Truth B Told 3.20.08: I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore

Posted by Bayani Domingo on 03.20.2008

I’ve forgotten what I started wrestling for…and if I have to lie upon the floor, make me eat this pin once more, baby I can’t fight this feeling anymore. Sometimes you give up on wrestling far before it gives up on you. Why wrestling fans can’t forgive or forget an early curtain call.


Jeff Hardy has been both vilified and sainted at the same time in the past two weeks. You either look at the man as a low life druggie who can't seem to get his life together for more than a few months at a time, a weak willed addict who can't cope with the pressures of fame, money, and fan adoration. Or, you look at him as a victim of a horrible disease who needs support and understanding above all else. Perhaps he's a sad soul who has suffered through some of the worst times of his life in the past month and who truly needs help. To me, he's somewhere in between a sinner and a saint. But that merely makes him human. He's both fallible and vulnerable like you or I, well not so much me because I'm just awesome personified (I have many leather bound wrestling DVDs and my apartment smells of rich particle board), but mostly like you. I think there is perhaps something that we need to consider more than whether what ramifications this will have on his career, we need to consider whether he should even have one at all. More importantly, we need to consider whether he wants one.

There are two schools of thought here: a) Jeff Hardy loves wrestling and everything that comes with it, but is unable to be fully successful at it because of mental problems and a chemical dependency he hasn't kicked yet and is in a situation that isn't conducive for a recovering addict, and b) Jeff Hardy loves drugs more than he loves wrestling. If we say that Hardy loves wrestling, but can't get his head and body in the right state to be able to fully pursue it without relapsing, then he becomes either a sympathetic figure who has a serious issue he needs help for. He needs to take the 60 days off and check into a rehab center. He has to get his life on track and maybe the WWE needs to hire a full-time drug councilor to take with them on the road for all recovering "wellness" violators. But at the same time maybe the reason why Jeff keeps "relapsing" isn't necessarily because he just can't get well, but because he isn't able to get well, especially on the road with as many temptations as he has and the physical toll on his body. People forsake their homes, their wives, their kids, and morals for a "hit", do you really think that a paycheck and the "love of wrestling" will be able to overcome that sweet, sweet hit of smack? The man needs help and it won't come while he's holding a WWE contract.

If there was some great ultimatum where Jeff could either continue to wrestle for the net 5 years and then end up OD'ing in 10 years OR he could quit wrestling immediately and get the help he needs, but would never be able to return to the road, what would you pick? Clearly you would take the man's life over another couple years of ‘high spots' and ‘t-shirt sales'. But maybe that "hypothetical" situation isn't as far fetched as we think. I do believe that if Hardy came out and said, "I need to quit wrestling entirely so I can get the help I need and stay clean and sober" he would have the unanimous support of the IWC. Choosing your life and health over "the business" is a completely worthwhile and understandable choice. But what about someone who just says, "I want to be a movie star now" or "I want to play football"? Would being an actor or a professional Football player be less of a worthwhile career than a wrestler? I know the reaction after HBK "lost his smile" was extremely mixed, but we all seem to have forgiven him for that, haven't we? there are a lot of different reasons why wrestlers give up wrestling and while so far no one has had the where withal to say "this life style is going to put me in an early grave", we've heard plenty of other reasons that just don't seem to jive with the fans.

I've heard a lot made of The Rock not appearing at Wrestlemania lately. The fact that John "Baby Jesus" Cena actually took a shot at him recently underlines the fact that he is still a very popular and respected figure in the wrestling community. For all of the shots that Cena took at him in that interview I think it was a bit hypocritical for Cena to call out The Rock for just wanting to be an actor when Cena himself has "starred" in a movie and put out his own rap album. While both were done under the umbrella of the "e" it was clear that neither venture was done with the thought that Cena would parlay that success into a career outside of wrestling. But what if "The Marine" became a box office hit or "You Can't See Me" won a Grammy? Do you think Cena would start considering a career outside of wrestling? Maybe not right away, but you have to consider the possibility that he'd want to be the next "White Will Smith". Wait…that seems kind of redundant. Either way I already mentioned before how I felt Cena might have been a little jealous while making those comments, but because Cena hasn't be able to parlay his success in the ring into main stream success yet, I guess we will have to wait and see.

