The Thursday Small-For-All News Report 05.01.08

Posted by Jeff Small on 05.01.2008

Small did indeed write this news report. You might wish that he didn’t.

And One to Start With

From last week's commenter G-Walla, "Wow, it's good to see Jeff Small takes his column as seriously as people that post in the comment section."

Abso-fucking-lutely. I'm back bitches. Are y'all ready?

Wait for it…


Wait for it…


Keep waiting….


Yes, yes….


WHAMMY!!!!!!!




Welcome back to the refreshed and recharged Smallcase Showdown known as the Small-For-All! Must I say it feels good to be back! Granted, I can't take a week off every week (or else they would call me Wilcox) but it is so nice having a mini vacation every once and a while. A week off allows me to recharge my batteries and motivate myself once again. Remember kiddies, while being a 411 internet God has its perks (free TNA tickets, a bunch of people thinking you are racist), I'm not being paid to do this shit.

With that said, I actually had an emergency work-related trip last Wednesday which left me computerless until the weekend. As JT recalled, I text messaged him Wednesday afternoon to see if he wanted the "opportunity of a lifetime" and write last week's news report. And yes, I was serious when I called it an opportunity. You have to remember, JT used to transcribe Byte This episodes each week. A news report is like the Holy Grail for him. Luckily he came to my rescue even though I now have to mail him The Best of Daddy Yankee Mixtape. Regardless of his musical preference (I'm more of a Weezy fan), JT bailed me out and I'm forever grateful. Not to mention the news report was actually good. I might have to text JT more often…

In today's edition, we take a look at what I missed last week, we say goodbye to a special friend, and most importantly, I take the WWE to bat in regards to Michael Hayes's suspension. But not for the reasons you think! Huzzah!


NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Yesterday's news blown by the wind…

It's really not fair. There was so much more fun to talk about last week.

Well just in case you missed last week, I shall review it for you now.

William Regal much deservedly won the King of the Ring on Raw. Seriously, I do not know why people are bitching about his win. The man is clearly an inspiration to us all. He suffered through demons, cleaned himself up, and now has risen to the top ranks of professional wrestling. All while not changing his old-fashioned way of rasslin'. Kudos to Mr. Regal. Sorry, I mean King Regal.

And if you don't think that's a good enough reason, I have a picture to prove otherwise:


Dude showed his willy on PPV! This is a fair enough compensation!

Michael Hayes said a bad word to Mark Henry. More on this below.

RVD's wife is battling cancer. Hopefully, she has her husband's no-selling skills.

Balls Mahoney and Dave Taylor were fired from the WWE. I know I predicted Taylor but I totally forgot that Balls was still around.

Stuff happened in TNA and the other small feds.

And if you are thinking that I only spoke about last week's news just so I could use a picture of William Regal naked, you are absolutely correct.

JT's not touching it, so I will

As we all know, Michael Hayes is suspended for 60 days for using a racial slur during a conversation with Mark Henry. According to ProWrestling.net, "Hayes and MVP had been using the word while joking around together earlier in the night. It was a party setting and Hayes had been drinking when he approached Henry. A pair of sources confirmed that Hayes told Henry, "I'm more of a n----- that you are." One of the sources claims that it was a play on something MVP jokingly said about Hayes earlier in the night because of the white suit that he wore to the WWE Hall of Fame ceremony. Hayes then headbutted Henry in what one source described as a playful manner. Henry and Hayes exchanged words, and the former reported the issue to WWE officials." Since then more has come out in regards to Hayes's racial insensitivity. Most Hayes backers believe that he sees no harm in the word and repeatedly uses the word in all situations. Others believe that this suspension should have happened a long time ago. Until Hayes returns, Ed Korskey and Christopher DeJosephs (who plays Big Dick Johnson on WWE TV) will take over as the writers for Smackdown and ECW. DeJosephs had been writing for ECW since Dave Lagana was fired and Dusty Rhodes left for Florida Championship Wrestling.

Personally, I am horrified that the WWE suspended Michael Hayes and replaced him with untalented hacks! Look, in the racial sensitive world we live in, Hayes should have been smarter than he was. He shouldn't use the word not because of its meaning but because it offends his co-workers. And if he has no respect for his coworkers, then he's a assclown (huzzah!).

I'm pissed off because we have Big Dick Johnson dumbing down ECW and Smackdown. While neither were must-see television, both were steady heading into Wrestlemania. For those who watched ECW this week or read the Smackdown spoilers, you can see that things are already starting to suffer. The storyline coming out of Smackdown's main event is so asinine that I thought I was reading Impact spoilers.

You might ask "What Would Small Do?" in this situation. Good thing I had a week to figure this out. Michael Hayes's punishment should be that he can continue to write for Smackdown and ECW as long as he appears on the next season of either a BET reality television show OR the next season of "I Love NY." Because if Hayes tried to use that word around Chance or even Tango, he would have gotten shanked. That experience alone would scare him straight.


Who's got love for New York?

