The Wrestling News Experience: 04.07.08

Posted by Stephen Randle on 04.07.2008

Spring has sprung, and we've got houses full of steroids, PPV's full of name changes, and JR's colon full of...you know what, I'll stop there. Plus, a Raw preview, and I actually take a stand against something Canadian!

Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I am Stephen Randle, and I'm one exam away from graduation. Again. I'm hoping that if you get enough degrees, someone just hands you a million dollars. And how do you signify a double degree of the same type, anyway? BA, BA? BAx2? However it goes, soon it will be mine and I get to…get a real job. This time for real!

But never fear, my readers, I'm not quite done with this place yet. After all, you can't stay young, but thanks to pro wrestling, you can stay immature.

By the way, someone tell Daniel Alfredsson to keep his head up. And look up the definition of karma. Oh, wait, too late. Never mind.

Moving on.

What's On Tap - WWE Raw for April 7th

After fighting off Triple H, John Cena, and Matt Hardy in the last week alone, Randy Orton continues to be a target, with the Wall Street Cowboy, JBL, on the hunt for a title shot of his own. Plus, after the events of WrestleMania, you can be pretty sure that neither Cena nor Triple H will take their defeat lying down. With hazards at every turn for the Legend Killer, can he continue to fight off all comers?

Plus, Shawn Michaels continues to try to shake off his emotional defeat of Ric Flair, Santino Marella's mouth may have once again written a check his ass can't cash in respect to the WWE Divas, and don't look now, but there's stirrings of an active tag division on the horizon.

All this, plus maybe some new feuds for Backlash, and possibly an announcement of the upcoming Draft Lottery, tonight on Raw!

Around The Horn

Late breaking news, as Fox News in Atlanta is running a story stating that a man, after purchasing the home of a not-yet-named WWE wrestler, discovered a stash of steroids and growth hormones, as well as a copy of their current contract. I expect the name will be released about five minutes after I post this report, because that's when all the big stories happen, but would I be out of line to suggest that this probably going to end up not being actual news? I'm pretty sure you can't get suspended just because someone found steroids in your old house, you have to fail a drug test. Of course, I imagine that the next "random" drug test is going to include this wrestler, but until then, let's move on.

According to a schedule listing somewhere, WWE Vengeance is only being referred to as "Night of Champions". Again, is this news? I'm sure it's just someone forgetting to include the Vengeance name in some advertising. Plus, Night of Champions is last year's subtitle for the Vengeance show, something they've announced that will be repeated this year. Now, if they'd renamed the show to "WWE Let's All Forget This Is The One Year Anniversary of Chris Benoit", then it might be news.

Kane has officially been moved to the ECW Superstars listing on WWE.com! Nit-pickers, cease your endless bitching!

Raw announcer Jim Ross spent a brief time at the hospital this weekend, dealing with colon issues, probably related to problems he had a few years back, when they actually went so far as to "retire" JR and hired Joey Styles as his replacement. Man, they've really toned down the over-reactions around JR lately. First his contract nearly expired without a fuss, and now this. It's like they've run out of ways to humiliate him on TV or something.

In some very good news, Panda Energy has announced that TNA will make a profit and could even become self-sustaining in 2008, which is great for the future of the company. In less good news, Kurt Angle gave another trademark interview in the past week, where he claimed that he'd be fighting Randy Couture in the near future, that TNA would soon overtake CSI reruns as the highest rated programs on Spike TV, and that at some point he plans to rip out Vince McMahon's heart and eat it raw, with a light chardonnay.

I'm sorry, I've just received a bulletin from the 411 legal department. Oh, I see. All right, then. In the previous news items, some of Kurt's statements may have been embellished for comedic effect. For example, he never did specify the type of wine he would serve when he ripped out Vince's heart and ate it.

