The UnDream Match 05.03.08: King Of Kings Tournament Final

Posted by Mathew Sforcina on 05.03.2008

Must stay focused, must finish Evolution.... Hey, shiny shiny!

Note: Due to…shiny, shiny doughnuts, the final instalment of ‘Evolution Schematic: WWE Video Games' will not be presented this week. Instead, please enjoy this topical farce from the master of it.

There have been 20 men to have called themselves King of the WWE, due to the King Of The Ring Tournament. Some won the tournament; others beat the guy who won the tournament. A couple of guys doubled up, having two claims of being King (Bret Hart and Randy Savage). And there's always Lawler, although he can legitimately call himself King, given his win over Bret Hart.

But with so many Kings, thoughts turn, of course, to Dream Matches. A King Of Kings Tournament, or perhaps a Battle Royal. But then, that doesn't belong here, does it?

This is the UnDream Match, where we examine those matches that should be Dreams but aren't. So, how can we get an UnDream Match out of this? Simple, logical extrapolation.

Say there was a tournament to crown the King Of Kings (Yes Hunter, you have to try and confirm your nickname). Who would advance to the finals? What would the final match be?

Clearly one of the finalists would be the biggest guy. It stands to reason; the biggest, fattest guy would win. Big Guys Are Better Than Small Guys, Q-WWE-D. Everyone knows that. So that's one side taken care of.

The other, has to be the slimiest, most hated bastard in the group. You have to either be huge or slimy to advance in this field, you can't go in and not take every short cut, not win by any means. And looking over the field, while our most recent King does have a strong case (booking the tournament to ensure his win), it's one thing to stack the deck yourself. It's another to still cheat without dealing the cards.

And while carrying around someone else's title belt.

Thus, the final of the King Of Kings Tournament…



King Mabel VS. King Billy Gunn



Brief Background:

Mabel's rise to Kingship began at the first ever In Your House PPV, where he beat Adam Bomb to qualify for the tournament. He then beat The Undertaker with a big ass leg drop thanks to Kama stomping Taker beforehand. A bye due to Kama/Shawn Michaels going to a time limit draw got him to the final, where he crushed Savio Vega and became King, while the fans chanted ‘ECW'. King Mabel would last for a while, leading to his title shot at Summerslam, in which he was beaten by Diesel, then eventually he was buried by The Undertaker and gone for a few years, until he came back to serve The Undertaker as Viscera.

Billy Gunn's quest to become King was interesting, as to qualify he beat Viscera, then won by referee stoppage over Ken Shamrock, beat Kane thanks to Big Show's interference, then took advantage of X-Pac being injured to win the Tournament. He would lose a match the very next night on Raw, and never really did anything with his win. But he did win it, albeit in a very disgusting, slimy way.

Strength:

Billy Gunn is average for a wrestler.

Oh wait, we're not talking about overall judgements yet, my bad.

Billy Gunn has a decent, if unspectacular level of strength for a wrestler. He has used a brainbuster in the past, and can lift people up at times, but against a behemoth such as Mabel, it's all for naught. Mabel's strength is in itself not great, but it's not bad, and against a guy like Billy Gunn, Mabel clearly holds the victory.

Advantage: Mabel

Speed:

And with what is quickly becoming common in my UDM's, we have a small fast guy vs. a big fat one, and thus this category is yet again a wash, just in the other way. Although for the record, apart from a pretty decent vertical leap at times, Gunn never struck me as a fast guy, but compared to Mabel he's an Olympic Sprinter on Speed.

Advantage: Billy Gunn

Brawling:

Well now. Billy was never one for technical wizardry, he'd hit you, hit you again, then maybe show his ass and hit you a third time. And then again, Mabel could only brawl, due to his inability to move his limbs very quickly (the occasional spin kick notwithstanding). So it comes down to Mabel's strength vs. Billy Gunn's lack of options. And really, which is a positive?

Advantage: Mabel

Stamina:

Please.

Advantage: Billy Gunn

Intangibles:

I could go on and on about DX, the New Age Outlaws, Sir Mo, Men On A Mission, I could look into their Hardcore Title reigns, their tag reigns, everything. But really, they've fought before, and Billy beat Viscera. Therefore:

Advantage: Billy Gunn

Willingness To Cheat:

Both men have dim views of the rules, both men view them as inconvenience. And while Gunn got here by being a slimy bastard, Mabel could give him a run for his money. But when you think about, both men will want to cheat. But one of them will get there first.

Advantage: Billy Gunn

Who Would Win?

In a rather disappointing match, Gunn clunks Mabel with one of the Acolyte's tag title belts as Mabel goes to enter the ring, then keeps the big man out of the ring for 10, winning the match by count out before getting slammed through a table afterwards. Hey, they can't ALL be great matches.

Winner: King Billy Gunn