Now I can't say whether Cena would in fact prefer being a movie star/rapper over a wrestler, but I don't think we can definitely say that he wouldn't. The money and the physical toll alone make it at least a very difficult opportunity to walk away from. In fact I seem to remember Hardy taking time off from wrestling to concentrate on his "music career" and dabbling in some art work and even motocross. I have to wonder if the realistic possibility of Jeff making it as a musician would make him rethink wanting to be a wrestler? Is it really a matter of Jeff wanting to be a wrestler because he loves it so much or is it because it's the only thing he has been able to be successful in? Its like all those accountants or salesmen who have a garage band who secretly dream of selling out Madison Square Garden, but realize it would be foolish to give up steady money for a dream that has almost 0% chance of coming true.

Don't go thinking that "Dwayne Johnson" is the only wrestler to have dabble in other entertainment ventures. I remember a certain "brother" who tried his hand at acting "dude" and filmed a few very bad movies as a result. Not to mention the greatness that was the "wrestling boot band". Had Hulk Hogan made it big in Hollywood after he initially left the WWE in '94 or even after WCW in 2000 would we be calling him an "ingrate" for not showing up at PPV after PPV and TV appearance after TV appearance for the sake of "giving back to the business"? I think not. His time was clearly over and no one would bash him for just taking his pile of money and walking away. Ric Flair also could have retired years ago and should have if it wasn't for the rumors that he wasn't the biggest believer in "saving up for a rainy day". It looks like his recent divorce has left a huge cloud hanging over head for years to come.

The big difference is that while both physically just can't wrestle on a regular (or even very semi-regular) basis, Hogan has the money to walk away, but Flair seemingly didn't squirrel enough away for a rainy day. I think Hogan hangs on because he's greedy and egotistical, Flair hangs on out of financial desperation. Then again I wouldn't put it past Flair's ego to play a part in it either. Why neither of these men are in the same conversation as a Rock, Lesner, or Lashley is because of age. If Finlay, Regal, or Sting walked away and never turned back we wouldn't have the same argument because all of those men have so much mileage on their bodies that it would make sense from a health stand point. But what about the young bulls like Lesner and Lashley who have seemingly years left in the business at peak physical shape?

The majority of the backlash from Lesner and Lashley leaving the wrestling business comes from not only their relative success at such an early part of their career but also the notion that they were young and had a lot of years ahead of them to become even bigger stars. Brock was at the top of the industry when he left and was being groomed to be one of the biggest stars in the "e" and Lashley was clearly on his way there after being pushed hard and fast up the ladder of success. But to us fans it seems like they threw it all away. We call them "ingrates" and "head cases", "prima donnas" and "idiots" because they would NEVER reach that level of success, fame, or fortune doing anything else. They had everything going for them and they spit in the face of the industry, the fans, and everything that wrestling stood for. But, for as much as we chastise them, the simple truth is that they simply didn't want to wrestle anymore. At least not for Vince. They reached a goal that thousands of wrestlers and millions of fans dream of, but they just decided it wasn't enough. For that, we hate them. It has nothing to do with what they did, but rather what they did that so many (including us) could not do.

I think we confuse "desire" with "ability" a lot of times. We tend to judge harshly the most talented of wrestlers for not being able to succeed because they tend to either be their own worst enemies (Teddy Hart/Jeff Hardy/Kennedy) or simply because they just don't want it enough. We compare the Brock/Lashley's of the world who have so much talent and were pushed so hard from the beginning to the guys like Jericho, Benoit, Eddie, Samoa Joe, or Danielson who have had to scrap and fight for every win they've ever gotten and had to prove themselves time and time again. Our reasoning is that if you CAN be a great wrestler, then you SHOULD be a great wrestler. How many times over the past two years have you said to yourself, "Man, I don't know why (fill in the blank) isn't a Champion by now". Three years ago how many World Championships did you think Matt Hardy, Carlito, Mr. Kennedy, Samoa Joe, Chris Hero, Brent Albright, or Shelton Benjamin would have combined? If the answer was, "one less than the Great Khali", then you were not only correct, but high off your ass.

