The Seventh Dimension 04.04.08: Milking the 'Mania

Posted by T.G. Corke on 04.04.2008

I’m surprised they didn’t dub it ‘VESSELmania’! You see, because the set, it…yeah.



I really tried. Honestly, I wanted nothing more than to write about something – anything – other than the ‘safe bet' that was Wrestlemania. However, I just couldn't think of anything. It's probably better this way, though, especially seeing as last week's effort proved a bit controversial without me really expecting it to. Besides, Wrestlemania only comes around once a year, so it's not as if I'll constantly be doing this. Therefore, join me as I am well and truly…



Rather than simply review the show, which has (understandably) been done to death, I'm going to tackle the subject of inevitability. No Way Out, as brilliant as it was in the ring, was painfully obvious as to which way the results were going to go. The Royal Rumble, aside from Cena's dramatic return, was pretty easy to suss as well. Plus, last year's Wrestlemania only had a couple of mild surprises, and neither of those really affected the long-term or even meant that much at the time (Benoit/MVP and New Breed/ECW Originals, for those interested). Although the overuse of ‘swerves' gets very tedious, the occasional use of upsets and twists is essential in keeping fans interested, especially given the old ‘Anything can happen in the WWE' slogan.

Thus, Wrestlemania 24 had a lot to prove. It had to satisfy, and it had to build for the company's future storylines as realistically as possible, but it also had to catch people off-guard so we would remain involved. On the whole, I think the show pulled it off. To explain why, I shall divide each match into three different categories – Match Placement (whereabouts it was on the card), Match Quality (the structure of the match, and of course how good I felt it was), and Match Result (self-explanatory) – and give them each a ‘Predictability Rating' out of ten, before averaging the scores for an overall verdict. If the average comes back as a decimal, it will be rounded up or down to its nearest whole number so I don't look nerdish.


John ‘Bradshaw' Layfield vs. Finlay

Match Placement: Having this match start the show was considered an odd choice by many, but I can't really see why. Yes, this was coming off the back of a big-time story involving Mister McMahon and his soldiers. However, what needs to be remembered is that every prior Vince-based storyline heading into Wrestlemania has always focused on having Vince himself employed in the eventual match. Even last year, when he wasn't actually wrestling, he was a key part in the stipulation. This year, he took a back seat, and therefore all we really had was a feud between Finlay and Bradshaw. Besides, looking at the rest of the card, nearly every match has an argument for being near the main event. Someone had to open, and this match took that honour due to being infinitely more exciting than the ECW squash or the Playboy shite. A good, reasonable choice to start the show.
Predictability Rating: 8/10

Match Quality: In terms of entertainment, this was about as good as I expected from these two. What DID take me by surprise was the way they went about it. I know there was a leprechaun involved, but I still thought this would be more of a huge brawl with a good deal of blood. Instead, it was like a good Attitude Era hardcore match. It actually worked better for it, but I wasn't expecting such a thing.
Predictability Rating: 6/10

Match Result: I think most thought that Finlay would win and earn his redemption, especially with it being first match on the show, but it didn't happen. Bradshaw took it and looked pretty badass in the process, which I'd assume means the angle will continue (with Finlay costing JBL a WWE title match against Randy Orton, judging by Monday's Raw). If it doesn't carry on, this result will seem all the more glaring.
Predictability Rating: 4/10

Overall Predictability: 6/10. It pretty much HAD to be the match that got Wrestlemania off to a good start, which it accomplished but in a different way from what I'd have assumed. Bradshaw's win was also somewhat unforeseen, although too minor to really be that shocked by it. it does seem a shame, though, that so many months of build and teases led to Al Snow '08, but at least it was fun in its own bubble.

