The Top Ten 4.15.08: Surprisingly Bad Matches

Did ya miss me? Put your hand down mom. Sorry for missing last week people, but having a 60 hour work week will suck the life out of you. That or Tammy Sytch. Speaking of Sunny, she was insanely hot back in the day. Seriously, she was like flawlessly gorgeous. You see what those drugs do kids. Anyway, enough about my 12-years-too-late crush on Sunny, let’s get into this weeks column.

Random Thoughts Of A Disturbed Wrestling Fan

-I have a theory that most people at some point in their lives were wrestling fans, whether they want to admit it or not, and my theory was proven in the few weeks prior to Wrestlemania. I had the Wrestlemania wallpaper set as the background for my computer at work (yes, I am a loser) and I was amazed by how many people approached me to speak about wrestling. Some told me about how they use to watch it when they were kids, some told me how they watch it with their kids now, and some told me about how they are still fans to this day. And a lot of them were people you would never suspect were wrestling fans. It just proves the universal appeal of wrestling and it furthers my theory that there are a lot of in-the-closet wrestling fans out there.

-I swear that MTV enjoys torturing its former viewers by having marathons of the shows they use to have that were actually good like Yo! MTV Raps, Headbangers Ball, Beavis & Butthead, and Daria. But then they rip it all away by showing a 3 hour block of The Hills to remind us that they truly have become the worst network on television.

-Is there anything better than 80’s Madonna? Seriously, her songs back then were some of the best pop music ever made. Borderline, Crazy For You, Get Into The Groove, Lucky Star, Two Of Hearts, Like A Virgin, Material Girl, etc, etc. Songs that make you want to sing along even if you are a 6’2, 240 pound black dude.

-Ok, I lied, there is something better than 80’s Madonna and that’s “On Our Own” by Bobby Brown. That song alone made Ghostbusters II tolerable. Ok, maybe not, but it’s still an awesome song.

-All throughout Wrestlemania weekend, I resisted crying for anything involving Ric Flair because I watched most of it with my girlfriend and I didn’t want to cry around her. As a result, I was on the train the other day headed to work and what should start blaring in my earphones but “Leave The Memories Alone”. At that point, I started tearing up instantly. Morale of the story? Don’t be afraid to cry in front of your girl guys. Or you’ll wind up bawling in front of hundreds of strangers on a crowded Number 6 train.

-Damn CBS to hell for canceling Secret Talents of the Stars. I wanted to see Flair SALSA dammit! Don’t act like you didn’t want to see it too.

-Man, I really miss King Booker. Don’t you, Patrick?

PINKY!!!

-I’m usually a big supporter of Paul Heyman, but some of his complaints about Ric Flair’s retirement ceremony were pretty ridiculous. First off, to say that Jericho and Cena were out of place was nonsense. Jericho has known Flair since their days in WCW so isn’t it possible that the two men might be friends behing the scenes? Granted, Jericho probably isn’t as close to Flair as Trips or Double A, but if Flair was cool with Jericho being out there, what concern is it of Heyman’s? As for Cena, he is the top dog in the business right now and Flair was the top dog in the business for decades. So I thought it was pretty awesome to see the top name in the business today acknowledge the greatest wrestler of all-time. In regards to the “Leave The Memories Alone” song, I feel as though it is a very nice song that perfectly entails the emotions surrounding Flair’s retirements by basically sayings that even though Flair might be gone from the ring, the memories we have of him in his glory days cannot be touched. Heyman’s suggestion of playing Flair’s entrance music all night would have been pretty damn boring (at least to me). The song fit perfectly with the moment. It’s not like they were playing some generic rock crap that has nothing to do with Flair’s retirement. I’ll always associate that song with Flair’s retirement in the same way that I associate “My Way” with Rock/Austin at WM17 and “My Sacrifice” to all those Sacrifice videos the ‘E use to have. And that’s not a bad thing because I want to remember Flair’s retirement weekend for as long as I live.

Comments, Emails and Bitchslaps

I’ve been slacking with responding to the comments and emails that you guys leave for me so I’m going to try to make a better effort of including some of your thoughts in each week’s columns. No promises, though. I am a lazy bitch after all.

Hows that for an idea…your top 10 favourite wrestlers?!

