The MeeThinks Friday FreeThinks: 03.28.08

Posted by John Meehan on 03.28.2008

WrestleMania Weekend is here! And I'm headed to ORLANDO, bitchezzzzz!!!



Welcome back, all! And thanks again for tuning in for your regularly scheduled week-end dose of intrawebz optimism in this wild and wacky world of professional wrestling. This weekend is the capstone of the wrestling calendar year, and so we'll be taking this column in a slightly different direction in honor of Sunday's supershow of shows... WRESTLEMANIA 24!

I'm particularly pumped for this year's Big Dance, as I'll be attending the show LIVE with my dad and my brother (and my fiancee, though she's probably spending the night with The Mouse). If you're headed to the show, be sure to keep an eye out for the Meehan clan in and around Section 214 (row K).

As the old proverb goes: "And ye shall know Mee by my mohawk and Lemmy-Chops".

Anyhow --

Since this week is pretty much exclusively blocked out for all-things-WrestleMania-related, I figured it would only be fitting to scrap our usually scheduled "issue by issue" format and instead dedicate the entirety of this week's column to sizing up the matches, stories, performers and rumors that have helped to shape the card of WrestleMania 24. As such, we'll be taking things in a "match by match" fashion, sizing up all of the recent scuttlebut and stories as they pertain to each individual bout on the card along the way. In addition, we'll be tackling some of the criticism and controversy that has already been directed at each of the bouts on this show (it never fails -- each year before the event, there's ALWAYS at least one or two people bitching about a show they haven't even seen)... and with luck, we'll do our best to temper some of the haters and serve up a fresh batch of reasonable, fair, and (GASP!) positive expectations for each of the contests listed below.

As a bonus (since this *is* my column, and all), I'll be throwing in "MeeThinks" on the predicted winners for each of the matches on this year's card. And in addition (since I'm such a sucker for all-things-Orlando-vacation-related, and am happy to report that this weekend marks my FOURTH trip to the area in the past 365 days), I've decided to pepper this puppy up with a few annecdotal sidebars of tips, trivia and tidbits on a bunch of the tourist sites in and around the Orlando area. Basically, it's a mix of personal preferences and "must-see" attractions for those of y'all who'll be making the trek down to Orlando for the Big Dance this weekend. That way, if you're staying in the area and looking to kill an extra day of touring -- you'll have a handy little list of some of the highlights that the theme parks and tourist traps that the sunshine state has to offer :)

Sound like a plan?

Rock & Roll.


24-Man Battle Royal
Winner to Receive ECW Title Shot vs. Chavo Guerrero (c) [1-1] Immediately Following

Battle Royals on the televised portion of WrestleMania are something of a rarity, and contests of this nature featuring a ringfull of active competitors are even less frequent in this day and age.

WrestleMania 24's chase for the ECW Championship will be no different, as WWE.com has confirmed that the 24-man Battle Royal to determine the number one contender for the ECW Championship will actually take place *BEFORE* the regular televised portion of the WrestleMania PPV -- meaning that fans who aren't in live attendance in Orlando can watch this show "exclusively" via the WWE.com website. In short, it's the 2008 answer to the famed "Free for All" PPV preview shows and Sunday Night Heat countdown programs of yesteryear. Not really the worst idea in the world, when you think about it -- as it piles on the (sub)stars in order to entice a few extra last-minute buys, and it does so *without* disrupting the overall flow of the actual WrestleMania PPV itself by forcing the supershow to derail all momentum in favor of 24 separate, "WrestleMania-worthy" superstar entrances.

(Because let's face it, it'd look pretty weak to have a venue as huge as the Citrus Bowl play host to "THE LARGEST PYROTECHNICS DISPLAY IN WWE HISTORY!!!" and "THE UNDERTAKER'S ENTRANCE THAT WILL BE AS LONG AS A FOOTBALL FIELD" only to turn around and trot out two dozen lower-card guys in a row, most of whom come with generic arena rock entrance themes and a complete lack of fireworks altogether)

Now as for the participants in this year's match, Tuesday's ECW made it appear as if we can expect the following men to compete:

Brian Kendrick
Chuck Palumbo
Cody Rhodes
Deuce
Domino
Elijah Burke
Festus
"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan
Hardcore Holly
Jamie Noble
Jesse
Jimmy Wang Yang
Kane
Kofi Kingston
Lance Cade
Mark Henry
Matt Striker
Shannon Moore
Snitsky
The Great Khali
The Miz
Tommy Dreamer
Trevor Murdoch
Val Venis

Looking at the list of announced superstars, it's probably a safe bet to lop off about half of them (or more) in order to narrow the field down to the most credible of contenders. As such, I'd go ahead and nix Kendrick, Palumbo, Rhodes, Deuce, Domino, Festus, Duggan, Holly, Jesse, Yang, Cade, Striker, Moore, Miz, Murdoch and Venis right off the bat. With those sixteen down, we're left with eight credible (or semi-credible) challengers to walk away with a title shot:

Elijah Burke (the closest thing to a homegrown star from the new ECW)
Jamie Noble (riding a decent push and is good buds with HBK)
Kane (perpetual threat and resident babyface big man)
Kofi Kingston (still undefeated newcomer)
Mark Henry (Smackdown's resident monster)
Snitsky (fresh off of a win in the team battle on ECW)
The Great Khali (big and ugly, and unbeaten at WrestleMania)
Tommy Dreamer (ECW's "old pro" with a half-storyline against Chavo)

Of that list, Burke, Henry and Snitsky are heels -- so the chances of them challenging Chavo in a heel/heel 'Mania matchup ain't all that great. Khali's a rulebreaker too, but he's terribly limited in the ring and so WWE tries to keep him off of live television and PPV as much as possible -- meaning he's also fighting an uphill battle for a WrestleMania match. That leaves us with Kofi Kingston, who's new and unbeaten but still has yet to engage in a major feud. Noble is probably your best bet for an actual in-ring matchup against Chavito later in the night, but unless WWE is planning on giving two "smaller guys" upwards of 12-15 minutes to steal the show with a technical showcase, then I wouldn't count on seeing Jamie wind up the Battle Royal winner. And so we're left with Kane and Tommy Dreamer -- one of whom can't seem to break even at WestleManias past for trying (Kane is 4-5 in past WM outings), and the other of whom can barely even seem to end up on the WrestleMania CARD (though Dreamer is unbeaten at WrestleMania, he's only ever competed at ONE WrestleMania PPV).

