The Seventh Dimension 05.16.08: Project Runaway

Posted by T.G. Corke on 05.16.2008

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Get out of my studio."
"Who's there?"
*WHACK!*



I don't want to sound like a broken record, but I'm afraid I've remained somewhat impassive to wrestling this week. Every now and again, I subconsciously create little markers in my head, almost like System Restore Points, in which I constantly look back to what I consider a happier or more enthralling period. Usually, these are reserved for when somebody has been found dead a day or two later. Ignorance, as they say, is bliss. The latest one, with no offence intended towards Triple H, was set just after Matt Hardy won the United States Championship at Backlash. Since then, I've just not cared much – especially with the completely asinine title situation over on Smackdown, which I discussed last week.

Thankfully, this week I've channeled my productive in a different way, by writing and composing music. Not only has this been a huge breath of fresh air, but it leads into a decent topic for the column – the different musical projects that wrestlers have undertaken over the years. I already wrote about entrance music a couple of months back, and it proved to be my most popular column to date. Here's hoping lightning strikes twice.

Project Runaway

Hooray, the title's rubbish! "Rinsing".

Actors branching into music are nothing new, but it often raises an eyebrow. Adam Rickett, Kim Medcalf, and Raymond Quinn are all former soap opera stars who decided to change lanes. Of those, only Quinn had any success (though all credit to him, it was substantial), while the others quickly got back to what they were acceptable at. Other times, people become well known as singers first before returning to their thespian routes – two of the more recent British examples being Suzanne Shaw and Hannah Spearitt. There are also a select few like Barbara Streisand and Cher who become highly sought-after in both professions, those who are good at one but not the other (Madonna, Vinnie ‘Who the fuck are MK Dons?' Jones), and a few unlucky ones such as Victoria Beckham who are almost completely inept in either field. This has been the way of the world for many a year – in fact, one of my distant cousins was the legendary Noel Coward, although that's about as prestigious as shopping in the same service station that Harry Corbett once entered to ask the cashier for directions.

But back to the point. Likewise, athletes (such as the aforementioned Vinnie Jones) have long been attempting to broaden their horizons by recording music, with French tennis great Yannick Noah arguably making the best fist of it. Wrestling is no different, and in fact has developed more musical attemps than any competitive sport. This is hardly surprising, as it's ‘sports entertainment' after all. If it was up to me, the entire WWE and TNA rosters would sing their own entrances, live, on the ramp-way. Thankfully, it's not up to me and the industry is a slightly better place for it. Though I'm sure Jake Chambers could see some legitimate value in it.

I'm not going to chronicle every single band that had a famous wrestler involved, as I don't have the information to pull such a thing off. Maybe Weyer could, but not I. So instead, I'll just stick to a few I know of and then look at it from another point of view.

Obviously, the most prominent from the current crop is John Cena. On top of his free-styling gimmick and original entrance music, he's released one rap album, ‘You Can't See Me', which charted at a respectable #15 in the Billboard 200. Of all those who have tried to cash in on their popularity in such a way, Cena's effort makes the most sense since it goes hand in hand with how he rose to the top in the first place. It's no surprise, therefore, that his music is more than bearable albeit in no way my cup of tea.

The same can't be said of Amy Dumas's ‘The Luchagors', who I just found incredibly bland when I listened to them. Just the same sort of nu-thrash a lot of us have done our best to avoid since leaving high school, only with shrieking vocals which are beyond even the normal levels of torture. What's more, the songs themselves blend into each other alarmingly. If you heard ‘Miracle' and ‘March of the Luchagor' one after the other without knowing they were separate tracks, you'd just think it was the same song but changing pace halfway through. It's even the same key, which is fine if the note sequence is in any way different…but it isn't. Shite.

Then there's Fozzy, who I don't mind anywhere near as much as some. Unlike Lita, Jericho brought Fozzy into the forefront before he left WWE. Long before, in fact. YEARS. So Fozzy are very much a simple side-plate for Jericho, as opposed to the follow-up career that Lita is trying to hold down with disastrous results. Fozzy aren't great, but at least it's competent rock and roll. I can even stomach Jericho's voice, which has proven impossible for some (maybe it's just the idea of hearing someone sing that we're used to screaming all the time on Raw). Imagine Stephanie McMahon trying to sing, I can't imagine she'd ever be taken seriously even if she turned out to be amazing.

