The MeeThinks Friday FreeThinks: 05.23.08

Posted by John Meehan on 05.23.2008

Back, bigger, and even BETTER than last week (though that's not really saying much).



Welcome back, all. And thanks for tuning back in to your regularly scheduled week-end dose of intrawebz 'rasslin optimism in spite of the fact that the past month or so of columns on this end have been (admittedly) pretty light in the way of "news items" and/or anything that might even remotely resemble insightful analysis that this site and its columnists are so often known to provide. Judging from the comments section over the past 30 days or so, it seems as if many of y'all have picked up on this trend.

In fairness --

As cop-out as it might be to say, the best explanation I can offer is that news has been INSANELY slow, while pay-per-view offerings have been fast and furious (not to mention largely forgettable), and so it's been pretty hard to take a "controversial" story and run with it.

I mean seriously here... let's take a quick look at the past month's "BREAKING NEWS!" stories:

Santino Marella Busted for DUI (File under: closest thing to news we've had)
Michael Hayes Suspended for Being a Racist Clown (File under: obvious)
WrestleMania 24 Tops One Million Buys (File under: redundant)
Ashley Massaro COULD be a High-Priced Hooker (File under: surprised?)
Rhaka Khan Is Too Cool to Sign Autographs (File under: dumb)
Tomko Slights TNA Fanfest for Bout in Japan (File under: DRAAAMAAAAAA)
Matt Morgan Balks on American Gladiators (File under: *almost* news)
Matt Morgan Signs with American Gladiators (File under: wait and see)
American Gladiators Rating Tanks (File under: not exactly wrestling news)
Rob Van Dam's Wife Diagnosed with Cancer (File under: prayers & support)
Ultimate Warrior Set to Return to Wrestling (File under: developing)
Balls Mahoney & David Taylor Released by WWE (File under: long time coming)
Mick Foley Joins Smackdown Announce Team (File under: you already knew this)
Joey Styles Leaves ECW Announce Team for WWE.com (File under: ditto)
Jonathan Coachman Leaves Smackdown Announce Team (File under: ... and again)
Great Khali Receives Hero's Welcome in India (File under: Small's man-crush)
Gregory Helms in Barroom Scuffle (File under: HBK did it ten years ago)
Hulk Hogan's Son Sentenced to Jail Time (File under: family news, not wrestling news)
Randy Orton to Reduce Travel Schedule (File under: believe it when we see it)
Petey Williams Cracks Orbital Bone (File under: TNA doesn't seem to care)
Earthquake Ends Rey Mysterio's Tour of China (File under: priorities, people)

So again...

Given such an "impressive" slate of material to work from, I hope you'll forgive Mee for letting things run pretty much on autopilot for the past four weeks or so. If it's any consolation, I've noticed the downturn as well... hence the pretty little photos that now accompany each of the blurbs we *do* end up covering -- spices things up, ya' know.

Sadly --

There's not a whole lotta' earth-shattering news to cover in this week's column, either. ;)

But as a peace offering...

Kindly accept this gratuitious YouTube video interlude.

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING WHATSOEVER
But Holy Crap is it Awesome All the Same

Even though there's nothing in here that's inherently "not safe for work," coworkers might shoot you a cockeyed glance if they hear it at full volume... so click with caution.

... annnnnnnd JUST LIKE THAT, we're back to being web friends again. Yay.

Ok, let's get to the (limited) 'rasslin news, yes?

Rock & Roll.

William Regal Suspended for 60 Days
Troubled WWE Star Faces Second Strike in Company Wellness Policy

A heartbreaker for William Regal and his fans this week, as it was announced that the once (and future?) "King of All the WWE" had violated the company's Wellness policy for a second time, meaning that the guy will be riding the pine pony without pay for the next sixty days. This is especially sad news to hear of William Regal, an open and recovering addict from demons of days gone by -- and one who had repeatedly gone on record crediting Vince McMahon and World Wrestling Entertainment for having saved his life in the face of his various struggles and addictions.

Still, the suspension stands -- and so Regal (who was riding arguably the single greatest push of his career) is stuck watching the action from the sidelines as pennance for this second strike under WWE's ever-evolving Wellness Initiative. Which brings Mee to a very important point... to all of the WWE critics who have lambasted the company's drug-testing guidelines, going as far as to call them "a complete joke" --



STFU, bitches.

(And yes, I am fully aware of the irony of posting a photo of the suspiciously-jacked John Cena in a story defending the validity of a drug-testing policy.)

But seriously --

First Mr. Kennedy got nabbed for buying supplements online, and so WWE was forced to scrap their initially proposed payoff "who is Vince McMahon's illegitimate child?" angle (Kennedy is just now returning to the same level of popular support he enjoyed over one year ago).

