The Happy-Go-Sucky Wrestling Report: 5.14.08

Posted by Dustin James on 05.14.2008

I'm not Steve Sullivan, but it's still the Happy-Go-Sucky!

Hey, look it here! I'm not Steve Sullivan. No, I'm much uglier and smell much worse than Sullivan. That's right, my name is Dustin James. My main gig here on 411 is the 411 MMA rankings which you can check out every Thursday! Also a few weeks back I covered Meehan's MEETHINKS FRIDAY FREETHINKS. So read that if you haven't yet.

It's just my luck, I substitute on a week where news is slower than a relay race at the Special Olympics. But bare with me folks! I did manage to find some news, plus I also managed to review HALF of the final episode of the Clash of the Champions. So what am I waiting for? Let's get this party started..........

WWE 24/7: Final Clash of the Champions

First off, if you don't have WWE 24/7, what is wrong with you? You call yourself a wrestling fan??? I must admit that A HUGE dose of my wrestling love comes from WWE 24/7 rather then current WWE programming. So sue me if I would much rather watch a Monday Night RAW from 1997, rather than one of those horrible episodes from 2008. I'm still a wrestling fan, I just can't deal with what they are putting out in front of us today. It's been almost 2-3 years now since I have seen a RAW or Smackdown in it's entirety. True I will turn the channel over and check them out every once in a while, but then I will see something like Hornswoggle wrestling in the King of the Ring tournament. WHAT?!?!?!?! That's the biggest reason for my hatred towards the WWE product today. 10 years ago their big storyline was Mr. McMahon vs. Steve Austin. Now? We have Mr. McMahon trying to make a dwarf's live a living hell. Mmmmmm kay.

Which brings me to this...!! I recently sat down and watched a little WWE 24/7 and got a chance to view PART 1 of WCW's Final Clash of the Champions. I decided that The Happy-Go-Sucky News Report could use a little 24/7 love, and since Larry does a great job covering the Monday Night WARS, I figured I would cover PART 1 of the final Clash of the Champions and give you guys a sense of the goodness (sometimes) that is WWE 24/7.......



The Final Clash Of The Champions

-The show starts off with a recap of Nitro. Sting comes out and grabs J.J. Dillon and POINTS to signs all over the arena that say "Sting Wants Hogan" or something of that caliber. I feel sorry for Dillon here. He has to play the "I don't get it, what do you want Sting???" guy, when even my 4 year old nephew with down syndrome knows that Sting wants Hogan. WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN JJ? Either way, this was probably WCW's best booked feud ever......but they fucked it up at the end because they are WCW and that's what they do.

WCW United States Title
-Jeff Jarrett w/ Debra McMichael vs. Steve "Mongo" McMichael

Oh boyyyyyyyy. MONGO! This guy was such a bad Horseman that he makes Paul Roma look like friggin Tully Blanchard. To Jarrett's credit, he tries making MONGO look good here.....but there are such tasks that are impossible. Jarrett tries getting the crowd going, but MONGO sucks so bad he just makes everybody want to die. FINALLY after about 5-6 minutes of boring rest holds and stalling, Eddie Guerrero comes out of nowhere and accidentally hits Jarrett with a title which allows MONGO to pin Jarrett and become the worst US champion in WCW history. After the match Debra tries to make up with MONGO, but he won't have any of it because MONGO don't love da ho's.

Winner: Steve "MONGO" McMichael

Interview with "Das Wunderkind" Alex Wright

Eeeeeeeewwwwwwwww. I hated Alex Wright. When he made his debut on WCW TV and was dancing like a fairy, I could not understand why he was playing a face. Well, here is where WCW is trying to make him a heel.....and failing miserably. Why? Because it's Alex Wright! The interview is just Wright trying to be a heel, making bad jokes about Ultimo Dragon followed by dancing that would make Richard Simmons blush. How does HHH feel about Wright's dancing?



.......he thinks he's a better dancer, that's what!

Interview with TBS' Dinner & A Movie Paul Gilmartin

Once again........

