The Un-Dream Match 03.29.08: The Wrestlemania 24 24 Person Inversion Battle Royal

Posted by Mathew Sforcina on 03.29.2008

Pitting the Worst of the past 24 Years in one match! That'll teach them to ignore Stevie.

Note: The WWE Video Games ES will not be continued this week, in order to do something that's kinda relevant to the show happening tomorrow night. It will be back next week, with pages and pages of how No Mercy is still the best WWE Wrestling Game Ever (and, maybe, the WWE Game that should be put up on XBLA ASAP.) Thank you.

Hello, and welcome to a very special edition of the Un-Dream Match. For those of you just joining us, the basic idea behind The Un-Dream Match is to look back over the vast archives of Professional Wrestling and find those match ups that fulfil all the technical requirements for being a Dream Match, and yet are never thought of as being one, never brought up in Dream Match discussions. A full archive of all the previous editions (and proof that I'm the most constricted guy on site with his gimmick and thus needs these as a release) here for your reading pleasure.

This edition of the Un-Dream Match looks at yet another Dream Match style as yet untested in this column's history. The representative match. Occasionally, someone will think up a Royal Rumble/World War III/Big Ass Match involving everyone who fits a certain criteria. Every WWE Champion in one big match! Every Rumble Winner in a Huge Rumble! Every WCW Cruiser Champ against each other! Every King Of The Ring winner in a KOTR tourney. This concept can be adapted slightly, to feature a representative of a stable, a year, a company, or in this case, an event. With the WWE holding a 24 Man Battle Royal this year to commemorate the 24th Wrestlemania, one might consider, instead of just 24 guys who aren't Stevie Richards, what if the best guy from each WM past was to represent that card in the Battle Royal, what if the star of each show was to fight it out for the honor of ‘Best WM Ever', who would win that?

That is not what we will be discussing here.

After all, the top guy in many cases would be the same man, but more importantly, that's far too easy. A Wrestling Card is not merely decided on it's strengths. It's also decided on it's weaknesses. What if, out of all the matches on each WM, we took the Worst competitor, the least effective, the bottom rung guy, and put them in a match? Surely whoever wins that one will prove that their card was the best, for if their worst is better than everyone else's, that's saying something. So, let us sit down and go through:

The Un-Dream Match Wrestlemania 24 24 Person Inversion Battle Royal!

Introduction:

Now, obviously all the following choices will be somewhat subjective, they are the writer's choice for ‘Worst' competitor. Your mileage may vary. The selection rules are that they must have had an official match on the card proper (No Heat/Dark Matches, no sneak attacks or brawls or referees or managers or anything, they had to have a match on the show. 24/7 Hardcore Title changes count as matches.), and they must be unique, no doubling up. And that they were the lowest rung on the ladder, in some defendable way. Not necessarily in their careers, but on the show in question. And due to the number of entrants, there will be no brief background, I leave it to the reader to show some initiative, some excellent sites to visit would be Online World Of Wrestling and Wikipedia.

Representing Wrestlemania, the man who lost to King Kong Bundy in 9 seconds (cough), Special Delivery Jones!



Representing Wrestlemania 2, the man who lost to Jake ‘The Snake' Roberts' DDT and then foamed at the mouth due to a snake, George Welles!



Representing Wrestlemania III, one of the midgets who due to King Kong Bundy's actions was disqualified, Lord Littlebrook!



Representing Wrestlemania IV, the first man out of the 20 Man Battle Royal at the start of the show, Sam Houston!



Representing Wrestlemania V, a man who lost to the Red Rooster in under a minute, Bobby ‘The Brain' Heenan!



Representing Wrestlemania VI, the man pinned by the Hart Foundation in 19 seconds, Boris Zhukov!



Representing Wrestlemania VII, The Worst Horseman Ever, and the guy pinned by the LOD on this night, Paul Roma!



Representing Wrestlemania VIII, a man Owen Hart rolled up like he was rolling up (insert drug and/or fish and chips reference here), Skinner!



Representing Wrestlemania IX, one of Taker's victims despite losing by DQ, a man who pretty much got beaten without really being beaten, and certainly the worst wrestler in the match, Giant Gonzales!



Representing Wrestlemania X, a man who couldn't last more than a minute against Earthquake despite Harvey Wippleman's guidance, Adam Bomb!



Representing Wrestlemania XI, one of an interchangeable duo who lost to the Allied Powers, Eli (or is it Jacob?) Blu of The Blu Brothers!



Representing Wrestlemania XII, a man who clearly would never amount to anything after being beaten so cleanly by The Ultimate Warrior, Hunter Hearse Helmsley!



Representing Wrestlemania 13, the most hated man on the card not hailing from Canada, the Intercontinental Champion, Rocky Maivia

‘s opponent, The Sultan!



Representing Wrestlemania XIV, the first man out of the 30 man Tag Team Battle Royal, Savio Vega!



Representing Wrestlemania XV, he who got knocked out quicker than you can say "Over his head", Bart Gunn!



Representing Wrestlemania 2000, the woman who lost the only one on one match on the whole card, The Kat!



Representing Wrestlemania X-Seven, a woman who lost her Women's title and was so resoundly squashed, buried, berried and beared that you'd think she'd end up having her own unique saying about it, Ivory!



Representing Wrestlemania X8, yet another woman, this one winning and losing the Hardcore title via the best frypan shot ever and the best door shot ever respectively, Mighty Molly (Holly)!



Representing Wrestlemania XIX, the man who couldn't beat Matt Hardy for the Cruiserweight Title, Rey Mysterio!



Representing Wrestlemania XX, the man who was pinned REALLY quickly by Jamie Noble in the Cruiserweight Open (Akio's status is unclear enough to discredit him), Funaki!