Then Jeff Hardy got busted for a repeat violation of WWE's substance abuse policy just weeks before his scheduled inclusion in the Money in the Bank ladder match at WrestleMania XXIV (a match which all reputable sources had pretty well pegged him to win).

Now William Regal -- both the figurehead General Manager of RAW and the 2008 King of the Ring tournament winner -- sees his greatest shot at success all but evaporate overnight, once again courtesy of an ill-fated (and poorly-timed) run-in with the WWE Wellness Initiative.

Heck, if you go back even further -- WWE was likewise forced to shuffle their mid-to-top-of-the-card plans over a multitude of other Wellness-related suspensions, ranging from guys like Umaga and John Morrison and spanning all the way to bona-fide headliners like Rob Van Dam and Kurt Angle.

All in all?

WWE's Wellness Initiative is obviously nowhere NEAR perfect (how Batista manages to remain that freakishly large in this era of drug-testing is absolutely beyond Mee), but the long and short of things is that the company is proving more than willing to make the hard decisions when push comes to shove, even if it means stalling a new star's momentum for the sake of the greater good.

Now of course --

The conspiracy theorists out there (see the comment section below) will SWEAR that the Wellness Initiative is really little more than a thinly veiled public face for a longstanding culture of backstage oppression and "old guard" spot-protection. After all, headliners like Cena, Hunter and Batista manage to stay in tremendous shape AND score regular spots at the top of cards across the country... while midcarders and stars-on-the-rise seem to drop like flies under the proverbial "glass ceiling" of Wellness on an all too regular basis. And there's probably some degree of truth in this line of thinking too, I suppose.

BUT --

The bottom line is that whether or not a number of the stars currently atop the WWE popularity heap are, in fact, on supplements/steroids/etc. shouldn't make for a green light for the next generation of main eventers to do the same. Over a long enough period of time, in fact -- today's "unfair targeting" of semi-high-profile names and upper-midcarders might just end up working out in EVERYONE's best interest before all's said and done.

Here's why --

As tenuous and unfair as this logic might seem at the present stage of the game (which I'll fully admit, it does) -- let's just pretend for a second that the current crop of main-eventers are "Grandfather Claused" into a no-questions-asked main event slot. Undertaker, Triple H, Cena, Batista, you name it -- let's just assume for a second that each of the guys currently featured in a main-event-level *ARE*, in fact, on some type of drugs... yet they are still managing *NOT* to get nabbed by the Wellness Initiative, perhaps on account of their "veteran" status or proven ability to draw some serious coin.

(Quite a stretch, I know)

Now then...

Let's take a quick look at the "next generation" of main-eventers, many of whom have been nabbed and nailed for all sorts of Wellness-related infractions. Who's being hit by Wellness infractions the hardest these days? Maybe it's the William Regals of the world, or the Randy Ortons, or the John Morrisons, or the Jeff Hardys, or the Mr. Kennedys and the like. It's no secret that ALL of these not-quite-SUPER-superstars have had their run-ins with WWE's Wellness policy, which would lead one to question whether or not the current drug-testing guidelines really were just out to "make an example" of the B-team of grapplers in order to maintain appearances that WWE is drug free.

(Again, quite a stretch).

REGARDLESS --

The fact of the matter is that with time, age, and a relative dearth of fresh and exciting top-level opponents to keep people tuning in on a regular basis, it simply will not matter HOW "Grandfather Claused" the resident big dogs might have been when it comes to their employer making all sorts of allowances for their drug-related-dalliances. Because sooner than later, these guys are left with nobody to feud with but themselves, and rehashing old matches is usually a great way to end up seeing a sizable chunk of your fanbase walk away in a hurry.

In other words -- if WWE's main event doesn't get "new blood" sooner than later, then the "old blood" (even if it is blood thats juiced up beyond recognition) just ain't gonna' be able to keep the fans' attention. Knowing this, it seems to make all the sense in the world for WWE to actively do their best to cultivate "new blood" for future inclusion in the main event picture.

And *where* will that "new blood" come from?

Why, the upper-midcard, of course (see: Hardy, Kennedy, Regal). Yup -- many of the very same guys who are currently running afoul of Wellness tests left and right.

Time wears on, top of the card gets thin, and WWE has no choice but to start giving main-event shots to up-and-comers in order to liven things up and keep people watching. And since just about all of these up-and-comers will inevitably be plucked from the same crop of folks who the Wellness Initiative seems to be cracking down on the hardest these days -- is it really all that terrible that these future main-eventers are being "singled out" today (unfair though it may be) and asked to clean up their acts so that this cycle of top-level "Grandfather Clauses" for drug tests doesn't perpetuate any farther into the tomorrow than necessary?

