The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 05.22.08
Posted by Jeff Small on 05.22.2008
Meet the King of Boogie… Inside!!!
Translations are e-z!
As commenter Pepo pointed it, "this is what he wrote in spanish... real badly, I mus say
"The Great Khali is the biggest that is his upper slice that the devastation of it could kill the Stevie un-named human Richards. Which it serves just won't die anyway, The Great Khali shouldn't have given a big demostration a goat because he didn't deserved it I'm gay for Khali!"
You have got to love Babelfish after all! To give you a little bit of help in this translation:
upper slice = big chop
big demonstration = Big Show
Regardless, the last line says it all: I'm gay for Khali!!!
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
Keep waiting….
Yes, yes….
WHAMMY!!!!!!!
[user image not found]
WHAT?
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
KHALI?
Welcome back to another edition of the only news report that keeps you up to date on the Great Khali: the Small-For-All News Report! I hope you all had a good week up until now! Because after reading this drivel, I'm not sure if you will ever be the same again. In today's edition, expect more Khali talk, the latest in the William Regal Drug Scandal (okay, that's not what it is at all, but it sounds a lot more sensational), and a new staple that hopefully will make it past today. And if it doesn't? If it dies, it dies.
NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS
Clearly, the big news of the week revolves around William Regal's suspension. However, I want to save my opinions on that to the end of the report. And with no other news being of any major importance, let's begin with the latest on the Great Khali!!!
The Pride of the Nation
In today's Chicago Tribune ( online ), there is a lovely article from India on the mass hysteria caused from the Great Khali's homecoming. From the article, "Last week, Khali, 35, returned to India for a vacation. Thousands of fans were waiting with marigold garlands at the New Delhi airport when he landed. Since then, it has been one fanatical near-stampede after another. Khali has kept a back-to-back schedule, meeting reporters, schoolchildren, slum dwellers, politicians and some of those Bollywood stars and cricketers.
"He is our own Rocky Balboa. From zero to hero," said Darshan Rewar, 22, an engineering graduate who arrived with his family three hours before Khali's appearance at the Mumbai college campus. "I want to see the 63-inch chest."
"Khali is both a religion and a god," noted the news tabloid Mail Today.
India's president, Pratibha Patil, described him as the "pride of the nation."
"I play to bring honor to India's name abroad, and I feel very proud when I am beating up white wrestlers," Khali said in Mumbai.
Fans recite details of how the towering Khali, in his trademark black track pants and flowing curls, squashed the dreaded Undertaker with a kick to the head. He also has battled the likes of Rey Mysterio, Kane and Dave Batista, using signature moves — the Khali bomb (a two-handed choke-slam), vise grip and brain-chop.
The WWE Web site attributes mythic qualities to Khali: "This enormous monster has walked the jungles of India unafraid of pythons and wrestled white Bengal tigers. Legend states that the Punjabi Warrior has stared into the abyss and the Earth trembled at his gaze.""
Where can I get this Punjabi Kool-Aid the people of India are drinking? The next Rocky Balboa? He's more like the Great Tiger if you ask me! But seriously, I can't believe the never-ending Khali commotion. Personally, I love it as these weekly updates give me something to actually write about (or else I'd be writing Friday reports). Plus, these articles are quite fucking funny. If only Khali made an album of Punjab love songs… hmm… (Smallophiles: who will be the first person to create a Khali love album for next week's report?)
Michael Hayes on… Politics
According to the Wrestling Observer, "Michael Hayes, the suspended Smackdown lead writer, made derogatory statements regarding Barack Obama that WWE officials feared would come out before the U.S. Presidential candidate appeared on the show. Hayes asked, "How can we have a President that can't read the constitution?" He also reportedly stated, "If that boy gets elected, I'm moving to Canada.""
Wait, don't we already have a President that can't read the Constitution?
OMG, Dumb Bush jokez! YATTA!
JUMANJI!
Why Should You Attend a WWE Live Event?
Forget the show, all of the fun stuff happens either during commercial breaks or after the show. Case in point: this past week, new Raw GM Teddy Long boogied with his favorite Raw superstars.
And if you do not think that is a good enough reason to go to a WWE taping of Raw, perhaps this will change your mind.