Money in the Bank Ladder Match

Match Placement: Before the show started, second match on the card would have been a non-issue. It was second in 2005 and 2006, and FIRST last year. It is, after all, nothing more than a number-one contender match with some awesome spots thrown in for good measure. It was hardly going to follow a major title match. The only reason there was ANY question mark over its position was that it had been immediately preceded by a brawl, and there was a slight worry over burning the crowd out with all the stunts early on. That said, I can't in good conscience knock any points off for that very trivial point.
Predictability Rating: 10/10

Match Quality: Every year, this match is looked upon to provide high-octane madness, and as usual it didn't dissatisfy. This was just non-stop pain and excitement from bell to bell, and it's to their great credit that the seven of them didn't really recycle that many bumps from previous incarnations, at least not completely. Johnny Nitro hit a Moonsault while holding a ladder, which played off a similar spot from his Extreme Rules tag title match on ECW a couple of weeks back. Shelton plummeted through a ladder and (thankfully) broke it, a reminder of Jeff Hardy's groundbreaking moment last year as well as the multitude of times somebody has fallen to the outside through tables. There was also the excellent Superplex/Sunset-Flip ‘Tower of Doom' spot that has really only been seen from turnbuckles and cage walls before now. There were reused bits like the Liontamer on the ladder and the Twist of Fate FROM the ladder – welcome back Matt, by the way – but they hadn't been seen recently. This was as good as I thought it would be, and was just as dangerous as anticipated.
Predictability Rating: 10/10

Match Result: Of the seven in the match, only four had any chance of triumphing – Jericho, Kennedy, MVP, and the eventual winner CM Punk. Of those, I actually had Punk ranked as the least likely contender. Jericho and MVP had the feud going based around the desire to get the briefcase, but they're both already champions and there are signs pointing towards reestablishing those belts. Therefore, although he hadn't been booked that strongly as of late, Kennedy was the favourite in my view simply because he never got his shot with it last year when he won. He may have screwed himself over in the signature scandal later on, but he was just unlucky with the $ITB situation and his ‘injury' that ended up being misdiagnosed. Seeing Punk win did surprise in the end, because he's already been ECW Champion for a good few months recently (yes, Jericho already has three World titles to his name, but he hasn't held one for over six years now), but I guess by that same token he was seen as the most believable challenger for another World title. Still, he WAS one of the original shortlist of possible winners, so it wasn't an absolute heart-stopper.
Predictability Rating: 6/10

Overall Predictability: 9/10. Ending aside, this was pretty much exactly how I imagined it would go down. If the last episode of ‘Friends' had seen Rachel and Ross agree to think it through rather than just get back together outright, it would be similar to this match – the journey was projected, but the destination was distanced slightly further than the map indicated.


Batista vs. Umaga

Match Placement: Much like JBL/Finlay, this match was in a difficult situation as a single piece of the Wrestlemania puzzle. Without as much build as could be expected (I still defend the origins – i.e. "who is better than the other?" – but the follow-up was under-whelming to say the least), and with rumours that the result would end up being debatable so it could be used as a means to bring Umaga over to Smackdown, there wasn't much room for any alternative. This was made all the more easy to understand when Edge and Undertaker ended up closing the show, but even before we got going I would have struggled to justify anywhere else to place this match.
Predictability Rating: 9/10

Match Quality: As it turned out, this was the right place to stick this match, because it sucked. Oh my Lord. The biggest problem was that it wasn't actually ‘bad', so it's difficult to form legitimate grievances. But from what these two have proved to be capable of, and just from the fact that this was taking place at Wrestlemania, ‘not bad' is not good enough. The mark inside me was looking forward to this bout more than any other, and that same part of me feels totally ripped off by what transpired to be little more than seven minutes of uninspired going-through-the-motions exhibition grappling (although credit to Batista for selling the back…I think it was the back, anyway). They even botched the damn finish, which is unacceptable given the lethargy leading to up to it. Besides, a Powerbomb from a man who uses the Powerbomb as his signature move isn't exactly out of his comfort zone, is it? So there is no excuse whatsoever, other than Umaga's weight – which you'd figure would have prevented Batista from even attempting the ‘bomb if this was considered any kind of problem. And speaking of the finish…
Predictability Rating: 3/10