The reason we can't let Brock and Lashley just go on with their lives without letting the bitterness and contempt well up in our voices in a way that we usually reserve for ex-girlfriends and Super Bowl point spreads is because of the expectations we hoist on those men. "You had it all and threw it all away, all you had to do was stay on the path that was set for you and you'd be successful, rich, and happy". Holy shit, we've now become Jewish mothers. I'm surprised no one has tried to add Brock on myspace and asked why he doesn't call them more often because they could be dead in a ditch somewhere. We hoist our expectations on to wrestlers and when they don't pan out we just simply can't let go. We just have to learn to let them be their own men, blaze their own trail, and realize that they aren't going to be who we want them to be, they can only be themselves, it wasn't their fault they didn't make it into med school and Business school is a perfectly good alternative, they're happy in the life they have choosen and why can't you just be happy for them, why can't you just accept them for who they are, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE, HUH MOM, WHYYYYYY???? *ahem*…sorry. Okay…uh…moving on.

The real difference I see from "walking away" and "retiring" is the relative age of the wrestler. While a young man like Brock or The Rock leaving the industry seems "premature", a Lance Storm or a Ron Simmons seems perfectly acceptable given their age and time in the business. What we forget is that retiring from wrestling is a lot different than retiring from the stock market. Some of my favorite PWG wrestlers recently retired like Chris Bosh and B-Boy and both men are younger than I am. We see "age" as a big factor in the decision for a Barry Sanders or Tiki Barber leaving Football as much as we see their ability to continue performing at a high level. Brock leaving was like LaDanian Tomlinson bowing out to pursue a career in ballroom dancing; where as a Flair leaving the business is like Shaq hanging up his size 15's.

What we don't see is that there are more reasons to quit the wrestling biz than just the physical toll it takes. Age and physical limitations are the reason why wrestlers aren't able to perform and SHOULD retire. But there is a lot more to the life of a wrestler that makes it very hard to criticize someone for wanting to step out of the limelight. When you think about how many happy and healthy marriages, families, and even wrestlers have survived being in the business for a long period of time...what do you see as your perfect role model? How many wrestlers develop drug problems, steroid abuse, divorces, mental breakdown, or anything else that us normal people would cause us to drop out of society and let alone WORK for a while? Imagine if your girlfriend or boyfriend, husband or wife was on the road for 250+ days a year? What about 180? There are few other careers in the world that have that kind of schedule. Unless of course you're a long shore man or you are touring with your band for a decade at a time. Imagine if you sprained an ankle or broke a leg at your job and had to fear that you would be replaced in the time it took for you to get healthy again. "Gosh Doug, I know you got over your carpal tunnel syndrome but we've had to move Fred into your office because he worked a really great presentation at the board meeting and he's really 'over' with the new CFO". If you think there is politicking, backstabbing, and nepotism at YOUR job, try working 'up north'.

The pressures of the road and the business are harrowing. The amount of physical abuse you have to undergo can be stifling, not to mention the pressures to keep your body in peak physical condition, while staying "clean". In an industry that puts a premium on "looks" it seems almost impossible to maintain a perfect body while still passing "wellness". It's a catch 22 and it seems like it only catches some athletes while others seem to "magically" pass with flying colors. What's worse is that your career as a wrestler comes with an expiration date. There is no telling when yours is and even if you make it through the rounds of roster cuts after roster cuts eventually you'll find yourself on the wrong side of 40 and you better pray to God you invested well. For those who only made it through a few years in the business before being shown the door they couldn't possibly have enough money saved up to live off of and now what do you do when your only marketable skill is throwing sweaty men around a ring and grunting like a wild animal? Gay porn aside. Very aside.