I'm late to the party on this, but apparently roughly 40 people suffered injuries after a fireworks mishap at the end of WrestleMania last week. Fortunately, all of the injuries are reportedly minor, and obviously this is more the pyro company's fault than WWE's, but of course some places have jumped all over this in an attempt to toss some bad publicity into the mix following an incredibly successful WrestleMania weekend. I figure WWE will probably send each person an apology and maybe some free tickets, and it'll all be forgotten by yesterday. Or maybe Vince will go on TV and threaten to choke a talk show host when he asks questions about the incident. Either's good for me.

And before I leave this segment, former WWE Superstar Chyna underwent some plastic surgery this past week. I'll leave it to your imagination what kind of surgery it was. Remember, I'm not responsible for your own mental images.

In Case You Missed It

WWE Raw - March 31st

Match Results

- The returning Cryme Tyme defeated Cade and Murdoch (JTG pinned Murdoch, roll-up)
- London and Kendrick defeated Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes (Kendrick pinned Rhodes, roll-up)
- Chris Jericho defeated CM Punk (pinfall, Codebreaker)
- Randy Orton defeated Matt Hardy (pinfall, RKO)
- Maria defeated Santino Marella (pinfall, headbutt to groin following massive Diva-ference)

Notes

- A huge farewell ceremony for Ric Flair ended the show. Go ahead, everyone tear up again in remembrance. I know you want to. I'll wait.

- JBL demanded a shot at the WWE Championship from Randy Orton. Orton was not forthcoming. Matt Hardy attacked Orton in revenge for kicking him where his appendix used to be, but failed to beat Orton in the resulting match. Matt should really stop trying to get revenge on people, it never goes well for him.

- The Big Show appears to be retaining face heat, and had a staredown with The Great Khali. Khali backed off.

ECW on Sci Fi - April 1st

Match Results

- Mike Knox w/Handlebar Moustache of Awesome defeated Stevie Richards (pinfall, corkscrew neckbreaker)
- The Big Show reluctantly defeated Colin Delaney (KO, sleeper hold)
- CM Punk and Kane defeated Shelton Benjamin and Chavo Guerrero (Punk pinned Shelton, Go2Sleep)

Notes

- Armando (ne Alejandro) Estrada offered Colin Delaney a WWE contract in April Fool's joke. Doesn't he know April Fool's Day ends at noon?

TNA Impact! - April 3rd

Match Results

- LAX and The Motor City Machine Guns defeated The Rock ‘n' Rave Infection, Black Reign, and Rellik (Hernandez pinned Rave, Border Toss)
- Tomko and AJ Styles vs Christian Cage and Rhino went to a No Contest when Team 3-D and Kevin Nash interfered
- Shark Boy defeated Elix Skipper to earn a spot in the Xscape Match (pinfall, Chummer)
- Traci Brooks defeated Peyton Banks (pinfall, facebuster)
- Sting defeated James Storm (pinfall, Scorpion Death Drop following baseball bat to the head)

Notes

- Kaz and Super Eric saved LAX and the Machine Guns from a post-match beatdown. Remember when Kaz was getting put over by Christian and Kurt Angle?

- Scott Steiner announced that he will cash his TNA World Title shot at the Sacrifice PPV.

- A "Queen of the Cage" match was announced for Lockdown, involving Reverse Battle Royal rules, only with a cage and all the TNA Knockouts except Awesome Kong, Riesha Saieed, Gail Kim, and ODB, with the first two Knockouts to climb into the cage facing off in a match. I smell an early contender for Worst Match of 2008!

- Matt Morgan was revealed as the final member of Team Cage.

WWE Smackdown - April 4th

Match Results

- Matt Hardy defeated MVP in a non-title match (pinfall, Twist of Fate)
- Festus defeated Zach Ryder (pinfall, Flapjack Slam)
- The debuting Vladimir Kozlov defeated Matt Bentley (pinfall, Shock Treatment)
- The Miz and John Morrison defeated Jimmy Wang Yang and Shannon Moore (Morrison pinned Moore, Clever Doors Reference Neckbreaker)
- Kane vs The Undertaker went to a No Contest when Edge, Chavo, Ryder, and Hawkins interfered

Notes

- Edge vs The Undertaker and Kane vs Chavo Guerrero for their respective titles was announced for Backlash.

