The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 04.17.08
Posted by Jeff Small on 04.17.2008
With more Khali love than usual!
And One to Start On…
From commenter Owen Can't Fly, "Let's see. Dude with limited funds has to buy FOUR WRESTLEMANIA tix so he can take his kids to the big show and make their year. Dude forks out more money for food, drinks, and merchandise so kids have a great time. But he and his kids DESERVE to be hit with fireworks because he bought the cheap seats? You're an assclown."
First things first, assclown is not a real word. At least have the decency to call me an asshole. Second, I never stated that anyone deserves to be hit with fireworks; rather, I said that it's a risk you take when you sit in the cheap seats. And lastly, why are you arguing with someone over a silly internet report? Seriously, I shouldn't even comment on this!
Let's do one more…
In regards to spring cleaning, it seems like I missed the entire ECW roster. To be honest, I had no idea Balls Mahoney was still with the company. Or even Dave Taylor.
And with all that out of the way, let's commence to jigglin'!
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
Keep waiting….
Yes, yes….
WHAMMY!!!!!!!
By the way, did you notice how Steve Cook used my "sad panda" line in his teaser this week? You know the same "sad panda" line I used to open my news report last week. Somebody's been reading me recently (or watching South Park).
Anyway, we have a hell of a lot of items to cover today including the future of the Great Khali, how to diet like the Great Khali, and most importantly, nudie pictures of the Great Khali. If that doesn't excite you, I bet this will…
Even DJ Khaled can't pimp like the Great Khali!
In non-Khali news, we take a look at Monday's King of the Ring, ponder the future of Joey Styles, and recap last Sunday's TNA Lockdown PPV!
NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS
Uno, Dos, Adios
The big news of the week is the announcement of the Great Khali's upcoming leave. According to NewKerela.com, "The Great Khali, the famous World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) grappler, is taking a break and returning to his native village in Himachal Pradesh later this month after some twenty months of hard wrestling, his family said Thursday… Dalip will land in India on April 26 but will first report at his Punjab police office in Jalandhar… He is expected to stay in the village for at least a month."
Clearly, this is a major loss for the WWE. Last year, the WWE's main event roster was ravaged by injuries and suspensions. Up until last month the WWE's upper card roster was held intact until Jeff Hardy's suspension. Now another upper carder looks to be headed back to his homeland which will leave two big shoes for Smackdown to fill. You know it actually might be the time to have a roster draft as I believe it will take many men to fill Khali's size-28s.
In other news, the article was kind enough to list the Great Khali's diet. According to the article, "Maintaining his giant size requires a strict and intimidating dietary regimen: one gallon of milk, five chickens and two dozen eggs, along with chapatis, juice and fruit daily."
That's quite the amount of chicken. I hope there's a nearby Popeye's for the Khali to stop at. If anyone has any Photoshop skills, I would love a picture of the Khali's eating habits for my news report. For now, you all are stuck with this:
Khali Chicken Time!
If only he stayed for the Dance Off Pants Off…
From the main page, "Joey Styles has been removed from the ECW announce team and will now work with WWE.com. Styles will not be "Head of WWE.com" as stated on TV last night. Brian Kalinowski will continue to be in charge of the website, and Styles will report to him as an editor of sorts. Styles will be responsible for most of the content on WWE.com from now on.
Styles will continue to travel with the company to all the televised events but will also work in the WWE.com Stamford offices now. At live events, he will continue to sit in on production and creative meetings so he knows what is going on and can use that knowledge on WWE.com. The new job gives Styles more responsibility than he had before."
I'm torn on this. The Smark side of me is unhappy with Styles's removal. Styles was one of the last remaining pieces of the ECW legacy and with his departure, we are just left with Tommy Dreamer. Now I'm okay with Tommy Dreamer being the last Extremist but we all know that Dreamer doesn't mean shit in the long run. Hey, his best days are behind him and even he thanks the WWE for getting him onto Wrestlemania the past two years.
On the mark side, I'm all for Styles promotion. Fact is he is promoted which means more money, more responsibility, and not having to watch ECW programming. Hell, he gets to sit in production and creative meetings which aren't too shabby. Also, we know that Vince was never happy with Styles's broadcasting skills as he's not as scientific as Cole or as charismatic as Coach. Why should Styles get stymied each week when now he can take more shit from the boss!
Last but not least, who's pumped for the return of Mike Adamle to announcing? As evidenced Tuesday night on ECW, Mike has a knack for commentary that cannot be replaced.
Jamacian Me Crazy, Kofi!