Remember, all that is based on making it to the "Big Leagues", not everyone gets the call from Johnny Ace to lace up their boots. The guys in TNA, RoH, all around the Indy circuit, they have it even worse. What happens to those poor guys when at the age of 30 when they hang up their boots because they have to start a real family and making a few hundred on the weekend doesn't cut it? There are loads guys in TNA, PWG, and RoH who wrestle for a living, no other jobs. They are completely dependent on whatever they make to survive, many of them don't even have college degrees. What happens when they wake up one day and decide that as much as they love the life of a wrestler, they can't imagine what is going to happen to them 10 years down the road when they can't do it anymore. It just seems sad to see so many old wrestlers clunking around a ring in the name of "nostalgia", but deep down you realize they aren't doing it because they love wrestling, they are doing it make ends meet. Seeing Demolition and One Man Gang for one night in CHIKARA sounds like a load of fun, but if you saw them every month in a garage in Peoria....that doesn't have the same feeling does it?

I think we need to change our perception of wrestlers who hang up their boots. For whatever reason they left, they have a reason. Whatever we think they owe us, they don't. because no matter what we give to them, the money for t-shirts and action figures, our time invested in watching their matches, our hard earned money to buy that nose bleed ticket, they put even more on the line. They put their lives, their mental and physical well being, and their futures on the line every time they enter that ring. So if someone decides they want out a little early, if they decide they don't want a special edition of RAW dedicated to them, if they decide they don't want D'Lo Brown sobbing at their bedside apologetically, if they decide they don't want to squeeze into spandex shorts at the age of 50, well maybe, just maybe we should just give them a courtesy clap and wish them well. I know for a lot of us it would be our dream to "make it in the biz", but funny thing about dreams. They change. I don't begrudge anyone else for changing theirs. Besides...I'd hate to see a guy I once watched on Monday Night end up on the cover of one of those seedy DVD's Small and Slimmer keep hidden in their lockers. Seriously...disturbing. They tricked me once with "The Devil made me do it" featuring Shawn No'Haire....never again.

The Truth

I thought Brock was stupid when he left the "e". where would he ever make more money, be more successful, or attain the kind of power and fame he had in that squared circle? But you know, I think he achieved all he wanted to and he wanted to move on. Wrestling isn't for everyone and I know it wouldn't be for me. The travel, the pressure, the physical toll, putting your life on hold for your career and not seeing your family for weeks on end. It's hard. I never felt The Rock owed me anything when he hung up his boots for a shot in Hollywood, the man finally found a way to showcase all his strengths that made him so great in the ring and didn't have to actually wrestle, which was probably his most criticized and scrutinized talent. I felt he gave us plenty. Lashley? Well...I can't say. But he's a grown damn man and I can't judge him. Guys make their money and hang up their boots or they don't make enough and walk away. As much as we say it's about money, sometimes it isn't, just ask Hogan. There are so many reasons to climb into that ring every night, but far more to stay out of it. I think the blessing and curse of us wrestling geeks is that we have a very long memory. The problem is, the wrestling business is very short on patience. Enjoy the wrestlers you enjoy while you can, because they don't owe us anything more than the best they can do in the ring and on the mic, until they can't enjoy it themselves.

Coming Up Short

I found this little tidbit hidden in the "News" section this week and I wanted to showcase it for those who aren't aware of it:

Stacy Keibler will soon be selling many of her wrestling items on eBay. Here is the statement she released to the Baltimore Sun about her plans.
I was delighted to learn about the interest in my things being offered on eBay. As you can imagine, I have accumulated so much during my 7-year run in wrestling. I would love to keep everything, but it's simply a lack of storage space.

It was great for me to reminisce and at the same time be able to give back to my loyal fans who have appreciated my contribution to wrestling. There is a variety of dresses, skirts, shoes, boots, lingerie and bikinis.