MeeThinks: If you're an ECW purist at heart, then the WWE's reincarnation of this once-extreme style of sports entertainment has certainly left you disappointed and underwhelmed over the past 18 months or so. All that said, I can't help but think that even the most diehard of ECW fans can't help but find themselves at least *somewhat* excited to see that the two most likely of challengers for the ECW strap at this year's WrestleMania PPV are probably the closest things left to "EXTREME" that WWE's third brand has to offer.

On the one hand, you've got "The Big Red Machine," Kane -- a journeyman performer with a "dark" edge and a killer of a (kayfabe) backstory (not unlike Raven of the original ECW, come to think of it), and the perfect fit for ECW's current Sci-Fi home. Less over-the-top than his storyline "zombie" of a brother in The Undertaker, it's really not too terribly much of a stretch to see a slightly rougher-around-the-edges version of the Kane persona actually fitting quite nicely into the ECW of old.

On the flip side, there's Tommy Dreamer -- the one remaining ECW Original left to carry the flag (sure there's Stevie... but is Balls Mahoney even employed anymore?) long after his higher-profile ex-comrades have made their exit from this new (and perhaps not so improved) "land of extreme." For Dreamer at age 37, this year's WrestleMania is probably as good a shot as he's ever likely to find of receiving a chance to compete for gold on "the grandest stage of them all." And on the fluke chance that he *is* able to pull off the win in the 24-man pre-show Battle Royal, you simply can't help but think that just about everybody in the Citrus Bowl will find themselves rooting for the guy if he ends up going toe-to-toe with Chavo Guererro by night's end. Great match? Not likely. But great storytelling all the same? I see no reason why not. So mark Mee down for Tommy Dreamer in the one and only "old pro walks out a winner" upset of the night (sorry, Nature Boy).

---

Top Ten MeeThings to Do and See in Universal Studios

10) Dueling Dragons - If only for its INSANE queing area.
9) TNA Wrestlers - You just know they're going to be there somewhere.
8) Incredible Hulk - For my money, it's Central Florida's best coaster.
7) Popeye and Bluto's Bilge Rat Barges - A soaking good time.
6) Men In Black: Alien Attack - Even better than Buzz Lightyear.
5) Starbucks Coffee - Nestled in the Studios NYC for your java fix.
4) Jaws - Ride it as close to dusk as you can.
3) The Simpsons Ride - Brand new for all you Bartman fans!
2) Margaritaville - The rumors of a 411 staff party are true.
1) The Amazing Adventures of Spider-Man - Best sim ride in Florida.

Belfast Brawl
Finlay [0-2] vs. John "Bradshaw" Layfield [2-6]

Fans of the knock-down, drag-out, "Southern" brawl style of old-school professional wrestling should find a lot to like about this matchup, as Finlay and JBL really tend to shine when placed in no-holds-barred environments such as this. Looking back on JBL's career, fans will note that some of the guy's best matchups have come in matches where the stipulations favored a brutal, bloody, "anything goes" approach:

JBL vs. Eddie Guerrero - Bullrope Match - Great American Bash 2004
JBL vs. John Cena - I Quit Match - Judgment Day 2005
JBL vs. Batista - No Holds Barred Match - SummerSlam 2005

You'll also note that even when he's losing, Bradshaw can deliver quite a good show.

On the other end of the ring, there's Finlay -- perhaps the one man on a WWE roster with a career that most closely resembles that of the newly unretired JBL. After a six year hiatus from in-ring competition, Finlay returned in 2006 and quickly resumed his hard-hitting, no-nonsense approach that once made him something of an international sensation. Though WWE's resident Irish brawler has taken just about as many beatings as he was able to dish out over the past two years (with a slew of high-profile losses to Lashley, Kane and Rey Mysterio), his feuds have been at their best when he's immersed in a match where he's given free reign to bend the rules to suit his style.

The "x" factor, of course, is the involvement of Hornswoggle and/or Vince McMahon. Vinny Mac has shifted back to the role of "semi-active" performer, of late, and so it's not entirely out of the question that he'll be making at least some sort of appearance at this year's Big Dance (that doesn't bode well for Finlay). Hornswoggle, meanwhile, has been all but absent from live, in-the-arena appearances ever since he sustained that wicked beatdown from JBL on Feb. 18. Six weeks away from a live appearance is an eternity these days by WWE standards, and so there's probably a good chance we'll be seeing a "WrestleMania moment" with the Little Bastard before all's said and done. Whether or not he'll be able to deliver anything more than a "little" (sorry, couldn't resist) dose of comedy is anybody's guess... but a brief distraction might be all that Finlay needs in order to pull out the win in a contest like this where he seems so evenly matched against an opponent with such a similar style.

MeeThinks: With HBK/Flair almost assuredly going on later in the evening than this contest, I wouldn't expect to see *too* too much in the way of ultraviolence and bloodshed in this contest -- as it would kind of detract from the dramatic effect of the "crimson mask" or two that we're almost certain to be in store for later in the night. That said, there's more to a brawl than a blade job -- and with these two rough-and-tumble combatants boasting similar styles and a penchant for plunder, it's probably a safe bet that we'll be seeing a few "oohs" and "ahhs!" as the action spills outside of the ring and well onto the outdoor stadium floor (think Randy Savage vs. Crush at WrestleMania X). Since the Citrus Bowl is an open-air venue and the event is slated for a 7 p.m. start time, fans might just be in for a real treat as this match could have an overall feel that's quite reminiscent of the ringside chaos that was so characteristic of the old WCW Spring Breakout shows from Panama City. As for the outcome? I'm thinking Finlay picks up the win here with the help of some wee little shenanigans.

