The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 04.10.08
Posted by Jeff Small on 04.10.2008
It's a Small World After All!!!
I can't believe I've been writing for over 2 years and never used that teaser.
Feedback from last week's report was overwhelming positive mainly due to JT's Reggaeton look. I thought more people would have commented on Small's wacky adventures but at least no one bashed it. Huzzah!!!
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
Keep waiting….
Yes, yes….
WHAMMY!!!!!!!
Test, Test, this is a sobriety test.
If that does not win Fuckup of the Year, I will be a sad panda. Seriously, I'm not sure if there's anything funnier than Andrew "Test" Martin getting arrested at 10:30AM for DUI. Now, I know there's nothing inherently funny about a DUI, it could not have happened to a nicer asshole.
Small's Advice to the Stars: If you are a "celebrity" and are still driving, shame on you. You make a crapload of money*. Use it and hire a driver. Duh.
Anyway, in today's report, we take a look at a deceased wrestler's Verizon bill, discuss the WWE's latest effort at gaining viewers, and most importantly, discuss the remainder of my trip to Wrestlemania.
NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS
IDK My BFF Benoit
Last week, I read a quick blurb from the Wrestling Observer in regards to certain superstars text messaging Chris Benoit after he died. I wanted to use this story last week but there was no information available at that time. Luckily, one week later, the Observer uncovered these text messages and more. Read below:
Benoit wasn't much for text messaging. He would write short text messages, and wouldn't use the method of communicating to open up to friends.
He did keep in touch with Chris Jericho, Gregory Helms, Scott James (Armstong), Chavo Guerrero, Bill DeMott, Hardcore Holly, CM Punk and Shawn Daivari.
On 5/9, Nancy texted Benoit, "Get off the crap, you're on (steroids), it's making you passive aggressive and I don't need the abuse." She also wrote, "I will not accept this steroid induced roller coaster ride of emotional abuse… You need professional (help)."
On another day, Nancy texted, "Get off the stuff. It's obvious (you're on). I'm probably not the only one who can see and we both know the Wellness program is a joke."
In one of Benoit's last matches, Chris teamed with Punk against Marcus Cor Von and Elijah Burke, which ended getting screwed up and ending with a DQ finish. Benoit went off for the finish, but later apologized for his outburst. Punk texted him, "I'm sorry as well. We are better than that. Never again."
Investigators were weirded out that after killing his family, Benoit called Delta Airlines to book a flight to Houston for the WWE PPV.
During the weekend in question, Jericho text messaged Benoit to tell him that former Stampede wrestler Beef Wellington had died. There is no indication that Benoit received the message before his own death.
Clearly, after reading these messages, it's all CM Punk's fault.
I'm not sure about you all, but reading these messages is quite unsettling. As we are all aware, he was not in the right frame of mind during his final weekend. Nothing shows this more than booking a flight after murdering his family. I would go as far as to say Benoit was certifiably insane at that point.
Even though we are almost one year removed from the tragedy, I still find it terribly difficult to write about it. Sure I make jokes about it but that's only to divert from actually discussing it. Now, with these text messages, which show Nancy's building frustration with her husband, it doesn't make it any easier.
Ok, let's move onto some lighter topics.
Smackdown Preview
Taken from Meltzer himself: Much of Smackdown is built around backstage skits with Edge and Vickie Guerrero getting facials and massages and building to Edge nailing her.
Ah, there we go!
Triple H is Evil Part 518
According to the Wrestling Observer, "With the 2008 WWE Draft Lottery approaching, head SmackDown! writer Michael Hayes is looking to move Triple H over to the SmackDown! brand. Hayes wants Triple H to work as a heel in a main event program against The Undertaker.
There are not many within WWE that expect Triple H to make the jump. There is still a stigma that SmackDown! is the "B" brand and Triple H has been against moving to Smackdown! in the past.
Triple H does want to turn heel, but he's looking for a title run on Raw.
I must admit when Triple H was originally drafted to Smackdown during the first Draft Lottery, I nearly shit a brick. At that time it made for Triple H to move to Smackdown. He just spent over a year at the top of the Raw roster and finally suffered a title loss. He accomplished everything on Raw and would have done wonders feuding with Eddie Guerrero. Of course, that was all moot point when he was traded back to Raw for Booker T, the Dudleyz, and seven wrestlers that were named later.