One other example that has to be mentioned is Randy Savage's infamous foray into hip hop. Had this taken place when the Macho Man was still relevant, that would be one thing. But his album, ‘Be A Man', was especially brain-melting because it was released just four-and-a-half years ago. The title track challenges Hulk Hogan to a fight and, in doing so, manages to rhyme "scared" with "heard". Only WCW's ‘Slam Jam' could have done worse (and did). Also, one of the songs is called ‘I'm Back', which just highlights the fact that his star faded in the first place. The only good thing I can say about it, which is ironic as this would usually be a major criticism of a rap album, is that none of the tracks are very long. Still, I'd quite like to see Jay Lethal release a TNA-endorsed parody of it.

So, we know the dangers and potential rewards now of a wrestler trying to sing. But can it work the other way? Last year, Kevin Federline – who probably just about qualifies as a musician – entered the ring against John Cena and defeated him, marking the first time in recorded history that Cena truly represented the black demographic by default. It also meant that there were two labeled artistes on opposite sides of the ring, a rarity. The Insane Clown Posse have ‘worked' in the past, and Fred Durst was an unlockable character in ‘WWF Smackdown: Just Bring It'. Which other musicians would be suited for a visit to the squared or hexagonal circle?

Pelle Almqvist of The Hives would be a good bet as a cruiserweight. Not only does his Swedishness make him an automatic heel, but he already has experience with WWE using his tracks on occasion, and filming his stupid video with Timbaland and the Extreme Exposé. Plus, as he showed in ‘Walk, Idiot, Walk', he can scale walls effortlessly using only his feet while shouting and throwing his arms about at the same time. Now THAT'S panache. The only downside is that he'd probably have to forget about that and learn the dreaded ‘WWE style'. :o(

Paul Potts would be a laugh, taking on Mark Henry. Also, Chad Kroeger and Josey Scott could form a tag team for a bit, just to get the piss beaten out of them by Miz and Morrison. Dryden Mitchell could be their manager and cut their promos, and keep having his microphone rigged so it squirted water at him or a boxing glove came out. In all seriousness, they couldn't be worse than the Highlanders.

So here's some audience participation, for once. You may remember my 'F.O.O. Wrestling' column I wrote a while back, which was an attempt to transform 411mania into a proper indie fed like what the blokes do on the telly, mate! Well, if I have nothing better to do next week, how about a ‘two-peat'? Leave a comment with a musician you'd like to appear in our fictional company, and state a reason other than "because I want him to die, die slowly, in pain…pain", and I'll see what I can do. If we work together as a team, we can persuade Thatcher to reopen the mines!

And, in the absence of that, we can just laugh at the stupid celebrities acting tough.

But what's the story here? To stick to what you know? Well, in a way, it is. But the thing with Cena and Jericho, music IS part of what they know. So it's not fair to immediately write them off, although feel free to dislike the tracks all you want (I'm not keen, myself). Lita's music is, in my opinion, horrendous and she's a fool. But at least she felt strongly enough to go through with it, which I respect. And Savage? There's no defending the album, but it's Savage. Come on, now!

Music and wrestling go back a long way, just as music does with television and film. As more and more people begin to see the advantages of combining the two, we could eventually see the rebirth of the Rock and Wrestling Connection and a great new era of television. If not, we can just bicker about Orton's new entrance music.

Rubbish Youtube Quote of the Week~!

From ‘ECW This Is Extreme!':

celo0xp
oma god,very terror

Ooooh, no…



To be fair, though, he is Brazilian so English is only his second or third language. Still amusing, though.

On One Hand, With Mike Adamle

The bad thing about Adamle gaining experience in wrestling commentary is that, eventually, he'll become good at it. He's shown signs of it already this week, and as a result my selection of quotes aren't particularly funny. Never mind, this was always a matter of opinion anyway. One man's crap is another man's treasure, etcetera.