- Festus vs The Undertaker was announced for this week's Smackdown, in punishment for Festus defeating Zach Ryder.

- Batista angrily confronted Shawn Michaels about his defeat and subsequent retirement of Ric Flair.

- The Great Khali attacked Morrison, Miz, Yang, and Moore after their match. The Big Show came in and had another staredown with Khali. Khali backed off again.

- Michelle McCool was announced as the winner of the Smackdown Diva Contest. An unnamed woman (played by Nattie Neidhart) attacked Michelle after the announcement.

The Injury Bug Bites

Inactive List as of 03.31.08

Pepo suggested I should put people in order by date, because it seemed like they were placed at random, and I almost did that, and then I remembered: they're in alphabetical order. It was more clear when I did WWE all as a single brand, though.

WWE Raw

- Candice Michelle, out indefinitely as of March 24th (shoulder surgery)
- Jeff Hardy, out 60 days as of March 4th (Wellness suspension)
- Robbie McAllister, out indefinitely as of March 29th (sent home)
- Rory McAllister, out indefinitely as of February 12th (torn pectoral)

WWE Smackdown

- Gregory Helms, out one year as of May 17th, 2007 (neck surgery)
- Kenny Dykstra, out indefinitely as of January 18th (knee)
- Rey Mysterio, out 6-9 months (or maybe weeks) as of February 21 (torn bicep)
- Torrie Wilson, out indefinitely as of December 1st (back)

ECW

- The Boogeyman, out indefinitely (calf)

TNA

- Abyss, out indefinitely (kayfabe)

Transactions

- Cryme Tyme, RAW, made return to WWE on March 31st Raw

Somebody call Ripley's, there's a bunch of tag teams in WWE again.

- Nattie Neidhart, SD!, made WWE debut on April 4th Smackdown

No ring name given yet, but I'm going to guess she got her looks from her mother.

- Vladimir Kozlov, SD!, made WWE in-ring debut on April 4th Smackdown

Didn't he play wing for Detroit back in the 90's?

Who's Holding Gold

Damn, no PPVs or title changes this week. That doesn't actually happen often. I wonder, should I just change the TNA World Title to Joe already? I sincerely doubt they're going to have him "quit" after Lockdown.

WWE

WWE Champion: Randy Orton
- 183 day reign, defeated Triple H in a Last Man Standing match on October 7th (No Mercy PPV)

World Heavyweight Champion: The Undertaker
- 8 day reign, defeated Edge on March 30th (WrestleMania 24)
- Next title defense: vs Edge, Backlash PPV

ECW Champion: Kane
- 8 day reign, defeated Chavo Guerrero on March 30th (WrestleMania 24)
- Next title defense: vs Chavo Guerrero, Backlash PPV

WWE Intercontinental Champion: Chris Jericho
- 28 day reign, defeated Jeff Hardy on March 10th (Raw)

WWE United States Champion: MVP
- 323 day reign, defeated Chris Benoit in a 2/3 Falls match on May 20th (Judgment Day PPV)

World Tag Team Champions: Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly
- 120 day title reign, defeated Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch on December 10th (Raw XV special)

WWE Tag Team Champions: John Morrison and The Miz
- 142 day reign, defeated MVP and Matt Hardy on November 16th (Smackdown)

WWE Women's Champion: Beth Phoenix
- 183 day reign, defeated Candice Michelle on October 7th (No Mercy PPV)

TNA

TNA Heavyweight Champion: Kurt Angle
- 165 day reign, defeated Sting on October 25th (Impact)
- Next title defense: vs Samoa Joe, Lockdown PPV

TNA Tag Team Champions: AJ Styles and Tomko
- 176 day reign, defeated Team Pacman on October 14th (Bound For Glory PPV)