---

Top Ten MeeThings to Do and See in Epcot

10) Spaceship Earth - Judi Dench lives inside the giant golf ball!
9) Coca Cola Club Cool - Free soda (no joke)! Try The Beverly from Italy.
8) Test Track - Fastest ride on Disney property that's not a tour bus.
7) Mission Space - If yer gonna' spew, spew into this.
6) Maelstrom - The backward waterfall STILL freaks my brother out.
5) The Norway Pavillion - Blonde foreign babes abound.
4) Gran Fiesta Tour - Much improved over its predecessor.
3) Soarin - Sit back and smell the orange groves.
2) Kaki Gori - It's like water ice, only Japanimated.
1) Living with the Land - ECOFARMING! HYDROPONICS! And FISH!

BunnyMania Lumberjill Divas Match
Ashley Massaro [0-1] and Maria Kanellis [WM Debut] vs. Beth Phoenix [WM Debut] and Melina [1-0]

Going into a match that's being billed as "BunnyMania," there's probably little doubt that fans weren't exactly expecting to see a five-star-classic. That said, Candice Michelle is probably the single most improved in-ring performer on ALL of the WWE rosters over the past calendar year, and so it's certainly a bit of a letdown to see this particular Diva-on-the-rise go down with an(other!) injury less than seven days before the Big Dance. And in a last-ditch effort to find a suitable replacement, there have even been a handfull of fans who've suggested that WWE should have tried to court such past WWE divas as Trish Stratus, Amy "Lita" Dumas, or Tammy Sytch (a.k.a. "Sunny") for a one-night-only return to a WWE ring in order to lend this contest some "WrestleMania magic" and help salvage this women's-contest-gone-wrong.

While I'll be the first to admit how AWESOME it would be to see any of those ladies make a one-night-only cameo return to the squared circle, I've simply gotta' believe that WWE knows that this match had pretty much sold itself as much as it ever was going to (girls + Playboy + Snoop Dog = people know what to expect from the affair). People aren't tuning into this one to see quality in-ring action (and they never WERE) -- they're tuning in to see WWE's latest batch of Playboy covergirls receive what pretty much amounts to their obligatory 15 minutes of WrestleMania fame.

As such, wasting a one-off return from a Diva of yesteryear (and one WITHOUT ties to the aforementioned "Playboy" brand, no less -- as the only other past WWE Divas who *do* have ties to Playboy are none other than Sable and Chyna, NIETHER of whom are either in any condition nor in any position of good graces with the folks in WWE headquarters) probably wasn't the smartest way to cash out any remaining chips the company might have with as talented an in-ring performer as Trish Stratus and the like. On the off chance that WWE does decide to trot out Trish or Lita one day (as they did for the super RAW show a few months back), they can use these performers as a novelty attraction on their own merits -- rather than ones that are lost in the shuffle of Playboy, pillowfights, and "puppies."

MeeThinks: If you go into this one expecting it to be a pretty diversion and a chance to hit the restrooms (which it is) rather than a five-star classic and the second coming of women's wrestling in North America (which it's NOT), then chances are you'll find little to complain about when it finally comes to pass. Expect it to be fun, silly, short and inoffensive (not unlike so many a one-night stand, eh?) -- I mean fo rizzle... there'll be SNOOP DOGG at ringside, for cryin' out loud. Put it in perspective and don't take yourselves so seriously, ya' know?

Regarding the outcome: Babyfaces don't tend to lose in Lumberjack(Jill?) matches, and Playboy covergirls don't tend to lose at WrestleMania... and so there's no reason to believe that we'll be seeing a break from that trend any time soon. For all of you Mickie James/Candice Michelle/Victoria/etc. fans out there who'll be chipping your teeth because the more skilled of WWE's in-ring competitors will be forced to watch this one from the sidelines, take solace in the fact that at least this year's obligatory "T&A" matchup isn't coming at the expense of further devaluing the Women's Title (if that's even POSSIBLE, at this point) by simply slapping it around the waist of the latest chica to show some skin. Let Maria and Ashley get the "sell some magazines" win, and then let Beth Phoenix quietly move along and onto a more meaningful in-ring showdown over the belt with a more polished in-ring challenger in a few weeks.

---

Top Ten MeeThings to Do and See in The Animal Kingdom

10) It's Tough to Be a Bug! - Watch out for dung beetles.
9) Anandapur Tea Company - It's like a Starbucks gone "wild."
8) Dinosaur - An "oldie," but a goodie.
7) The Yak and the Yeti - Worst. Restaurant. Name. EVER.
6) Khali River Rapids - Sloppy chops and vice grip optional.
5) Pizzafari - Best place for lunch in all of Disney World.
4) Rafiki's Planet Watch - Home to Disney's only WWF (yes, WWF) t-shirt shop.
3) Expedition Everest - The biggest and baddest of the Disney mountains.
2) Kilimanjaro Safaris - Lions! But no Tigers or Bears. Oh my.
1) Maharaja Jungle Trek - Tigers. THEYRRRR'E GRRRRREAT!

Smackdown! vs. RAW: Interpromotional Match
Batista [3-1] vs. Umaga [0-1]

If nothing else, this year's "Battle for Brand Supremacy" should -- at the very least -- prove light years more entertaining (and dare we say "technically sound?") than the interbrand brawl between The Great Khali and Kane at LAST year's WrestleMania. Thanks to the benefit of the brand extension, Batista is easily the most logical rival for Umaga (as The Samoan Bulldozer has pretty much faced off with -- and lost to -- just about every major star on the RAW roster), and The Animal is a MUCH better all-around performer than Umaga's WrestleMania rival of last year in Bobby Lashley.

