The MeeThinks Friday FreeThinks: 05.30.08

Hiya folks, and welcome back to your regularly scheduled week-end dose of internet ‘rasslin optimism. Thanks to a newfound influx of “juicy” news items, last week’s column was a welcome return to form. This week, we’re a bit light in the way of hard-hitting news — but there’s a few stories (ranging from the mundane to the absurd) that’ll be worth discussing to pass the time. So we’ll get to those in just a second.

In the mean time —

Kindly accept this gratuitious YouTube video interlude (you might have noticed that this is becoming something of a regular feature. Feel free to post your greivances below).

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING WHATSOEVER
But Holy Crap is it Awesome All the Same

So this week I managed to score tickets to see the ever-impressive Ben Folds rockin’ the suburbs all the way out in the boonies of Vienna, Va. at the famed Barns at Wolf Trap outdoor ampitheatre. As usual, the guy’s show kicked all sorts of ass — but I was particularly impressed with the little lady who opened for him. Her name is Julia Nunes, and her schtick is pretty standard “opening act” fare… you know — pretty smile, lots of energy, bright and sunny material played on acoustic guitar and/or ukulele, and plenty of cover songs to get the crowd warmed up, etc. Catchy and quirky (and kind of sounded like a cross between Claire Danes and a quieter, medicated version of Alanis Morisette), but nothing beyond your usual singer/songwriter playbook.

What was AWESOME about this girl, however, was not just the fact that she managed to hammer out a few three-chord-ditties and perform for a sea of some ten thousand people, but the fact that she’s only just now wrapping up her first year of college. Yup, this chica isn’t even old enough to legally sip a Corona yet, and she’s already playing to sold-out crowds and opening for an international recording artist. Needless to say, I thought it was only fair to give her the spot of honor in our Gratuitous YouTube Video Interlude of the week.

So here’s the college frosh jamming out to a beautiful rendition of Connor Oberst’s “First Day of My Life” — which is a fantastic song in its own right, as I’m sure many of y’all know. So do sit back and enjoy.

Oh right — WRESTLING NEWS!

Rock & Roll.

RAW Draws a Terrible Rating
Monday’s 2.9 is Show’s Lowest Holiday Tally in Months

In fairness to WWE, it is obviously worth noting that Monday night *was* Memorial Day — and one with beautiful weather, at that — which meant that a sizable chunk of fans were too busy tending to holiday bidness to concern themselves with a two hour block of television. A lot of folks called bullshit on this line of defense, swearing up and down that “even if they were celebrating the holiday earlier in the day, people are usually home by 9 p.m. on Mondays of a three-day-weekend” — but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this isn’t always the case for even the most diehard of ‘rasslin fans out there. Heck, my buddies and I planned ourselves an uberbarbeque on Monday that started just after noon and rolled on WELL beyond the midnight hour (WTF? THIRTY PEOPLE ON ONE FREAKIN’ PORCH? That’s what we get for buying “good” booze and inviting the neighbors, I suppose), and so **I** didn’t even end up catching the damned thing (not even on TiVo)… and I NEVER miss RAW (like no joke, I think I’ve missed a sum total of like five episodes of the damned show in my entire life).

So again, I suppose the Memorial Day holiday is obviously responsible for at least *some* of the blame in this whole shebang.

HOWEVER –

Memorial Day *always* falls on a Monday (night), and so WWE really has little excuse on this one, as this past Monday’s RAW rating dipped substantially lower than it had over the past five years’ Memorial Day shows.

Take a look:

2008 — 2.9
2007 — 3.2
2006 — 3.8
2005 — 3.8
2004 — 3.2
2003 — 3.7

YEESH.

Now in double-fairness to WWE, a few of RAW’s regular viewers were probably elsewhere distracted courtesy of game two of the NHL’s Stanley Cup finals, which saw the Detroit Red Wings blank the Pittsburg Penguins 3-0. (yes, they *do* still televise professional hockey these days — albeit only to the tune of a whole 2.0 Nielsen rating). So again, perhaps it’s only right to give the ‘E at least a *bit* of a break here before freaking out over this one-off Monday night rating blip.