Ewwwwwwwwwww!!! Remember that show on TBS? Dinner and a movie? Why, oh WHY did WCW think it was a good idea to join forces with this show? I know you are on the same channel and all....but c'mon. They even went as far as to make the host, Paul Gilmartin, join the nWo in an angle so bad that I can remember it clear as day to this day. Gosh WCW sucked major balls.

"Raven's Rules"
Raven vs. Stevie Richards

FINALLY! I had been watching this shit for well over 20 minutes just praying that something awesome would show up, and here we go! I'm a HUGE fan of Raven, as well as a HUGE fan of "Dancin" Stevie Richards. Since Raven is an "unsigned free agent" right now, he only agrees to wrestle Richards if it's "Raven's Rules" meaning NO DQ. That stipulation doesn't mean anything til the end of the match when Raven finally breaks out a chair and uses it to defeat Richards. It was a decent little match that saw Richards maybe use 3 moves on offense. It's too bad WCW treated Richards like a jobber, I always thought he had the potential to be great. His WCW run was one of those "blink and you miss it" moments. However the dude has managed to achieve 10 years of employment from the WWE now. Kudos to Stevie!

Winner: Raven

WCW TV Title
-Ultimo Dragon vs. Alex Wright

GRRRRREEEATTT. Alex Wright again. It must be my lucky day! I always hated how WCW couldn't decide to call him "Ultimo" or "Ultimate". JUST CALL HIM ULTIMO DRAGON! By the way, Ultimo Dragon owned all sorts of ass! This match was your typical Wright match. First 3 minutes were rest holds and right when the match starts to pick up, Alex Wright shocks 10 people in the crowd and wins the TV title. WCW REALLY wanted to get Wright over as a heel. Why? BEATS ME!

WCW Cruiserweight Title
-Chris Jericho vs. Eddie Guerrero

Eddie Guerrero was a fantastic heel. When he first entered WCW, I had no interest in him. He was a generic, hand slapping, smiling babyface who had no personality. However when WCW decided to turn Eddie heel......it was over. Everybody saw the greatness that was Eddie! This was a fun little match with Jericho screwing up a top rope move in the middle of it. Jericho however wins with a roll-up and not the fruit kind. The match could have been better had it been longer than 5-6 minutes. Eddie goes crazy after the match and attacks Jericho.

Stay tuned to my blog on 411 for PART 2 of the final Clash of the Champions........

Now, on with the chlorophyll.....I mean, news........

News: American Gladiators last night did a 2.9 fast national rating which is not good and may put the future of the show in question.

Happy: This is good news for those of you who are not a fan of the new American Gladiators. However, if you are a fan of the show just keep your head up. The show was just returning from a hiatus so maybe the ratings will improve. Plus, the show has Gina Carano on it and that always falls under the "happy" category.

Sucky: The shows rating has dropped significantly. Back in January I remember some of the episodes pulling in 5.5's and 5.8's. That means that almost half the audience didn't tune in to watch the shows return. A great portion of the shows audience could have came due to the writer's strike. A lot of shows didn't have new episodes, so networks were forced to put on any kind of new original programming they could. Now that the writer's strike is over and a lot of shows are back and almost ready to churn out some season finales, this is not good news for an unestablished show like the new American Gladiators.

News: Umaga expected to switch brands.

Happy: Umaga is a rare breed for me. What can I possibly mean? He's one of the few wrestler's in WWE right now that I actually LIKE. Umaga moving to Smackdown (or EwwwCW?!?!) opens the possibility of Umaga moving up in the ranks, and maybe getting that World Title push we all know the E wants to give him! Remember that Royal Rumble brawl with Cena? That ranks as one of my favorite matches I have seen in the past 3 years.

Sucky: Earlier when I mentioned that I hardly watch wrestling at all anymore, that's not entirely true. I will catch the big PPV's and sometimes I will catch a half hour of RAW. But one thing I NEVER do is watch ECW or Smackdown. Which makes this news craptastic. What if I want to watch YOU-MANGA now? You are telling me I'm forced to watch Smackdown and sit through the crap known as Batista? PLEASE.

