The Thursday Fill-In-For-All News Report: 03.13.08

Posted by Jarrod Westerfeld on 03.13.2008

Small’s not in right now. Can I take a message to forward to him at the Betty Ford rehab center?

Jeff Small has officially failed the 411mania wellness policy and will thusly be suspended for 60 days, so you're left with me. Upon Small's return, the push that was lined up for him will eventually just cast off and go to this man, instead:


Sounding like a good trade-off?

A Week With the Virus

Oh, it's beginning to look a lot like a hostile takeover, and I didn't have to lay out Allison Danger and dump Bobby Dempsy on her to accomplish it. This must be a nightmare for some – to see yours truly all over this site like my name were Larry "The Perfect Dolphin" Csonka.

This'll be my third entry for the week, and you'd almost think I was being paid to do all of this work. Hell, I'm surprised I even bothered to volunteer for half of this stuff considering I'm such a lazy-assed procrastinator who wouldn't even bother to put this much effort into my own video projects, which are currently backed up as far as the eye can see.

But enough about that, you're all here for one reason, and one reason alone: news with a comedic spin.

…

Or is that really two things combined?



When is there truly ever a slow news day in the wrestling industry? Either we're going to talk about something from the American wrestling promotions, or the international wrestling scene – there's never a shortage of thinks to talk about. And this week is no exception to this rule as we kick right off into some WWE dealings that should rattle some people out of the thought of buying Wrestlemania 24.

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Wait…do they still call it Titan Towers? Didn't they change the name of Titan Sports? I'm utterly confused here – what the fuck as Small been feeding you people, besides the left-over nonsense that the wrestling world is actually in a bad current state?

THE COPY AND PASTE JOB FROM WWE.COM'S INDUSTRY NEWS SECTION
Only because I'm lazy and because you deserve the best, but not entirely in that exact order.

Money in the Veins

It isn't even 48 hours since the passing of this news and already people are buzzing over Jeff Hardy's 60 day suspension for failing the WWE's wellness policy. Perhaps he and Small will be roommates? Perhaps they can share stories of the experiences of being held back by egotistical higher ups?

According to WWE.com STAMFORD, Conn. n accordance with its Substance Abuse and Drug Testing Policy, WWE has suspended Jeff Hardy for 60 days, for his second violation of the company's policy. Article found here

The irony of reading this on their website?



I never thought that NYSmokeFree.com advertisement would ever become my favorite thing in the world, but it just did. If that's not poetic of this article I don't know what is.

The news continues to build, though, as apparently there was an alternative to the pulling of the carpet out from under Hardy, as upped here on this site by Larry "Big Cheese" Csonka

Jeff Hardy could have worked WrestleMania - According to the May 16th, 2007 3rd Amendment to the WWE Wellness Policy , Jeff Hardy could have kept working TV, House Shows and even WrestleMania.

Last time out, as it was reported on the internet, Jeff's suspension came because he tested positive for heroine usage, and if he's still on that trip then it's only time now that someone make the effort to really get him the help he so desperately needs and requires. Jeffrey, time to climb on down from that high and kick that habit, and no a Swanton Bomb isn't the quickest way down here to planet Earth.

Oh, and by some of the reactions you'd almost swear that Jeff Hardy had died instead of just his push suffering that fate:



Yeah…I got a chuckle for that too.

Free Press (Slam) For the E

Just when you thought the hype around the Mayweather and Big Show was dying down and going to limp its way into Orlando for Mania, they go and do a silly thing like breathe life into this feud with a segment that ended up being highlighted on ESPN's top 10.

On WWE.com - As reported in a news item on Rajah.com on March 11, the Floyd Mayweather and Big Show weigh-in segment on the March 10 edition of Raw was featured on ESPN SportsCenter's Top 10 —their daily countdown of top plays. Big Show lifting Mayweather over his head and throwing him out of the ring was listed at No. 9.Article found here

And the buzz on ESPN didn't stop, apparently.

