The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 02.28.08

Posted by Jeff Small on 02.28.2008

That Small is some kind of something. Boy, this Small is all anybody's ever talking about. So sick and tired of hearing about how brilliant that Small is. Overrated.

And One to Start With…

From commenter Cory, "Jeebus, Small... how is it that you show more personality in your writing that most everyone else here? Favorite 411 writer?

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Keep waiting…"

I'M STILL WAITING DAMMIT! WHY AM I WAITING? Anyway, thanks for the love Cory. Truth is, the day that I become bored writing this news report, the day that I stop writing for good. Is today that day?

Wait for it…


Wait for it…


Keep waiting….


Yes, yes….


WHAMMY!!!!!!!




Welcome back to the always irreverent Small-For-All News Report. In today's edition, we talk about many beefs (Vince/Congress and Rock/Cena), Jeff Hardy's happiness, and Mayweather's payday. Throw in the final inductee into the Small-For-All Black History Month Hall of Fame and enough pictures you could throw a stick at (don't, it will break your monitor) and this one shall be a doozy.

Fun fact: in France, the word "doozy" means penis.

Actually, I just lied to you. It's actually "le chauve à col roulé".




NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

McMahon vs. Congress vs. Wade

From the Wrestling Observer, "Representative Terry of Nebraska brought up Vince McMahon's name and said Vince flipped his finger at this committee and didn't deserve to be on the panel. Rush had mentioned he was upset that out of all the people invited, only George Mitchell (cancer treatment) and McMahon didn't come. Rush said the committee intends to continue to investigate pro wrestling, mentioning Chris Benoit. Rush suggested Vince McMahon make himself available in the future because they aren't done dealing with pro wrestling on this issue. Rep. Cliff Stearns of Florida, who is the most interested on the committee in wrestling, said he believed all leagues should adopt a uniform testing policy that complies with US Anti-Doping Agency standards and that pro wrestling should do so as well, and if pro wrestling doesn't, the government needs to get involved.

Vince McMahon responded by saying that any suggestion that he or WWE have been uncooperative or flipped (my) finger at the committee by not testifying is inaccurate and unfair. He said they have provided 3,000 pages of documents and have fully cooperated with both committees. He said he didn't come because Jerry McDevitt was in trial, and that he had declined 30 days ago and hadn't heard anything until today. "

I have a feeling that we shall be seeing another Kiss My Ass Club soon. There's no way that McMahon won't keep his feelings private on this matter. Especially since Congress came after him first. Representative Terry should feel ticked off as Vince clearly wants nothing to do with Congress (hell he said so in October). Then again, I don't blame Vince. He complied before with his "3000 pages of documents" and while he has made strides to reduce steroid use, they will always be a part of the sports entertainment culture. If Vince has to stand trial in front of Congress, it would put another blemish on sports entertainment and thoroughly hurt the WWE. Congress already has a bone to pick with McMahon so nothing good will come out of this.

As for the argument proposed by Cliff Sterns, why should a fake sport such as professional wrestling have the same testing policy as real athletics? Oh because it's real to me! Ha, fuck that. There are enough differences between each sport that a uniform testing policy would have too many loopholes. If Congress wants certain legislations passed with steroid testing, fine, but at least allow each venture to have its own rules and regulations regarding steroids.

This just in: Roger Clemens to wrestle at Wrestlemania 25!

Also, from ProWrestling.Net (hooray credible source!), "Shortly after his WWE release Chris Masters was contacted by congress in regards to their Wellness Policy, but more precisely the way wrestlers are treated as a culture. Congress have become aware that Triple H publicly mocked Masters' shrunken muscle mass on live TV shortly after he returned from a Wellness suspension.

This is the key to bringing WWE under close scrutiny, because if Congress can prove that higher ups in the company encourage the use of steroids then the full blame can be shifted away from wrestler's "personal choice" and on to WWE management.

Bobby Lashley was also contacted shortly after his departure."

Please take this with a grain of salt. It's funny how Congress has one upped the WWE thanks to Triple H! It's bad enough the majority of the internet hates Triple H and wants to see him gone. So does the United States government. Hmm, I wonder if RVD sent into the proof to Congress. If marijuana becomes legalized in the United States, my money's on him!

5 Knuckle Shuffle vs. the People's Elbow

From the main page, "The Sun UK has an interview up with John Cena where Cena says he is upset with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson for turning his back on wrestling.