We are finalizing the certificate of authenticity and articles should be ready to go in about 2-3 weeks.

Why is this little "tidbit" important? Simply because this week my bank account is coming up short and it will be difficult to raise the funds necessary to purchase anything decent besides maybe a sock, a boot lace, or the pleather pants Test left at her condo. I assume they'd be about $20 if they weren't autographed…$10 if they were. So let's see if we can't get some generous donations sent ol' B's way so he can save up for a little Stacy ‘swag'. Especially because I realize that JT is probably mortgaging his parent's house and selling all his mint conditioned in-box original Rainbow Brite dolls to scrap together the cash to get at least 2 pairs of panties and a high heel. And no, you do NOT want to know what he's going to do with them. Please, don't look for his youtube next month either. Just disturbing.

6 Degrees of…



John Houston we have a problem.

First time in, and I'm a winner. At least this time I didn't feel ashamed afterwards.

Anywhere else and this would be weird. Here, it's just another link. Let's link two guys that can't get enough of their sisters: Paul Burchill. and Matt McNamara (John Hensley).

You know, he'll always be "Pirate Paul" to me. I wasn't even aware of who Matt McNamara was until I wiki'ed him. I have only caught a few episodes of Nip/Tuck, admittedly because I thought it was a show about Japanese Trannys. So be it. Here he is…



Alright kids, let's get some participation up in this mug.

Whatchu talkin' bout readers?

For those of you who want another opinion about the RoH PPV tapings we have a first hand account:

Hey what's up B, as promised here is your 1st hand account of what happened at the ROH PPV last night. The results are already online for the world to see so instead of just repeating that information, I will try and give some notes on what it was like to be there in person.
1- Bobby Dempsey is as over as he is fat, which is saying something.
2- When Tyler Black won the 4 corner match the crowd was quite for about 5 seconds, due to shock then kinda decided. "hey sure why not". Then started going nuts and chanting his name.
3- The Sara del rey match was so short I didn't even have time to turn my camera on and take a picture, apparently Kylie fell and almost broke her neck and the match ended right there. She was slow to get up but seemed to be ok after a minute.
4- I met Bushwhacker Luke 20 years ago as a kid, and he still looks exactly the same now as he did then..........take that for what you want.
5- The Briscoes vs. Panic at the Necro match was indeed crazy and will be much better to watch on TV than in person, just because there was so much going on at the same time and in opposite parts of the arena. When Lacey runs out of the ring and into the crowd away from Haze she literally pushes by my friend and I screaming "get the hell out of my way!". Then she picked up my friends chair and threw it behind her which ended up hitting him in the leg. PRICELESS
6- The Dragon vs Aries match had the crowd split about 60-40 in favor of Dragon the entire time, certain parts of the crowd spent the entire match yelling chants at the other side. Which may come off well on PPV, but live it started to really take away from the match itself. I think those people missed reading your column last week, which is a shame. You know who you are Mr.. "fat fucking smark" ;)
7- Once Lacy and Haze fought their way past us and into the back they immediately stopped and spent the rest of the match peeking out of the curtain watching. (yes, wrestling is a work sorry to spoil it for anyone)
8- Onto the main event a lot of people will say this was the night Tyler Black become a big time player, and,,,,,,,,,,,,,, their right.

So there you go, basically it was a great show, and I can't wait to see how it looks on PPV. Keep it real, damn real.

B M PUNK

You realize that your friend could now sue Lacey for everything she's got. Including the mascara she lends to Jimmy Jacobs and at least 3 pairs of wrestling boots. What he does with those boots is entirely between him and his bathroom mirror. Although the chanting does get annoying it could have been worse. Any "Baby Nuts" chants? Well it's nice to see some people enjoying Indy wrestling at it's fullest. Now if we can only get someone to actually GO to a CZW show and report on it. Hopefully staying sober and conscious enough to remember it at the very least to report something accurate. I don't any reports coming in claiming that the Zandig/Hatred match was great until a giant purple elephant came out of the sky and began dancing the "Solider Boy" right before Sunny took her top off and made out with him.