I guess he's not a Rewards member

According to the Wrestling Observer, "Randy Orton had another incident on the recent European tour. Orton was upset that the hotel staff woke him up earlier than he scheduled. Orton then put clothes on, took his food from room service, went down the hall and threw the food on the staff that woke him up. Orton reportedly laughed after the incident and went back to his room."

Good for you Orton. You knew you were jobbing the title to Triple H and you let everyone know that you weren't happy with it! Actually, it's quite sad that Orton reverted back to his old self after a year of good behavior. In fact, he just recently did an interview where he spoke in detail on his bad behavior. It looked as if he was passed that stage (marriage matured him) but sadly, he relapsed. Of course, the WWE did the correct action and placed him in the main event of Judgment Day. Man, it surely sucks to be Orton!

Mike Adamle is your ruler and your savior!

According to Pro Wrestling.net, "There is a story on the WWE website claiming that Mike Adamle and Tazz exited the arena and headed straight to the parking lot. The story also notes that calls and text messages sent to the duo have gone unanswered. "It's no secret that our traditional ECW fans have not been satisfied with Adamle's lackluster commentary," reads the story. "Speculation is this could have led to the play-by-play and color commentator walking off during a WWE broadcast."

First off, if traditional ECW fans only became unsatisfied with Adamle's commentary after sitting through 99 episodes, then they are the worst traditional fans ever. Likely, all traditional ECW fans turned the channel when the Zombie was getting its ass kicked by the Sandman during the awful first episode. Second, if Mike Adamle's piss-poor commentary will bring interest to ECW, then more power to Vince. I really think Adamle needed another few weeks of lackluster commentary before walking out, but who am I to decide. In fact, here's a great idea for instant heel heat in ECW: attack The Tazz at the start of the show so Adamle would have to solo commentate!

Hands touching hands, reaching out, touching me, touching umanga!

According to the Wrestling Observer, "When the Raw crew landed in Portugal, there was an incident where a fan grabbed Maria. This apparently scared her a lot. She was about to make a formal complaint when Umaga overheard the story and demanded to know who did it. Umaga never found the guy, but Maria was physically shaken over the incident."

Well, seeing as the WWE loves to parody real-world events, it might be time to turn the Samoan Bulldozer face once again! I must admit I would be scared shitless if Umaga was running around the streets looking for the perpetrator. Maria should definitely be thankful that Umaga was around.

With that said, if this incident scarred Maria, I think the WWE should hire a bodyguard for Maria. You know, someone who can follow her around at all hours of the night. Someone who would care for her during her Diva activities. You know, someone like this man…


I'm totally not stroking it, Brother!

The sequel no one was waiting for…

Here's the One Night Stand 2008 poster:



What scarier: the poster or the fact that there's only two weeks between Judgment Day and One Night Stand? Seriously, even with hardcore stipulations, I don't think anyone would be interested in watching another go-around of rematches.


NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Guess there are problems he can't solve

From the Observer, "Tomko has been suspended for a few weeks. It stems from Tomko booking himself to appear on the IGF show on 4/14, with TNA seemingly not happy that he didn't make the booking through Bill Behrens, which is how it's normally done."

Considering Tomko would have only been booked for the Deuces Wild match at Sacrifice, maybe it's a good thing that he's suspended. Absence makes the heart grow fonder so when he does return, he will be ready to be thrust into the main event scene. God, it kind of pains me to want to see Tomko as a main eventer. If only I could get his masterpiece with Stevie Richards out of my head for good.

Shark Boy for X-Division Champ!

According to the main page, "Last night at the TNA Impact tapings TNA X-Division Champion Petey Williams suffered a broken orbital bone. TNA is waiting on an updated diagnosis to see how bad the break is, how long Williams would need to recover and then decide if anything will have to be done with the X-Division Title."

From live reports, it seems as if the injury was caused by a standard kick to the head from Jimmy Rave. It's always seems that most injuries come from simple moves (hip tosses, big boots from the top rope). It's a shame that Petey had to get injured two weeks after winning the title. Let's hope he has a speedy recovery. If not, it's time for Stone Cold Shark Boy to rule the fishbowl!

Well at least Ryan Bias will like this week's edition

From the main page, "The Daizee Haze vs. Cheerleader Melissa match that was reported for tonight actually took place on last night's taping and will air on this Thursday's episode."

Yes, there's a very good chance that Melissa will be pulling double duty on Impact. For those of you who want to see the next Michelle McCool, tune into Thursday's show!


A Special Goodbye

As mentioned in my Small-For-All two weeks ago, the Great Khali is headed back to Indian for an undisclosed amount of time. Seeing as the Great Khali inspired me to become the man I am today, I must take this time to thank Khali for his hard work, sacrifice, and dedication. I now present a picture tribute to my favorite Punjab giant.



It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away
Since you been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues
`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you



It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong
I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you
I went to the doctor n'guess what he told me
Guess what he told me
He said girl u better try to have fun
No matter what you'll do
But he's a fool
`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you



Much love to reader Jose for the last picture!


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Isn't it scary what I come up with after a week off?

Meehan's in tomorrow.

For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!