The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 05.08.08

Posted by Jeff Small on 05.08.2008

Get ready to be MOTIVATED!!!!

And one to start with…

From commenter Arnab, "Man you suck, this poor excuse of a coloumn sucks. What thing of substance do you think was there in this coloumn? If you dont have anything good to write, then just resign."

Uhh…


Welcome to today's theme!

Wait for it…


Wait for it…


Keep waiting….


Yes, yes….


WHAMMY!!!!!!!




Welcome back to another bootythumping edition of the Thursday Small-For-All News Report. While I cannot promise any more usage of Sinead O' Conner or any more nudie pics of William Regal (unfortunately), I can state with 95% confidence that there will be more Great Khali pictures! Seriously, I received a bunch more Khali eating chicken pictures after last week's news report. The best part was that they were all pretty pretty pretty good. Unlike my photoshopping skills (which is pretty piss-poor), I am impressed with everyone's skillz. So yes, the Khali pictures will continue until I receive no more. And after that, we go back to our original target: making fun of JT!



Man, this will never get old! In today's edition, we continue our discussions on the Great Khali, laugh at the suckers who paid $25,000 to talk to Ashley, shed a tear with the Coach, and most importantly, ignore TNA for another week!


NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Weekly Khali News Update

Seeing as we are one week removed from the Great Khali, I would be remiss if I did not speak upon all of the news tidbits that have floated around the internet. First off, the ridiculous:

According to the Press Trust of India, "India's first-ever World Wrestling Entertainment champion, Daleep Singh Rana, popularly known as Khali, today claimed their bitterly fought bouts were all real and not stage managed as perceived by the masses…"Everything whatever you see out there is real. Sometimes wrestlers receive serious injuries, and even die on the ring. There is no way of manipulation by media," Khali told PTI-Bhasha."

This seems like one of those interviews that are written by the trusty WWE staff. In other words, it's all kayfabe. Considering India doctored all of their Khali footage to make him look like a hero, this is just the next step in protecting his aura. Either that or the writer of the article is this man:



Another excellent Khali mention comes from Stone Cold Steve Austin! According to IndianTimes.com, ""The Great Khali and I are good buddies," Austin said. "Khali's a very nice guy, we get along very well. While we were shooting for The Longest Yard, we used to work out together. I'll never forget the time when Khali walked into the women's loo in the gym by mistake! The girls were hysterical and Khali was so embarrassed!"

Now that's a mental image that I do not want to imagine. Or is it?

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Nah, it's too obscene even for me.

Lastly, during an interview with BBC News, Khali mentioned other possible ring names that were proposed to him. "Khali himself proposed the name 'Big Bhima', which he got from an Indian movie. The names 'Giant Singh' and 'Lord Shiva' were also discussed, but ultimately rejected due to concerns that they would offend Indians. Khali ended up taking his name from Kali, an Indian goddess with destructive powers."

So Khali took his name from an Indian goddess… interesting. I think the Giant Singh would have been my top choice for a name but if it would have offended his massive fanbase, I can understand why they chose not to use it. You know Khali must have been a great deal considering the WWE allowed him to pitch ideas for his name. You best believe Kofi Kingston never had a chance to pick his name. Neither did Saba Simba.

Overall, I find it very impressive that Khali has been able to generate more press about his leave from wrestling than anything he did during his two year reign in the big league. There was not nearly as much press when he won the World Championship for Christ's sake! Kudos to the big WWE marketing machine, the Great Khali, his impressive moveset, his neverending supply of charisma, and most importantly, his lack of chest hair – all together, it makes one pretty package that is ripe for the media's taking. Oh and who could forget his diet?


Much love to reader Eric for this picture

Skanky Snappin'

The one item that has sent the IWC in a tizzy this week revolves around a Rolling Stone story. Yes, the Rolling Stone magazine that used to actually matter before it dissolved into another crappy airline rag. Sorry, I'm quite bitter that there aren't any good magazines to read while waiting for a plane (and WWE Kidz doesn't count). Anyway, according to an article in the most recent edition of the Rolling Stone, Ashley Massarro was linked to a popular LA escort service. According to the article, Ashley was paid $25,000 a night to meet with clients.

Personally, I do not see what the big deal about this is. Ashley was part of this service a year before she tried out for the Diva Search. Considering she had already done Playboy, we can easily believe that Ashley had no problem using her best assets for money. I see no problem with this. I mean, it's quite obvious that all strippers are college women needing money to pay through school. So Ashley needed a little bit of cash to continue her modeling career. Nothing wrong with that. Oh and for those who mock the horny men who paid $25,000 to "talk" to her, back in 2004, Ashley looked a lot better than she does now. I doubt any of you would not have "hit that." Maybe not for $25,000, but at least she's a better bargain than Eliot Spitzer's hooker.