News: Backlash 2009 set for the Dunkin Donuts Center in Providence, Rhode Island.

Happy: This is huge news for the natives of Rhode Island. The WWE really is the world wide leader of sports entertainment isn't it? I can only hope Jeff Hardy won't have any visa problems trying to get into Rhode Island.

Sucky: This is only sucky for fans who wanted Backlash to happen in the United States. Oh, and for WWE wrestler's who hate foreign countries.

News: Torrie Wilson Released By WWE.

Happy: I know this is sort of old news by now, but seeing as I have somewhat of a history with Torrie, I will comment on it. I was there for Torrie Wilson's WWE debut. You know....the Monday Night RAW in Tacoma, Washington that had the HORRIBLE main event of Buff Bagwell vs. Booker T. Ya, I was there LIVE! (I was also in attendance at WWE Unforgiven in Portland, Oregon where Tyson Tomko had that historically horrible match with Stevie Richards, woe is me!) The good news about Torrie's release from the WWE is simple, she never improved her in-ring skills. The WWE gave her countless opportunities to improve upon her in-ring skills, and it just never happened. While other women wrestler's like Candace Michelle and Melina improve, it just seemed that Wilson only cared about getting by on her looks alone, which was fine until she posed for Playboy. Then it became a "Ya, seen it......NEXT!" I suppose another piece of good news coming out of this story is it pretty much guarantees that we will never have another WWE appearance by Al Wilson. Ugh. Just saying that name gives me chills.

Sucky: The sucky part of this story? Torrie's brother owns a bar in my home town called Wilson's. Whenever the WWE guy's came into town they would usually stop by Wilson's for some free beers and good times. However, now that Torrie is no longer a WWE employee.....that probably won't happen anymore, and that sucks. It was always quite an eye-opener watching somebody like Billy Kidman playing darts with Gregory Helms. Times I will miss for sure. And no, I never got into a bar brawl with Gregory Helms.

News: Nick Hogan Sentenced To 8 Months In Jail

Happy: Nick Hogan is somebody who's ass I would love to kick. He obviously thought he was above everybody else and was thinking "Hell, I'm a celebrity......I can do 130 MPH and get away scot-free if I'm pulled over". Well, something much worse happened because YOU WRECKED THE CAR AND PARALYZED YOUR FRIEND YOU DOUCHE. The thing that really pisses me off about this story is the fact that Hogan supposedly showed up to the hospital and proceeded to skate around the facility while his friend was unable to move in his bed. Now that I think about it, there's nothing happy at all about this story, this little bitch should have went away for 10 years. Pathetic chump.

Sucky: I believe I just mentioned the sucky part of the deal, the fact that Hogan wasn't given a longer sentence. Not to mention he is not suppose to have alcohol consumption for up to 5 years. The kid is 17! That's not a punishment. Something more needs to be done here. The Hogan's get to go about their luxurious lives while this poor kid and his family have to suffer the rest of there's. You think money is going to make them happy? I bet they would trade that money in to see their son walk again. Oh, and I heard a rumor that Hulk Hogan wants to put on a benefit concert. I can see it now........





News: WWE to release energy drink with "special ingredient"*

Happy: This is a news story that I'm surprised nobody else has posted. The WWE is getting into the Red Bull/Rockstar/Wired market and is planning on releasing an energy drink with a "special ingredient" from one of the WWE divas. Well, one would assume that maybe it would be a poster or perhaps a calendar......

Sucky: Nope.........



That Kelly Kelly, such a prankster.

*The above was not actually a real news story. The picture just needed to be posted.

