The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 03.20.08
Posted by Jeff Small on 03.20.2008
What a crummy 60-day suspension!
Seriously, do I have to come back? I was enjoying my time off learning how to control my various addictions to news reporting when I was released for good behavior. Seriously, I think LiLo had a longer stay in rehab than I have. At least, she got to use the pool! On a serious note, I must say that it feels like forever since I've done one of these. Sure it was only one week off but with so much happening on the way to Wrestlemania, it feels much longer. Let's recap everything I've missed last week:
Jeff Hardy suspended for Wellness
Uh, uh……
Yeah, this has been quite a lame Road to Wrestlemania. With that said, I'm still quite pumped up for next week's show. To commemorate my excitement, for those with the benefit of flash photography, pictures with your favorite Small have risen from $10 to $15. However, if you would like me to sign an autograph on your breast (preferably female), that's still only...
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
Oh you all have missed me. I know it!
Last piece of housekeeping for the week: thanks to Jarrod Westerfield for filling in last week. My absence was decided upon at the very last minute so I'm thankful that Jarrod was able to put together an entertaining report with little to no actual content. Yup, he followed the Small-For-All formula.
+
= WHAMMY!!!!!!!
NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS
Wrestlemania Update
The big news this week was the unveiling of a new Wrestlemania 24 poster! While the old poster focused just on the event itself, the new poster features all three main events (similar to most Wrestlemania posters). Of course, this makes much sense as a month ago, the entire Wrestlemania card was in the dark so the WWE promoted the entire event to build buzz. Wrestlemania is almost a brand to itself as it receives national attention almost every year and is apart of the majority of the nation's lexicon. While wrestling will never get the respect (or even the attention it received in 1999) that it doesn't really deserve, the name "Wrestlemania" still provokes a strong positive image for most people. Chalk it up to Hogan/Andre at Wrestlemania 3, Smallthinks.
Now with less than two weeks to go, the WWE can switch gears and focus on the show's three main events. Like last year, neither title match gets the top spot; rather, it once again goes to the match with the most mainstream appeal. Last year it was the Battle of the Billionaires; this year, it's the Wrestler vs. the Boxer. Clearly, this is the match that the WWE is banking on to help bring them into the promised land (one million buys)! While both title matches are overshadowed, they at least comprise the remainder of the poster. Sadly, there's no mention of Ric Flair on the poster.
For those who have not seen it, here's it is:
Sometimes it pays to be late
BREAKING NEWS: From the mainpage, the Royal Rumble buyrate is in! According to our mainpage, "The WWE Royal Rumble PPV is currently estimated at doing 534,000 worldwide PPV buys, with 336,000 of those being domestic buys. Last year's show did 525,000 worldwide buys, with 347,000 domestic. With late buys still to come in the feeling is that they will top last year's domestic buys."
Great news for the E! While the Royal Rumble match was not nearly as hyped as in year's past, the company had a really hot match between Randy Orton and Jeff Hardy to sell the show. While Jeff's title aspirations have since went up in smoke, it shows that with the right opponent, Orton can be a draw as champion. Throw in the fact that some of these buys are for the HD telecast and the WWE is definitely making more money on the show this year than last!
By the way, have Armaggedon's numbers ever been released? I'm interested to see how Orton/Jericho drew. Of course, I could go to the WWE Corporate page to investigate but I'm on a deadline kids!
The Legend of Katie Vick… Revealed!!!
Recently, Newsday.com, a New York City/Long Island newssite, has given former WWE creative member Seth Mates an outlet to blog about some of his experiences as a WWE writer. While Seth's time as a creative member was shortlived (he was only there from August to December 2002), he was around for some of the most boneheaded decisions every made. Hell, the fall of 2002 was clearly the worst time to be a wrestling fan. I don't care if you disagree with me. The second half of 2002 (Summerslam excluded) was brutal (and the first half wasn't that much better).
Where was I? Anyway, Mates has just started to blog about some of the more interesting storylines he was around including the legend of Katie Vick and a Tale of Two Titles. While I will not steal Mates's work by just copying and pasting his blog postings, I will transcribe his postings just to steal all of his thunder.
First off, Katie Vick. Mates reveales the origin of Katie Vick's name. Take one part Stephanie McMahon suggestion (Katie) and combine it with a possible storyline for Scott "Sick Boy" Vick. Yes, the WWE thought that the Katie Vick storyline had strong enough legs to help debut a newcomer! Thankfully, for Scott Vick, he was released before ever appearing on television. Here's the entire Katie Vick masterpiece:
As for the Tale of Two Titles, Mates explains that Rob Van Dam was supposed to be the inaugural Raw Champion but then shit happened. Oh yes indeed.