Long and short of things --

The Wellness Initiative is just that: an INITIATIVE, as in an impetus, a starting point, and a chance to spark a dramatic and worthwhile change for the better *over the course of due time*. While I will be the first to admit that it looks ridiculously shady and suspect to see "main-eventers" dodging Wellness failures left and right while the upper-midcarders fall victim to drug tests all too regularly, eventually at least a few of these upper-midcarders are going to be tapped as main event material on down the line -- and I would *much* rather see the Wellness Initiative working for SOME people than NONE.

---

WWE Could Win an Emmy
Tribute to the Troops Broadcase Eligible for Prestigious TV Award

A second (and decidedly more positive) news item out of Titan Towers this week came with the announcement that WWE would be arranging a special screening of their annual "Tribute to the Troops" broadcast in order to be considered for an Emmy award. While many people have hemmed and hawed at this little newsbit as little more than further proof of just how selfish, self-serving, and amoral Vince McMahon and World Wrestling Entertainment can be ("whoring out a charity show in order to win an award" and all that), there's a lot to be said on the issue that's gone under the radar, and so it seems only fair that we give it a few seconds of our attention while we're wrapping up the week's news.

First and foremost --

While scheduling an "Emmy consideration" screening might just sound a teensy bit self-serving on WWE's part, it's only fair to keep in mind that they've held off a solid three plus years (because you just KNOW they're already in early negotiations for a return trip this winter) before bringing these efforts to the attention of the Emmy folks in a flagrant attempt to score some brownie points and back-patting. Since 2005, WWE stars, production staff, television crew members, and corporate bosses have made it an annual tradition to visit and entertain the men and women of the US military stationed in war-torn areas in the Middle East. And if WWE can manage to score some kudos of their own for the work that they've done?

More power to 'em, sez I.

It's certainly no more self-serving than American Idol or Two and a Half Men or Scrubs (or any other show, for that matter) touting their numerous accolades in order to bolster audience support in their own right. In fact, I'd say it's a whole lot less self-serving, if you asked Mee. One's strictly for ratings... at least the other has ties (nominal though they may be) to a larger and more worthwhile cause than the almighty dollar.

And so if WWE *CAN* manage to score an Emmy for their Tribute to the Troops broadcast special, it stands to reason that they'll be able to parlay this "award-winning" show for future broadcasts of the same (rumors are swirling that NBC is looking to air the next WWE Tribute show on their network). This does two things:

First, it raises the company's overall "respect" and altrusism profile (which couldn't hurt, even now almost one year removed from the Benoit family tragedy of last summer).

Second? It allows the company to expose a larger audience not just to the WWE product itself, but also to the many men and women who continue to defend our freedom overseas so that we might live in peace back here on the homefront. And while the war overseas is certainly no big secret (especially in an election year) -- perhaps there are worse sins than taking one extra broadcast a year in order to remind folks just how easy we have it when compared with some other corners of the globe. If mainstream hacks like Katie Couric spent more time talking about the war efforts in Iraq and less time flapping her head about Obama's flag pin... well, there you have it.

Roxxi LeVeau Volunteers for Head-Shaving at Sacrifice
TNA Knockout was Tired of Dye-Damaged Locks

This one probably isn't *too* too newsy, but it's been a pretty slow week, and so it gets coverage all the same. The long and short of things was that the women's ladder match at Sacrifice was pretty much an open invitation for any of the ladies to step up and offer to buzz their head, and it turns out that Roxxi LeVeau actually volunteered to be the vixen on the receiving end of a head-shaving.

Apparently, the TNA knockout was looking to lop off her locks in order to give her hair a fresh start after a year or so's worth of being stripped and fried by "Voodoo Queen"-style hair dyes and the like. And so when the call went out for talent looking to take one for the team, Roxxi was more than happy to fill the role.

Now then --

I've always been a big fan of performers who are willing to make (semi)permanent alterations to their physical appearance for the sake of their employer, and an even BIGGER fan of those rare talents who are willing to go "over and beyond" the call of duty and don an unconventional (or less-than-socially-accepted) look in order to really hammer an angle on home. Molly Holly's haid-shaving stint at WrestleMania XX comes to mind, as does Snitsky's Godawful (but ballsy) choice in teeth discoloration just two summers ago. On the flip side, other performers have lost serious "willing to commit" points for balking when asked to alter their look for the sake of the job (see: Kazarian, Frankie) -- which has usually spelled trouble for their future with the employer who asked 'em to change their style in the first place.