This coming Monday the King of the Ring tournament returns! Now while I was never a huge fan of the PPV, I do think one night tournaments, when used sparingly, are great way to start/continue feuds along with pushing future up and comers. Past winners like King Daddy V and King Ass used their wins to vault themselves into WWE History! On Monday, eight superstars have a chance at stardom! Unfortunately, the WWE has not released the names of these superstars. But luckily for you, I have your inside scoop. I have uncovered the winner of the King of the Ring tournament… King Kofi Kingston!
Guest #9697: Some of your comments that you make during your reports seem very racist.
Ugly people need not apply!
From PWInsider, "Feeling that they show up too prominently on HD broadcasts, WWE has chosen to only allow their own company employees at ringside, so photographers covering the event are now relegated to shooting from the area where WWE sets up their stationary cameras for TV broadcasts. Photographers are still allowed at ringside for non-televised events."
Really the last time ring-side photographers were relevant was back in the Attitude days when Raw magazine had an exclusive picture in each edition. Since that point, photographers do not add anything to WWE programming. Hell, most times I do not even know that they are around the ring (thanks to my non-HD TV). With that said, if it was the case that these photographers were on television way too much, they should be eradicated. We must not have ugly people on the show. Unless it's Snitsky of course!
NEWS FROM O-TOWN
Another reason to love TNA!
From Lords of Pain, "At the Impact tapings (SPOILERZ) all of the Knockouts will be participating in a "Makeover Battle Royal" at Sacrifice and the final two competitors will compete right then and there in a Ladder Match. The girl wins by grabbing the Knockouts title shot contract from above the ring. The loser of the match will receive a "Britney Spears Makeover" by having her head shaved bald."
I'm just glad this kind of nonsense was not seen at Lockdown. Actually, it could have been with the Knockouts climbing into the cage but thankfully that was short. This match, however, sounds like it will last too long. First off, it's a battle royal that can only end in a ladder match. It's one thing to do the battle royal on the pre-show to hype the crowd before having the ladder match on PPV, but no (well at least at this moment). Secondly, I do not know how comfortable I am with women competing in a ladder match. I don't say that because I'm sexist; rather, I don't know how many bumps they can safely take. Going back to Lockdown, I commented to JP that the climbing into the cage was unnecessary since the women were not trained for climbing spots.
And I haven't even mentioned the "Britney Spears Makeover." Why? "Hair shaving" matches work well to end a heated feud. The Battle of the Billionaires match revolved around this stipulation while it has even worked well in the past (Roddy Piper vs. Adonis). Without a heated feud, this stipulation just seems tacky. No wonder it references Britney.
New Backstage Chick
From LOP, "A new backstage interview girl by the name of Lauren Brooke debuted at Sunday's TNA Lockdown pay-per-view. She was hired at the urging of Spike TV officials, who want more women involved in the backstage segments on Impact. No word yet on the status of Crystal Louthan, although it doesn't look she's being replaced and TNA will simply have two girls doing the backstage announcing. With the addition of Lauren to the roster, that brings the total number of on-air female talent to 18."
By Gawd, that's a lot of female talent. No wonder they need battle royals. I'm not sure if Lauren Brooke will last a while in TNA, though she had a better on-air debut than Mike Adamle. Will she be broadcasting Impact with Don West soon? Find out in a few weeks!
JP AND SMALL GO TO TNA LOCKDOWN!!!
Sometimes it pays to work for 411Mania. Case in point: last Sunday when JP and I were able to attend TNA Lockdown thanks to JP's relationship with Midway Games. It's quite funny if you ask me. What people fail to realize is that 98% of the people who work for 411Mania are volunteers. This column is me volunteering my time instead of going to karaoke to entertain my millions of fans. While 411's reach is very impressive (especially for a site whose main draw is rasslin'), I would never be thought of as Press. Until Sunday of course.
JP with our complimentary TNA Lockdown tickets!
After arriving in my pimp company vehicle, we headed over to Will Call to see if TNA management left tickets for JP. Of course, they did and we were giddy. At least, I was giddy. I couldn't stop chuckling until my first beer. While our seats were not awesome, we still had a great view and saved $40 on tickets. Yes, they were the cheap seats, but I was not going to let a fireworks malfunction stand in my way!
TNA's Record Setting Crowd
I must admit that TNA does an excellent job hyping the crowd before a show. JB comes out about 15 minutes early and uses every trick in the book to get the crowd excited. The only time I've seen a better hype job was when I attended Late Night with Conan O' Brien a few years back. After much hype (and a short text conversation with CSONKA), the show was ready to begin.
Throughout the night, I text messaged JT my thoughts on the show. I was led to believe that JT was doing Instant Access so I proceeded to annoy him with my random banter on Dippin' Dots (excellent) and what color thong Curry Man wears (black). Thankfully, my conversations with JT proved to be worthwhile since I was able to direct him to where JP and I were sitting. That's right, your favorite Thursday and Saturday news reporters were seen live on PPV!