Now, I don't think it makes much sense to move Triple H to Smackdown. Triple H still has not finished his feud with Randy Orton over the WWE Championship. Throw in a possible feuds with John Cena and JBL and Triple H still has work to do on the Raw Roster. On Smackdown, he would immediately kill Edge's momentum (if he comes in as a heel) and outside of the Undertaker and the Big Show, the Smackdown scene does not have many superstars on Triple H's level.
The Problem With Knox
By now, you have all heard about the possibility of Mike Knox's secret steroid stash being found by Atlanta police. CSONKA went into much depth on the entire story from the local man finding the stash, the severe disappointment of Mike Knox being the "guilty perpetrator", the possible ramifications of the findings, and lastly, the fact that Mike Knox was not living alone.
While I've been a sucker in the past (I did believe that OJ was innocent), for some reason, I think Knox might actually be innocent. First, as Sullivan mentioned, how stupid could Knox really be for leaving his secret stash behind? Shouldn't illegal supplements be the first thing you pack after your undies? If it truly is his stash, then I hope people not only deride him for being a roid head, but also a mentally retarded roid head.
Second, the fact that Knox had two former sports entertainers who lived with him should not be ignored. Derrick Neikirk was fired due to his drug use. How many WWE superstars have been fired due to Wellness? Off the top of my head, I can't think of any. Most are suspended and then released a few months later during massive spring cleanings (like Eugene!).
Lastly, Knox has proclaimed his innocence to the WWE. As we have learned with the Roger Clemens steroid investigations, the public forgives those who publicly come clean and ask for forgiveness. No one cares about Jason Giambi's or Andy Pettite's steroid use. Yet, Clemens will be burned to the Wicker Man stake because he's a douchebag who's afraid of telling the truth. The media loves forgiveness. If Knox was smart enough, he should have manned up, told the truth, got fired, and rejoin the company in six months. Then again, Knox was the fucking idiot who left his stash where it could have been found.
Small's Guide to Spring Cleaning
Speaking of spring cleaning, I might as well guess who's going to be fired this year. Of course, spring cleaning would not be complete without your host,
Danny Tanner
This year's list of firings include: Charlie Haas (for the 3rd time!), Drew McIntrye, Paul Burchill, Robbie McAllister (he's fired), Super Crazy, Domino, Kenny Dykstra, Shannon Moore, and the Boogeyman. Throw in five FCW superstars and I think that's an accurate representation of what might happen.
Agree/disagree? Comment below.
Quick N Dirty News
From all the usual sources:
There was a billboard in download Orlando that featured John Cena, Triple H and Randy Orton bare-chested, and none had nipples. There is a city ordinance banning nipples on billboards.
Kudos to the man who was severely disappointed with the lack of Orton's man nipples. Thanks JP!
The Paul Burchill & "sister" Katie Lea incest angle may be getting dropped due to WWE's new initiative to specifically target 6-10 year olds. The duo haven't done a segment together on Raw since the 2/25 show.
As stated above, I would not be surprised if Burchill did not make it through the next roster cut. The man cannot connect with the crowd as a heel and I don't think this character change did him any favors. It's sad when his best gimmick was as a pirate.
A man went into a seizure at a Mickie James-Torrie Wilson autograph session. A certified responder took charge. The responder later noted that James was of great assistance in attending to the man, and seemed quite concerned about his well being.
Seeing as how the WWE loves using real life situations into their storylines, this one should be right up their alley. May I suggest Hacksaw Jim Duggan as Mickie James's love interest! Or perhaps this new WWE superstar…
"Fatcat" Chris Harris!
NEWS FROM O-TOWN
Who is he kidding?
According to the Wrestling Observer, "TNA writer Vince Russo is currently penning a book which picks up where his last book left off, which is when he made the decision to leave WWE in October of 1999. The book will cover his decision to leave WWE, the entire WCW ordeal, and continue through his present day role in writing television for TNA. The book will be titled How WCW Killed Vince Russo. Russo will be going into great detail in regards to the Bash at the Beach incident that led to a lawsuit being filed against him by wrestling legend Hulk Hogan. Russo will also be writing about his numerous creative battles in WCW. The book is expected to be released at the end of the year or early 2009."
In typical Russo fashion, there will be a swerve mid-way through the book that will lead to a shoot filled conclusion. Also, the book is only eleven pages long. Viva la car crash!
Quick N Dirty TNA News
From the usual sources…
"Neither Jonny Fairlay or Joel Anderson from "Surivor" have signed TNA contracts, but both are expected to do so."
Why?