Unfortunately for RAW's GM, William Regal (and Umaga), superstars from the Monday night show have been outshined by the blue brand during interbrand showdowns at WrestleMania (they're like NFC teams in the SuperBowl, really). Not counting Money in the Bank matchups or incidental "stars from both shows" contests (dark matches, battle royals, invitationals, etc.) and looking strictly at the bouts of one-on-one brand vs. brand supremacy, we've got:

WrestleMania XX - Bill Goldberg (RAW) defeats Brock Lesnar (SD!)
WrestleMania XX - The Undertaker (SD!) defeats Kane (RAW)
WrestleMania 21 - The Undertaker (SD!) defeats Randy Orton (RAW)
WrestleMania 21 - Kurt Angle (SD!) defeats Shawn Michaels (RAW)
WrestleMania 23 - The Great Khali (RAW) defeats Kane (SD!)

That's a 3-2 odds in favor of Smackdown, which means that Umaga will have his work cut out for him if he's going to even the score. And looking at the guy's track record in pay per view events since last year's WrestleMania loss to Lashley, one could probably make the case that Umaga comes into this match in SERIOUS need of a PPV win. Yet in spite of the fact that he hasn't won on a Sunday show since SummerSlam (say THAT ten times fast!), Umaga continues to be about as dominant a threat as they come on the red brand, and so he seems like the perfect option to offer up in a war between shows on this year's WM card.

As for Batista, he's been pretty directionless since moving from his feud over the World Title. Unfortunately for The Animal, this year's WrestleMania is likely going to result in The Undertaker (or Edge) walking out with the gold -- meaning that Batista will already have faced off against the man holding the World Championship over the course of a number of PPV encounters less than 12 months ago... which is not exactly the kind of track record that makes people want to run out and buy a PPV to see the guy challenge for the belt again in what is really little more than a rehash of a rehash of a rehash. In other words, while a WM win over Umaga would be a great boost to keep Batista on the main-event radar, an extended feud with The Samoan Bulldozer might actually do more to sustain his top-level staying power in the long run.

MeeThinks: Rumors are swirling that The Samoan Bulldozer may well be headed to the blue brand by the start of the summer, so there's every reason to believe that this contest could end up in a screwy or controversial schmozz of a finish, leaving the door open for these two behemoths to revisit their rivalry once the rosters are realligned in this year's Draft. As for which guy walks out the winner? By the looks of things, WrestleMania 24 will be heavy on babyface victories... and so my best guess is that if there *is* any sort of victor declared in this first clash of these interbrand titans, smart money is on Umaga to walk away the winner in order to balance out the rest of the card's "good triumphs over evil" feel.

---

Top Ten MeeThings to Do and See in Disney's Hollywood Studios

10) Hollywood Studios Signage - Can YOU find references to the park's old name?
9) Rosie's All American - Great for a lunch bargain and not half bad.
8) Rockin' Roller Coaster - For all you "Guitar Hero: Aerosmith" junkies.
7) Star Tours - Motion sickness? You betcha.
6) Toy Story Mania - Not open yet, but they're rumoring "sneak previews."
5) The Hollywood Brown Derby - Nicest in-park restaurant around.
4) Fantasmic! - The very best of Disney's nighttime shows.
3) The Great Movie Ride - Shows its age, but still boasts A/C.
2) High School Musical Pep Rally - What team? WILDCATS, bitches.
1) Twilight Zone Tower of Terror - Best ride in the park, hands down.

"The Biggest" vs. "The Best"
Big Show [1-6] vs. Floyd "Money" Mayweather [WM Debut]

SOOOOO many self-spun "armchair experts" have chimed in on this one and derided WWE for their booking of this angle up until this point. Many have lambasted WWE for not going full-tilt with a clear-cut heel vs. face dynamic in this one, and have gone as far as to accuse the company of "lazy storytelling" when it comes to casting the two roles these men are scheduled to play as they approach the boxer vs. wrestler showdown at this year's WrestleMania.

Frankly, I find that line of thinking pretty tenuous (at best) and shallow (at worst). In the world of competitive athletics OUTSIDE of professional wrestling (like MMA, or boxing, or...), *rarely* -- if ever -- are two combatants painted in so clear a role of "good guy" versus "bad guy." Sure, there's the suspected cheaters (Barry Bonds, the New England Patriots, etc.) and the loudmouth smartasses (like Muhammad Ali, Dennis Rodman and Tito Ortiz) who tend to garner a fair bit of "heelish" attention as fans pay to see them get their comeuppance, but by and large the real world of non-scripted sports is usually pretty vague as to which guy is playing the "bad guy" role.

You might just like the New York Yankees because you grew up in Brooklyn. Or maybe you root for Tiger Woods simply because you respect the guy's skill. Or perhaps you cheer for the Oakland A's, the New York Jets, or the Washington Capitals simply because they've sucked for SOOOOO long, and you're just dying to see the underdogs get their chance to shine.

WHATEVER the case may be, the bottom line is that real world sports aren't nearly as prescriptivist when it comes to telling fans which side to boo or cheer. And when dropping a real world athlete like Floyd Mayweather smack dab into the scripted realm of pseudo-sport that is professional wrestling, it's kind of uncharted waters to expect boxing fans to immediately take to the angle if all of the sudden their intelligence is being insulted and they're being told to boo for the one guy that's getting them to watch this whole sideshow in the first place.