Free as a black bird

More fun Michael Hayes talk! According to the Wrestling Observer, "It has just come out that SmackDown head writer Michael Hayes was not shy about making Ku Klux Klan-related jokes in company meetings. One source said, "He was not shy about making jokes about white hoods, etc., in agent meetings." Also, if you've ever wondered why there are no minority road agents in WWE, the source added, "Look at the environment. Not one person of color in the agent meetings, only Butch Reed, who lasted two days. Trust me, Hayes was not the only one in that room to make comments like that."

In 2007, the WWE was saddled with a multitude of injuries that left both of their rosters depleted. In 2008, the WWE has been hit with drug use (thanks Jeff Hardy), DUI (thanks LiLo), the Whizzinator (see below), and racism. While none of these (except for Hardy) directly impacted their booking, it clearly shows that a lot of work is still needed behind the scenes. Again, I do not believe they should have fired Michael Hayes, but they needed to make a strong statement to start curbing these racial comments. We'll see in the upcoming months whether anything has changed or if the White Boy's club will return once Hayes's suspension is over. To keep you all busy during this suspension, I suggest you try out the WWE's most recent stab to hook their younger audience: a coloring book.



I had a budgie but it died

In other sad news (well happy news for Hayes), the Coach has taken a position as an anchor at ESPN. Good luck to the Coach in all of his future endeavors!

While I was never a huge Coach fan, he definitely made his presence felt during his nine year stint in the WWE. Let's take a look back at memory lane. Of course, most involve the Rock.

The Beginning



Wrestlemania X8



The Heel Turn Heard Round the World



A WTF moment if you ever saw one!

Musical Chairs!



His Final Match



Farewell, Coach.

Wassupwitdat?

According to wtsbradio.com out of North Carolina, "WWE Star Gregory Helms was assaulted at the Johnston County Club in Smithfield, North Carolina early Tuesday morning. The report states that Helms was "assaulted by an acquaintance while at the N&N Sports Bar on South Equity Drive in Smithfield around 1:10am. Smithfield Police were summoned to the business after an altercation between Helms and Dustin Curtis Narron, 29, of Selma Nc."

It's unfortunate to see this happen to Helms. While not much is known about the story, clearly, Helms is in no condition to have a barroom brawl seeing as he has a few months of recovery left. This is clearly not the way you want to see Helms in the news. Here's hoping that the assault left no serious injuries to the American Gringo and that he will be good as new in a few months. Perhaps by that time, the WWE could throw Helms in another neverending feud with Matt Hardy!


NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Quick N Dirty TNA Notes

From all the usual sources:

Kurt Angle will be hosting a new reality series for SpikeTV called "Caught in the Action" which will feature hidden camera footage."

I wonder if any footage of him and Dawn Marie will be used! Shazaam!

Matt Morgan will be apart of this season's American Gladiators after all.

Here's hoping he has another stuttering gimmick!

LAX possibly could be receiving a larger push in the near future

Sadly, the image of TNA's tag titles have dropped immensely since the last time LAX held the belts.

Yup, that's it. It's a damn slow week in TNA especially considering they have a PPV on Sunday.

TNA Sacrifice Rundown

Here's the card for those who haven't cared in weeks:

TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:
Samoa Joe © vs. "Big Poppa Pump" Scott Steiner vs. Kurt Angle

TNA KNOCKOUTS MAKEOVER BATTLE ROYAL:
The winner receives a shot at the Women's Championship while the runner-up gets her head shaved!
Gail Kim (immunity) vs. ODB vs. Traci Brooks vs. Velvet Sky vs. Angelina Love vs. Jacqueline vs. Christy Hemme vs. Roxxi Laveaux vs. Rhaka Khan vs. Salinas

DEUCES WILD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT:
Featuring Team 3D, The Latin American Xchange, AJ Styles & Super Eric, Christian Cage & Rhino and the Egotistical Eight: (Sting, Robert Roode, Matt Morgan, BG James, Booker T, Awesome Kong, James Storm, Kip James)

THE TERRORDOME MATCH
Featuring Cheatum the Midget

Yup, that's it. While it sounds quite bare, the Deuces Wild tournament will comprise 85% of the show. Considering I still do not comprehend the rules behind the tournament and this show has no appeal to me. We'll see if Larry likes it on Sunday!

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Yeah, I totally shot my load with those fake motivational posters halfway through the news report. Here's hoping some of you enjoyed them. Until next week…

Meehan's in tomorrow.

For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!