Match Result: I was almost willing to forgive the laziness due to the aforementioned reports suggesting that the match was going to end in some type of schmozz or Dusty finish so as to lead to a greater cause down the road, as it must have been frustrating for Batista and Umaga to be out on the biggest show of the year and not be able to go full-throttle and tell the story that THEY wanted. Instead, they'd presumably be lumped with a run-in or a disqualification or a count-out. So imagine my astonishment when Batista pinned Umaga cleanly. So much for your Smackdown title push, Umaga! To sum it up, WWE basically took a match could have been great and made a good amount of money in the upper-midcard of a smaller show, and pissed it up against the Citrus Bowl. Words absolutely fail me on this one.
Predictability Rating: 4/10

Overall Predictability: 5/10. It was surprising for nearly all the wrong reasons. Seriously, this was on par with some of TNA's biggest cock-ups of ‘can't fail' opportunities. If I found out my non-existent pregnant girlfriend actually had cancer the whole time, I could probably still force a smile. Not so with THIS mess.


**Before I rate Kane vs. Chavo, here is a quick analysis of the prior Battle Royal: we knew it was going on during the pre-show, it was lackluster and bland as expected, and Kane was the only conceivable winner. 10/10 in absolutely every department.**


Kane vs. Chavo Guerrero – ECW Championship

Match Placement: With the four biggest matches still to come, and with this being the ECW title after all, it was never going to be very highly-featured. All things considered, fourth on the card was probably more than could have been forecast.
Predictability Rating: 9/10

Match Quality: The big problem I have with this ‘match' is that it wasn't a match. It was a squash, which is all good and well for television but has no place at Wrestlemania. When the entrances take longer than the action, one wonders what the point of even having it was. At least it was memorable, though. That all being said, I didn't expect such a one-sided affair so it did at least catch me unawares in that respect.
Predictability Rating: 2/10

Match Result: I'll say right away that the way Chavo was treated in this match was incredibly damaging, not just for him but for CM Punk (maybe this is part of the reason they had Punk win the ladder match?) who Chavo had beaten cleanly twice not too long ago. I didn't expect Chavo to lose this match at all, though. Part of the reason was that I expected both of the World titles to switch hands later on, which we'll get to in due course. Kane winning was certainly a decent shock, and I'm certainly pleased for him to be rewarded after all these years of hard grafting. But really, Wrestlemania just wasn't the place to do something like this. Wrestlemania is touted as being ‘The Showcase of the Immortals', not ‘The Showcase of the Jobbers'. And Kane's win didn't solidify him in the first category, so why bother? Ooh, punishment! Get real, guys.
Predictability Rating: 5/10

Overall Predictability: 5/10. As I said, the good news is that people won't forget it in a hurry. The bad news is, it was an embarrassment.


Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair

Match Placement: A lot of people have said that this match should have closed the show, as by the end of it they were emotionally drained and not up for the rest of the show. These people are so very wrong. If the image of Flair leaving the ring crying, having (in kayfabe) been forced to retire had been the note of which Wrestlemania ended, what kind of message would that send? One of the key things WWE likes to say about the show – whether it be true or not – is that it's "where it all begins…again". Do you think that could really be conveyed by the sight of a 59-year-old man trudging up the ramp having failed to beat someone who said he couldn't beat him? No, of course it couldn't. And more to the point, it would have ended the show on a massive down-point and left every one of Flair's fans feeling wretched afterwards. Savage/Warrior was the best match at Wrestlemania VII, and had the retirement stipulation and the after-match angle with Savage reuniting with Elizabeth, yet I hear no arguments stating THAT should have closed the show. The same thing applies to this one, in fact more so because neither Shawn Michaels nor Ric Flair has featured in the main event lately. Slap-bang middle of the card was a perfectly good place to hold this match, and exactly where I thought it should be before the show started. In hindsight, however, I think the WWE Championship match would have profited from going on before this one.
Predictability Rating: 9/10