EVEN MORESO -- while having Mayweather in the clear-cut, "boxing is better than wrestling" heel role would obviously have put him in the more conventionally marketable postition of all-out bad guy (by pro wrestling standards, anyway), the bottom line is that this approach would probably have done more harm than good to the wrestling folks credibility when all was said and done, as there's little chance that wrestling (or boxing) fans will be seeing this loudmouth braggart get his just desserts at WrestleMania. Athletes and celebrities don't tend to lose at WrestleMania (ask Mr. T, or Butterbean, or Akebono, etc.), and so having one come in to talk all sorts of smack on how they have no respect for pro wrestling and STILL come out the big winner would pretty much be tantamount to burying *your* industry (wrestling) for the sake of "putting over" the other one (boxing). But since WWE is in the business of selling WRESTLING shows long after their boxing friend has come and gone... well, you can see why they'd have cause for concern.

MeeThinks: Win, lose, or draw, this angle has gotten MANY people talking. From mainstream media outlets to so-called sports "insiders" to wrestling fans alike, this is easily the one match on the card with the greatest potential for crossover appeal. Sure, Floyd is no Donald Trump -- and so it's debatable as to whether or not people will be tuning in en masse simply to see the Show/Mayweather throwdown -- he's certainly as marketable a "real" athlete name as WWE has ever managed to conscript into taking part in a WrestleMania match, and there is no reason to believe that the boxing star won't be able to entice at least a fair chunk of "curiosity" buys from the legit sports fans and outlets out there who -- once a year, at least -- agree to check their cynicism at the door and tune in to the pseudo-sport spectacle that is WrestleMania. As such, I'd expect Mayweather to be rewarded with a win for his contributions.

---

Top Ten MeeThings to Do and See in The Magic Kingdom

10) Dole Whip - It's like ice cream meets a slurpie!
9) The Haunted Mansion - Come for the ghosts, stay for the MC Escher staircase!
8) Tony's Town Square - For theme park Italian fare, it's as good as it gets.
7) The Jungle Cruise - Set up "camp" at this Adventureland staple.
6) its a small world - Just don't look up at the ceiling tiles.
5) The Hall of Presidents - Two words for ya: "air conditioning."
4) The Crystal Palace Restaurant - Where else can you have "Pooh" for dinner?
3) Pirates of the Caribbean - Keep your eyes peeled for Johnny Depp. True story.
2) Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin - Often broken, ALWAYS fun.
1) Splash Mountain - Thinly-veiled racism be damned!

Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Carlito [0-1] vs. Chris Jericho [2-5] vs. CM Punk [0-1] vs. John Morrison [WM Debut] vs. Mr. Kennedy [1-0] vs. MVP [0-1] vs. Shelton Benjamin [1-3]

The biggest gripe that people have been levying at this contest is the fact that they believe MVP's inclusion in this match came at the expense of a WrestleMania singles' match blowoff between him and Matt Hardy and their long-running feud over the United States title. While this is completely a valid and justifiable point, MeeThinks it might be worth pointing out that we, as fans, don't know *precisely* how healthy Matt Hardy actually was when the final plans were being drawn up for this year's WrestleMania card just a few weeks ago. Sure, Hardy has made a number of (non-televised) returns on the WWE house show circuit over the past several weeks and all, and so we have every reason to believe that he's "itchin' and ready to go" and pick right up where he left off... but the actual amount of in-ring action that the guy has seen in that time (not to mention the six months prior) has been extremely limited, at best. And -- if you'll notice -- NONE of it has been on television.

In other words?

If Hardy's still showing signs of "ring rust," or if at ANY point over the past six weeks doctors even so much as suggested that the guy's ability to perform in an extended, SINGLES bout on live television was in any way up in the air... then perhaps it's not the worst thing in the world that the decision was made to keep him OUT of precisely such a match on the grandest stage of them all. In the era of Wellness-related suspensions and injuries (not to mention the recent high-profile derailing of another Hardy boy's meteoric rise to the top), the absolute LAST thing WWE needed was to see a long-awaited WrestleMania payoff to what was once Smackdown's hottest angle flushed right down the tubes simply because they rushed one of their key performers back to full, active competition even so much as a few weeks before he was fully healed and 100% ready to return. Had Matt rushed himself back from injury and to television simply to get his name on the WrestleMania card for a match against MVP, the guy might just end up inadvertantly sidelined again sooner than you know it, and WWE would have run a serious risk of finding themselves one high-profile match short for WrestleMania.

Sucks to miss a blowoff at WrestleMania, granted... but if the guy's health was in question? Then it's MUCH better to save it for Backlash (or Vengeance).

As for the rest of the criticism that's been directed at this match...

One can't help but notice that aNOTHER Hardy boy just so happens to be at the center of that little maelstrom as well. Three weeks ago, Jeff Hardy was slated for the Money in the Bank ladder match, and just about EVERYBODY and their brother was pegging him as the odds-on-favorite to walk out of the bout with the briefcase in hand. But now that Jeff's on the sidelines? Suddenly, the outcome of this match is busted WIDE open -- and just like that, there's every reason to believe that two (maybe even three) guys who previously hadn't stood a chance might just walk away the winner of the whole shebang. And in a sport where wins and losses are scripted anyhow, isn't the point of being a fan in the first place to "suspend your disbelief" and allow the storytellers the chance to spin their yarns and catch you by surprise?

If so, this year's Money in the Bank showdown might just be the single most intriguing matchup on the entire card.

MeeThinks: Longest odds are certainly on Carlito and Shelton Benjamin, neither of whom seem to be working their way any closer to "credible title threat" status no matter what high-risk stunts they'll be willing to bust out in this particular contest. Jericho seems like another semi-longshot, as the guy is holding IC gold and has already faced off against (and lost to) each of the three major title threats on RAW. Elsewhere, John Morrison went from ECW Champ to tag-ranks mainstay, and I really can't see them revisiting a main-event run for the guy so long as he and the Miz continue to don tag team gold. And Kennedy broke Bad Guy RUle #1 by revealing his plans on how he'd use the title shot (before he'd even won it), so James Bond Villain-logic 101 sez he's pretty much a lost cause. That leaves us with CM Punk and MVP. Word on the street is that Punk is in line for a HUGE push just after WrestleMania (thanks to his drug-free, "kid-friendly" appeal and the launch of WWE's new Kids magazine and promotional campaign), but then again MVP is probably the biggest heel in this entire affair, and two out of three past Money in the Bank victories (and the similarly heelish "guaranteed title shot" clause) have gone to rulebreakers in years past.