Note: neither of us were wearing ridiculous JT clothing
So my thoughts on the show: overall, I had a good time. While I was underwhelmed with the first half of the show, I thought it picked up at the end. The Lethal Lockdown match was solid except for an unnecessary spot at the top of the cage. Trust me, live, the spot did not look pretty. In fact, it took way to long to even set up the spot. I mean, why would Cowboy James Storm knock his own partner onto a table just to take Christian? That keeps an even playing field! It's almost as retarded as Johnny Devine breaking up a pinfall on his arch-nemesis Jay Lethal after he was Stone Cold Stunned! Even with the spot and an abrupt ending, it's still my Match of the Night at 3 ¾ stars.
TLC Spots on the top of the Cage… so unnecessary
Onto the main event. I'll be honest, I did not think the match came off well live. The MMA stuff was okay but nothing that added any crowd interest (they were too busy amusing themselves with the dueling chants). Throw in a three minute too long Figure 4 lock and the first half of the match was quite dull. The second half picked up but overall, I wasn't overly impressed. With that said, I do not think it has anything to do with the match; rather, I think I expected too much. When I returned home from the show, I was shocked with the reviews of the match. At over four stars, I thought CSONKA overrated the match a tad. But then again, it might have come off better on television. One last bytch: I'm shocked that Samoa Joe's family did not join him in the ring to end the show. C'mon TNA, I'm a WWE mark. I'm a sucker for drama!
Don't just stand there, choke a bitch!
Remember, TNA Impact arrives on gamers' doorsteps this summer!!!
COMING ATTRACTIONS
Well, there's no PPV events coming up so I guess next week I have nothing to write about. Perhaps, I'll have a Great Khali send-off! Until then…
Will Meehan write a proper news column this week? Find out tomorrow!
For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted By: Matt P (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 12:09 AM
Great job TNA of taking the Knockouts and making them a JOKE!
Posted By: natedoggcata (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 01:00 AM
Assclown isn't a word? Chris Jericho would like to have a word with you.
Posted By: MC42 (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 01:52 AM
this is my first time reading this article and its great. The mention of styles
lack of ability to call ECW I loved. Ahh if only they remembered that Joey is
the only person to ever call a PPV entirely by themselves.
Posted By: kinaj (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 02:20 AM
"Assclown isn't a word? Chris Jericho would like to have a word with
you."
Best comment of the night, MC42. Made me spit diet Coke at my screen.
Posted By: Mina (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 02:23 AM
Is that an ATHF reference I see?
Posted By: Patrick Robinson (Registered) on April 17, 2008 at 05:31 AM
Small - Assclown is a perfectly acceptable term. I would've called you an
asshole, but you are not. I would know, I'm an asshole (my posting name proves
it). Your column is usually very enjoyable, but that comment was very foolish.
My opinion, no harm done. Keep up the good work.
Posted By: OCF (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 07:20 AM
DAMN, that chick with Khali is hot. How'd that big ugly sumbitch ever pull
something like that? That TNA thing with this Bitney shit is a damn joke. If
she wasn't the champ already, I'd like to see Kong go in and lose. That's
right, Kong should lose the ladder match. And when they try to shave her head,
she can beat the livin piss out of them. "Styles's broadcasting skills as
he's not as scientific as Cole or as charismatic as Coach" For God's sake
Jeff, tell me that was a joke.
Posted By: the Mad Redneck (Registered) on April 17, 2008 at 08:14 AM
I think you might've been better off using "it was just a joke, chill"
as an excuse rather than "if you're gonna buy cheap seats, you have to take
into account that you might be blown up."
Posted By: Paul (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 09:00 AM
Ummm......Backlash? If Khali is leaving for India, then what will happen to the
Khali vs. Big Show match at Backlash, which happens the day after Khali arrives
in India? I was looking forward to that match.
Posted By: Michael Clark (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 09:40 AM
So the loser of this makeover thing get's their head shaved? So would it be so
wrong for the women to think "Hey, I can get a title shot just as easily
by beating my competition, and that way I get to keep my hair!" Then just
jumping out of the ring?
So if every Knockout is in this match, where does that leave Kong vs. ODB and
Gail Kim?
Kong's manager was said to be very impressive in her debut, what do you bet
they jump that shark, and have her win this battle royal laddr match shaved
head suckfest of a match?
No disrespect to the women, but this is a convoluted concept.
Posted By: Toddo (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 09:45 AM
You sir, are an assclown.
Assclown I say!