If only Hacksaw could host the Kiss Cam every week! He knows his hos and always has a large piece of wood with him. He's perfect for the job.
What about Rodney the Piper?
On Tuesday night's Jimmy Kimmel Live, Kimmel announced that his Cousin Sal will be wrestling Santino Marella in two weeks on Smackdown.
I'm a tad bit surprised that the WWE would rather have the match on an episode of Smackdown rather than their One Night Stand PPV. Granted, a Santino vs. Sal match won't be a workrate classic but it could definitely help add a few extra buys to the PPV. Considering Smackdown is leaving the CW in October, I'm surprised that they want to blow off this match on a Friday night. Then again, how many Kimmel fans would purchase a PPV just to watch Cousin Sal wrestle?
Time to Play the Game!
In honor of Mike Adamle.
For those of you who missed last night's ECW, Mike Adamle asked Tazz whether Chavo Guerrero was pimpin' or limpin'. Normally, I would just chalk that up to another silly Adamle quote; however, this misguided statement inspired me. Introducing a new Small-For-All staple: PIMPIN' or LIMPIN'!!! The game's really simple. See picture. Decide whether it falls under PIMPIN' or LIMPIN'. Yup, that's it.
PIMPIN' or LIMPIN' Edition Uno
PIMPIN' or LIMPIN'?
PIMPIN' or LIMPIN'?
PIMPIN' or LIMPIN'?
PIMPIN' or LIMPIN'
The last one's a trick question. The answer is BOTH.
NEWS FROM O-TOWN
Warrior come out to play!
From the main page, "TNA is interested in bringing in Warrior and has expressed their interest to Warrior's camp. One would assume that TNA would not mention Warrior's name on Impact last night unless they had a deal done with him, but TNA hasn't always followed that rule.
Warrior is set to return to the ring in June for a show in Madrid, Spain for NWE."
Eli Eli Lama Sabachthani? Signing the Warrior would just be two steps back for a company that is having a hard enough time finding air time for much of their roster. If TNA won't trust Scott Steiner in a singles match, what could they see in the Warrior? Yes, nostalgia is nice and whatnot but it never leads to anything good in the long run. Sure TNA might break the 1.1 glass ceiling with a Warrior appearance but what damage will be there after he fizzles out.
Quick N Dirty TNA News
From all your favorite dirtsheets:
Another reason why Roxxi Laveaux's decided to shave her head was due to the damage caused purple dye she has been using for the past year.
Good for Roxxi. She got rid of some dead hair in return for the biggest push of her career. I'd say she's doing all right if you ask me.
TNA Knockout Shelly "Salinas" Martinez is set to appear in the low-budget film Porn Shoot Massacre. Martinez does a scene in the movie which leads to her appearing topless after getting out of the shower. The movie is a straight-to-DVD release that should be coming out soon.
If only she was a good enough actress to appear in Zombie Strippers!
TNA wrestler Rellik has sent the following message concerning Chris Masters to some wrestling websites:
I'm wrestling Chris Masters on the 31st of May for BLW wrestling out of San Francisco. When he steps in the ring with me, he's going to get hurt! He has been running his mouth about me and I want it to be known...
Chris, since you think your a tough guy, I'm going to test it. When you get in the ring with me on the 31st expect to get shot on! I'm tired of your stupid little comments and let this be a lesson to you. If your scared which I'm sure your punk ass is then I expect to be wrestling someone else. Regardless, if your at that show be prepared to get your ass handed to you.
ReLLiK
Did you know Rellik spelled backwards is Killer? Thanks Don West!
Quick N Dirty Random News
Complied from all of your favorite dirtsheets!
Ahmed Johnson admitted this week that he left the WWE to attend to his dying sister. He never told Vince about it because he did not want to be seen as a crybaby.
Why he waited ten years to tell us this, the world will never know!
Krystal Marshall is pregnant!
I guess steroids don't lower your sperm count THAT much.
On a Minnesota radio show, Brock Lesnar stated that his three favorite opponents were the Undertaker, Kurt Angle, and the Big Show.
No surprises here since those three opponents consisted of many of Brock's best matches. Who could ever forget his epic "Biker Chain Match" against the Undertaker at No Mercy 2003? Even though he hasn't been in the WWE in four years, Brock is still smart enough to respect the Dead Man. Vince McMahon, not so much…
Now that would make a good cover for the 101 Best Punjab Love Songs!