"He is a genuinely nice guy and a fantastic human being. What I kind of get peeved about, and this is my Achilles heel, is that I've wanted to do this my whole life. Rock falls into that category. At one point he loved wrestling and wanted to do this all his life. So explain to me why he can't come back. Simply put it's because he wants to be an actor and there's nothing wrong with that. He's very good and very successful. Associating with sports entertainment doesn't do much for his acting career. I get it. Just don't f*** me around and tell me that you love this. That's the only thing that gets me really p***ed off. Our fan base have so much admiration for him, he's got to respect that. He doesn't give anything back."

As expected, reaction to this over the intranet has been varied. Some believe that this is all a work. Some believe that John Cena is absolutely right. Finally, others think that the Rock doesn't need to do anything else for sports entertainment.

Luckily for you, since you are reading this, you get my opinion! First off, for those who believe that this is a work and will lead to a future John Cena/the Rock match, I suggest you stop smoking the reefer. Second, while Cena is correct in stating that "sports entertainment doesn't do much for his acting career", Cena's basis for the argument is flawed. If memory serves me correctly, the Rock played football at the University of Miami and had a chance at playing NFL football until an injury derailed those chances. In fact, after college, he played briefly in the CFL before being cut. Only after his dream of playing football ended, he focused on the family's business (wrestling).

Cena is also correct in stating that at one time the Rock wanted to wrestle his entire life. However, that time has passed. Many, including myself, commend the Rock for walking away from wrestling. Not because of his wrestling character; rather, because he found something else that he wanted to do. At times I wish the Rock was still around to entertain us every Monday night (God knows he wouldn't work Smackdown anymore). The Rock was one of a kind. That said, it's not up to me and my jealously to deprive him of what he wants to do.

Cena really needs to see things the same way. For as much as I commend the Rock for walking away, I commend Cena for staying truly committed to professional wrestling. And if the time comes when Cena wants to walk away, I'll be okay with that too. Hell, I know many that wish he already left.

Floyd Mayweather is Money!

Earlier this week, news broke out about Floyd Mayweather's $20 million payday for wrestling the Big Show at Wrestlemania. Most cannot fathom the WWE paying a celebrity $20 million for five weeks of work especially since it's not easy to recoup that much money. At $55 a show, it would take almost 400,000 buys just to recoup his salary. Throw in many other expenditures (which JP will surely cover in his boring news report) and it seems absurd to throw that type of money at Mayweather. Dave Meltzer also brings up a good part that celebrities have not drawn well with DVD sales. Wrestlemania 23, with Donald Trump's participation, has not sold as well as Wrestlemania 22 on DVD even though WM23 had 300,000 more buys.

With that said, the next few weeks will make or break Wrestlemania 24. If the build to the Mayweather/Big Show match can connect to enough casual viewers (and boxing loyalists), bringing in Mayweather was a great idea. If Wrestlemania's buyrate is below last year's, then let's hope the majority of Mayweather's contract was incentive based.

Lastly, Mayweather's payday must really piss Lashley off. Seriously, you know how many cheeseburgers Lashley could purchase with $20 million?

Smackdown's New Home

On Tuesday, Smackdown's new broadcast home was revealed. Starting in September, the Smackdown will be moving to My Network TV. And thank God for that! Out of all the possible channels Smackdown could have moved to, My Network TV made the most sense. It's roughly in the same amount of households as the CW (106 million (96% of homes with at least one television)). Hell, the majority of My Network TV stations used to be UPN affiliates so it's sort of a homecoming for the blue brand. Throw in the fact that Smackdown could be moving back to Thursday nights (which would be an excellent idea) and I'm ready to leave the CW once and for all!

Jeff Hardy's Happiness

From Lords of Pain, "Even thought WWE fans have been voicing their frustration over WWE Superstar Jeff Hardy not winning the WWE Championship at the WWE Royal Rumble pay-per-view and not qualifying for this year's WWE WrestleMania 24 pay-per-view main event, he doesn't seem to mind and is pleased with his role. Jeff Hardy has been telling friends that he happy to be getting a great singles push and has been making the most money he has ever made during his career.

Jeff Hardy has just been going with the flow like he always has been and no one is expecting his current push to go to his head."

I'm glad things are working out for Jeff Hardy. He had a shot at proving himself as a main eventer which he passed with all flying colors (of his hankie). Since his Royal Rumble loss, he defeated HBK cleanly, was made to look very strong in the Elimination Chamber, and is now the favorite to win the Money in the Bank match at Wrestlemania. Not bad for someone who was burnt out a few years back.

