with it ...."!!!
i guess that it's better then :" you're on denial"and it's even better then, after spending a douzen of hours trying to work common sens and bring scientifical argument,guetting:" he's a bloody cold murderer how can you defend him "
see my point!
seriusly, i think you can add now a fix spot in your column for the most peartl of wisdom you can find in forums and i can supply with quiet a number on dily bases ...
i guess it'sa tuff job been a "smart" wrestling fan ,glad to know that i'm not alone ;)
anyway keep on the good work !

I agree that it's just completely exasperating trying to explain true, tested theories in the hope of shedding light, and being met with completely apathy or even contempt for your attempts. A lot of them actually try to turn it around as a criticism of YOU (or me). For instance, when I noted that I was pleased for Benoit that his fans could exist in the knowledge that he was possibly unaware of what he was doing and was therefore incapable of murder, some git called me ‘evil' for "praising brain damage" - before calling Benoit a "cold-blooded murderer" again, which pretty much contradicted his stance. Likewise, those who refuse to believe that Chris could have done it, even with all of the scientific examples, actually convince themselves that the news is keeping them in the dark. I guess with the whole Cena/CNN incident they believe they're now justified in saying such crap, but the problem with that is that they're basically saying that the police are covering something up. Unsurprisingly, they're at a loss as to explain WHY this would be the case for a wrestler with no real influence outside of his profession.

Still, even more annoying are those who constantly change their minds at the drop of a hat. Like I mentioned, both sides are constantly reeling in suckers who are equally incapable of research, and as a result each trait individually overpowers that of the person who, you know, reads the news on a consistent basis. What a world we live in, eh?

Oooh, yeah!

And there goes another week's worth of 7D. As always, leave your words of wisdom and suggestions below, and I'll look into them with much interest. Having said that, I'll probably still just do what I have been doing for the last several weeks - waiting until the final few hours and then blagging it with relentless 'comedy'.

Still, I'm sure you wouldn't have it any other way!

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