Posted By: Hate the whamys bc theyre gay (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 09:54 AM
jeff if you honestly think that anyone in the cheap seats is taking a known risk
of being hit with fucking fireworks then you are the definition of an assclown,
asshole, dumbass whatever you want to call it. Sitting in the cheap seats at
wrestlemania is not like going to a professional hockey game and fireworks with
very few exceptions are not hockey pucks. If you really believe that garbage
coming out of your mouth then i honestly hope the next time u go to a live
event u take a firework right to that crap spewing mouth of yours and then
we'll see whose filing a lawsuit and whose saying oh it was a known risk. the
poor people who got hit with the fireworks are most certainly entitled to
having their med bills paid and some sort of I'm sorry from the WWE thats worth
more than some PR douchebag making a public apology from a podium.
Posted By: stronelis (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 10:19 AM
Makeover Battle Royal?
well, that was a nice legit women's division TNA had once.
can't wait for the TNA Knockouts 'Pamela Anderson Hepatitis C Tag Team
Elimination Tournament' or the 'Paris Hilton Syphilis Bra and Soggy Panties
Match.'
Posted By: Darth Mortis (Registered) on April 17, 2008 at 12:15 PM
Backlash is the 27...so wouldn't Khali miss it if he's leaving the 26?
Posted By: Chris (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 12:16 PM
TNA's stipulations are so bizarre. Why would the knockout who came in 2nd get
their head shaved. I wouldn't even try to get in the ring.
Small- missed this comment, "Yes, they were the cheap seats, but I was not
going to let a fireworks malfunction stand in my way! " Well played, well
played.
Posted By: OCF (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 12:33 PM
Did you seriously just say Mike Adamle has a knack for commentary that can't
bereplaced?
The guy is like a robot. He has the charisma of a brick wall and a delivery
worse than Tony Schiavone.
You sir are an idiot.
LONG LIVE JOEY STYLES!
Posted By: lethalxkeith (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 12:38 PM
Haha I lol'd at the Khali chicken pic.
Posted By: Guest#4533 (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 12:54 PM
WAIT WAIT WAIT WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAHHHHH!!!! Khali is a FN COP? Now theres some
good casting!
Posted By: CM Wolf (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 01:09 PM
I'll photoshop Khali and a chicken for you...
and Small... after that pic, I don't think you're any small.... ¬¬
but kudos for not showing up on any Daddy Yankee outfit
Posted By: Pepo (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 01:13 PM
I hope Khali's break in India is just a break. beleive it or not I think Khali
has a place in WWE and it would be a shame to lose him. they have plenty of big
men but Khali is just so inhuman, he's the monster giant of WWE.
Posted By: Davy (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 02:52 PM
What happened to seeing Khali nude?
Posted By: Guest#5074 (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 03:07 PM
I would rather watch any two TNA knockouts compete in a ladder match, with extra
stipulations than that shitty "encounter" of Clinton/Obama
impersonators there throwing out next monday on WWE. And didn't mortis' hero of
WWE VinnyMac already mimic the Spears headshaving or was that because he got
head lice from mortis's mom and had to shave it to get those canadian cooties
off him.
Posted By: Scrotum Pole (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 08:29 PM
Does anyone think the set of Lock Down looked like the classic WCW Nitro set?
Posted By: Darcy Edwards (New Zealand) (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 08:39 PM
Khali and "grappler", now that's two words I wouln't expect to be put
together in a sentence...
Posted By: Kristi (Guest) on April 17, 2008 at 09:53 PM
Wow, Small's humor must be too much for small-minded readers. Man, that was bad
for me.
You know, I dated a chick who used the "sad panda" line, but had
never seen that episode of South Park. Just wow. But I forgave her, because
she was a hell of a lay.
Don't worry, I'm back in the IWC, now, and sex free. Oi, vey.
Posted By: G-Walla (Guest) on April 18, 2008 at 01:20 AM
G-walla was cool in my book until that post.
Posted By: theHomewrecker! (Guest) on April 18, 2008 at 02:44 AM
This just in. After 2 months of HARD wrestling Kofi Kingston will be returning
to his Jamaican village...hopefully for ever
Posted By: ted g (Guest) on April 18, 2008 at 08:54 AM
Homewrecker, I didn't wanna give anyone false ideas about me being cool. Far
from it.
Posted By: G-Walla (Guest) on April 18, 2008 at 01:24 PM
CRYSTAL LOUTHAN MADE IT WORTH WATCHING YOUR PROGRAM. SHE BROUGHT SOME REAL
CLASS IN STEAD OF THE FLOOSIE'S YOU HAVE HAD IN THE PAST AND THE NEW ONE.
Posted By: BAD ASS BOB (Guest) on May 12, 2008 at 11:01 AM