Posted By: Dave (Guest) on April 01, 2008 at 07:43 PM

When I do a Top Ten on best wrestlers, I wont base it on my personal preference, but rather who I honestly feel are the greatest of all-time. That being said, here are my personal 10 favorite grapplers of all-time:

1) Mick Foley
2) Ric Flair
3) Shawn Michaels
4) Bret Hart
5) The Rock
6) Chris Jericho
7) Steve Austin
8) Eddie Guerrero
9) Randy Savage
10) Koko B. Ware

And no, number 10 is not a joke. I seriously loved Koko when I was a kid. Come on, the man had a futuristic silver jacket (w/ the glasses to match), a kick ass entrance song, and a parrot on his shoulder. A FUCKING PARROT!! How pimp is that? To this day, if I watch a Koko B. Ware match, I’ll get out of my chair, start flapping my arms, and sing “Piledriver” horribly off key.

“Big time bonus points if you can put together a top 10 moments in the Kane vs
Chavo match”

Posted By: MRE (Guest) on April 02, 2008 at 04:00 AM

Don’t tempt me sir or you might just get this:

The Top Ten Moments in the Kane/Chavo WM match

10)Kane’s fiery entrance always looks great on a Wrestlemania set.

9) Chavo selling the chokeslam like death by clutching his head and then rolling out of the ring before collapsing on the floor.

8) Chavo doing his best Macho Man impression by repeatedly pointing at Kane and looking around like a possessed madman before charging.

7) Chavo showing no fear…..At least until Kane showed up behind him, chokeslammed him and pinned him.

6) The people in the front row who were clapping for Chavo before the match completely turning on him and marking out for Kane after he won.

5) The ref with a look of pity on his face after Chavo gets chokeslammed to hell.

4) Armando Estrada’s PIMP suit while doing the ring announcing.

3) The girl with the big boobs in the front row jumping up and down after Kane wins. Ohh wait, that was just a fat dude. Nevermind.

2) The “Ohh-Shit-I’m-Fucked” look on Chavo’s face when he realizes Kane is in the ring.

1) Chavo Guerrero fighting for a title at Wrestlemania…..Even if it was only for 8 seconds.

I sent WWE an e-mail complaining about the Snoop Dog/Maria kiss. Kardashian
herself is famous for an interracial sex tape. Vince must love race-mixing.

Posted By: Randall (Guest) on April 02, 2008 at 06:27 PM

Race mixing is what America is built on. It’s hard to find anyone that isn’t mixed with something. And don’t you know that mixed girls are the hottest girls ever. Seriously, try to find an ugly mixed girl. It’s impossible. They’re all hot. It can be a funky mix too like German and Haitian and the chick will still be hot. Go find yourself a mixed girl people. That way we can keep mixing races until we’re all eventually one color. Hopefully black because you white folks turn red too easily.

Please… Italians don’t compare to the Brother Men?

Domenico is WAY better than Flava Flav!

Posted By: Balboa (Guest) on April 01, 2008 at 07:57 PM

NOBODY is better than Flava Flav. He’s the only man who could be uglier than dog vagina, be broke, and old as shit and yet still fuck models. Respect that man Balboa! Sorry sir, but:

The Top Ten Surprisingly Bad Matches

10) Steve Austin vs. Brian Pillman (Clash Of Champions XXV)
This is what they broke The Hollywood Blondes up for?!? This was suppose to be the big blowoff match between The Blondes after Austin turned on Pillman. These two were capable of having a 20-minute classic, but instead had a 10 minute suckfest. It wasn’t THAT bad, but it definitely wasn’t good. It was mediocre at best and with the talent involved, it should have been great. Disappointing match and these two never really had the classic match that many thought they were capable of. This was definitely a blown opportunity here.

9) Batista vs. Umaga (Wrestlemania 24)
Sure, this was just a few weeks ago, but this match disappointed me more than any other match in recent history. The reason is because both men were on a role and were having some great matches so I had high hopes for this match. I wasn’t expecting it to be as good as Batista/Undertaker from last year, but I at least expected it to come close. What we got instead was an under 10 minute snorefest which really didn’t do jack or shit for either man. I wanted to see a brawl between two behemoths and instead we got rest holds, nonsense and an anticlimactic finish. Boo-urns sirs. Boo-urns!