Match Quality: The term ‘instant classic' isn't one that should be used recklessly, but it was appropriate here. These two would have had to break all of their limbs for this match to have been anything less than brilliant. For all that's said negatively about Flair's run with WWE, he did have some good matches – Foley at Summerslam 2006, Orton at Taboo Tuesday 2004, Triple H at Taboo Tuesday and Survivor Series 2005, and of course TLC against Edge on Raw in early 2006. He had at least one great effort left in him, and Shawn Michaels is always the person to turn to when you want a sure-fire masterpiece. I've seen many rate this as ***** and I've seen many more say the rating's too high. I'm sort of in the middle with that. While in terms of work-rate it was nowhere near five stars – in fact, wrestling-wise it wasn't even match of the night – it had a huge emotional investment and everyone involved managed to rack up the sentimentality several thousand degrees, but without making it seem too contrived. The fact I actually welled up a bit when Flair was begging to be beaten and Michaels hugged him after pinning him, as well as the aftermath with Ric greeting his family and waving humbly to the crowd, is testament to how good this was as a total package. While I'm not sure I expected the match to be AS emotional as it was, I did expect it to be a very good one and to be a fitting send off for the Naitch.
Predictability Rating: 10/10

Match Result: There were quite a few who felt that Ric would win this and retire on his own terms, but that didn't make a lot of sense to me. The entire premise of the requirement that he win all his matches was that he wouldn't walk away by choice, so Vince wanted to make sure he had no margin of error if he wanted to stay. Then, upon challenging Michaels, Flair said that he didn't want to remain in the business anyway should he lose. To do a 180 after winning and say "actually, I think I'll call it a day. I CAN compete, but I just don't want to now", would be insulting as hell. The only way Flair was going to avoid defeat here was if Shawn backstage had demanded Ric defeat him, as Flair was well known to be a big advocate of putting people over during his final run. Besides, it was just so perfect the way it eventually took place that it's difficult to think of anything different now.
Predictability Rating: 9/10

Overall Predictability: 9/10. I mentioned the final episode of ‘Friends' earlier, and I will again, as this match was the exact same as that in principle. It was what most of us had envisioned in our minds, and in many ways was how it HAD to happen. This was a match and a moment that I will never forget.


Bunnymania

Match Placement: It was essential to use this glorified filler as a cooling tool after the frantic rollercoaster that was Flair/Michaels, so no surprises. One good thing about not having the WWE Championship match go before that match was that it meant this crud wouldn't get the chance to stink up the joint between the two World title matches, which had happened the past couple of years running. Truth be told, though, I never really thought about where they'd put this one, so I didn't have much of an opinion on it either way.
Predictability Rating: I'll say 7/10

Match Quality: In all honesty, I wasn't concentrating. From what I can remember, it wasn't any good but nothing was overly offensive either, which is actually a step up from what I gathered would be the case. In terms of my overall investment, this was the polar opposite of Michaels/Flair. How detached was I from this one? Well, I didn't even notice the lights failing halfway through.
Predictability Rating: 4/10 just because it wasn't awful.

Match Result: I didn't even bother making a calculation here, actually. I think I voted for Snoop Dogg on the Roundtable, in fact, just because I couldn't be arsed with this. So no surprise either way, but I didn't predict it either. So…
Predictability Rating: 6/10

Overall Predictability: 6/10. Meh. At least Santino was funny, but I see enough of his antics on Raw. This crap just annoys me, and I've yet to meet or speak to a single wrestling fan who doesn't feel the same way. You want fit birds on the show, that's fine. Just don't have them in matches or, better yet, hire some fucking WRESTLERS since there are plenty of attractive ones out there. Hell, you had Gail Kim AND Shantelle Taylor, and you have Victoria and Mickie James right now. Instead, you hire inexperienced lingerie models and hope they'll mean shit down the road because you're afraid of hiring women you didn't ‘create' yourself. Fuck this.