On a coin flip, I'd say CM Punk... but this one can go either way, and I'd be thrilled to be proven wrong.

---

MeeThinks' Top Ten (Other) Dining Locales in Walt Disney World

10)The Garden Grill - Located just above Epcot's Living with the Land boat ride.
9) Le Cellier - Canada Pavillion's steakhouse. Worth every penny.
8) Cape May Cafe - Best buffet breakfast in the World.
7) Jiko - Try the grey stuff, it's delicious.
6) Rainforest Cafe - Overpriced, but tons of fun.
5) California Grill - Breathtaking view of the fireworks over Cinderella Castle.
4) Wolfgang Puck's - Might I suggest the thin-crust pizza?
3) Cinderella's Royal Table - Harder to get into than a Pearl Jam concert.
2) 'Ohana - If characters are your thing, then this is for you.
1) Rose & Crown Pub - Complete with lakeside view of Illuminations.

Career Threatening Match
Ric Flair [1-3] vs. Shawn Michaels [5-9]

Simply put, there is NOBODY better on the current and active WWE roster than Shawn Michaels to give Ric Flair his one last hurrah on the grandest stage of them all.

Batista? Nowhere near as capable in the ring, and -- from a kayfabe perspective -- far more heavily reliant on a power-offense style that would (and should) absolutely dominate a guy like Flair if the contest were to last more than ten minutes. Sure he's no spring chicken himself (Big Dave is 40+, ya' know) -- but the entire success of his character is based around his sheer size and strength. If he had to sell Flair's chops and crotch shots for a 15-minute affair, it would seriously make him look like a much "tamer" Animal than we've come to know and love.

Triple H? Though he's easily right there along HBK as the number two guy who could give The Nature Boy a quality swansong, the simple fact of the matter is that Flair and Hunter have gone toe-to-toe in WAAAAY too many contests of the past to make one last WrestleMania encounter seem anywhere near "new" or "fresh." Worse yet, if The Game *did* manage to be the one to "end" Ric Flair's career (even if only in storyline terms), you know the poor bastard would never hear the end of it. He's spent the better part of five years restoring his credibility as "the guy who doesn't need to book himself in every major angle and title match" -- why piss it away in a contest we've already seen?

The Undertaker? Ignoring the obvious overtones of "Old Yeller" facing the end of his career at the hands of wrestling's "Grim Reaper," the fact remains that a Flair/'Taker showdown has already taken place at WrestleMania before. Undertaker's laundry list of WrestleMania opponents already has it's fair share of repeats (Kane), guys past their prime (Snuka), folks needing to be carried throughout the match (Giant Gonzales), and used-to-be-a-contender B-teamers (Mark Henry). Undertaker's WrestleMania legacy is all but etched in stone, so why reduce The Nature Boy's last dance to little more than a repeat footnote to the Deadman's lore?

John Cena, Ken Kennedy, or MVP (etc.)? Little to nothing in the way of onscreen history with or against Ric Flair, and no amount of crash-course booking is going to cover for the fact that NONE of these guys have been around the business long enough to justify such a high profile honor as "the guy who ended Ric Flair's career" in the eyes of the older fans. Sure it's an easy way to make a new star overnight, but we've all seen what happens if success comes too quick when you strap a rocket to the back of a young buck and hope he'll pan out as "the next big thing" (see: Lesnar, Brock; Lashley, Bobby).

Harley Race, Dusty Rhodes, or Ricky Steamboat (etc.)? Not a one of these guys are in anywhere near the condition they'd need to be in order to pull off a fitting "last hurrah" for a guy the likes of Ric Flair. Ditto for Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper, and the countless other old-time pretenders to the throne of The Dirtiest Player in the Game. Simply put, Ric Flair is nearly 60 years old, and throwing him into the ring against an opponent who is just as limited (if not moreso!) by their age is simply asking for trouble. Sure, the build leading into the match would make for some great nostalgic fun, but odds are strong that the actual in-ring product would be an absolute stinker, given the bevy of injuries that each of these men have sustained over the course of their combined 100+ years in the wrestling industry. If you want to remember Ric Flair on a high note, then why pit him in a losing battle against a performer who simply won't be able to deliver anything *near* a quality performance in the ring.

And STING?!? Don't even get Mee started on that one. While I can totally understand and appreciate the fact that many old school NWA/WCW fans want to see The Nature Boy go out by way of one last dance against the man who was (arguably) the greatest opponent of the middle-period of Ric Flair's career, the long and short of the matter is that Sting is currently SIGNED TO AN EXCLUSIVE CONTRACT with a rival wrestling promotion, and trotting him into a WWE ring for even so much as one "special appearance" simply couldn't result in any sort of long-term implications or fallout once the Flair match was all said and done. Flair retires, Sting goes back to TNA, and WWE is left without not one but TWO stars... all while a perfectly marketable (and reliable) longterm commodity like Shawn Michaels who's already proven he's worth the company's investment ten times over would have been left watching WrestleMania from the sidelines.

MeeThinks: Shawn Michaels is as good as they come when it comes to active, in-ring performers on a WWE roster. And even though he too is getting up there in years (and is certainly nowhere near in need of "the rub" he might well receive by being the man to end the Nature Boy's career), the simple fact of the matter is that HBK is quite literally the best of what's around, and the best bet to pull one last big match out of The Nature Boy as he heads off into the sunset. Michaels sold his ass off (maybe even a bit more than necessary) for Hulk Hogan, and fans went absolutely bonkers for that affair (I should know, I was there LIVE) even though it was nowhere near a technical classic. Though fans will be sad to see Flair call it a career no matter HOW that day eventually comes, Shawn Michaels is as good a man to end it as anyone in professional wrestling today. And if you allow each of the elements that have made BOTH men's careers so successful their chance to shine on the night when the lights shine the brightest (knock-down, drag-out, catch-as-catch-can wrestling with a healthy dose of bloodshed and two battle-wearied rivals sharing a blood-soaked embrace to close out the contest)... there's little reason to doubt that this one could totally steal the show.