On WWE.com - On March 10, ESPN.com posted an article discussing the controversial WrestleMania match between Floyd "Money" Mayweather and Paul "Big Show" Wight. A journalist from ESPN.com compiled a multitude of different opinions from various sports journalist and personalities on the likely outcome, most using a more humorous approach to the subject. The story can be found here.Article found here

More press coverage upon the WWE and Wrestlemania thanks to this segment, and it's well deserving considering this is a very interesting storyline that kind of blurs the lines of the usual good versus evil concept that pro-wrestling always lives off of. Not sure if that's a good thing, but if anything, blame the execution of this upon Mayweather just being the type of person that is hard to root for in any instance.

Hey TNA, are you taking notes? See, when you're looking for a celebrity to sell your product it's probably best to go for the bigger news grabbing superstar over someone that the news generally disregards as a public nuisance who is easy to ignore as a means to remedy them.



Maybe you boys should have forgot about the football players that go around and think about chasing down another celebrity, instead.



Or maybe not. That is a human, right?

Georgia Testing

This may be the necessary step we need to really crack down on the drug usage with this industry, as a third-party involvement handling the tests could actually give the type of results that scale back on some of the deaths that come from this industry.

On WWE.com - In an article dated March 11 from The Atlanta Journal – Constitution, any bills in the state senate looking to become laws must be approved by their designated part of the Legislature today, including Georgia Senate Bill 413. The bill, if passed, would put the Georgia Athletic and Entertainment Commission, also known as the Boxing Commission, in overview of the wrestling industry as a whole and would have performers, including those in WWE and TNA, subject to random drug testing and physical examinations before matches.Article found here

For those of you that need a refresher course on my stance upon this issue you may want to go back and read this (Your Viral Dose of Reality 9.11.07: An Evil Entity Industry?).

I'm all for someone outside of these companies stepping in and making it mandatory that a wrestling organization have their workers randomly drug tested by their own facilities and staff as opposed to the employees of that wrestling organization. As a matter of fact, I think TNA needs this more than anyone else as then they wouldn't have to worry about procuring the funds to maintain such a practice that can then be muddled by politics and favoritism, as we've seen demonstrated within the WWE in the past.

TNA could certainly benefit from this and even utilize this as a platform to showcase to the world that they care about their workers and their health and that they're not afraid to go through the motions of this bill unlike the WWE, who may be hesitant seeing as some of their guys may be called into question and sidelined because of their actions. If anything, TNA has nothing to lose on this deal and should be vocal about it being put into practice not only in Georgia, but all over the country.

…

Oh wait, I forgot, I get this forum to actually be a (un)funny ass. Time to insert yet another random picture, else I ruin Small's credibility – whatever that's worth on the black market.



That'll do – you come up with your own jokes for that one. I'd actually like to avoid being censored and possibly disciplined for making such a crude joke. If I'm going to be disciplined around here, I'd at least like to rack up a toll of damage that rivals Orton's hotel party.

Bryan Danielson vs. Mickey Rourke: BOOK IT, GABE!

Gabe "Dutch" Sapolsky, the booker of Ring of Honor, has officially lost his mother-fucking mind. If he isn't bipolar then he's clearly of the split mind variety that likes to argue amongst itself.

Over at the Ring of Honor message boards Gabe was eager to point out the special replay times of Rising Above, and ended up doing two things: promoting TNA and slamming TNA.

I'm just as confused as you all must be.

" Total Nonstop Action and Ring Of Honor will be head-to-head on cable TV this Thursday, March 13th, at 9pm. TNA Impact! will air on Spike TV. At the same time, ROH "Rising Above" will play on pay-per-view on iN DEMAND. "Rising Above" will also be available on The DISH Network's All Day Ticket on Thursday.

How does ROH compare to TNA? Find out when they go head-to-head on TV this Thursday. Check out ROH "Rising Above" with the main event pitting Nigel McGuinness vs. Austin Aries that fans and critics are calling a match of the year candidate. Hey, you can always catch a replay of TNA Impact! Saturday at 11pm on Spike TV.

ROH "Rising Above" will also air this Sunday in the traditional wrestling pay-per-view timeslot of 8pm on iN DEMAND. Check out Impact! on Thursday and then watch ROH "Rising Above" this Sunday when you are used to watching your wrestling PPVs. Then compare the two products and judge for yourself.