REGARDLESS —

A rating below 3.0 for RAW — which is widely considered both WWE’s and one of cable’s “flagship” broadcasts — is hardly something to smile about. We’ll see how long this downturn continues, but MeeThinks it most certainly hasn’t gone unnoticed by the backstage folks at WWE, and so we can most assuredly expect big things to come from our Monday night broadcasts over the coming weeks.

Like, for example…

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WWE to Give Away $1,000,000
Company Launches Fan Contest to Boost RAW Ratings

While the details about how exactly this sucker will actually go down are still being kept somewhat under wraps (translation = WWE hasn’t exactly figured it out themselves), the long and short of things is that World Wrestling Entertainment will be giving away a crapload of cash over the weeks to come; partly to “reward” fans for their loyal viewership, partly to curb the usual post-sweeps-week-ratings-freefall, and partly to entice folks who might otherwise TiVo the show to tune in LIVE (thus bumping the broadcast’s Nielsen ratings in the process). Whether Vinny Mac and Co. will actually be shelling out a solid one million bucks at a clip is still up in the air right now (hint: it’s not likely) — but the fact of the matter is that WWE is a publically held company, and so they’re going to have a hard time explaining it to their stockholders if (for whatever reason) they DON’T end up ponying up the dough before all’s said and done.

So what form will this take, then?

Chances are pretty high that WWE is smart enough *not* to blow a full-on $1 million payday in one fell swoop, and so MeeThinks we can expect the Vin Man’s flagship broadcast to tease some sort of weekly “reward” over the course of the weeks leading up to the 2008 WWE Draft (more on that below). As is the case with shows like “Deal or No Deal” and “The Apprentice” which encourage viewers to enter show-long contests by way of text messaging their “votes” in while the broadcast makes its way across the airwaves, you’ve gotta believe that there’s a good chance that WWE will steal a page from this playbook in order to capitalize on the live nature of their weekly RAW broadcasts.

So maybe a phone-in / text-a-thon of some sort?

Perhaps an exclusive (second) giveaway for those in live attendance?

A monthlong series of codes and clues (ala the “Save Us Y2J” videos) that all build to a major payday at the Draft?

Whatever the case may be, the bottom line here is that WWE is busting some serious ass to get people talking about their product (and their flagship broadcast) again — and it seems to be working (though we’ll find out for sure judging by next week’s rating). Sure it’s a pretty penny — but when you consider just how small a figure $1 million is when stacked against the overall operating budget of an international multimedia powerhouse outlet like WWE? Seems to Mee that one million bucks of “free advertising” that’s almost guaranteed to bump your ratings is a ridiculously easy call to make.

That, friends, is what we in the media world like to call “money well spent.”

So stay tuned to RAW this week — because I know I will.

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Vince McMahon Announces 2008 WWE Draft
Wrestling’s #1 Promotion to Reshuffle Rosters Next Month

Obviously the other major news item out of WWE this week was the announcement of the 2008 Draft (“Draft Lottery?” Ah, whatever…), which means that all three shows will soon be witnessing a major shakeup in the days to come. As we recall, last year’s draft was an infamous an virtually unmitigated disaster — lowlighted by the veritable rape and pillaging of the Smackdown roster, and summarily blown to smithereens by the most unfortunate and untimely Benoit family tragedy (and the ensuing fallout/ Wellness scandals) that ensued just weeks thereafter.

But before we go jumping to conclusions that the Draft is simply WWE’s onscreen excuse for strip-mining the blue brand in order to front-load their “A” show, MeeThinks it is most definitely worth noting that the Draft itself actually did a lot *less* damage to the overall shape of the WWE rosters than was ultimately done by the Benoit family tragedy and its fallout in the weeks that followed.

