Lansdell's Sunday Brunch News Report 05.11.08

Posted by Chris Lansdell on 05.11.2008

What do this column and Sacrifice have in common? One has No Byers, the other has No Buyers.

Greetings, humanity! Welcome to the first issue of your new Sunday morning news fix: Lansdell's Sunday Brunch! My name is Chris, and I'll be your waiter.

For starters this week, I want to acknowledge the work of my predecessor in this column, the inimitable Ryan Byers. Enough gushing and stuff have been done towards Ryan since last week's announcement, so suffice it to say that I know I have some huge shoes to fill, and I will do my best to at least come close. Now then, let's look at the buffet table!

Nick Hogan Sentenced!
Torrie Wilson released!
Umaga on the move!
Angle injured?
Helms attacked!
Hardy's coming back!
Million Dollar Autobiography!
Random Video Interlude!
Sacrifice Preview!



Are we all sitting comfortably? Then let's begin!

Nick Bollea (Hogan) sentenced to 8 months in jail

Where to begin? First, this is nowhere near enough, in my mind. I'm not familiar enough with the Florida justice system to know if this is standard, or if he got off lightly, but in my mind drag racing, while over the limit, while underage, is bad enough. When you add in the injuries, there is no way this irresponsible little punk should be able to poke his head out of jail this decade. The full sentence:

8-months in the county jail starting immediately.
5-years probation.
500-hours of community service, none of which can be performed by public speaking.
No alcohol consumption for five years.
Drivers license revoked for three years.

Ridiculous. Only 3 years with no license? And as for the 5 years, no alcohol thing...HE'S 17!!!!! He would only legally be able to drink for one of those years!

Notes from the courtroom say that Nick appeared satisfied with the sentence, which was later confirmed by his lawyer. The judge apparently took into account that Nick has been fundraising for brain trauma research, and allegedly the Hogan family has done a lot for the Graziano family since the incident. And well they should have. There was a bargain made with Nick to cap jail time at 1 year if he pleaded no contest, but in that case give the man, or rather boy, a full year!

I know there are those who will say that 8 months in jail is enough to seriously change a person, and for someone Nick's age it may well act as a deterrent. But for the millions of people who watch him on TV every week, they'll see this guy getting off "lightly", and wonder what there is to stop them.


Torrie Wilson has been released by WWE

Reports now indicate that Torrie asked for a release. Earlier in the week, we heard that Torrie's doctor had recommended she never wrestle again, due to issues with her back. I was actually surprised to hear this, because I never actually saw Torrie wrestle. Flop around in the ring, fluff some moves, and look anorexic, sure. Her official release came towards the end of the week. According to her official site, Torrie will concentrate on her clothing store Jaded, which recently opened in Texas.

I'm struggling to feel bad about this. No doubt Torrie could have stayed on with WWE in a non-competitor role, doing interviews or being eye candy for some vanilla muscle dude. Vince has a history of rewarding longevity, and Torrie's been around a good while. But when I thought about it...what has she really done? I enjoyed the Flair angle, and she was pretty good as Tajiri's geisha, but aside from that...meh. And yes, that includes the Dawn Marie – Al Wilson nonsense. Besides, anything that means I don't have to see this on my TV:


SKELETORRIE!



Umaga to SmackDown?

Vince McMahon, at the WWE shareholders' meeting, stated that the Samoan Bulldozer, Umaga, will likely be switching brands soon. I am all for this move. The only big feud he hasn't done on Raw is Michaels, who could well be on the move himself. He's lost feuds to both HHH and Cena, so a move to the Blue Brand gives him so fresh opponents to rough up, before the rumoured program with Undertaker. I don't particularly want to see Umaga-Batista again, but Taker, Edge, MVP, even Rey would all be good opponents for him. Plus there are the obligatory big man feuds with Mark Henry, Big Show, Big Daddy V, and possibly Bam Neely and Kane. As long as he wins his fair share and gets a good title push out of the move, then everybody wins!