Small on William Regal's Suspension
This past Monday on Raw, many people were shocked when Vince McMahon booked a Ken Kennedy vs. William Regal – loser gets fired match. While many expected a Kennedy/Regal match to happen at some point (preferably the One Night Stand PPV), it was not meant to be. Of course, William Regal lost the match and was given a royal exit by the crowd. On Tuesday, the WWE announced that Regal was suspended immediately for 60 days due to failing their Wellness test for a second time. At this moment, Monday night's actions all made sense.
William Regal's past drug abuses have been well documented. In 1998, William Regal signed with the WWE but only last a few months after his "Real Man" persona failed to get over. He checked into rehab in early 1999. After another brief stint with WCW, he joined the WWE once again in 2000. Regal mentioned in many interviews that the WWE was very supportive during his rehab process.
For many years, it appeared as Regal had won his battle with drugs. In August of 2007, his name was on the dreaded Sports Illustrated steroid expose. This led to Regal's first 30 day suspension. Regal returned on Raw as GM and maintained this position up until this past Monday. He also won April's King of the Ring tournament which has led to the biggest push Regal has received in the WWE.
With this suspension being Regal's second, he only has one more chance in the WWE. While it's really unfortunate that Regal failed the Wellness Test during his main event push, the WWE really had no choice. After seeing so many wrestlers die young, illegal drugs cannot be tolerated in this industry. Kudos to the WWE for taking immediate action. Here's hoping when Regal returns, he's clean and ready to go.
Seeing as Regal was one of my current favorites, I would like to give him a mini-tribute. Now I know I shouldn't be "idolizing" a drug addict, but many fat girls still love Jeff Hardy and I don't pick on them. I'd like to point out my favorite William Regal moment of this past year. A few weeks ago, drunk on power, Regal decided to shut off
hahahahaha where did you find that photo of sherri and taker!!!! it´s the most hilarous thing i have ever seen
Posted By: armin (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 12:50 AM
Well it seems like the website is a bit more forgiving on Regal then Jeff.
I remember 411 plain and simple said things like "Jeff Hardy is the dumbest mother fucker ever!!!" so its good to see them focusing on saying Regal get help then bash him
Posted By: Colin (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 01:43 AM
WHAMMY!!!!!!
ummm i mena
KHALI!!!!!!
Posted By: Matt P (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 01:45 AM
Go to a live WWE event? So some jack-off can hold up his sign infront of me blocking my view? So I can watching action that comes across much better on TV than it does in person? So I can see a whole five matches over a two hour period?
I'd rather buy a fat bag and watch the show at home.
If they would dim the crowd lights like they used to do in the good ol days so people wouldnt bring signs, and if they'd cut down on all the backstage interviews and mic time in the ring, and fire the divas, then MAYBE.
Posted By: Guest#3270 (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 02:18 AM
Guest#3270, I'm taking that you ever went to a live show before. It's not so much the action, but the experience involved.
Posted By: Supro (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 03:45 AM
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllll, It's the Big Demonstration
Posted By: Samyell (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 04:15 AM
"I play to bring honor to India's name abroad, and I feel very proud when I am beating up white wrestlers," Khali said in Mumbai.
The guy sounds as racist as Bernard Hopkins
Posted By: Denno (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 05:44 AM
From JR's blog, he seems to hint that Regal got popped for a supplement he was taking. I am not saying that this is the real reason behind the suspension, but since it happens a lot in the NFL it may have happened here.
That's one of the tricky things about the suspensions. While on the one hand it's not our business what they get suspended for, on the other it would be nice to know why. But then again, it would kill the rumor mill that the IWC loves so much.
Posted By: chris (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 05:45 AM
Unintentional Comedy Meter ALERT...
Uh if Rellik thought about this...
1. You wrestle for BLW
2. It's in San Fransico
3. "Prepare to be shot on"
4. Your gonna hand him his ass?
Ladies and Gentlemen our first Openly Gay wrestling promotion
BLW
Posted By: Chris (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 06:17 AM
"I want to see the 63-inch chest."
He does realise Khali is a guy? He's not confused because he took the name from a Hindu goddess?