Pete Sampson agrees that: Wrestling + Alcohol = Bail Money.

B,
I've been meaning to write and say that the last several columns have been some of your best. I know it won't be a popular opinion but you are dead on about alcohol and restling. I think that part of it could be that the target age group for wrestling is often the same group that really doesn't have the alcohol consumption thing under control. It affects
areas other than wrestling and I can remember the Braves Stadium adding a no alcohol area to entice more families to come.

Three quick thoughts to see if you agree:
1) Am only the only one that thinks that Domino (or is it Deuce?) The non-Snuka of the pair looks like a low HGH-HHH?
Seriously, there are worse ways to get noticed I suppose.
2) Did Mark Henry sign a mattress contract, brother has been on his back more than________(your Lita joke here). I guess being an outspoken opponent of steroids
and the worlds strongest man just isn't enough to get over with wrestling fans in Vince's opinion.
3) How long does it take Russo to figure out that no one cares about Black Reign and Rebboj? I get that some things take a little to catch on but it feels like Dustin and his little buddy have been on for wayyyyy too long now.

So enjoy your St. Pattie's day. I'm sure the good christian who drove the snakes out of Ireland would love to see all the green wigs and drunken parties in his name, right? What? I'm just saying.

Peace,
Pete

I'll admit that it wasn't until I hit about 25 that I could a) handle my liquor, and b) understand that I don't have to get blind stinkin' belligerently drunk EVERY time I drink to enjoy alcohol. Sometimes people think getting drunk is just "cool", it isn't "Cool", alcohol doesn't make you cool…promiscuous sex, swank shoes, and a swank Larry Sweeney t-shirt make you cool. Remember that kids. As far as your thoughts I think it's the schnozz on Domino that makes him look a bit HHH-ish, Mark Henry is the biggest and most well booked "Developmental talent" since Kane, and Russo will always find something to do for his "buddies" from back in WCW. I seriously believe that if half the West Texas Rednecks weren't dead they'd be in TNA by now. RIP Curly Bill. Oh…he's not dead? Damn…even Death won't book Virgil. Btw, I had no idea Christian was the one who drove all the snakes out of Ireland. That guy really DOES reek of awesomeness.

6 Degrees Results

#2

As for this week's entry, I went heavy on action:

OMG to Rambo
1) At Wrestlemania IV, OMG defeated Bam Bam Bigelow in the first round of the tournament to crown an undisputed WWF Champion.
2) Bam Bam Bigelow starred as a biker in Major Payne, where Damon Wayans, as the titular character, whooped his ass.
3) Damon Wayans starred in The Last Boyscout alongside Bruce Willis.
4) Bruce Willis saved the world in The Fifth Element, where he was thanked by President Lindberg, played by Tommy "Zeus" Lister Jr.
5) Tommy "Zeus" Lister Jr. starred in No Holds Barred with Hulk Hogan.
6) On April 2, 2005, Hulk Hogan was inducted into the Hall of Fame by Sylvester Stallone.

John Houston

Great entry this week Johnny Boy. The wrestling start and wrestling end was well played, my only problem was that I don't know who Tommy Lister is. Now TINY Lister...yeah, that's my boy right there. I call that semantics.

#1.

Greg Pryor dips his toe back in the 6DO pool:

Hey B, Im gonna ease myself back into 6do gently...and once again reign supreme!

Rambo 2 stars evil Karate Master John Kreese AKA Martin Kove
Martin Kove Starred in the Shadow Warriors Movies with Carl Weathers
Carl Weathers played down on his luck cop ex Joe Clark in the shield.
The shield Season 5 featured the murder of Lem played by Kenneth Johnson
Kenneth Johnson is also the real name of the Doctor of Style Slick
Slick managed The One Man Gang

To be fair John had a more solid entry but...John Kreese and Carl Weathers? Who's going to stop those bad ass mofos?? No one...that's who.