TNA X-Division Champion: "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal
- 57 day reign, defeated Johnny Devine in a Hardcore Street Fight match on February 10th (Against All Odds PPV), also involving Team 3-D and the Motor City Machine Guns
- Next title defense: vs Curry Man, Sonjay Dutt, Johnny Devine, Shark Boy, and one other, Xscape Match, Lockdown PPV

TNA Knockouts Champion: Awesome Kong
- 88 day reign, defeated Gail Kim on January 10th (Impact)

Links For Fun And Nonprofit

Aw, man, we hired people again. Now I have to learn a whole bunch of new names. At least we got another Andy Clark, so I'm already ahead of the game.

Byers and Prag have the weekend news reports.

From the glowing box, Slimmer has Heat, Borchardt and Michael O have Smackdown, and Larry has Impact.

Bond has Please Don't Hate.

Minotti has Can They Be Champ?

Chin has The Importance Of…

Short has The Navigation Log.

Ari has Column of Honor.

Traverson has Are We Having Fun Yet?

Hubbard has The Wrestling (Hub)Bard.

And Corke has The Seventh Dimension and TOO MANY PUNS!

The Gab Bag

Lots of love for the Nature Boy in the mailbag this week, as there should be. I should note that you, the 411 readers made last Monday the second-highest level of traffic in the history of the website. We'd play a guessing game as to the overall highest traffic day, but the answer's real depressing, and I'd rather focus on the positives. Namely, me. After all, my news report is the headliner for Mondays, dare I say, the main event, and the person in the main event gets all the credit for higher ratings. And, of course, if the ratings are low, I get to blame my opponent.

And good news, the Bret Hart autobiography is available in the United States, notably through Highspots, but probably other online sites as well. I'm still running on the initial announcement where it wasn't. Either way, do everything in your power to buy this book. Except invading Canada. We wouldn't like that, and if the War of 1812 taught us anything, it really wouldn't accomplish anything in the end.

It disturbs me that I really have been here long enough to have earned the rights to the phrase "VINTAGE RANDLE". Speaking of which, Dunn had an excellent explanation of how Cole and Coach's cliché-riddled commentary can ruin a match in his WrestleMania Breakdown. I'm not saying JR doesn't use a bunch of cliché's each Raw, but the trick is, usually he only does each one once a show, not multiple times in the same damned match.

Also, McLovin makes an excellent point: we still haven't figured out exactly why Vince's family set up the whole "illegitimate son" thing, or what the deal between Vince and Finlay was. I mean, obviously, Vince has done lots of things to deserve humiliation, but it's not quite wrestling without someone coming out to spend ten minutes discussing their evil plan, how they put it into action, why they did it, and how successful it was. Although, after all this time, at least Triple H no longer has to explain his elaborate plan of "hit them with the sledgehammer".

And One To Go On

411 will have live coverage of Raw tonight starting at 9 pm EDT, or 12 pm for those of us in Canada, due to stupid March Madness.

Excuse me?

You heard me, Larry. Basketball is a silly game.

I should have expected that, you Canadian. You should show some more pride in basketball, you know. After all, you invented it.

That's true, a Canadian invented basketball.

Yes, and go figure, a pansy game where you're not allowed to even touch a player on the wrist when he's shooting, or knock anyone down and take the ball, and it was invented by a Canadian.

Of course it's a pansy game. That's why we gave it to the United States and started playing hockey instead.

Listen, Randle…

Here, I'll tell you what. You come at me with a basketball, and I'll come at you with a hockey stick and those hard plastic elbow pads everyone's so fond of, and we'll see who wins.

All right then…

And you can't freeze the basketball.

Curses! All right, Randle, you win this round.

And I'm winning my NCAA brackets too. Go figure, picking all the #1's was a good move. Didn't see that coming. Larry will be in tomorrow, I'll be back next week.

Have a good one, and always be a fan.