While I do recommend reading Mates's blogs, I do warn you that they are nothing more than big teases. Will Mates actually give the IWC the juicy gossip it feeds on? Probably not, but it's still better than asking JR silly questions.
Maria's Sex Life
Seriously, there's nothing to talk about this week. From the main page, Maria recently did an in-depth "interview" with Playboy.com where she talked about her sex life. Being an ambassador to all news, I went to Playboy.com to do some research on this interview. Here's what I found out:
If this interview is really with Maria, then Santino Marella is the luckiest son of a bitch around. Not only is he having sex with Maria on hotel balconies, he gets to do this!
Quick N Dirty Industry News
From the Industry News page on WWE.com,
WWE's stock peaked at $19.19 today, the highest the stock has been since February 2001, as reported in a Lords of Pain news item on March 19.
With Wrestlemania right around the corner, it's nice to see something increasing for the company (ratings are still up and down). As mentioned in the past, the WWE has done a great job diversifying their portfolio and it looks like Wall Street agrees (well for at least today).
As reported by ProWrestling.net on March 18, WWE has teamed with Habbo, a social networking site geared toward teenagers, to launch a Road to WrestleMania game on March 24 leading up to WrestleMania XXIV. The game is set to run for 11 days, allowing users to take control of their favorite wrestlers in five different matches.
Of course, this can't be judged until the game actually launches. I do give the WWE credit for launching a networking site geared toward teens since one day us old folk will stop watching wrestling. Well at least I will.
Terry "Hulk Hogan" Bollea has signed on to star in the movie Kung Fu U 3-D, according to PWInsider.com in an article published March 17.
I wonder if we will get to see Hogan's 24 inch pythons in full 3-D glory. I'm also glad to see Hogan getting work during this tumultuous time in his life. Movie's gonna suck, though!
NEWS FROM O-TOWN
My IWC buddy Derek Burgan has done it again! Click on the following link to see a parody of TNA T-shirts!
And since I'm good "friends" with him, I'm going to steal my favorite. Basically for those who won't be clicking on the link, Burgan compares old WWE t-shirts to their new TNA counterparts. Of course, he was inspired by the Shark Boy 24:7 shirt that's nothing more than Stone Cold's old shirt. This one compares another one of Stone Cold's infamous shirts to a possible new shirt for Lance Hoyt!
Since I have nothing else for you, I'm going to take the next minute to address some criticism that seems to follow me around from time to time. You see, there are some people who think that I hate TNA. In fact, this comment comes from reader Chris. He writes, "I hate how it seems like every columnist on this site, as well as all the people
who comment on here, continually bash TNA.
It's like it's the "in" thing to do these days.
I know the storylines on the show, as well as some of the characters, could use
some tweaking but there's no way TNA is as bad as everyone lets on."
Long-time Small-For-All readers will know that I've been bashing TNA since my 2nd News Report way back in January 2006. At that time, TNA bashing was not an "in" thing to do. Rather, most people actually gave TNA a chance at this time. I am unlike most people. Chris, please do not group me in with the wannabe TNA haters. I'm totally above all of them with my hating. Thanks.
TRIBUTE TO MY EX-LACKEY
I wanted to do this tribute to my ex-lackey two weeks ago when news broke but I had way too much content for that report. Since this report is lacking content, now's a great time for me to give a tribute to my ex-lackey.
My ex-lackey joined the Small-For-All writing staff back in September of 2006. At that time, I was contemplating ending my popular Smackdown vs. Raw PPV simulations. My soon-to-be lackey emailed me at this time and offered to do the simulations for me. Being a lazy bastard, I took my lackey up on the offer and he continued to simulate PPVs for me for the following year. Until his PS2 broke or something like that. Then he proceeded to quit his plum job as my lackey. Of course, we have learned in the past not to fuck with Small and well, he's no longer with us (on this site).
In memory of my ex-lackey's work, I have created a simulation of a match that would surely put asses in seats:
Small vs. Lackey
Lackey attacks Small to start until Eugene runs out for interference! Eugene Stone Cold Stuns the lackey before nailing him with a Special People's Elbow! Small covers his lackey for a long 2 count. Small picks up his lackey, whips him off of the ropes, and connects with a Big Boot. Small runs off of the ropes and nails a Hogan Leg Drop. 1, 2, 3!!! Small wins!!! Bah Gawd Small wins!!!
Hey lackey, you've been…
BEARRIED!!!!!
COMING ATTRACTIONS
At first I really wasn't sure what I wanted to write about next week. But I think I have a great idea to properly hype Wrestlemania. What do you think Kel?
Aw Here it Goes!
Meehan's in tomorrow.
For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
