The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 05.15.08

Posted by Jeff Small on 05.15.2008

It’s time to paint, exercise, and read news reports!!!

And one to start with…

From commenter SaveECW222: "what are you,gay for Khali? can't you give news on anyone other than Khali? Obviouslly not!"

Well duh, my love for Khali transcends all news reports and even all languages. Case in point, here's my special Khali message for all my Spanish readers:

¡el gran khali es el más grande que es su tajada de arriba así que la devastación de ella podría matar al stevie no nombrado humano richards. del que sirve justo no morirá de todos modos, el gran khali no debe haber dado a demostración grande una cabra porque él no lo mereció soy gay para el khali!

Wait for it…


Wait for it…


Keep waiting….


Yes, yes….


WHAMMY!!!!!!!




Welcome back to the Small-For-All, the only news report with as much excitement as a regular season WNBA game. Yes, expect the equivalent of an onslaught of power lay-ups here, unfortunately. Hey, slow-week news reports are what separate the cream of the crop here from those that languish towards the bottom. It's extremely easy to write one of these bad boys when there's plenty to talk about, but when you have nothing to work with, good luck filling five pages of Microsoft Word!

And with that shot of confidence, it's time to start this bad boy. Take it away, Bad Ronald!




NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Rey Mysterio to host a Bacon, Bagels, & Triceps Brunch

Clearly, the big news of the week is the delay in Rey Mysterio's return. According to the Wrestling Observer, "Rey Mysterio was scheduled to return to the ring from bicep surgery next month. However, the company has pulled him from all house shows in June. No return date for Mysterio has been set either. WWE had plans for Mysterio to return at One Night Stand on 6/1 because it's in his hometown of San Diego, but that's obviously off the cards."

Poor Rey. First, his bicep injury derailed a good match with Edge at No Way Out. Then, it prevented him from having the most high-profile match of his career (yes, even more important than his World Title Triple Threat match) in a tag match with Floyd Mayweather. To make matters even worse, there were complications (infection) with the quick fix surgery he opted for. Originally, this option would have had him back in the ring by now but such is not the case. Now, his return back has been delayed (for reasons unknown) which makes me wish that he went for the Dr. James Andrews approved surgery (which would have kept him out until August).

Thanks to steroids, countless injuries, and his grueling wrestling style, Rey is a shell of what he used to be. But that doesn't mean that I don't miss watching him on Friday nights. Ah, I guess I along with the WWE must have…



Dilemmas Undertaking

From the main page, "Vince McMahon himself made the call to strip the Undertaker of the World Title. The feeling is that Edge makes for a better champion than challenger, and that the Undertaker as champion needs great challengers. Taker vs. Batista has been done a lot, and the feeling is that Edge vs. Taker isn't a "money PPV match."

Here's my problem with this piece of news. Regardless of who wins, the WWE would either be stuck with a "no buys" PPV match at ONS or no great challengers to the Undertaker. If we were to believe every word of it, we should expect that Edge will be victorious this Sunday at Judgment Day. If Edge were to win, at One Nigh Stand we would be subjected to Edge vs. Undertaker IV since there's not enough time to build a different feud. Granted the two men could have a Hell in the Cell match at ONS but it still would be the fourth match between them in four months. Yikes!

Personally, I am rooting for the Undertaker to win the match. Why? If the Undertaker were to win, the Edge/Taker feud would be finished (three straight wins should necessitate that) and he would again be top dog. With Umaga possibly switching brands, a Taker vs. Umaga feud would be a great placeholder until another heel superstar (such as MVP) is built up as a credible challenger. Works a lot better in my book.

Beware Bootleggers: New England to Receive a PPV

Earlier this week, it was announced that Backlash 2009 will emanate from the Dunkin Donuts Arena in Providence, RI. Seeing as 411maniac JP hails from Providence, let's see if he would be interested in attending the show:

Small: JP, would you be interested in attending Backlash with me next year?
JP: I abstain.
Small: You abstain?
JP: Courteously.

There you have it. If you thought that was bad, just wait until Randle's epic blowoff with CSONKA on Monday.

Weekly Khali Update

Since the Great Khali has returned to India, the amount of local coverage on the day has increased by the shitton. Being a loyal Khaliholic, it is my duty to swarm through every Khali article to bring you, my loyal readers, the best of the best. Today's article is especially special to my heart since it revolves around BEEF!

According to the Khaleej Times, "THERE is a huge man called Khali. His real name is Dalip Singh Rana. He is nearly eight-feet tall, and has a fist so powerful that he can bring a wild buffalo down with a stroke. He drinks six litres of milk and eats 2kgs desi ghee, 4kgs soaked chickpeas, 24 raw eggs, and devours whatever comes his way for his morning breakfast…

Now with the US' World Wrestling Entertainment's (WWE) SmackDown brand, Khali has made a name (and also lot of money!!). However, many from his wrestling fraternity at home envy, and does not like him. Scores of desi wrestlers (also known as ‘gama pahalwans'), who daily fight out and practice kushti (wrestling) at akhadas (gyms) feel he is fake.

"I can throw him out of the ring; break his bone. Khali has no basics of wrestling. He is a WWE impostor," says a wrestler from a group of Salwinder Singh Shinda, a well known wrestler in Punjab. Many wrestling bodies say Khali lacks basic skill; he has to prove himself at home first. "WWE entertain people through fake wrestling techniques," they claim."


OH NO HE DIDN'T!

I don't know who this jabroni is but there's no questioning that Khali has learned all the wrestling basics. The dude threw the meanest chop I've ever seen. And did you see his head-squeezing hold? That submission maneuver should have given him the nickname of "The Best Technical Wrestler" in the WWE! Prove me wrong! (Actually, it's John Cena.)