"Mixed Martial Arts star Frank Trigg has been asked introduce Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle at TNA's upcoming Lockdown PPV. Several reports have indicated that TNA is looking to sign Trigg and use him as a commentator."
It sure couldn't beat Mike Tenay or Don West. It's hard to make the Coach and Michael Cole sound good, but TNA's team takes the cake.
"TNA Wrestling has joined the fight against autism. The company will be donating a portion of their April merchandise sales from ShopTNA.com to help fund autism research."
Kudos to TNA for helping out in a great cause.
Lockdown Preview
Seeing as how there's a very high chance that I will be attending Sunday's Lockdown PPV (thanks to Midway Games), I might as well preview the show. Of course, if I open next week's report with JP Hates Me Part Deux , you will know he ditched me once again.
MIXED TAG TEAM MATCH
Booker T & Sharmell vs. Robert Roode & Payton Banks
FORMER PARTNERS COLLIDE
BG James vs. Kip James
WOMENS TAG TEAM MATCH
Awesome Kong & Raisha Saeed vs. Gail Kim & ODB
QUEEN OF THE CAGE
Angelina Love vs. Velvet Sky vs. Salinas vs. Rhaka Khan vs. Traci Brooks vs. Christy Hemme vs. Jacqueline vs. Roxxi Laveaux
Overall, this is the best looking TNA card in quite a while. Of course, there are a couple of stinkers on the card (the New Age Outlaws breakup wasn't good nine years ago), but hopefully, those will be kept short. While I can't believe this is actually part V of the Samoa Joe/Kurt Angle feud, the buildup to this confrontation has been the best. Refreshingly, there has been no silly love story to hype the match; rather, it's been a very simple and successful storyline: the fight to be the best. I'm very optimistic that the match will be very good.
As for the undercard, I have a feeling that the Lethal Lockdown match will revolve around Matt Morgan's unveiling as a legitimate upper mid-carder, the Xscape match would be a good opener for the show, a nipple slip in either women's match, and most importantly, the return of the unstoppable Billy Gunn push!!!
SMALL'S TRIP TO WRESTLEMANIA PART TWO!!!
First, a quick recap:
Thanks to his mentally retarded friend Kegger, Small had too much fun at a gay bar
Small raped Disney over a 12 hour period (four parks, 13 rides, and one cheap admission!)
the J's are not only homosexuals but tardy homosexuals
the 411 Staff party was a lot of fun (especially since I didn't pick up the tab)
And now Part TOO!!!
After the super secret 411 Staff Party at Margaritaville, JT joined myself, John, and Kegger at the NBA Restaurant to continue our booze fest. Where did JP go? Well, he decided to go roaming around Universal's City Walk looking for Hidden Highlights. After a few more beers, JT left to find his buddy leaving the rest of us to mourn Texas's loss in the NCAA tournament (thanks UCLA!).
After the Texas debacle, the three of us went back to Margaritaville to continue building our buzz. After a few drinks (a margarita, a beer, and my personal favorite, a white Russian), it was time to go to Wrestlemania. As those who read my "Instant Access" text messaging, I was quite hammered to start the show. In fact, I picked a good fight with this five year old sitting behind me. The little bitch was wearing a John Cena shirt and was rooting for Kofi Kingston to win the ECW Battle Royal. Of course, I had to let him know that Kofi had no chance in winning since he is a minority. Then I laughed in his face when Kofi was eliminated. Man, I rule!
As for the show itself, I wasn't blown away yet I still thought it was a solid show. Live, the Citrus Bowl made for a wonderful atmosphere. The amount of pyro was amazing throughout the night. While StuffWhitePeopleLike has yet to include this, I must say most white people love fireworks. Hence, I loved the show. Sadly, there was one section that was not fans of the fireworks; serves those who bought the cheap seats right! For those going to Wrestlemania 25, pony up people or else you will feel the wrath of Kane!
While I will not do a match by match review of the show (since by this time, you've probably read at least 24 of them), I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed the Kane vs. Chavo squash. For those who hated the match, please stand up and go look at yourself in the mirror. Then say out loud: Chavo Guerrero vs. Kane. Who the fuck would want that match to last longer than one minute on PPV? While a five minute match with Chavo working on Kane's leg would be fundamentally sound, it would have been extremely boring. This way, we had the title change (which sparked a tad more interest in ECW) and it did not waste any of our time.
Flair vs. Shawn Michaels was clearly the match of the night followed closely by Taker/Edge (which exceeded all expectations) and the Triple Threat match. I feel very fortunate that I got to see Ric Flair's last match in person. If only Mike Knox was in the battle royal, I could have seen two people's last match!
After the show ended and I sobered up, it was back to downtown Orlando for me. Only this time, Kegger and I hit up Wall Street. Nothing much of note happened that night. It surely wasn't like the post-Wrestlemania 23 shindig…
Overall, I truly recommend going to Wrestlemania. Not only is the show a fun event but it makes a great vacation. This time, I got to hang out with three good friends, met a bunch of 411 people, and most importantly, witnessed BunnyMania!!!! See y'all in Houston!!!
COMING ATTRACTIONS
Will JP ditch me again on a wrestling event? Find out next week!!!
Meehan's in tomorrow.
For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* This applies to all celebrities except for MC Hammer. That dude is poor.
you DO NOT talk like that about the Hammer >-(
whenever you ask "what time is it?", there's only 1 answer... IT'S
HAMMER TIME!!!!
and you better know it
Posted By: Pepo (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 01:26 AM
"IDK My BFF Benoit" might literally be the best thing to have ever
have been written on this fine website.
Posted By: Imperium (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 02:15 AM
Actually, Russo's first book was pretty interesting, if not enjoyable.
I mean, there's a part in the book where he explains that he told Vince, 'I
love you' just to calm the Vinman down from one of his office roid rages. The
shock stopped Vince in his tracks. This was all after Vince threw a fit and
cleared his entire desk off in a burst.
PLus, the book really gave me the feeling that Russo has a lot of shame in him
over his past; yet he knows he is forgiven.. like I said, it's an interesting
read.
Posted By: Christopher Warrior (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 02:47 AM
Pepo...it's time...it's VADER TIME!
Posted By: MC42 (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 02:50 AM
The spring cleaning list is pretty solid, though I'm not sure about Kenny
Dykstra. I think the E still has a thing for him, but I don't know why. I'd
also add Kevin Thorn and a couple divas such as Lena, Maryse, and Eve to the
list.
Posted By: subtlefuge (Registered) on April 10, 2008 at 03:01 AM
"Clearly, after reading these messages, it's all CM Punk's fault."
CM Punk... BERRIED~!!! Now that is an awesome line
Posted By: Brad (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 03:07 AM
Hey brother
Posted By: Warrior Warrior (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 03:17 AM
Ha, 28 points and a free "Wake Up San Fransisco" DVD box set goes to
Jeff Small for his inclusion of Bob Saget aka Danny Tanner.
Posted By: The GT Shaman (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 03:54 AM
I think Russo is secretly being paid by Vince to screw up any organization that
poses a threat to WWE.
Posted By: TWilliams (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 03:56 AM
Balls Mahoney will be fired this year. When was the last time he was TV? What
good could he do?
Posted By: Brent (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 03:58 AM
You forgot Kevin Thorn, Balls Mahoney, Nunzio, and Dave Taylor on your spring
cleaning list.
Posted By: LOL DUCK (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 03:58 AM
Bring back The Spirit Squad... Kenny, Johnny, Mitch, Nicky, Mikey, Paco, Julio,
Habib
Posted By: MRE (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 04:38 AM
Mike Knox, Balls Mahoney, Kevin Thorne, Dave Taylor, Drew McIntyre and The
Highlanders are all living on borrowed time. I think Super Crazy might just
survive as part of the Four Heatmen (along with Val Venis, Charlie Haas and
Hacksaw), but I have a bad about Paul London.
Posted By: Baron Skinny (Registered) on April 10, 2008 at 04:51 AM
I remember reading a report in the Observer about how the WWE thought Kenny
would be a star in a few years. They want to bring him up Orton style and in a
couple of years have him start winning consistently. I doubt he gets released.
And Burchill is such a talented wrestler. I don't buy this "he doesn't
know how to work a crowd" bs that I've heard recently. He only does squash
matches and he hasn't appeared on RAW in over a month. What do you expect?
Posted By: Leo (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 05:13 AM
I don't think Moore gets released, he has a good thing going with Yang right
now.
Posted By: Westen (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 05:15 AM
Although I'd like to see Domino gone, I doubt they'd let him go without sending
Deuce off aswell. Without one of the them, the other has no chance of success.
Also they won't fire the Boogeyman...aiming at children and what not.
And who the hell is Drew McIntyre?
Posted By: Eddie (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 04:55 AM
Paul Burchill as the ripper could connect with an audience.
this guy can't.