It's just like having a job in the "real world," folks -- some places are gonna' ask you to come to work clean-shaven. Others will kindly request that you cover up that massive tattoo on your neck. Still other professions will ask you to drop a few pounds, lose the nailpolish or earrings, wear clothing from the company store, or sport some sort of company-issue uniform in order to look like the rest of your coworkers. And in professional wrestling (which is, for all intents and purposes, little more than a very physical twist on your standard "performance art" fare) -- performers are likewise asked to adapt their physical appearance in order to help tell the story at hand. Fake boobs, fake tans, fake hairdos, fake muscles -- you name it.

Still, there's something to be said for an employee who's willing to go that extra mile in order to prove their loyalty to the folks who sign their paychecks. And so MeeThinks we can officially add Roxxi LeVeau to the list of company men (and women) who's priorities are in the right order. Kudos to Roxxi for her dedication, and here's hoping TNA.D.D. doesn't kick in and derail her push before she can receive a fitting reward for her efforts, which are both uberprofessional and commendable at the same time.

---

TNA Interested in Signing The Ultimate Warrior
Former Champ's Pending In-Ring Return Catches Attention of Orlando-Based Promotion

When The Ultimate Warrior announced his in-ring return a month ago, it seemed only a matter of time before the speculation would begin that the guy might just be tapped for a more prominent role with a wrestling outlet on North American soil. Case in point:

[I]nevitably, this might just give rise to a fresh new batch of "Warrior to Sign with Major US Wrestling Promotion" rumors in the weeks to come.- Meehan, 4.25.08

This week, our story took a turn for the "predictable," as word has it that TNA Wrestling is kicking around the notion of bringing in The Ultimate One for some sort of program in the future.

MeeThinks?

While bringing in the Warrior would undoubtedly garner TNA a fair share of "curiosity" fans for the short-haul (and frankly, even if it's just a one-off appearance -- we've seen that TNA can garner some pretty solid mileage out of five minutes of video footage... just ask Hulk Hogan), the guy has proven NOTORIOUSLY unprofessional in his many stints with just about every other wrestling promotion the world over -- which is an absolute nightmare when banking on him as anything close to a worthwhile long-term investment. From his cartoonish buffoonery in WCW to his much-publicized flakouts in the late '90's WWF, contracting Warrior might just be the riskiest investment a wrestling promotion can make this side of reprising the scaffold match (which, come to think of it, TNA has already done...).

Bottom line --

If TNA is even *REMOTELY* considering a stint with the Ultimate One, then they need to make sure of three things right off the bat. First, that the guy should be kept LIGHT YEARS away from their World Title program (which wouldn't be likely). Second, that Warrior would only be used for a one-off "Dream Match" payoff to a self-contained program (say, against a guy like Sting -- in a "Blade Runner Retribution" angle to play off of their history). And third (but perhaps most importantly) -- that NOBODY should expect the guy to stick around for any substantial length of time.

(See: Savage, Randy; Hall, Scott; Rikishi; Test; etc.)

We'll file this one under "slow, proceed with caution" for now -- but stay tuned as more details are sure to develop in the weeks to come, especially after Warrior graces the squared circle and answers those questions as to whether his schtick can hold up without the long hair and bulging physique.

Bobby Lashley and Kristal Marshall Expecting Their First Child
Former WWE Stars to Become Proud Parents

A fun little tidbit of not-quite-wrestling-news from the camp of former WWE superstars (and real-life romantic duo) Bobby Lashley and Kristal Marshall this week, as it was announced that the couple is expecting their first child together. This will be the first child for Kristal, and the second for Lashley -- who has a daughter from a previous relationship.

Obviously there's not all that much more to say here, except that it's always good to hear a wrestling couple "making it" -- as so many relationships (both in the industry and out of it, of course) don't always fare so well in the long run. Here's to Bobby and Kristal, and my sincere best wishes for their future together not only as individuals, but as a couple and as a burgeoning new family to boot.

In honor of these crazy lovebirds, please enjoy the dulcet tones of Blind Melon's late, great Shannon Hoon:


"A man and a woman had a little baby...
There were three in the family...
That's the magic number"

Man, Blind Melon was awesome. And School House Rock? HOLY CRAP.

Oh yeah -- Lashley and Kristal are alright too.



And With That, I'm Outta' Here

Well, that does it for Mee this week. Here's hoping that this go-round was a ***bit*** more beefy than our recent outings, and thanks again to those readers who keep tuning in feast or famine to see what all this humble 'rasslin superfan has to churn out each and every Friday -- RIGHT HERE -- on 411mania.com (pause for cheap pop!).

Enjoy the extended weekend, a huge "congrats" to anyone who's wrapping up a degree this week, and always stay positive.

- Meehan

The National Domestic Violence Hotline : [phone]-SAFE.