8) Shawn Michaels vs. Mr. Perfect (Summerslam ’93)
Two of the all-time greats facing off in the peak of their careers is guaranteed to be great, right? Right? Not so much. This match just didn’t click at all and it seemed like both men were completely out of synch with each other. Being that it was Perfect and HBK, they were at least able to manage a decent match, but knowing what this match COULD have been is what makes it so disappointing and, ultimately, bad.

7) Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio (Bash At The Beach ’98)
When you read “Jericho vs. Mysterio” you probably immediately think of a high-flying, counter filled, 4 star affair. Instead, this match gave us a boring, slow paced, barely 2 star debacle. I guess these guys must have just been off this night, but the match they had was not up to the quality that both men usually create. There was no real psychology and it seemed to just be a thrown together match that neither man put their all into. Very disappointing especially given the fact that the match was No-DQ and had all the potential in the world, but wound up being a forgettable and short encounter.

6) Bret Hart vs. Curt Henning (Uncensored ’98)
Bret Hart and Curt “Mr. Perfect” Henning had some fantastic classics in the WWE so most fans assumed they would continue the tradition when they faced off in WCW. Instead what we got was a match that wasn’t up to either man’s standards. Sure, both of them were pretty beat up by this point, but I still feel that they could have produced a better match than this one. That was evidenced at the end of the match when they had a hot finishing sequence that featured Bret reversing a sunset flip into a Sharpshooter. Too bad the previous 10 minutes before that were boring as shit. Ohh well, at least we have Summerslam ’91 and KOR ’93.

5) The Undertaker vs. Steve Austin (Backlash ’02)
The Undertaker and Stone Cold always had good matches with each other. They never had classic encounters, but whenever they locked up, you could count on an entertaining brawl. Not so in this match. It was more filled with restholds, stalling and taunting than any actual wrestling. If it had gone on for only 10 minutes or so, it wouldn’t have been so bad, but it was damn near THIRTY minutes of this crap. I understand that Austin was breaking down by this point, but I’m pretty damn positive he could have put on a much more entertaining match than this. Even Ric Flair and his BOSS red shoes couldn’t save this match as his special referee role barely impacted the match except when he counted the pin against Austin even though his foot was on the ropes. This was the last meeting between these two greats and it’s a damn shame this was their final encounter because they had some entertaining slugfests before this crap.

4) Ric Flair vs. Dusty Rhodes (Starrcade ’84)
Anytime that The Nature Boy and The American Dream faced off, you were almost guaranteed to be entertained. But on this night, for some reason, both men were just completely out of synch with each other and the result was one of the worst matches of both men’s careers. The match was basically just chop, punch, resthold, chop, punch, resthold, chop, punch, resthold, etc, etc. It was nowhere near as entertaining as the matches between these two normally were and the bullshit finish where special ref Joe Frazier stopped the match because of Dusty’s blood loss only further made this match unbearable. For shits sake, Dusty bleeds if he coughs, so stopping the match for blood loss was pretty ridiculous. Fortunately, these two would make up for this stinkfest in later years.

3) Triple H vs. Steve Austin (Survivor Series 2000)
Triple H tried to end Austin’s career after hiring Rikishi to run him over with a car, so the revenge match between Austin and The Game seemed destined to be an all-time classic filled with tons of brutality. Instead what we got was 25 minutes of mindless brawling that was hardly entertaining. This is one of the few matches I’ve ever fallen asleep on which seems ludicrous since it features two of the best the industry has ever seen, but it was just flat out boring. It didn’t start picking up until the end, but by that point it wasn’t enough to redeem this snoozer. Even Triple H being crushed in a car wasn’t enough to make this match good. Ahh, who am I kidding, yes it was.

2) Edge vs. Matt Hardy (Summerslam ’05)
How do you fuck up a hot angle before it even gets off the ground? By having the face of the match get his ass kicked in 10 minutes and have the ref stop the match for “blood loss” when people get paper cuts with more blood. What’s so frustrating about this match is that the match started off well with both men stiffing the crap of out each other and Edge hitting a sweet spear on Matt through the ring ropes. It seemed like we were in for a great, long match. But instead, a few minutes later Edge dropped Matt head first on the steel post and continually kicked him in the head until the ref stopped the match. The crowd booed the hell out of that finish and rightfully so. It made Matt look like a jobber that got in a few lucky punches, but then got dominated by Edge. If they had Edge win through nefarious means in order to continue the feud, I would have been fine with that. But to have him beat down Hardy to the point that the ref had to stop the match just made Hardy look weak and it took their incredible cage match the next month to salvage this feud.