Think about it for a sec —

Last year’s televised portion of the draft worked out a little something like this:

SMACKDOWN ended up with:
The Great Khali (now on sabbatical) w/ Ranjin Singh (no longer on television)
Torrie Wilson (no longer with WWE)
Ric Flair (now in retirement)

ECW ended up with:
Chris Benoit (now deceased)
The Boogeyman (now on injured reserve)

RAW ended up with:
King Booker (Wellness suspension shortly thereafter / no longer with WWE)
Bobby Lashley (injured shortly thereafter / no longer with WWE)
Snitsky (Wellness suspension shortly thereafter)
Mr. Kennedy (Wellness suspension shortly thereafter)

From Wellness-related suspensions to Wellness-related sabbaticals all the way to Wellness-related walkouts, it’s pretty clear that virtually all of these draft transactions (save maybe Flair) were absolutely and most immediately devastated by the Benoit tragedy and its after effects.

Now sure, Smackdown was stripped of Kennedy (who seemed to have been headed for a main event run) and Booker (whose “King” gimmick had pretty well run his course), and saddled with Flair (who ended up not wrestling at all, and then wrestling on EVERY show before all was said and done) and Khali in return. But then again, the fact that Flair stranded his protege (Batista) on the “B-show” in favor of a WrestleMania showdown against RAW’s Shawn Michaels ultimately left wrestling fans with the seeds for what could arguably be called the best angle in wrestling today (namely, the “Batista vs. HBK over Flair’s legacy” fallout feud)… so perhaps this wasn’t all for the worst.

And Khali? Say what you will about the man’s in-ring abilities (or COMPLETE lack thereof), but the guy ended up being a perfectly suitable “best of what’s around” choice for the show’s World Champion by the end of the year, so perhaps we shouldn’t be too quick to complain.

ECW, meanwhile, was primed for a most promising “reboot” last summer and seemed destined to serve as the breeding grounds for some of WWE’s strongest in-ring contests, courtesy of the veteran know-how and technical prowess of one Chris Benoit — who was quickly penciled in to be THE (long sounding “eeee”) brand’s number one guy. And with Benoit at the top of the title chase, mat wrestling fans the world over salivated at the prospect of showdowns between the Rabid Wolverine and the perpetual challenger to ECW gold in the Straightedge Superstar, CM Punk. Obviously (and most tragically for all parties involved), this did not pan out anywhere NEAR a fashion that anyone both in or outside of a WWE lockerroom could have ever predicted — and so the purple brand was soon relegated to the bastard stepchild of Smackdown, as they struggled to find a style and audience of their own on a SciFi network that seemed reluctant to keep them around altogether.

But again — this has a LOT more to do with the Benoit family tragedy than it does with the actual results of the Draft reshuffling itself.

And as for RAW?

Well, Lashley and Booker both went bye-bye for various reasons by the close of the summer — but “anybody with half a brain” (as Lindsay Lohan’s dad might say) could tell you that these two superstars beef with WWE had at least SOMEthing to do with the suddenly-serious Wellness policy that had previously grown ragged in the months prior to the Benoit murder/suicide. Booker was a repeat Wellness offender with an axe to grind at WWE’s “selective enforcement” of the policy, and so he felt like a scapegoat when the other shoe fell and he was forced to ride the pine without pay for 60 days after getting nabbed for a second infraction. So much so, in fact, that he even hemmed and hawwed and threatened to take legal action against WWE for their drug testing double-standards.

(Still waiting on that summons, Booker).

Lashley, meanwhile, was ALWAYS a suspect physique when it came to issues of “performance enhancing supplements” (remember the “elevated liver enzyme scare,” anyone?) — and when the Wellness police started tightening things up around WWE headquarters… well, let’s just say that it seemed *awfully* coincidental that “The Dominator” wound up going down with an all-too-timely (suspicious? NEVER!) muscle tear just after Backlash.

But again —

Both of these issues are Wellness related… NOT Draft related.

Ditto for Mr. Kennedy, who totally shot himself in the foot (after sticking it firmly in his own mouth) by getting busted for buying supplements off of the internet during what was arguably the biggest push of his young career.

Still —

The DRAFT didn’t derail WWE’s booking plans and leave its shows stripmined and stale for the better part of six months — the Benoit family tragedy and the ensuing WELLNESS enforcement did.

As such, I’m going to go ahead and call myself “cautiously optimistic” about this year’s Draft. Not only will it shake the rosters up (as it has done for each of the previous incarnations), but it will also give fans the chance to break from the status quo of not one, not two, but THREE separate rosters that have really taken a creative (not to mention a physical) beating over the past twelve months. To wit, it’s almost a “reset” button.