Representing Wrestlemania 21, the man who this year should know better, the loser of the Sumo match, The Big Show!



Representing Wrestlemania 22, the guy who got freaked out by The Boogeyman, and took the pin instead of his wife, Booker T!



Representing Wrestlemania 23, the loser of the Lumberjill Match, Ashley!



And finally, representing Wrestlemania XXIV, one of the participants of the 24 Man Battle Royal, and one of the many guys who do NOT deserve to be there over Stevie Richards, Domino!



Strength:

Note: Normally in these columns, we pick who or which team would have the advantage. But in this match, with so many variables, so many participants, the one winner isn't really useful, so we will take the top three in order in each group.

We can cross most of the guys off the list right off the bat in terms of strength, leaving out the women, and a few of the smaller guys. You then have a few guys with solid arguemtns. Booker T is pretty strong, Sultan's a big guy, Adam Bomb has explosive strength, HHH is, well, HHH, Boris Zhukov was a bear of a man. But two guys stand out as being the top two, Giant Gonzales and Big Show. Gonzales is a giant of a man, and so is Show. Out of the two, you'd have to give the nod to Big Show, he tends to throw people around more than Gonzales. The third in the line would be a bit of a toss up, but The Sultan's raw size makes him hard to throw about, and his strength is acceptable, so he just sneaks into the third spot.

Advantage: Big Show, Giant Gonzales, The Sultan

Speed:

So now we reverse our thinking, and remove all the big guys. And once again, we find two participants up the front, with a bunch of people jockeying for position behind them. At the top of the list, without question, is Rey Mysterio. The guy flies like none other. The only other guy in the match who could maybe keep up with him somewhat would be Funaki, who comes in at number 2. But the third entrant, that's a tough one. Littlebrook could hide. Heenan had a good turn of speed when cornered. Roma could move, as could Vega. But in terms of moving with some speed, it might seem slightly surprising, but I'd actually give the nod to Ivory. Sure, she didn't fly about the ring, and she wasn't a speed based girl, but she could run, and in this match, that's important, especially when most of your competition are big heavy hitters.

Advantage: Rey Mysterio, Funaki, Ivory

Brawling:

Lots of guys with lots of claim to this division. Big Show anf Funaki are former Hardcore champions. Boris was a heavy hitter, as was Adam Bomb. Skinner was a down and dirty fighter, and HHH is, well, HHH. However, Bart Gunn did win the Brawl For All tournament. Sure, he got his ass handed to him by Butterbean. But Butterbean's not in this one. So Gunn gets the top spot here, followed by Big Show with his implement like limbs and then HHH, with his trusty Sledge.

Advantage: Bart Gunn, Big Show, HHH

Stamina:

This one just keeps haunting me. But at least this time, it's fairly cut and dried. HHH wins this, given that he has 2 Iron Man matches to his credit. Next comes Rey Mysterio, who has an extremely long Royal Rumble win to his name. And finally, Booker T, who has some experience at wrestling multiple times on the same night, and that requires some serious stamina.

Advantage: HHH, Rey Mysterio, Booker T

Intangibles:

A midget cannot do well in a Battle Royal. A manager with no clients involved in the match cannot do well in a Battle Royal. While big guys tend to do well in Battle Royals, having two of them cancel each other out, so Big Show and Gonzales are out of the running. And after the big guys are gone, everyone will, logically, go after the big names. You need a mix of not having a huge name but still having some skill. And the name that seems to be best balancing on that point is Savio Vega. Vega's experienced but not a name enough that he would be targeted. The Blu brother comes in second, since if his brother can get to ringside, they can swap as needed. And third, Ivory again makes a shock notch as being the woman best able and willing to distract a man with her charms then take advantage of them.

Advantage: Savio Vega, Eli/Jacob Blu, Ivory

Willingness To Cheat:

Bobby Heenan broke every rule he could, even getting new ones made just so he could break them. He's the guy in this match most likely to lie, cheat, steal, do whatever it takes to survive and maybe, just maybe, win. After him, Skinner seems the one most likely to screw the rules and just brawl, using whatever nasty tricks he has to win. And finally, HHH is, well, HHH.

Advantage: Bobby Heenan, Skinner, HHH.

Who Would Win?

Gonzales and Big Show would have the first epic showdown. Welles and Jones would try and get between them and get tossed. So would Littlebrook, Heenan, Bomb, Skinner, Eli, in fact everyone not called HHH, Mysterio, Booker T or The Sultan, or who has large breasts, which also includes the Sultan. Eventually, the two would lean against the ropes, and everyone else would dump them. The women would all celebrate, turn around, and get clotheslined over by the men, Ivory managing to avoid having her feet touch the floor since Mysterio clotheslined her. The 4 men would brawl, Mysterio getting beat down until Ivory distracts Sultan, using her feminine wiles to lure him to the ropes with promises of kisses, both kinds, until she pulls down the rope, allowing HHH to railroad him out of the ring. Ivory enjoys her handiwork, then gets dropkicked into Sultan by Mysterio. So it's down to HHH, Booker and Mysterio. Rey ducks and weaves, but is caught when Booker gets a sidekick. HHH and Booker work together, wearing Mysterio down, when a stray knee from HHH breaks up the alliance. They brawl, and HHH eventually gets the Pedigree. Booker pops back up again almost immediately, but is woozy, allowing Rey to headscissor him out. So in the end it is HHH and Mysterio. And said end is rather anti-climatic, as HHH goes for a Pedigree, and Rey flips up into powerbomb position, and then hurricanrana him out of the ring, winning the day for himself and Wrestlemania XX. I guess it needs the help more than any other Wrestlemania.

Winner: Rey Mysterio