---

World Heavyweight Championship Match

MeeThinks' Top Ten Disney Hotels and Resorts

10)The Contemporary Resort - It's so... so... 70's!
9) Caribbean Beach Resort - Sun-soaked and affordable.
8) All Star Music - My personal pick for Disney's best value resort.
7) Yacht & Beach Club - All the charm of 1900's Atlantic City.
6) Port Orleans French Quarter - Beautiful little cottages on the bayou.
5) Animal Kingdom Lodge - Each guest gets a bonus sunrise safari.
4) Polynesian Resort - It's Disney's answer to Samoa Joe's entrance dancers.
3) Swan & Dolphin - Not technically Disney-owned, but right there on site.
2) Fort Wilderness - Highlighted, of course, by the Hoop-De-Do Review.
1) Grand Floridian Resort - If you've got the bucks, it's aces.

Edge (c) [5-1] vs. The Undertaker [15-0]

While I can certainly understand why a number of the most diehard of otherwise "smart"-fan Edgeheads out there are bummed to see The Rated R Superstar lined up against the Deadman at this year's WrestleMania, there's a part of Mee that can't help but laugh at their frustration with this entire affair. See, the ones voicing their discontent are -- by and large -- "smart" fans; viewers who know full well that pro wrestling is fixed, who root for the performers *we* want rather than the one's we're *told to* like, and who would much rather see this year's 'Mania match with The Undertaker used to elevate a new(er) star like Edge than see his momentum quelled on the grandest stage of them all. But on the flipside, the main reason why these fans are griping in the first place is probably because they believe (and perhaps rightly so) that Edge simply doesn't stand a chance to beat The Undertaker at WrestleMania XXIV, as the fifteen-year Phenom has yet to lose on the night where the lights shine the brightest. In other words, they're doing exactly what WWE wants them to do -- BUYING THE HYPE and falling hook, line and sinker like good little "marks" into the WWE-approved notion that NOBODY can best the Deadman at the Big Dance.

That said, of course --

Regardless of *what* made them come to their respective decisions, it seems that both "marks" and "smarts" alike would be hard-pressed to put money on The Rated R Superstar at this year's WrestleMania.

Way back in May of last year, "The Ultimate Opportunist" (what a terrible nickname) planted the seeds for his rivalry against The Deadman by spearing the then-champion into a four-month sabbatical (to cover for a real-life arm injury). Unfortunately for Edge, the wheel of misfortune quickly spun back against him in June, and a pectoral tear put him on the shelf for four months of his own... which allowed just enough room for The Undertaker to once again rise to number one contender status. Those seeds of an Edge/'Taker feud have developed quite nicely since their inception just shy of a full calendar year ago, as Edge returned from his injury in November, and immediately made his presence felt as a sniveling, sneaky S.O.B. dead set on derailing The Undertaker's title quest. Since then, Edge has he's repeatedly gotten the best of The Deadman -- managing to be one of the very few men on a WWE roster who can legitimately claim never to have been beaten by this future Hall of Famer. In other words? Wrestling logic 101 says that this uberbaddie is long past due for karma to come around and bite him in the ass.

The Undertaker scored a major win (and a World Title) at last year's event, and were it not for an untimely injury, the guy could have easily powered through the summer months for a nice, long run as World Champion (believe it or not, The Deadman hasn't ever held a world tile in WWE for longer than six months at a stretch). As if the "WrestleMania Streak" wasn't enough momentum, this seems to tilt the odds most heavily in his favor for a WrestleMania win and an extended stint as World Champ to make up for lost time.

MeeThinks: Even though Edgeheads are likely to cry 'till the cows come home, a loss for the World Champ will probably be the best move for all parties involved in the long run, and Undertaker is the perfect foil to put The Rated R Superstar in his place at this year's WrestleMania. For starters, it keeps The Undertaker's streak alive (allowing WWE to play that card again at next year's WrestleMania -- maybe against, John Cena?). And in addition, it gives the Edge character something else to do besides hang his hat on "the guy who always cheats to keep the belt," which could really help him develop some depth and solidify his staying power in the months ahead.

While Edge's title wins and defenses has each come thanks in no small part to all sorts of shenanigans and outside help, the guy has been "cruisin' for a bruisin'" (as the old saying goes) from the moment he made the jump to Smackdown! shortly after WrestleMania of last year. Narrowly dodging title challenges from Kane, Batista, The Undertaker, and Rey Mysterio in each of his feuds since making the switch to the blue brand, Edge is about as popular and successful a heel as Smackdown has ever seen -- but he's also run perilously close to being perceived as a "one note" champion who just can't quite seem to hack it if he's left out there on his own. As such, there's no shame in his luck finally running out to the brand's certifiable Legend-in-Residence at the Grandaddy of them All. Quite literally, Edge has gone as far as he can go without eating a high profile loss. And if dropping the belt to the Deadman is what it takes to keep the Edge character fresh, repurposed, and "hungry" at the top of the Smackdown! title heap, I for one am all for it.