Quick N Dirty News

From all the usual sources:

Rey Mysterio went under the knife today to repair his torn bicep. Mysterio will be undergoing a new practice which should only see him away from the ring for 6-8 weeks, not 6-8 months.

As Kurt Angle showed five years ago, a quick fix surgery is not beneficial if the wrestler comes back at full force immediately after the surgery. Here's hoping Mysterio takes it slow for the remainder of 2008.

Rumor has it that there will be a new lesbian storyline in the WWE featuring Smackdown Divas Maryse and Eve Torres. Plans are for Maryse to have Teddy Long introduce her to Eve.

Lesbianism on Smackdown! Clearly, that's television that's changing Friday nights.

CELEBRATING BLACK HISTORY MONTH ONE WEEK AT A TIME!

I hope you are all as pumped as I am for the last inductee into the Small-For-All Black History Month Hall of Fame! Trust me, I have saved the best for last as this man is not only a former WWE Champion and a Royal Rumble winner but also has brought credibility to the streets. Without further ado, allow me to introduce…


The only man with a Doctorate in Thuganomics

John Cena was born on the mean streets of West Newbury, Massachusetts. During his early years, Cena learnt the art of pumping his Reeboks in various YMCAs. Unlike many men born on the streets, Cena said goodbye to the drug game and left his hometown to pursue his dream: professional wrestling.

On June 27, 2002, John Cena made his debut in the WWE. He answered Kurt Angle's open challenge and proceeded to show him what a Massachusettes ass beating was all about. In a precursor to Super Bowl XLII, New England did not win this contest. Even sadder, Cena's original gimmick was extremely vanilla. Racist, I say, racist! Thankfully, after a few months of nothingness, on Halloween, Cena was able to show his true colors.


Ice Ice Cena

Finally being accepted in the WWE, Cena took the world by storm. First, he showed off his rapping prowess by freestlying before his matches and even at the Royal Rumble. He recorded his own theme song entitled "Basic Thuganomics" which made total sense considering the man graduated with a fucking Doctorate in Thuganomics! Dude's smart! With the help of his partner, B-Squared, Cena took his thug persona to a whole nother level.


Booyah.

Unfortunately for B-Squared, Cena dumped his ex-partner like a baby mama asking for alimony. And really, Cena did the smart thing. How else could he beef with superstars like Fabolous, Jay-Z, and Brock Lesnar by having a lackey at his side? To a man who spent many years in the ghetto of West Newbury, beefin' was all he knew how to do.


Would you beef with this bad, bad man?

I don't think anyone would have ever predicted Cena being as good as he was. Using his ground and pound technique, his Masterlock bling, and his stylish wardrobe, Cena quickly rose to the top. And to celebrate being the champ, Cena did what any black man would do: he released a rap album! You Can't See Me took the Billboard Charts by storm and spawned two hit singles. Seriously, the album was pretty… kinda good.

While Cena is still an active wrestler, his impact in the WWE will never be questioned. Has there been any other thug who avoided the dangers of the street to rise to the top of the WWE? From multiple championships, to a hit album, to starring in his very own movie, John Cena is a role model to all African Americans. Plus he's not slowing down; he's trying to beef with the Rock for God's sake!

Tune in next year when we induct more superstars into the SFABHMHOF!

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

The End is Near

According to prowrestling.net, "Judas Mesias may be on his way out of TNA. The word going around backstage at Tuesday's Impact tapings was that Mesias has worked his last match with the company for a while. Both sides are open to working together in the future, but several people backstage are under the impression that they don't have any future plans for him."

Clearly the losers here are TNA fans. Look at all the pain TNA fans had to endure since Mesias joined the roster. First, he injured himself immediately after debuting which led to the debut of Johnny the Bull in a silly mask. After he returned, fans were then subjected to a rehash of the Undertaker/Kane feud. Two months later, the entire storyline looks to be scrapped (Abyss is off television indefinitely too) with no resolution. I guess it could have been worse: it could have lasted for a few years.

Live TNA?

According to the main page, "TNA is expected to make an official decision on whether to run the 3/27 edition of Impact live by the end of this week."

Decisions, decisions. If TNA were to run that edition live, they might be able to capitalize on the increased amount of wrestling fans in the Orlando area. Of course, if the production crew is not ready for live broadcasting, there's no sense in making TNA more bushleague than it already is.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

With the Wrestlemania card almost 100% complete, next week, the Small-For-All will bring back Wrestlemania Bracketology to look at those wrestlers who are on the bubble for the main show. Until then…

Oh wait, I forgot something…



Meehan's in tomorrow.

For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!