Kurt Angle injured, likely to be OK for Sunday

Well, that could suck. Angle was apparently dropped on his head during a match in Korea, and was hurt badly enough to miss two house shows leading up to Sacrifice. With Angle's history of neck problems, this seems to be a smart precaution, but given that same history, what on earth was he thinking, letting someone drop him on his head? I have yet to see a reliable report that says how it happened, so it could have been a mistake, but knowing Angle and his "fans first, myself never" attitude, it would not surprise me if he volunteered for a head bump.

I fervently hope that Kurt Angle realises what he's doing to himself before he turns into Dynamite Kid. Kurt's neck is fused seven ways from Sunday, he's lost a ton of weight and muscle mass, and he looks spent. The problem is, he can still go and he knows it. He won't step away as long as he's riding this high, maybe because he feels he'd be letting his fans down, or maybe because he's scared he couldn't get his spot back if he did. For his own sake, I hope somebody introduces him to Dynamite before it's too late.


A Hurricane walks into a bar...

In the "storm in a teacup" category comes this piece of news. To hear it reported on some inferior sites, Helms basically fought for his life. On his MySpace page (not touching that one...), however, Helms has said that it was one guy trying to make a name for himself, who only took a swing once he saw people were holding Gregory back. He then goes on a diatribe against people who pick fights with wrestlers.

Nothing really to add here, except to say that it's refreshing to see a celebrity, no matter how minor, who knows how to handle a potentially dangerous situation. Too often we hear about sports stars, particularly, who just don't have the ability to reign their tempers in and walk away. Kudos to Mr Helms.


Has it been 60 days already? Jeff's on the way back

The question is, what will he be doing, and with whom? Jericho is either feuding or teaming with Shawn Michaels, so it's unlikely that Hardy will be getting the IC belt back. Kennedy is busy with King GM Regal, Umaga has virtually disappeared and is likely on his way to Fridays, and Cena is busy with JBL. Orton-HHH is going to end at Judgement Day, so either of those two gentlemen would be available, but therein lies the rub: will Jeff be allowed that high on the card?

Remember, this is his second strike. When Jeff left TNA it was because of no-shows and unreliability. He went there in the first place because of an alleged addiction to painkillers. With so much scrutiny on sports in general right now, I don't think you can risk putting Jeff in a title push and then getting caught again. Not until he's had a couple of clean tests and shown he's back on the wagon.


The book won't be the same without the laugh

Ted DiBiase's autobiography, which is being published in conjunction with WWE, is due to be released on June 10th. This is great news on a couple of fronts. First, DiBiase came up through the territories and has been in WWF and WCW, so he's bound to have a ton of good stories. The thing I enjoyed most about Flair's and Jericho's books was the look back at the old system, and the way things were behind the curtain. DiBiase can give us that, but also talk about growing up in a wrestling household AND raising his son in one.

Second, as the man still works for the E, he will likely be around to promote the book. ANYTHING that gets DiBiase on my TV is good news. He was one of the most under appreciated, underrated guys, both in the ring and on the mic, in WWF history. His gimmick was money (see what I did there?) and never seemed to get old. My recollection of the late 80s and early 90s is a little hazy, but I don't remember ever seeing DiBiase-Savage, DiBiase-Steamboat, or DiBiase-Hennig, all of which would have been great. I can't help but think that, if Hogan had not been the golden boy in that time, we would have seen Ted DiBiase, WWF champion.

Third, with his son in FCW and Ted being on TV, there's every chance that we might get to see the young Ted DiBiase Jr on one of the big shows. Ted Jr has been wrestling dark matches before Smackdown and by all accounts looks good. What better time to bring him up and have him feud with Santino, Carlito or even Cody Rhodes? Having his dad in his corner to start with, possibly cutting a promo or two, would instantly give the crowd a reason to react to him, something that a lot of younger guys have struggled with when coming to the main roster.