Left Overs…

In the Playboy interview Maria claims that some of the craziest places she's had sex were on a pool table, in a dirty bathroom on a road trip, and in her parent's bed. Last year when asked the same question about the craziest place she's ever had sex Candice Michelle responded, "probably in the ear".

Ric Flair is going to be on a new show called "Secret Talents of the Stars". In it you'll see celebrities and their hidden talents and each week you can vote for your favorites. Reportedly Ric Flair's secret talent is…being made entirely out of leather. He will go head to head with George Hamilton in week 2.

Rumors have it that Lita, not to be out done by Flair, will also be appearing in reality/game show called: America's Got Herpes.

Former TNA wrestlers, The Naturals, were spotted backstage at RAW this past week. When reached for comment Chase Stevens had this to say,"It's really an honor to be back here amongst some of the greatest wrestling talent of all time, just a very humbling experience…so would you like the pulled pork or the BBQ chicken sir?"

While Ric Flair and Eddie Graham are being inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, Johnny Walker and Jose Cuervo are being inducted into the Scott Hall of Fame this year.

Mickey Rourke is playing the character of Randy "The Ram" in the movie "The Wrestler". Right now however, that character copyright is being disputed by this man who claims he already owns the name via his myspace page. Or you can reach him at 976-The-BigO.

Jeff Hardy ‘lost' his dog in a house fire. The silver lining is that a Filipino family then ‘found' a meal in a house fire. See, silver lining. (remember, only Filipinos can make this joke…ya crazy crackas.)

Kurt Angle has been floating around the rumor that he and Randy Couture may be doing a "Submission match" in the near future. Couture has plenty of weapons in his arsenal to submit Angle including: the Anaconda choke, Guillotine choke, Kimura, and Armbar. Conversely Kurt Angle has plenty of ways to make Couture tap out including: Ankle lock, cross face chicken wing, a Karen Angle promo.

I would fully support Shad Gaspard being an American Gladiator. His new "Gladiator" name could consist of the choices: Hood, Robbin', Thug, Car Jack, Felony, or Token.

You know that new rap song by Webbie called: I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T? The one that goes "I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what that means, man?" And I'm thinking to myself. "Do you know what that means? I bet half the muthaf*ckas listening to that song don't even know what that SPELLS". Seriously, it took my generation like 3 weeks just to figure out that "O.P.P." was just an acronym…and another 3 weeks to figure out what ‘acronym' even meant.

The Great Booty Debate 2008

Well the Asian bitches are back on top (I prefer doggy myself) as by the Grace of Park they eeked out a narrow one vote victory. This week we'll match two more models against each other as the light skinned Pinay sensation Leah Dizon goes up against Victoria's least well kept secret; Adriana Lima.

Random Asian Bitch Lookin' Good Pic of the Week



The Dirty Dizon never looked this good

Random Latina Bitch Lookin' Good Pic of the Week



Every time a teenage boy gets a boner from a commercial an ‘Angel' gets it's wings.

On April 5th Pro Wrestling Guerrilla will feature a match pitting Hello Kitty against Kuromi. Seriously, go check out the website. I'm thinking this somehow ends up with a run in by Badtz Maru and an eventual tag team match with Kerokeropi. Seriously though, for those who don't know Hello Kitty originally got her start in Mexico as a masked luchador and not in the world of Joshi. She was known in Mexico simply as "Hola Gato".

A list of current WWE marketing strategies to be expanded in the coming year have included the following: a joint venture with Lens Crafters featuring the "You Can't See Me" 1 hour glasses guarantee, limited edition ice cream flavors from Ben & Jerry's (Cyber Sundae, Carmelgeddon, and FudgeMint Day), and a new protein powder coming out in February of next year called: No Whey Out.