ROH "Rising Above" is available for the low, affordable price of $9.95 on The DISH Network and $14.95 on iN DEMAND. You can also catch the PPV on The DISH Network's All Day Ticket this Saturday."
~ Posted by ROHGabe at TNA vs. ROH On TV This Thurs. @9pm

Yeah, you figure out what his goal was there. One minute you're being sold on skipping TNA iMPACT! on a Thursday night to watch Rising Above, catching the replay of iMPACT! on Saturday night, the next it's watch TNA on Thursday to view Rising Above on Sunday night. Choices are nice, but in this instance it leaves me wondering what his overall goal was, especially seeing as that forum is heavily anti-TNA.

You tell me what Gabe was thinking, because I've been up all night mulling this thing over and I'm done thinking – thus why I'm doing this.



AND NOW I'M BORED OF COPY/PASTA

Okay, that got boring quickly. How do I fill out the rest of this crashing of Jeff Small's article? Let's see. I guess I could point out how wrong he was about his Mania bubble from last week, seeing as Khali won't be involved in anything that requires a ladder, which is probably good news for this young bloke:





Man, Khali sure gets a bad rap – wait a minute, I'm not Small, and I don't care to see Khali involved in anything that would require him to bend at the joints. Fuck Khali and his Money in the Bank hopes. Let him run off and job to Stevie Richards.

Oh wait…

Small, last week:
I'll leave you with my prediction as to what will be added to the Wrestlemania card. I'm assuming that only 2 more matches will be added. Here's my additions:

John Morrison, Kane, and the Great Khali will be added to the Money in the Bank Ladder Match.

Extreme Rules Match for the ECW Championship: Chavo Guerrero © vs. CM Punk

United States Championship: MVP © vs. Matt Hardy

Me, this week:
HA! WRONG!


As a matter of fact, the only thing he got right was Chavo Guerrero defending his ECW Championship at Mania, but seeing as there isn't any word around the match being an Extreme Rules Match, and that it won't be against CM Punk, he's only batting a .250 average on those three predictions. But seeing as he's Small, we have to deduct some points just for featuring an article without this awesome picture:


J.D. Dunn is still my fucking hero for that find, and for giving me reason to want to see The Wicker Man, once more.

The questionable WWE made the decision to have a Money in the Bank qualifying match at a house show that would seat M.V.P. in the ladder brawl at Mania, leaving me to question why the WWE thinks an 8 man ladder match is going to work after last year's clusterfuck. Not only that, but to feature a Money in the Bank qualifying match at a house show, while giving fans reason to venture out and see a house show when they roll in town as anything can happen at them, really detracts from the appeal of the match much in the way Cena and Booker T's best of 5 series was detracted from when one of their series matches was featured on a house show as part of that attraction.

With CM Punk earning his spot to this dance thanks to his count out victory over Big Daddy V on ECW this past Tuesday that leaves one more slot open – the replacement for Jeff Hardy.

Now I've stated this before in private with some colleagues of mine – the coalition of lazy YouTube bastards union…clan – that if the WWE was smart, they could play the internet crowd by leaking out false spoiler information, such as a Chris Jericho victory, and then surprising us all with a big upset at Mania. It would be a nice way of saying "fuck you internet kids" and a way to showcase, once more, that they still understand the element of surprise and can draw us in. Think about that, especially with the news that Steph talked Vince out of airing Cena on the Raw prior to Rumble before his placing as the number 30th entrant.

So for a surprise entrant, how about we see someone wild and crazy come back and snag up the briefcase and become the new number one contender to the WWE Championship? Maybe, perhaps:



The baby Animal can certainly do it, can't he?

SHIFTING INTO LAZY GEAR

I probably should try and stretch this out a bit more, but fuck it, I don't care to. It's not like this is my article, anyway. So just to give Small something to gloss over before he takes back the helm and has to deal with damage control, a gift from me to him:



I'm sure a kind souled reader of yours will be happy to send you a fresh pair of underwear for when you get back.

Until next week, I've been your destroyer of Small's work and credibility, as well as the mini-Csonka clogging up the 411mania arteries making this place a "shitty" website for all. Remember to catch me on Fact or Fiction this week, and stay tuned for your next Scripture Through Sin. I'm off to procrastinate else-where.