Randy Orton vs. John Cena vs. Triple H – WWE Championship

Match Placement: For the last four years, Raw has headlined Wrestlemania. In the latter two of those, the title match it presented did not feature the winner of the Royal Rumble, which led many to believe – including myself – that Smackdown was getting the short straw. This year, Raw DID have the Royal Rumble winner, John Cena, competing in its World title match, as well as Triple H who won the main event at the previous month's No Way Out pay-per-view, and Randy Orton who holds the oldest active World title in existence (since the NWA Championship lost its PWI status). If ever there was a time that Raw did not have to make any excuses to close Wrestlemania, this was it. Instead, it goes on before Show/Mayweather. To say I was shocked would be a massive understatement, particularly as I'd read a report just hours beforehand saying that this match WOULD close the show and that was unlikely to change. But this was just one alarm of many…
Predictability Rating: 0/10

Match Quality: This match was always going to be really good, but I have to say I was very surprised at the way it was structured. Instead of having a half-hour to slowly tell a story and build to a gripping climax, they had just a quarter of an hour to have as much fun as they could. It worked, and worked well especially considering how Edge/Undertaker was played out, but it wasn't what I would have expected at all.
Predictability Rating: 3/10

Match Result: And then, we reach the crescendo. All I've read in the last few weeks was how Triple H was reclaiming the belt so he and Cena could feud one-on-one, although this was countered by the popular view that Cena would win instead. Either way, there were very few who were giving Randy Orton even the slimmest chance of retaining. I said in the Roundtable that I'd probably wet my pants if he did, though. Well, he DID retain and who knows? If it had gone on before Flair/Michaels and I wasn't somewhat numb, perhaps I would have leaked my japs-eye dry. A lad named Gary Graham even wrote me an email asking if I had. I guess this means I'm not a man of my word, so I don't really know how to feel. On one hand, I lack integrity…but on the other, I didn't piss myself. It's a Catch 22, really. Oh, and Cena was the one who took the pin. Do you realise that this is the first clean loss than Cena has taken on pay-per-view since Edge cashed in his title shot at New Year's Revolution 2006? Yeah, it was overdue, and Orton deserved the honour. His title reign is well and truly solidified, now. Good for him.
Predictability Rating: 0/10

Overall Predictability: 1/10. For one last time, I'll revisit the ‘Friends' finale. Now, imagine if instead of what actually happened in that episode, it was only half as long as expected, it went on an hour earlier than usual, it had a much faster pace, and it ended with Paul Rudd's character Mike entering Monica's flat and slaughtering every main character with a bow and arrow. That would have been roughly 8% as startling as Orton winning the triple-threat was.


Floyd Mayweather vs. Big Show

Match Placement: I wasn't overly stunned to see this as the semi-main event, since it got so much publicity and Trump/McMahon was also in-between the two World title matches this year (albeit with two other matches). What I certainly didn't envisage was that it would come after the WWE Championship match, although given the result of that one it makes more sense now than it would have done before. There had also been the odd rumour that it would actually close the show which, luckily, wasn't the case. It might have been acceptable for Bam Bam Bigelow and Lawrence Taylor to end Wrestlemania XI, but there was only one WWE World title back in those days. Having this match considered more important than BOTH World title matches would have been pretty galling. I think they got the placing about right, myself.
Predictability Rating: 7/10

Match Quality: The triple-threat surprised me because it wasn't the type of match I thought they'd work, while Batista/Umaga left me cold because it was a complete disappointment. With this match, we got something of a trilogy, as I expected this to be competent at best but it ended up being pleasurable as hell. I was delighted to see that Floyd, for all the criticism he's received, went out there and really earned his fee. He allowed Big Show to do some pretty risky shit, like walking on him and stamping on his arm. It really became hugely enjoyable to watch Big Show basically decimate Floyd and his entourage and make them look silly. I couldn't have asked for more, and this was a great surprise.
Predictability Rating: 5/10