News: Bobby Lashley's No-Compete Clause Ends

Happy: I guess if you are Bobby Lashley or a fan of Bobby Lashley then this piece of news should make you pretty excited. However, if you were a fan of WWE's Bobby Lashley, then this piece of news makes you sad. How do I feel about it? Well, I just want to see Lashley enter MMA and get his ass kicked. Do I think he has a chance of shining in the world of MMA? Sure. He has size, fantastic wrestling skills, etc. He just needs to work on his stand-up game as well as submissions and submission defense. Don't think submission defense is important? Just ask Brock Lesnar. If he would have had ONE clue about Frank Mir or submission defense he wouldn't have left his leg wide open for Mir to grab. Good luck Lashley, you are going to need it.

Sucky: It only sucks if you are Vince McMahon and your next prized pupil pulls this on you:



News: TNA is teasing that "disturbing footage" of Abyss will air on this Thursday's Impact!

Happy: Well, If I'm Abyss I'm happy. Why? Because I finally get to get back in the ring. And even I have to admit that somewhere out there, there is somebody who is anticipating his return. Maybe it's not me, maybe it's not Csonka, but it might be 12 year old Michael Graham from Houston, Texas. I bet he's a HUGE Abyss fan.....if he even exists.

Sucky: The sucky part is easy. It's the fact that TNA is planning on airing some "disturbing footage". I was around during Vince Russo's WWE/WCW hell days, and I remember some pretty "disturbing footage" airing. Mae Young giving birth to a hand anybody? I guess all we can hope for is that the "disturbing footage" TNA plans to air is just a seven series match pitting Abyss against Kevin Nash.

News: WWE has announced that Mickie James will defend her title against Beth Phoenix and Melina at Backlash.

Happy: Hmmm, I love me some Mickie James. And no, we aren't related, but I'm pretty sure I'm related to LeBron James. People say we look a lot alike. I'm actually semi jazzed for this match. Mickie James has been known to bring the RASSLIN as well as Melina and Phoenix. Plus, whenever I get a chance to see Mickie James again, it's always a happy moment.

Sucky: The big downfall of this match is the fact that it's a triple threat. For the record, I dislike triple threat matches. I just never cared for them that much. ECW did a great job with them back in the day, as the 3 way dance at Barely Legal remains one of my personal all-time favorite matches. However, a triple threat women's match just sounds like a disaster.

(PS: Do you think anybody reading this column still thinks I think Rhode Island is actually a country? I guess we will have to check the comments section......)

News: Kevin Thorn is still working out of FCW, and is back to the "vampire" gimmick.

Happy: .....news for Kevin Thorn

Sucky: ......news for everybody else

News: HHH and Kevin McKidd (from HBO's Rome) are both being considered for the main role in the upcoming "Thor" movie. The film is scheduled for a late spring 2010 release.

Happy: HHH needs this part! The dude was born to play Thor. I'm totally happy that HHH is still being considered for Thor. To me it just seems like it's the part that HHH was born to play. HHH is big, check. HHH has a hammer, check. HHH has semi-blondish hair, check. There ya go, stop the casting calls. You have officially found your Thor.

Sucky: It's just sucky that they are considering some douche flame from HBO's Rome over HHH. IT'S THE ROLE HHH WAS BORN TO PLAY! If you really want to consider anybody else for the Thor part, then there is really only one other person besides HHH who can get the part and would make me happy......


"Thor" from "Adventures In Babysitting"!


Oh c'mon. You know you love that movie. Plus it's back when Elisabeth Shue was H-O-T! She still kind of is, but it's not the "cool" thing to admit anymore.

News: WWE's Saturday Night's Main Event will return on Saturday August 2nd. It will air on NBC, but this time at 9PM ET as a one-hour special.

Happy: I personally love one-hour wrestling shows. Thanks to my ADD, I get bored rather easily. One-hour wrestling shows usually feed you 3-4 short matches, a few storylines, with hardly any filler. I'm one of those guys who hates filler. Short wrestling shows are forced to cram stuff down your throat fast, and for a guy with ADD like myself.....it's great.