1) Holly wood Hulk Hogan vs. Sting (Starrcade ’97)
How do you fuck this match up? Seriously. No, I seriously want an answer. Don’t have one? I don’t blame you because neither do I. Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t expecting a 5 star classic or anything with this match, but I was at least expecting a decent match with a great ending ala Goldberg/Hogan on Nitro. Instead what we got was a boring match with one of the stupidest endings I’ve ever seen in a wrestling match (and that covers a lot of ground). WCW had a fantastic angle with Sting vs the nWo. Sting was basically a loner in the beginning and didn’t side with either WCW or the nWo for months. He’d come out and attack whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted and the fans ate it up. Once Sting finally aligned himself with WCW against the nWo, the fans were rabid to see Sting dethrone the cocky champion, Hogan. General Wrestling Booking 101 would dictate that Sting would beat Hogan cleanly on the biggest show of the year to send the fans home happy. What happened instead was a contrived mess that still has me scratching my head to this day. You see, Bret Hart defected from the WWE to WCW so they had Bret sit ringside for this match (as a special enforcer, timekeeper, or jock strap holder, I don’t remember) and he called foul when Hogan presumably won after a “fast count”. The only problem? The count was slow as hell. In fact, it might have been even slower than most regular three counts. Anyway, Bret demanded that the match be restarted due to the “injustice” that had just occurred (you see, Bret was screwed by the WWE so he didn’t like screwjobs. Get it? Good) and shortly thereafter Sting was able to slap on the Scorpion Deathlock for the submission and the title. This was a match that was so easy to book that it is mind numbing to think how badly they messed it up. Sting dominates the early portion, Hogan gains control with some heelish tactics, Sting comes back and slaps on the Scorpion for the submission. You see? Simple, easy and CLEAN! But I guess there’s a reason WCW isn’t in business anymore and this is one of them.

Drive-By Pimpin’

Check out all these great columns by my 411 brethren:

-Andy Clark’s “Shimmy”
-Ari’s “Column Of Honor”
-Sean, Alex and David’s “Triple Threat”
-Bayani’s “Truth B Told”
-Weyer’s “Shining The Spotlight”
-Byers’ “Cheap Wrestling for Cheap People”
-Larry and Geoff’s “4R’s”
-Fact Or Fiction
-Sat and Uncle Trunx’s “High Road/Low Road”
-Phill Feltham’s “Quick Talkdown”
-Sarnecky’s “Piledriver Report”
-Slimmer’s News Report
-Hidden Highlights
-Carapola’s “That Was Then” and “Friendly Competition”
-The Fink’s Payload
-Gamble’s “Just ‘Spose”
-Cook’s “Ask 411”
-Wilcox’s “Thoughts From The Top Rope”
-Meehan’s “Meethinks”
-Sforcina’s “Evolution Schematic”
-Prag’s “In Defense Of?.”
-Wrestlers of the Week
-Randle’s “Wrestling News Experience”
-Linkous’ “Why I Love Wrestling”
-Double M’s Rasslin Report
-News To Start Your Weekend
-Dunn’s Rawtopsy, Smackdown Breakdown, & ECW eXperience
-Your News, Larry’s Views
-Zac Calhoun’s “The Ripple Effect”
-Joe Estee’s “Keys To The Game”
-Halden’s “You’re An Idiot And Here’s Why”
-Buy……OR SELL!!
-Chris Lansdell “The Way I C It”
-Alex Barcham’s “Hitting Below The Beltway”
-T.G. Corke’s “The Seventh Dimension”
-Magnus Donaldson’s “Cut To The Crap”
-Tim Haught’s “Pro Wrestling Pundit”
-William Bumgarner’s “What Were They Thinking?”
-Jarrod Westerfield’s “Viral Dose Of Reality”

The Sign-Off

I gots no more people. Be sure to leave your comments and come back next week when the topic will be The Top Ten Ric Flair Matches. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!