Match Result: Part of the reason I loved Big Show's utter dominance was that there was no way on earth he was coming away with the win. Some have actually said that they wished Show would have gone over here, as it would cement his status as a big star. I'm sorry, but that is utter bullshit and completely unrealistic. To put things into perspective, Big Show is a professional wrestler. His job is to play-act and entertain the fans, and he's still highly popular despite hundreds of losses and degrading storylines to his name. Floyd Mayweather, on the other hand, is a boxer. His job is to punch people while trying not to get punched, and he's one of pay-per-view's biggest darlings because he's undefeated. We all know that wrestling is planned, but it's treated by those who do it as being real, so did you REALLY think Floyd would ever have agreed to work with WWE in the first place if there was any chance that his credibility would end up being damaged for the sake of a worked fight? It was never even in doubt that Floyd would win this, but what WAS surprising was how he basically screwed Big Show by hitting him with the chair and then the right hand with Brass Knux (the same right hand that would KO most opponents bare, mind you), and even then Big Show nearly rose to his feet. Big Show DID look like a badass, but most importantly neither of them was damaged in any way.
Predictability Rating: 10/10

Overall Predictability: 7/10. The result wasn't in question, but the enthusiasm and professionalism shown by Floyd Mayweather contributed to a match that far exceeded my expectations.


Undertaker vs. Edge – World Heavyweight Championship

Match Placement: As I said in my summing up of the WWE Championship match, I would never have imagined that Smackdown's World title match would close the show after two years of being snubbed when it had the Royal Rumble winner in its court. However, it got the nod this year which has to be good news for the balance between the two main brands. Yes, The Undertaker was involved and looking for another World title. And yes, Orton was retaining his title so they obviously wanted to end on a high. But still, they ran that risk the last two years with Cena retaining when it was obvious that many in the audience wanted him to lose, so they could easily have done the same thing again. Instead, they put their faith in Smackdown to steal the show (which was all the more chancy since Jonathan Coachman was on commentary…thankfully, he got his act together and was perfectly acceptable, which is a good job as Michael Cole was almost insufferable). This is also good news for the World Heavyweight Championship because, ironically, I wrote about it last week and mentioned how it hadn't quite reached the same heights that it had during its time on Raw. Two days later, it was headlining Wrestlemania. I must be some sort of deity.
Predictability Rating: 0/10

Match Quality: Remember I said that, as far as objective in-ring standard was concerned, Michaels/Flair was not the best match of the night? Well, THIS was the match that trumped it, in my opinion. It was awesome. Counter after counter, nearfall after nearfall…they even managed to have a referee bump and interference that didn't totally destroy everything in sight and seemed like it could plausibly happen. After a while, the no-selling of finishers did start to grate a bit, but it wasn't enough to override the excellent work beforehand. I thought they were qualified to produce something great, but I didn't think they'd achieve this caliber of brilliance. That's why I gave it 9/10 for predictability instead of 10/10 – because it surpassed what I thought it would accomplish. As it turned out, this was the perfect way to end the show.
Predictability Rating: 9/10

Match Result: I don't think there was even an inkling of doubt that Undertaker was going to win before they got started – especially with it closing the show as it did – but the match must be commended for instilling a significant amount of uncertainty during the match. I could have sworn at times that Edge was going to pull it off, and Undertaker can certainly be praised for making Edge look like a star in this one. It's strange that Edge's two most impressive performances as a World champion – here at Wrestlemania, and in TLC against Cena – were both losing efforts. Although he did resort to trying to cheat after the referee had been knocked down inadvertently, it wasn't until after he'd already matched up to ‘Taker for some time and was just getting frustrated. And he never asked the Edgeheads to come down and help him, either. He came to the ring by himself. Yes, this truly was a breakthrough performance from the heel character of Edge. In the end, though, the right man won as we knew he would.
Predictability Rating: 10/10

Overall Predictability: 6/10. It ended the show on a high when I never would have thought in a million years that it would go on last, was better than I thought it would be and was won by the odds-on favourite.


Final Wrestlemania predictability percentage score: 64% (when including the pre-show battle royal)


So, what's the upshot of all this? Well, sometimes it's good to be surprised by something, and other times it isn't. Some surprises are deliberate, and some are unintentional. We all knew this really, though. But look, at just under two thirds conventional what Wrestlemania managed to show was that the WWE is still more than capable of tricking us. And that's got to be a good thing, if our collective egos will perceive it as such.

Bye.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX