The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 05.29.08

Posted by Jeff Small on 05.29.2008

The End of an Era...

And One to Start With…

From commenter Mark, "Plus the column cut off and the Khali love...easily become the most entertaining and most absurd (in a good way) column anywhere..."

Why thanks Mark. I too enjoyed last week's edition (as did many of you). Here's a random LOLCat for you!



Wait for it…


Wait for it…


Keep waiting….


Yes, yes….


KHALI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





Booyah Grandma Booyah! Welcome back to another Khali-tasitc edition of the Small-For-All News Report. Actually, that's a lie. After many weeks of newsworthy Great Khali updates, over the last seven days not much has been mentioned on the Khali. While many of you might be disappointed since there's no Khali update, I am not upset. Over the last few weeks, Khali's life has been placed under a microscope. How can he serve the Punjabi people if his eating habits, moveset, and sexual preferences are continued to be plastered all over India? He can't. As much as it pains me, it's best if we LEAVE KHALI ALONE!!!

You're probably wondering "How will this affect the Small-For-All?" On the surface, by discontinuing my "No Khali Update Left Behind" stance, these reports will be a little shorter, not nearly as random, and worst of all, be devoid of chicken pictures. In essence, it'd be like reading Randle's news report only better. However, my "Leave Khali Alone" edict is only for the short-term. Once news of Khali's return surface, you can best believe he will be back! Now, it's best if we leave him in our hearts.

For those of you wondering if there will be someone else who will replace the epic 7' hole in this news report, you are damn correct. Introducing our newest subject:


Crazy Old Lady with a Sword!

I'm just kidding. Of course, no one will be able to replace the Great Khali! Khali chopped me open and I kept bleeding love! Oh who am I kidding? Fuck the Great Khali! In today's news report, we look at Vince McMahon's "Million Dollar Annoucement", guestimate who will be moving shows after the WWE Draft, mark over the most recent WWE Dirt Sheet, and most importantly, say goodbye to a true special friend: WWE Heat!

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!




NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Introducing the New Raw GM: Regis Philbin!
On Monday's Raw, Vince McMahon made two "shocking" announcements: he will be giving away "One Million Dollars" to at least one fan and the return of the WWE Draft. The Draft will be covered in the following news bite as I want to devote this space to the most shocking announcement in Raw history.

For such a historic announcement, it came off quite flat. Vince said it himself best: "he needs a week to figure out the logistics of it." While some might believe that he is trying to pump up next week's rating (which after seeing this week's won't be tough to do), I think he's being serious. He had a great idea during his Memorial Day Slip N Slide party and rushed it for this week's show. Because details are not known, I cannot comment on how silly this could possibly be. Rather, I will answer the question most people probably want to know…

How Would Small Spend One Million Dollars?

Is it A) A new reclining chair?




Is it B) 40 Nights with Ashley?




Is it C) A Dinner with Lashley?




Decisions, decisions. May I phone a friend?

Draft Daze

On June 23rd, the 2008 Draft will take place on a special three-hour Raw. Seeing as I have the instincts of a young Mel Kiper, here is my Mock Draft.

To Raw:
Batista
The Undertaker
MVP
CM Punk
Mark Henry

To Smackdown:
Ron Simmons (DAMN)
Kevin Thorn
Super Crazy
Trevor Murdoch
Robbie McAllister

To ECW:
Charlie Haas
Big Show

Regardless of whether my picks actually come out, we can best believe that Smackdown will be raped once again. Batista and the Undertaker will likely be gone as both men need new changes of scenery. MVP could possibly stay if the WWE actually wants to push him. If not, expect him to debut on Raw where he can win the IC Title and do nothing for the next six months. Smackdown will also lose the Big Show if he wins the #1 contendership for the ECW Title at One Night Stand (which is my prediction). But hey, perhaps Smackdown could hit the jackpot and draft Triple H only to trade him back to Raw for 11 Superstars and the ECW Roster!

Fun Fact #44
Did you know that the last PPV to feature a World Heavyweight Championship match without Batista, Edge, or the Undertaker was Cyber Sunday 2006? During this span, Batista was in 14 consecutive championship matches up until this past December's Armageddon. I told you a change of scenery for both Batista and the Undertaker is necessary!

The New Blood V2.0

From ProWrestling.net (via the Observer), "WWE's creative team has been discussing the idea of starting a heel stable involving younger wrestlers. One proposal features a group of second generation wrestlers such as Ted DiBiase Jr., Afa Jr., D.H. Smith, Cody Rhodes, and perhaps Carlito as a mouthpiece.