Sucky: Well, if you are a fan of 2+ hour wrestling shows then this is horrible news for you. And, if you are a fan of the midcard guys this is bad news for you. With just one hour of TV time on NBC, do you really think the WWE is going to showcase somebody like Cody Rhodes, or Carlito? Nope. They need time for the Cena's, H's, Batista's, Undertaker's, HBK's, etc. You won't see Shelton Benjamin on this card.

News: The Warrior has training sessions scheduled in California this week, in an effort to get in shape for his return to the ring. It was thought that he would be visiting Rick Bassman's UPW, but that is not the case. Warrior will be going to California, but will be training with former ECW and WWE star Rob Van Dam.

Happy: Somehow, someway, somebody HAS to video tape these training sessions! I mean, these things would be friggin YouTube gold. The Warrior is a freaking maniac, and RVD is a well known pot head. In my experience on the mean street's of Oregon, there is nothing a pot head hates worse than a maniac. Pot heads love to be relaxed and calm. The Warrior is the exact opposite. He runs around speaking crazy nonsense that would blow RVD's buzz. I would pay good money to see a "That 70's Show" type circle with Warrior, & RVD.

Sucky: It's always sucky when The Warrior is thinking of entering the ring. My biggest question is "What the hell is RVD thinking?" I guess the big-time suckiness of this news item is the fact that these training sessions will not be recorded and shown on YouTube. Like I mentioned before, these would be COMEDY GOLD! COMEDY GOLD PEOPLE~!

Happy-Go-Sucky World Title Contenders

This is totally Steve's thing, so I will not touch it. He should have an update for you next week though!

The Happy-Go-Sucky Time Portal
Changes in bold

1 Year Ago 5.14.07

WWE Champ: John Cena
WWE World Heavyweight Champ: **NEW** Edge (Defeated The Undertaker 5.8.07)
ECW World Heavyweight Champ: Vince McMahon
WWE IC Champ: Santino Marella
WWE US Champ: Chris Benoit
WWE World Tag Team Champs: Matt & Jeff Hardy
WWE Tag Team Champs: Deuce & Domino
WWE Women's Champ: Melina

TNA World Champ: **NEW** Vacant (The title was declared vacant after Jim Cornette stripped Kurt Angle)
TNA X Division Champ: Chris Sabin
TNA Tag Team Champs: Team 3-D


5 Years Ago: 5.14.03

WWE Champ: Brock Lesner
WWE World Heavyweight Champ: Triple H
WWE IC Champ: None
WWE US Champ: None
WWE World Tag Team Champs: Kane & Rob Van Dam
WWE Tag Team Champs: Team Angle
WWE Women's Champ: Jazz

TNA World Champ: Jeff Jarrett
TNA X Division Champ: **NEW** Chris Sabin (Defeats Amazing Red & Jerry Lynn in a triple threat 5.14.03)
TNA Tag Team Champs: XXX

10 Years Ago- 5.14.98

WWF Champ: Stone Cold Steve Austin
WWF Intercontinental Champ: The Rock
WWF Tag Team Champs: New Age Outlaws
WWF European Champ: Triple H

WCW Champ: Hollywood Hulk Hogan
WCW US Champ: Bill Goldberg
WCW TV Champ: Fit Finlay
WCW Tag Team Champs: The Outsiders

ECW Champ: Shane Douglas
ECW TV Champ: Rob Van Dam
ECW Tag Team Champs: Chris Candido & Lance Storm

15 Years Ago- 5.14.93

WWF Champ: Hulk Hogan
WWF Intercontinental Champ: Shawn Michaels
WWF Tag Team Champs: Money Inc.

WCW Champ: Vader
WCW US Champ: Dustin Rhodes
WCW TV Champ: Paul Orndorff
WCW Tag Team Champs: Steve Austin & Brian Pillman (Hollywood Blondes)

ECW Champ: Don Muraco
ECW TV Champ: Jimmy Snuka
ECW Tag Team Champs: The Suicide Blondes

That's all I have for you right now, but Steve Sullivan will be back next week so you won't have to put up with me anymore. Unless of course you would like to check out my myspace where there is plenty of Dustin-love going down.