Now with Fur!

In other Giant news, according to Lords of Pain, "A spokesman for Jakks Pacific, stated that they have plans to release a Giant Gonzalez action figure with fur in the future. Production will be limited to 500, so it will be pretty rare. During his time in WWE in 1993, Gonzalez wore a bizarre full-body suit that featured airbrushed muscles with bushy hair attached. Jakks has released a Classics action figure on Gonzalez in the past, but it didn't have fur."

Now that's what I call worthy of the term "Collector's Edition!" While I do not collect action figures, I would never use homosexual slang to make fun of the basement dwellers that would pick up the Gonzalez action figure. Clearly, they have way more disposable income than I. By the way, because I'm super awesome, here's a "sneak peek" look at the new Giant Gonzalez toy:


I'm sorry, that's Snitsky's newest figure!

Seems like every week someone's leaving

Two weeks ago, I did a musical tribute to the Great Khali. Last week, we had a video tribute to the Coach (who still hasn't signed anything with ESPN, by the way). This week, we shed a tear over Torrie Wilson's departure. Like the other two men, Torrie's release was not surprising. A few weeks ago on her MySpace page, she stated that her back was in no condition to make a wrestling return. And since she performed most of her moves on her back (huzzah), then there really was no reason to keep her around.

Regardless, I am still sad that Torrie is gone. Here are the top three reasons why I'll be missing Torrie Wilson:

#3: She was the Undertaker of Bikini Matches.

#2: It was her idea to use her real father for the Dawn Marie storyline.

And the #1 reason why I'll miss Torrie Wilson:


Dat Ass


AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT… WWE JUDGMENT DAY PREVIEW

Here's the card:

STEEL CAGE MATCH FOR THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP:
Triple H © vs. Randy Orton

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
The Undertaker vs. Edge – title is vacant

WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
The Miz & John Morrison © vs. Kane & CM Punk

WWE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Mickie James © vs. Beth Phoenix vs. Melina

GRUDGE MATCH
John Cena vs. JBL

GRUGE MATCH
Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels

Yup that's the entire card. While nothing on the card looks bad (which is always a positive), I'm surprised that the WWE failed to capitalize on some of the other feuds they are building. Matches such as Mr. Kennedy vs. William Regal or Mark Henry vs. the Big Show have been built over the last few weeks yet both fail to make the card. Hell even Hardcore Holly & Cody Rhodes vs. Carltino was inexplicably blown off on the PPV hype show. While none of these matches would improve the workrate here, at least the WWE wouldn't have wasted my time with feuds that don't even necessitate a proper blowoff.

Regardless, the top two matches along with Jericho/HBK have the possibility of being slobberknockers. With only six matches on the card, every match should be given plenty of time. I can even see the tag team title match surpass expectations if that's the case. While I won't go out on a limb and say the PPV will be worth your hard earned $40, it could very well be an excellent addition to your DVD library.


NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Angle injury update

According to Prowrestling.net, "Kurt Angle stated during the pay-per-view that his doctor advised him not to wrestle on the show, and sources say that was legitimately the case…The working plan at the tapings continues to be for Angle to wrestle A.J. Styles at the Slammiversary. There are some in the company who are concerned that Angle will try to gut his way through the match even if he's not ready, and the hope is that management will continue to look out for his best interests even if he's not willing to do so himself."

I speak in-depth regarding TNA's decision to remove Kurt Angle from the Sacrifice PPV in today's edition of Fact or Fiction. While all signs still point for Angle to be wrestling Styles at Slammiversary, if he's not healthy now, there's no sense of risking Angle's longevity for a single match. In fact, TNA did the wise thing during their recent set of TNA tapings by leaving the door open for an injury angle that could postpone this match until Angle's healthy. Here's hoping TNA gives Angle the rest he needs or else he might go batshit like he did in the WWE.

Introducing the Beast!

According to the Wrestling Observer, Matt Morgan has been cast as the 7-foot monster, the Beast, on American Gladiators.

Considering the Beast has already been hyped during commercials for the show, this could only do wonders for Morgan's popularity. Unfortunately, American Gladiators produced a DUD rating on Monday night. It's a pity if NBC decides to pull the show early since this week's episodes were a vast improvement over Season 1. Plus, I would be in Wolf withdrawal.

Bald women rule!

From Prowrestling.net, "TNA approached Roxxi Laveaux and perhaps other women to see if they were willing to their heads shaved for the makeover battle royal. The company would not have ordered any woman to shave her had everyone objected. However, a source reports that Roxxi was cool with the idea and agreed to do it without much hesitation."

If TNA continues her push past Slammiversary, then I would say that Roxxi made the correct decision. If TNA throws her back into the shuffle, then the haircut probably wasn't worth it. Right now, the haircut should lead to her receiving more television time and possibly a push as one of the top faces in the Knockout division.

Here comes Lashley!

According to Prowrestling.net, "There was no major buzz backstage about the possibility of Bobby Lashley signing with the company. Nevertheless, office members are hopeful that he signs because they see him as another big name with star power. Lashley has also been talking with the NWE promotion that is running shows in Spain (including Ultimate Warrior's return match) and Mexico's AAA promotion… Booker and Angle have been doing their best to recruit him."

It's only a matter of time before Lashley joins TNA. Until then, we must all have..



Man, this never gets old!


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Wow, this wasn't nearly as painful as I expected. Thanks Let's Paint, Exercise, & Blend Drinks!



Meehan's in tomorrow!

For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!