There is also a proposal to make it a group of young wrestlers and not just second generation performers. Other wrestlers who have been mentioned as possible stable candidates include C.M. Punk and former TNA wrestler Chris Harris."

A new stable would be a great idea to freshen things up as we haven't seen a successful stable since Evolution (no, the Spirit Squad doesn't count). While I am not sure of the wrestling abilities of DiBiase or Afa Jr, both DH Smith and Cody Rhodes have been solid enough for rookies. I'd even throw in Natalyia. In order for the stable to truly succeed (because wrestling ability is not everything), it needs a boost of instant credibility. Carlito's not it. Someone like Randy Orton or even Chavo Guerrero would be the perfect mouthpiece to help the group get started. With Orton wanting to take on a lesser role on Raw, this would be a good way to keep him involved and out of storylines for the summer.

Why Mike Adamle Rules!



Yo momma, yo momma, yo momma, Jamaican Me Crazy!!! Seriously, this might be the greatest thing on the internet since "Two Girls and a Cup."


RANDOM NEWS UPDATE OF THE WEEK

I can see my fantasy I'm so consumed in bed
From the Observer, starting June 2nd, Tough Enough winner Maven will be a host on the Home Shopping Network.

It makes sense that Maven would take a job with the HSN. Really, the only thing he was good at in the WWE was selling! Ha, actually, he had quite the "match" with Shelton Benjamin at New Year's Revolution 2006. See below…



Saw V Plot Details Revealed!
TMZ has a posted video of the Ultimate Warrior speaking on Hulk Hogan's recent family problems. He even comments on the pictures of Hulk fondling his daughter's behind by saying that he was oiling up his wrong family member's ass. Yes, Warrior made a sodomy joke! To watch the video, click here .

Speaking of the Warrior, Meehan's favorite wrestler, Test, posted a semi-illiterate blog on the Warrior's upcoming return to wrestling. I promised Meehan he would get a first crack at it, so stay tuned for that tomorrow.


NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Scott Steiner Apologizes for his Royal Rumble 2003 Match!

In a recent interview with the Baltimore Sun, Scott Steiner decided he never wanted to go back to the WWE. Instead of focusing on his current run in TNA, he spent the majority of his time ripping on Triple H, HBK, Ric Flair, and the Big Show. Well, he only called the Big Show a crier, but still, I wouldn't talk shit about the Show. As for the other three, nothing new was mentioned by Steiner unless you had no idea that Triple H slept his way to the top! While we all like to Triple H bash, Steiner like many others believe that Trips only got to the top due to his relationship with Stephanie. That is false. The truth is he was able to keep his spot at the top for the last nine years due to his relationship! By the time Triple H and Stephanie started their storyline together (which led to their romance), Triple H was already a two-time WWE Champion. His other nine/ten championship wins came after they started knocking boots. Vince has wanted to push Triple H since 1996 (when he was supposed to win the King of the Ring tournament) while Steph was still deep in Macho at that moment.

Sting's Curtain Call

According to the Observer, "TNA is planning for the possibility of Sting retiring when his current contract expires at the end of the year. Company officials want to give him a proper sendoff after watching what WWE did for Ric Flair. At Slammiversary, the plan for Sting is to give an interview pondering his future in wrestling."

Here's hoping TNA finds a suitable storyline for Sting. While I wouldn't want to see the same storyline in TNA, I hope it's something better than a wacky hardcore match with Abyss.

Kevin Nash is not hungry… anymore

From Lords of Pain, "The eBay auction for dinner with Kevin Nash ended on Monday night and it didn't garner a single bid. The starting bid for the auction was $2,300."

If I were Nash, I would restart this auction after Vinne Mac gives away one million dollars. Then I would gladly eat dinner with Nash. What's better than a free meal, a cigar, and sitting around a fire pit with Big Daddy Cool? Perhaps, he can even show us his Award-Winning scene in Grandma's Boy or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: the Secret of the Ooze!




A Special Goodbye

Over the weekend, news broke on the cancellation of Heat. Seeing as I was 411's Resident Heat Reporter from 2005-2007, it saddens me to know that June will be Heat's last December. Seeing as there's four weeks left, I hope you all will join me in my RETURN to the HEAT REPORT!!! Yes, the Final Fantasy Heat Report will be back to celebrate the last month of Heat! Who says retirement is forever? Surely not Mick Foley!

Vince, I hope you're taking notes on how to deliver a MAJOR ANNOUCEMENT.

Meehan's in tomorrow.

For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!