Pimpin' In High Places

This just in; the 411mania wrestling zone will be holding a Battle Royal next week with the winner actually replacing Jeff Hardy in the "Money in the Bank" match...on ps3. Hey, it's best we can do.:

Ask 411 gives you a little taste of George "The Animal" Steele this week. Cook seems to have answered a few less questions this week, perhaps taking it easy in order to save up his strength for our much anticipated battle on next week's "Buy or Sell". Tune in to see me treat Cook like the Bengals treat state and federal laws.

El hijo de Adam has a sammich for Wrestlemania. If you're carb conscious you might be able to e-mail him and get a Wrestlemania lettuce wrap instead.

Csonka takes on the Mondy Night Wars, '97 style. Or roughly the last time Funaki got a win.

Bauer takes WM to the EXTREME!! Now if he only had a swank trench coat and a skullet.

Sammy has his I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T Mid Card....do you know what that means? No? Oh...well click and read then ya illiterate SOB.

Jerome Cusson has the 10th Anniversary of WM14. Next week he'll have the 14th anniversary of WM10. Or the 1st anniversary of WM23. Okay, dead horse beaten.

CoH has the Independent Buy In Spectacular part DOS. Which is pretty much the only thing that ol' Sweet n' Sour Larry Sweeney hasn't taken over. Wait a second, why are #'s 1 through 9 all "The Best of Sweet n' Sour"? Oh no, et tu Ari?

HH has special guest Stephen Randle this week. NO clue as to whether Csonka also makes a fictional appearance.

Lansdell has his Pro Wrasslin' Olympics idea. Team Philippines is going to be pretty thin; Batista, B-Boy, TJ Perkins, Scott Lost, Shiima Xion, and...um...Domino and JTG. What? When you add Domino and a "G" you get, Domingo...right?

Damn, I was really caught with my pants down during the 411mania Fantasty Baseball Draft last week. It wasn't my fault, I found a way around my company's "firewall" and I found a good place to download a free version of that Kim Kardashian sex ta…nevermind. Well I will admit that I might have made a few "questionable picks" including Michael Young (8th rd), Garrett Atkins (5th rd), Joe Borowski (any round), and I clearly wasn't able to grab enough Japanese players to back up my in-draft claim of fielding an "All Asian Team". I'm telling you though that I thought Teixeira was a fancy Filipino name and I confused Michael Young with Michael Yung. Still, maybe I can swing a few trades and I'll rename my team the "Bronze Warriors". Then again I do blame Ken Schmidt's "Yellow Fever" for being the reason so many ‘bruthas' didn't make it down to my draft spot. For the curious my team looks like this: A-rod, Ichiro, Texeira, C.C. Sabathia, G. Atkins, Felix Hernandez, B.McCann, M.Young, Lincecum, H.Kendricks, T.Hoffman, J.Francoeur, J.Ellsbury, C.Cordero, Kosuke Fukudome, Joba, C.Bucholz, J.Owen, D.Pedroia, J.Borowski, F.Morales, and B.Butler. Yeah, not exactly awe inspiring, but it'll have to do until I figure out how to trade for at least two Taiwanese short stops and a Japanese middle reliever. I hear there is a podcast of it over in the sports section. Seems long so I haven't listened to it yet since it's like an hour and a half...although I hear there was some serious bashing of me on it. Someone let me know what that was about. I hear Berman has a hex on me now...if I start getting thinner each day I swear I'll beat his gypsy ass. Which you will be able to download on www.thecoolkidstable.net. Oh yeah, PWG runs this weekend tomorrow night in Reseda. The show features Human Tornado vs Necro Butcher, Kingston/Claudio vs Joey/Lost, El Generico vs Chris Hero, and a Candian Chick fight as Candice LaRae takes on LuFisto. Looks interesting. Hope they don't get too aggressive on the pre-entry frisk this time and the drunks stick to the far end of the venue. Doubtful, but a guy can dream can't he? I'll be the dude in the 2nd row, right side, with the beer bong.

Till then, the Truth will set you free.

-B