Posted By: Jase (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 07:00 AM
Strong effort as usual, assclown.
Khalimania is runnin wild in India, brother.
I think that there might be a misprint though about Ahmed Johnson "taking care of his sister." I think it was supposed to say he left WWE because he ate his sister.
Thanks again for my Thursday escape from the real world.
Posted By: Owen Can't Fly (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 08:09 AM
"This enormous monster has walked the jungles of India unafraid of pythons and wrestled white Bengal tigers. Legend states that the Punjabi Warrior has stared into the abyss and the Earth trembled at his gaze.""
okay WWE has guys that can come up with this but can't come up with a decent storyline?
Posted By: Jake_Fury (Registered) on May 22, 2008 at 08:10 AM
Dancing JR may be the best thing... ever.
Posted By: TJ (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 08:29 AM
Fire the divas and end the interviews so there's no interruptions to your greco-roman homoeroticism lol... I bet you also wish the boys wore smaller tights.
Posted By: lolz @ guest 3270 (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 08:44 AM
will 411 do a review of that Salinas flick?
Posted By: shamrock77 (Registered) on May 22, 2008 at 09:15 AM
lol...i'm an indian and believe me...its all hype.
no one really cares about khali in india ..except maybe kids.
but news channel keep showing stuff about it...a bunch of marks.
Posted By: lol (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 09:20 AM
Wow...Yatta and The Eli Eli comment...pocket b is in full effect.
Posted By: Kegger (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 09:27 AM
will 411 do a review of that Salinas flick?
Posted By: shamrock77 (Registered) on May 22, 2008 at 10:55 AM
Khali-for-all = many buys
Posted By: Ultra Gepetto (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 11:07 AM
LOL BLW = Bi-Sexual Lesbian Wrestling :|
Posted By: reveal (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 11:20 AM
Eli Eli Lama Sabachthani?=My God, my God, why have you foresaken me?
Posted By: Bud (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 11:26 AM
"Guest#3270, I'm taking that you ever went to a live show before. It's not so
much the action, but the experience involved."
Personally, my experience with live WWE (twenty-five events since 1992) is a strange hybrid of a KKK rally, a Warcraft convention and a retard wing. Yeah, I'll stay home and watch too.
Posted By: Christopher Warrior (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 11:29 AM
The Punjabi Kool-Aid...could it perhaps be called the Khal-Aid? I'm just saying.
Posted By: Paul (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 11:39 AM
Dancing Brock, Dancing Finlay, now Dancing JR!
Posted By: Brent (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 11:52 AM
What? Now we're going to have to read next week to find out the rest of your favorite Regal moment. Cutting off column early = INCREASED PAGE VIEWS.
Posted By: Deuce (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 01:42 PM
Where'd you get the Ahmed Interview? I actually knew that from his RF Video shoot back in 2006
Posted By: Jamal (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 01:46 PM
Where in the blue hell did you dig up that picture of 'Taker and Martel? Wow.
Posted By: G-Walla (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 02:32 PM
Great article Small.
The "KHALI?" thing was awesome.
I also particularly loved the ending of the column. I'm surprised nobody thought to do something like that sooner.
Posted By: Adam Tool (Registered) on May 22, 2008 at 02:55 PM
Going to live WWE events is addicting. The pyro, the music, the random crazy ppl who STILL think it's real life, it's great. Even the protestors outside, hahaha. It's like the best carnival ever! Plus its crazy to see just how huge the wrestlers are in real life. It's hard to believe they are even human sometimes.
Posted By: daniel (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 03:40 PM
"A few weeks ago, drunk on power, Regal decided to shut off"
I see what you did there...and I nearly choked on my dinner because of it. Well played :p
Posted By: bonefig (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 08:20 PM
I'm so glad someone finally picked up on the pimpin' or limpin' quote. When I heard Adamle say it I had to question what he said and none of the results I read even mentioned it.
That Taker-Sherri pic is glorious...
Plus the column cut off and the Khali love...easily become the most entertaining and most absurd (in a good way) column anywhere...
MANY BUYS~!
Posted By: Mark (Guest) on May 22, 2008 at 09:16 PM
Salinas with those enormous tits out? YES PLEASE!
Posted By: Col (Guest) on May 23, 2008 at 11:23 AM