---

Triple Threat Match for the WWE Championship

Top Ten (Other) MeeThings to Do in Orlando

10)Richard Petty Driving Experience - Strap in and step on it.
9) Epcot Segway Tour - Cruise like GOB from Arrested Development!
8) Fantasia Gardens Mini Golf - Holy hell is this course impossible.
7) Discovery Cove - Swim with dolphins! Spend a fortune!
6) SeaWorld - Say "hi" to Shamu for Mee, eh?
5) Gatorland Zoo - Home of AJ and Karen's first date.
4) Tupperware Museum - I've never been, but I hear it's "tops"
3) Behind the Seeds Tour - Best $12 you'll ever spend.
2) Shades of Green Golf - 18 holes of heaven, right there.
1) La Nouba - Pretentious? No doubt. Worthwhile? You betcha.

Randy Orton (c) [1-3] vs. Triple H [5-6] vs. John Cena [4-0]

Why ANYONE is complaining about the participants in this year's main event offering from the red brand is anybody's guess. Granted, the build was a bit truncated from the usual "Rumble winner has two months to plan his WrestleMania challenge" timetable we've grown accustomed to over the past few years. But then again, it has also been LOADS more unpredictable, and certainly just as strong (if not stronger) a home stretch as we've seen from a number of WrestleMania main event builds in recent memory.

Don't believe Mee?

Here's the scoop behind a few recent WrestleMania title matches that were *not* determined exclusively by a typical "Royal Rumble winner challenges for the gold" approach:

WrestleMania 23 - Shawn Michaels challenges for the WWE Title after basically saying "I want a title shot" the night after the Royal Rumble, and then by winning a perfunctory triple threat match on RAW several weeks later.

WrestleMania 22 - Triple H challenges for the WWE Title after winning the "Road to WrestleMania" tournament conducted over several weeks of RAW. From the moment this all-on-free-television tourney is announced, Triple H is pegged as the expected winner.

WrestleMania 22 - Rey Mysterio loses his guaranteed title shot to Randy Orton at No Way Out 2006, but Teddy Long later re-inserts Mysterio back into the title match because he pities Rey Rey... err, I mean... because Orton used the ropes to win.

WrestleMania 20 - Shawn Michaels is inserted into the WrestleMania main event pretty much because he thinks his last match against Triple H ended in a draw, and so he thinks he deserves another shot as much as the next guy.

This year?

Cena's challenging because he never lost the belt to begin with, and because he cashed in his guaranteed title match only to have Orton purposely get himself disqualified in order to duck the challenge. In addition, Cena was the guy to drop the belt to Orton in the first place -- and only because he was stripped of it due to injury.

Triple H is challenging becuase he won a legit number one contender's matchup (in an Elimination Chamber, and on a PAY PER VIEW no less -- which is light years ahead of his cause for challenge at WM 22, or HBK's at WM 20 or 23). In addition, Hunter was the last guy to drop the belt to Orton in the first place.

Orton's chickens are coming home to roost, since he stripped and screwed Cena (thanks to an injury and an intentional DQ), and since he double-crossed Hunter (by buddying up with Vinny Mac at No Mercy to ensure himself a gimme of a title shot after facing an overtired champion). In addition, he's a long-running heel champion (Orton's approaching just shy of six months as champion), AND he has recent beef with not just one but BOTH of his challengers (which was a longshot for Hunter at WM 20, and most certainly wasn't the case for Angle at WM 22).

That leaves us with one pretty darned solid heel champion (Orton is, in fact, the longest-reigning heel champ going into a WrestleMania in three full years), and two challengers -- ALL of whom come with a credible (storyline) reason to fight for the belt, and ALL of whom might just cancel one another out to the point where ANY of them will end up walking out of WrestleMania carrying that very title.

(Yes, even Randy Orton).

Well ok, so maybe Orton's odds of emerging with the strap aren't all that great -- but they are CERTAINLY better in a three-way match up (both in kayfabe terms and in matters of booking logic) than they would have been were he just having a one-on-one contest instead. A WrestleMania main event of Orton vs. Cena? It's Cena by a mile. And a WM main event of Orton vs. Triple H? Nobody in their right mind would bet against The Game in a one-on-one contest like that at this stage in either man's career. But with all THREE of those guys involved, all of the sudden the outcome is totally up in the air. And even if you're sticking with conventional wisdom and betting against the rulebreaker at WrestleMania (not a bad idea), there's still a 50/50 shot that you'll be surprised by the outcome of the contest in spite of yourself.

MeeThinks: This one should be very, very good. And while I fully expect to catch a ton of flack from the diehard fanboys of you-know-who-shall-not-be-named who are almost certain to compare this year's triple threat main event to that of WrestleMania 20 (and really, you can't blame them) -- if we actually sit back and give these guys the chance to shine, we might actually be in for quite a treat. Triple H *always* steps up his game at WrestleMania, and John Cena has yet to deliver a bad match when questing for the WWE championship. Though all three of the guys involved in this contest are prone to their own weaknesses and overexposure (Randy gets bland, Cena gets shoved down your throat, Hunter gets whatever he wants), there is simply no precedent to doubt these men's collective abilities to deliver the goods on the night when the lights shine the brightest... well, at least BEFORE the match even takes place, that is.

If the match is given 20+ minutes and turns out to be a stinker, then please, by all means feel free to chip your teeth and sound of to say "I toldja so." If not, kindly check your cynicism at the door for the next 48 hours and give these three WWE headliners the chance to show us what they can do. My money is on Cena to win it all, but I am most definitely looking forward to this match regardless of the outcome.


And With That, I'm Outta' Here

That'll do it for Mee this week. For those of y'all who'll be joining us in Orlando, safe travels and I can't wait to see y'all in just a few short days. For the rest of you who'll be enjoying the show from the comfort of your own living rooms/local watering holes/pirated cable boxes/etc. -- here's hoping WWE can deliver a good one and break the dreaded "outdoor WrestleMania" curse. I'm out next week (WrestleMania layover in Orlando -- damned extra week of vacation!), but Steve Cook will be in to pick up where we left off and I'll see you in two. 'Till then, have a great weekend, enjoy the show, and always stay positive!

- Meehan

The National Domestic Violence Hotline : [phone]-SAFE.