So who’s moving?

That all remains to be seen. But if I were a betting man, I’d probably put some serious coin on some combination of the following:

William Regal (quietly reshuffled off of RAW to return after his suspension wraps)
Umaga (who is totally wasted on the red brand these days)
Chris Jericho (whose career could absolutely take off with a swap to Smackdown)
MVP or Matt Hardy (the blue brand isn’t big enough for both men)
Batista or Edge (just because Undertaker has always been the cornerstone of Smackdown)
CM Punk (has accomplished everything he can on ECW, and could use a change of scenery)
Big Show (ECW-bound? Headed to Mondays? Don’t say I didn’t call it!)

Obviously, this is all just pure speculation at this point in the game — so keep checking back for updates in the weeks to come. Regardless of how things shape up, however, a shake up of all three brands is most definitely in order… and it’s a great thing to see the shows prepping for a “shot in the arm” that DOESN’T come in the form of some sketchball pharmacy over the internet.

Andrew “Test” Martin Doesn’t Like the Warrior
Former Grappler Posts Drunken MySpace Rant on Ex WWF Champ

Since my esteemed colleague Jeff Small was kind enough to gimme a plug in his column yesterday, I thought it was only fair to post this puppy on here for y’all’s enjoyment to round out today’s (rather light) batch of news items. I have no actual confirmation that Test himself was the “brain” behind this particular nugget-o-WrestleCrap… but the bottom line was that it appeared on his MySpace page, and so it seems only fair to slap it on here and let y’all judge for yourselves.

(note: I haven’t changed a word of this post — though this gem of an item has since been pulled from his site’s archives, for what it’s worth)

“I’m not going to br sing this as a wrestling formum nyore but I will say this,,,thrE Ultimate Warirr is coming bacj, I;m 33 and noly remember who he as and thry expect the average san of to dat to
remember wg..ho he is. I rememer Warior as the guy who ran to the ring he was so bown up he couln;t do anyhing in the ring,I remembr when Warrior opened up warrior university and at the ime I actually thought
it was way to ake it nto pro westling yhat was until I met my idol zzzzzzzzzzzzzzbret hart and I’ll never forget as long a I live brets exact words”warrior coulnn’t even put youin a headlock, let alone teachyou how to put u in one. Brets gret guy who always hs a funny stry to tell. Now this story Bret told me about the Warrrior I have
ahd no chuckle just disgust and wouldn’t mind putting an old washedup ma i his place. as the story goes to Bret the hild who was brouht in the back because his dream was to see th Ultimate Warriop buy of course Warrior had no time for him not vrn a pvture ur an autraph and thr kids dream ws to met this piese uf **** and he went out in the crowd without a care in the worl, excuse my language but you are a 1st class piece of ****. and you think you are goinh to draw peole yu couldn’t draw flys when Hogan graciouly hande you yh brlt. Younever loved wrestlinh like all of uds you wre there for thr payday and that’s wy Hogan had to come baxk and yuwere wearing a singlet wit muscles painted om lke we couldnt tell u werent on the juice, there ar
thoseho need juice and those that don’t. You neded an iv hooked up to you. Im my mind you wanted toplay the
sould00000000000000000000000000000000 you loved likemfootballand so on. You must have realized prtty quick you suckd but you could have gotten beter 000000000000000000000000000it bestwhen he tld me how was Igoimgto learn anything at wrrioys”

Ummm…

Err…

Uhh…

Yup, that about sums it up.

And With That, I’m Outta’ Here

I’ll call it a day here, folks. Have a killer start to the summer months and enjoy the pay per view (whew, that came fast and furious, no?) this Sunday. As always, I’ll be back here in seven with a fresh batch of ‘rasslin news for your edification and enjoyment (and critical analysis — a.k.a. “incessant bitching” — usually reserved for the comments section below). So we’ll catch you back here next Friday. Enjoy the kickstart to summer, and always stay positive.

– Meehan

The National Domestic Violence Hotline : [phone]-SAFE.