Posted By: steveo (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 06:13 AM
Let's see. Dude with limited funds has to buy FOUR WRESTLEMANIA tix so he can
take his kids to the big show and make their year. Dude forks out more money
for food, drinks, and merchandise so kids have a great time. But he and his
kids DESERVE to be hit with fireworks because he bought the cheap seats?
You're an assclown.
Posted By: Owen Can't Fly (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 08:45 AM
hhh to smackdown make sense only if he wins the wwe championship n moves to
smackdown..but the wwe title is the 'A' grade title n will stay on
raw..undertaker just won the title n i dont see him losing it for a long
time..hhh vs big show has already happened n big show is not of hunters
calibre..smackdown is a place for giants now..big daddy v,mark
henry,kane,undertaker,big show, khali..hhh y2j jbl hbk cena orton r more like
the traditional wwe stars..triple hs wwe title win on raw right now is
inevitable..he sacrificed his win at wrestlemania due to his baby..n also busy
training big show n mayweathers match..n plus at wrestlemania 2 wwe titles
world title n ecw title changed hands..n hhh saved his moment for later..which
was the perfect thing to do or else it wud have been over shadowed by
undertakers main event..plus wwe wanted orton to cement a wrestlemania main
event win..well if cena can be given 3 in a row just like hogan..orton deserved
this one for sure..n hhh will be rewarded for his sacrifice for the business yet
again..
Posted By: sid (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 08:48 AM
I think other than Boogey and maybe McIntyre (who nobody's seen), most of those
folks you listed will survive the yearly purge. They're all pretty cheap
hands, and Moore's still pretty over.
My guesses for the purge on the main rosters:
Boogeyman
McIntyre
Hornswoggle (that story's pretty much used up)
Mahoney
Thorn
And a random diva or two. But the divas work cheap.
Posted By: J (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 09:03 AM
I doubt they'd fire Robbie McAllister. He'd just end up in TNA and they'd sell
it like it was the plan all along, same as Angle and Booker T.
And cut Chris Harris some slack. He's in better shape than 95% of your
readers, myself included.
Posted By: Brian (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 09:17 AM
No love for the reject? :(
Posted By: Shannon Moore (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 10:56 AM
I'm sick of being made fun of on here...especially from a guy who wears a
basketball jersey that says Holla Back on it. Throw in cutting off little kids
and their parents to get a turkey leg in Animal Kingdom (it wasn't turkey...it
was the antelope who got hit by the big ass truck) and you have yourself quite
a dbag in Mr. Small
Posted By: Kegger (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 12:09 PM
it is unsettling to me that anyone actually believes that those text messages
were not fabricated.
Owen Can't Fly, first of all, it is now common knowledge that an outside
contractor was responsible for the pyro, so that is where the lawsuits will end
up. and second, did you get some sparklers up the ass when you were young(er)?
you seem to have some fireworks rage going on...
Posted By: Darth Mortis (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 12:18 PM
Mr. Mortis, I never blamed anyone for the fireworks. I simply have issue with
Mr. Small's comment. As a father, how would you like if little Luke Mortis
would've been hit with the postmania fireworks?
Posted By: Owen Can't Fly (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 12:32 PM
If Mickie James was showing concern for me I'd be a happy man.
Posted By: William (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 12:37 PM
I had horrible seats to Raw once... Last row of the highest balcony...The night
Triple H won his first world Title. I didn't get hit with any pyro, or
fireworks. Take that WWE, I beat your system! HA.
Posted By: Toddo (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 12:45 PM
I'm just grumpy from working doubles at 7-11.
Posted By: Darth Mortis (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 12:51 PM
Some of your comments that you make during your reports,seem very racist.
Posted By: Guest#9697 (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 01:05 PM
I wonder what the Undertaker thinks of Smackdown being the "B" show.
How is it good enough for Taker, but not the Kliq?
Is Taker that unimportant and unloved by the WWE?
Or are the Kliq just bitches?
Posted By: Underfaker (Guest) on April 10, 2008 at 11:28 PM
Kenny still has a job?!?
"Dude with limited funds has to buy FOUR WRESTLEMANIA tix" - no, he
doesnt "HAVE TO", unless someone's got a gun to his head, you
thicko.
"Some of your comments that you make during your reports,seem very
racist."
Posted By: Guest#6213 (Guest) on April 11, 2008 at 12:32 AM
Fair enough point, Owen, and you have made it well. i apologise for the
flippant remark.
and what comments seemed racist? i didn't notice any.
Posted By: Darth Mortis (Guest) on April 11, 2008 at 01:07 PM