5) "Wild swipe by Miz missed." – Pretty mundane, but it raised a smile.
4) "I would dare say we could dim the lights in the arena here, and it would still shine because of those bright smiles." – Does this man's sexual thirst have no quenching? What a pervert.
3) "Talk about great athleticism on the part of Victoria, there – a complete 360…" – Here because it was blatantly NOT a 360. It was a Moonsault.
2) "I wonder if Rambo has ever run into Mike Knox?" – I don't.
1) "Oh, how he'd love to jump in and help his partner!" – The way he said it, "ooooh, how he'd LOVE to", made Miz and Morrison sound more than a little gay. Not much more, though. Yeah, slow week.

Will this section still be here next week? It's hard to tell, at this rate. I'd certainly like to think so, as I've grown fond of this image…



Feeder Readback

For the first time in an age, I received an email from a reader rather than a comment. Therefore, it's only fair I publish it. From occasional contributor Taiso:

Bit behind here but I loved your article on the Generation Blame. Don't give up yet! You still got some literary chops mate! :D

Anyway, I'm wondering if the Age of Orton or the new reign of Triple H will really provide a fresh alternative for the fans who are complaining about Cena. Some thoughts in case - the build to this years WM was pathetic in comparison to last year's HBK vs Cena build. None of Orton's title defences have provided anything close to the classics that Cena managed to put out when he was the superman. If anyone was asked to name three matches where Cena pulled out all the stops it would be easy. Similarly with Batista, he had some really good matches with UT and Edge. Granted both of them have an advantage over Orton of holding the title for longer, and more generous booking, but has Orton really had a worthwhile four star match where he wasn't carried? Granted its a fresh alternative on the title scene, but entertainment has been sadly lacking. Plus how terrible was the match on Raw two weeks ago which had the plug pulled by Regal? I was actually happy it stopped, Orton totally no sold the shoulder that HHH spent five minutes working on by doing chinlocks with it, plodding pace, and chemistry between the two was non existant.

I'm all for the WWE pushing up a new star like Orton but at least give him something to work with. I'm a huge fan of Orton's in ring work, but he was a lot more entertaining as a upper mid carder than he is as the champ.

I think Orton at the moment is at the same stage as Cena was a couple of years back - i.e. needing a great effort from somebody else to bring the best out of him. I don't think he's been carried necessarily, but it's no coincidence that his only really good matches have been against people with tonnes of experience (including Cena). Cena, on the other hand, while no Kobashi has really taken to the role of directing his matches - apart from those against Michaels, which would be a mistake for anyone.

Triple H's reign as WWE Champion has, unfortunately, coincided with one of my very apathetic spells as a wrestling viewer. I think it's a coincidence, since I'm also not particularly into TNA at the moment. But eventually, Triple H might find himself on the receiving end of the same treatment he received last time he was champion. It depends how long he has the title for and, more importantly, how much he gives his opponents in their matches. If we see more matches like he had with Umaga at Taboo Tuesday, then there'll be no problem. But, if he's as dominant as he was in his feuds with Carlito and Booker T, eventually it's going to be detrimental to him. However, WWE is quite stubborn so I doubt it will affect their title plans around him.

In the end, although Orton never owned a feud, he did have relatively clean wins against Michaels and Jeff Hardy, as well as winning the triple-threat at Wrestlemania via ingenuity rather than cheating. So he won't be damaged in any way by it. Plus, he's pinned Cena twice in succession, which is almost unheard of.

The Smackdown title scene infuriates me more than I could ever translate onto page, so I won't even go there.

I also had a huge, almost biblical in length, conversation with Aaron Hubbard. Nice guy he is, too.

Bye.

It has to happen. One of these days, I will snap back into loving wrestling again. Hopefully next week, who knows? Maybe if Orton wins the WWE title back (and again, I'm not blaming Triple H at all for my emotional slump), I might feel more inclined.

But anyway, thanks as ever for reading. End.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX