The Wrestling News Experience: 05.05.08

Posted by Stephen Randle on 05.05.2008

Raw is in Toronto tonight, and I'm on my way there, but first I'll be nice and preview it for you. Plus, Santino fails at life and probably the new, stronger Wellness test, Vince loves...horses, and a Diva Search Contest winner allegedly might have done things for money. Please don't sue me, I'm already broke.

Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I am Stephen Randle, and this weekend, I fixed a toilet. Let me tell you, plumbers earn every penny they make when it comes to toilets. Now, I just want someone to tell me how in the hell my roommate managed to jam an entire bar of soap down the toilet drain. No, I'm not kidding, thank God for toilet augurs.

But in less disgusting news, Mario Kart Wii equals awesome. Granted, I would have chosen some different "classic" tracks, but that's nitpicking. My only real beef is the incredible high rate of blue shells, to the point that you're almost better off staying in second until the last possible chance. Seriously, you're up in first getting hit with every piece of artillery under the sun, and they give you bananas to defend yourself. Where's my Bullet Bill?

Moving on.

What's On Tap - WWE Raw for May 5th

Tonight, Raw is live from Toronto, Ontario, Canada, and I'll be there too (barring any incident with my rental car). But more importantly (though only just), last week William Regal cut the television feed of the Triple H-Randy Orton WWE title match before a winner could be determined, and you can be sure there will be fallout.

Plus, JBL made overt threats towards John Cena following his match last week, and one would suspect that Cena won't take something like that lying down.

And speaking of lying, an aura of uncertainty continues to hang around Shawn Michaels, as Chris Jericho has openly questioned the extent of HBK's knee injury. With Michaels deep in enemy territory tonight and facing one of Canada's favourite sons, sympathy for his cause may be hard to find. How will he fare?

All this, plus maybe Trevor Murdoch will sing again. Hopefully this time he'll do "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy".

Around The Horn

Vince McMahon was seen in attendance at the Kentucky Derby this week. I know what you're thinking. Is he going to do a "racehorses on steroids" joke? Is he going to do a "reference to the size of Vince's genitals" joke? Well, I thought of both of those, and I've decided to go another way. While at the Derby, Vince revealed plans to start his own, more extreme horse racing league, called the QHRL. What the Q stands for was not revealed, but apparently one of the chief differences of Vince's new league is that the horse that finishes first will receive a title belt, and the horse that finishes second will be shot.

Apparently poor ice conditions for Game Five between the Montreal Canadiens and Philadelphia Flyers was blamed on the quick conversion of the arena following the WWE event that took place there this weekend. I guess that explains why Carey Price suddenly couldn't stop the puck midway through the second period.

The latest issue Rolling Stone has insinuated that WWE Diva Ashley used to work for a high-priced escort service, pulling down about 25 grand an evening. Ashley has flatly denied this allegation and is said to be pursuing legal action. Technically, if you average the money she made for winning the Diva Search over the period of time she actually managed to be on TV and un-injured…I think it might work out to 25 grand an evening.

On the heels of a developmental wrestler allegedly having been caught cheating on a Wellness test, WWE has apparently made the policy even stricter. Has anyone noticed that this is about the third time they've made the policy "more restrictive" since it was implemented. Considering that at its creation it was supposedly an even tighter policy than exists in professional sports, how has there been so much wiggle room in the policy for so long? Wait, I'm sorry, I was hallucinating that we lived in a world where people don't do anything to get ahead. Back to regularly scheduled programming.

The Rock turned 36 last week. Yes, he's only 36 and he's accomplished so much more than you ever will. Unless you're rich and famous too. In which case, will you be my friend?

And just to show how much of a jerk he is, Randy Orton waited until after my news report was posted last week to assault a hotel manager with his room service order, days after an interview where he talked about how marriage has "matured" him. Sometimes, you can't make this stuff up. In related news, Orton has apparently asked for some time off from house shows and personal appearances, citing "burnout" and the desire to be around for the birth of his first child. Actually, this is a good thing. It shows he recognizes the signs of when he's slipping over the edge, where on-the-road pranks that aren't actually funny to other people involved in them lurk, ready to create public incidents that the Internet can then use to mock him. Plus, it's his first kid. Who wouldn't want to be at the birth of their first kid? I mean, besides absentee fathers and one night stands. I, myself, plan to be present for my first child's birth. I'll be in the waiting room, handing out cigars.

Just kidding, honey.

On the heels of his replacement in the announce booth, rumours have surfaced that Jonathan Coachman's contract may be up in a few months, and it looks like he might not be retained by WWE, moving on to other broadcasting opportunities. Honestly, Coach got every opportunity you can think of to improve as an announcer, including prime positions in the booth of Raw and Smackdown, and he never managed to find his place. Part of the problem, in my opinion, stems from the fact that they didn't really let him keep his heel persona while behind the booth, leading to bland (though technically decent) commentary better served for a play-by-play announcer. Unfortunately for Coach, they already have a wimpy company guy who's whiter than a polar bear in a snowstorm in the form of Michael Cole, so sadly, Coach will probably hit the road once his contract runs out.

And before I leave this segment, how could I forget the most important piece of news this week, as Santino Marella was arrested last week and was found to be DOA…I mean, DUI. I always get those two mixed up. However, DOA is what Santino might be when word comes down from Vince McMahon, especially in light of the aforementioned tightening of the Wellness program. Although, when you're already a comedy figure who actually doesn't usually win matches (or even wrestle), and has already lost his on-screen arm candy, how much can you really get punished? I suppose the spoiler is that Santino and Carlito will probably lose their tag title match whenever it actually happens. Poor Carlito, he finally gets all motivated and personally brought back by Vince with promises of big things, and this time his partner screws it up for him.

In Case You Missed It

WWE Raw - April 28th

Match Results

- Mickie James, Maria, Kelly Kelly, Ashley, Michelle McCool, and Cherry defeated Beth Phoenix, Layla, Natalya Neidhart, Jillian Hall, Melina, and Victoria (James pinned Jillian, rollup)
- JBL defeated Robbie McAllister (pinfall, Clothesline from Hell)
- London and Kendrick defeated Cade and Murdoch (Kendrick pinned Murdoch, rollup)
- Paul and Katie Lea Burchill defeated Super Crazy (Katie pinned Crazy, Curb Stomp)
- Cody Rhodes defeated Santino Marella (pinfall, DDT)
- Triple H and Randy Orton was stopped by William Regal's decision

Notes

- Trevor Murdoch sang "Friends in Low Places" for Lance Cade after they lost. He was pretty good, actually.

- Mr. Kennedy interrupted William Regal's coronation as King, upset due to not being included in the King of the Ring. A brawl ensued.

- Chris Jericho awarded Shawn Michaels with a trophy for Best Actor in Sports Entertainment. They don't give those to just anybody, you know.

- William Regal ordered the show to go off the air during the main event, while the match was in progress.

ECW on Sci Fi - April 29th

Match Results

- Kofi Kingston defeated Shelton Benjamin (pinfall, Trouble in Paradise)
- Mike Knox defeated Tommy Dreamer (pinfall, corkscrew neckbreaker)
- CM Punk defeated Chuck Palumbo (DQ, Palumbo ignored ref's instructions)
- Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neeley defeated Kane (Chavo pinned Kane, Frog Splash)

Notes

- Mike Adamle and Tazz walked off the broadcast before the main event, resulting in a match with no commentary

- Colin Delaney vs Armando Estrada for Colin's ECW contract and Tommy Dreamer vs Mike Knox in an Extreme Rules match was announced for this week's ECW on Sci Fi

TNA Impact! - May 1st

Match Results

- The Motor City Machine Guns vs Curry Man and Shark Boy went to a no contest (Steiner and Williams interference)
- LAX defeated Eric Young and Kaz to earn a spot in the Deuces Wild tournament (Homicide pinned Eric, rollup)
- ODB and Gail Kim defeated Angelina Love and Velvet Sky (ODB pinned Sky, running powerslam)
- AJ Styles and Super Eric defeated The Rock n Rave Infection to earn a spot in the Deuces Wild tournament (Super Eric pinned Rave, DVD)
- Cheerleader Melissa defeated Daisy Haze (pinfall, Kudo Driver)
- Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle defeated Scott Steiner and Petey Williams (Joe pinned Petey, Muscle Buster)

Notes

- Hector Guerrero agreed to be in LAX's corner for the Deuces Wild tournament

- A "TerrorDome" match was announced for Sacrifice, though the participants and structure were not revealed

- Matt Morgan, Booker T, Sting, Robert Roode, James Storm, Kip James, BG James, and Awesome Kong were announced as the eight singles participants in the Deuces Wild tournament

WWE Smackdown - May 2nd

Match Results

- John Morrison and The Miz defeated Jimmy Wang Yang and Shannon Moore to retain the WWE Tag Team titles (Morrison pinned Moore, Moonlight Ride)
- Vladimir Kozlov defeated Colin Delaney (pinfall, reverse DDT)
- Natalya Neidhart and Victoria defeated Cherry and Michelle McCool (Natalya pinned McCool, rollup with tights)
- Mark Henry defeated Nunzio (pinfall, World's Strongest Slam)
- Matt Hardy defeated MVP to retain the United States title (pinfall, Twist of Fate)
- Ryder and Hawkins defeated Jesse and Festus (Hawkins pinned Jesse, neckbreaker)
- Finlay defeated Julio Dinero (pinfall, Celtic Cross)
- Undertaker vs The Great Khali never officially got underway

Notes

- The Big Show confronted Mark Henry after his match

- Vicki Guerrero stripped Undertaker of the World Heavyweight title, citing his use of an "illegal chokehold" to win matches. Great Khali distracted Undertaker while Ryder and Hawkins stole the belt and delivered it to Vicki

The Injury Bug Bites

Inactive List as of 04.28.08

WWE Raw

- Candice Michelle, out indefinitely as of March 24th (shoulder surgery)
- Jeff Hardy, out 60 days as of March 4th (Wellness suspension)
- Robbie McAllister, out indefinitely as of March 29th (sent home)
- Rory McAllister, out indefinitely as of February 12th (torn pectoral)