In summary?


Numerous purchases!

Random Video Interlude!

Pure, unadulterated awesome.

This whole clip is just great. Don't make the mistake I did, and stop before the end, because the funniest part is about 4 minutes in.



The Sacrifice is watching the thing

TNA presents Sacrifice 2008 tonight, LIVE on PPV from the Impact Zone in Orlando. A very talented man is the Round Table moderator, and as always we got you covered for LIVE coverage starting tonight at 8pm Eastern.

Sacrifice by the numbers!

-This will be the 4th annual Sacrifice pay per view. The first one was held in August of 2005, the others have all been in May.

Deuces Wild Tag Team Tournament

This is the third time the tag team titles have been up for grabs at Sacrifice. On the previous two occasions, the champions retained. Of course, we will be crowning new champions tonight.
If her team's match goes before the Battle Royale, Awesome Kong will be the first woman to wrestle at Sacrifice PPV.
This is the Sacrifice début for Awesome Kong, Booker T and Matt Morgan. Oh, alright, and Super Eric.
Sting is 1-0-1 at Sacrifice, 1-0 in tag matches. Robert Roode is 3-0, 1-0 in tags. BG James is 1-0, the win coming in a tag match. Kip James is 1-2, with all three matches being tags. Well, one was a handicap, but was supposed to be a tag match. James Storm is 1-2, 1-1 in tags. AJ Styles is 0-2. LAX are 0-1. Rhino is 1-2, with the win coming in a tag match. Christian Cage is 1-0-1, with no tag matches. Team 3D are 1-1.
Previously, TNA had been staunch opponents of man-on-woman violence. How they get around that will be interesting.

The TERRORDOME!11!!!!one!eleventy!!

Nobody knows what it is, outside of TNA.
Consequences Creed, Curry Man, Kaz, Jimmy Rave and Johnny Devine are all making their Sacrifice débuts in this match.
Chris Sabin is 2-1 at Sacrifice, Alex Shelley is 0-2, Shark Boy is 1-0, Sonjay Dutt is 1-2 and Jay Lethal is 0-2.
With the injury to X-Division champion Petey Williams, there is some speculation that the match may be for the title instead of a title shot. If that happens, it will be the second time the X-Division title was up for grabs at Sacrifice.

Makeover Knockouts Battle Royale

All the Knockouts are making their in-ring débuts at Sacrifice.
If this match goes on before Awesome Kong's tag match, it will be the first match containing a woman at Sacrifice.
This will also be the first women's ladder match in a major promotion in North American wrestling history.
The match will be the first battle royale AND the first ladder match at Sacrifice.

TNA Heavyweight Title – Samoa Joe vs Kurt Angle vs Scott Steiner

This will be the third time the world title has been defended at Sacrifice. Technically, the title changed hands in 2007, but was later held up.
Kurt Angle is 0-0-1 at Sacrifice, Samoa Joe is 2-0 and Scott Steiner is 0-2.
This is the fourth three-way match to take place at Sacrifice. All 3 of the previous ones were for a title. Only one of them had the title change hands, the World title, but the decision was later overturned.

For a promotion that has a reputation for overbooking, cramming too many people on to cards, and using too many gimmick matches and ideas, Sacrifice '08 is doing nothing to improve that image for TNA. However, if you look below the surface, the potential for some good matches is there in the Deuces Wild, the Terrordome might end up being the best idea since the Elimination Chamber, and Angle-Joe-Steiner could easily crack ****. The IWC, and I am not exempting myself from this, has a tendency to crap on all things TNA before they happen, because of their track record. I try to give them a chance, and crap on them afterwards if it doesn't come off. Unfortunately I won't be watching tonight, as Mrs Lansdell is having a Survivor party, but I will be following the live commentary.

That's all for this week. Don't forget to tip your waiter, please recycle the paper, and have a wonderful day!

Lansdellicious – Out.