WWE Smackdown

- Gregory Helms, out one year as of May 17th, 2007 (neck surgery)
- Kenny Dykstra, out indefinitely as of January 18th (knee)
- Rey Mysterio, out 6-9 months (or maybe weeks) as of February 21 (torn bicep)
- Torrie Wilson, out indefinitely as of December 1st (back)

ECW

- Big Daddy V, out indefinitely (weight problem)
- The Boogeyman, out indefinitely (calf)

TNA

- Abyss, out indefinitely (kayfabe)

Transactions
- Balls Mahoney, ECW, released from his contract

- Cheerleader Melissa, TNA, made TNA debut on Impact

- Daisy Haze, TNA, made TNA debut on Impact

- Dave Taylor, SD!, released from his contract

- Petey Williams, TNA, status uncertain (broken orbital bone)

- Robbie McAllister, RAW, returned to (jobbing) action on April 28th Raw

- The Great Khali, SD!, out 1-2 months as of May 2nd (vacation)

- Tomko, TNA, out indefinitely as of May 1st Impact (suspension)

Who's Holding Gold

Titles are vacating left, right, and center in both organizations, as WWE has pulled Undertaker's World title as we head into Judgment Day. Meanwhile, TNA gears up for Sacrifice and a battle for the vacant tag belts involving…well, most of the roster.

WWE

WWE Champion: Triple H
- 8 day reign, defeated Randy Orton in a Fatal Four-Way Elimination Match involving JBL and John Cena on April 27th (Backlash PPV)
- Next title defense: vs Randy Orton, Steel Cage Match, Judgment Day PPV

**NEW** World Heavyweight Champion: VACANT
- Title vacated on May 2nd Smackdown by GM Vicki Guerrero due to Undertaker's continued illegal use of the gogoplata

ECW Champion: Kane
- 29 day reign, defeated Chavo Guerrero on March 30th (WrestleMania 24)

WWE Intercontinental Champion: Chris Jericho
- 49 day reign, defeated Jeff Hardy on March 10th (Raw)

WWE United States Champion: Matt Hardy
- 8 day reign, defeated MVP on April 27th (Backlash PPV)

World Tag Team Champions: Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly
- 141 day title reign, defeated Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch on December 10th (Raw XV special)

WWE Tag Team Champions: John Morrison and The Miz
- 163 day reign, defeated MVP and Matt Hardy on November 16th (Smackdown)

WWE Women's Champion: Mickie James
- 21 day reign, defeated Beth Phoenix on April 14th (Raw)

TNA

TNA Heavyweight Champion: Samoa Joe
- 15 day reign, defeated Kurt Angle on April 13th (Lockdown PPV)
- Next title defense: vs Scott Steiner and Kurt Angle, Sacrifice PPV

TNA Tag Team Champions: VACANT
- Title vacated on April 17th Impact after Eric Young and Kaz defeated AJ Styles and Tomko in a triple threat match involving LAX via…sigh…illegal interference from Super Eric

TNA X-Division Champion: Petey Williams
- 18 day reign, defeated "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal on April 17th (Impact), "Feast or Fired" briefcase stipulation

TNA Knockouts Champion: Awesome Kong
- 116 day reign, defeated Gail Kim on January 10th (Impact)

Links For Fun And Nonprofit

Byers and Prag have the weekend news reports.

From the glowing box, Borchardt and Michael O have Smackdown, and Byers and Larry have Impact.

Bond has Please Don't Hate.

Chin has The Importance Of.

The Triple Threat talks title changes and Tomko. Hey, alliteration!

Short has The Navigation Log.

Sforcina has The UnDream Match.

Cusson guest-hosts Column of Honor Part One and Part Two

Hubbard has The Wrestling Bard.

Corke has The Seventh Dimension.

And Berman has The Up and Under.

The Gab Bag

Kudos to Jason for making the connection.

"The big news this week is the nearly simultaneous release of information from WWE's marketing department that they desire more African Americans on WWE TV"

"Seriously, when did they decide to name all their new guys after derivations of retired athletes?"

Coming soon: Larry Bonds (if he can get past wellness testing)

Hell, get the real thing. He'd draw heat and he's not doing anything right now anyway.

Oh, and from someone else, this gem.

Please don't give PPV recommendations off the card and whether the matches had the "right" winners. OK? Thanks.

It's my report, I'll do what I want. Please go to hell. OK? Thanks.

See, I can do sarcasm while being facetiously polite too.

And One To Go On

I'd like to take this opportunity to wish departing 411 staffer Ryan Byers the best. Ryan has had arguably one of the more thankless jobs in 411 history, recapping a show that continually disappoints him as a fan, and still doing it with humour and intelligence. Plus, he wrote the best Sunday news report since I used to hold that spot (that's right, I said it, Small). So, here's to you, Ryan.

So many people have left 411 since I started. Damn, I've been here a long time.

411 will have live coverage of Raw in Toronto tonight starting at 9 pm, and if you're lucky, I might give Larry some live notes to post when I get home. Maybe. That's our show, Larry's in tomorrow, I'll be back next week.

Have a good one, and always be a fan.