The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 06.05.08
Posted by Jeff Small on 06.05.2008
Everybody Get Dangerous!!!
And One to Start With…
From commenter yincia in the Smackdown spoilers post, "Khali is back! I can't wait for Thursday to read what Small with write about it!"
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
Keep waiting….
Yes, yes….
WHAMMY!!!!!!!
Welcome back to the news report that's more stubborn than Hillary Clinton, the Small-For-All News Report! In today's edition, I apologize to the Great Khali, gossip on the latest WWE Power Couple, throw in random YouTube videos for the hell of it, and preview SlammiVersary, a PPV I had no idea was taking place until I began my usual pre-news report ritual! Seriously, with all of the recent WWE PPVs over saturating the market, TNA is really getting the brunt of it. Perhaps that's Vinnie Mac's secret after all!
NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS
It's never too late to apologize, onerepublic
Last week, I mentioned that I was giving a rest to the Khali news updates due to the lack of newsworthy reports from India. In fact, I went as far as to say "Fuck the Great Khali" which really wasn't called for. The Punjabi Warrior did nothing wrong by returning to his homeland. The newfound fame he received in India was awesome and as Khali's #1 American Fan, I wanted to share all the news that I could. And I did and it was excellent. Super excellent. But when I went to search for items last week and there were none, I was distraught. How can I continue the Khali-For-All without any Khali news? It didn't make sense and left me agitated. Well who knew that the reason for a lack of Khali updates last week was because of his super-secret arrival back to the WWE?
Yes, Khali is back and he's better than ever. This coming Friday Khali returns to Smackdown as a face. And why not? If he receives a warrior's welcome in his homeland, surely, us Americans love him too. Considering he has a larger moveset than John Cena (who's hot shit in the WWE), it shouldn't be hard to get those pesky traditional WWE fans to cheer him. Plus, he's got the backing of me and the millions of Smallophiles. Right? Right? Right?
Anyway during this past week, I decided to record a public apology in case the Great Khali returned. Good thing I did!
KHALI IS BACK BITCHES!!!!
End Report.
See No Evil Indeed
From the mainpage, "The Big Show has been diagnosed with a fracture of the sinus cavity and possibly his orbital bone. Big Show saw a specialist Wednesday in Los Angeles for further examination."
The results from Wednesday's meeting has not surfaced yet though we all wish that the prognosis is good. For those of you who saw One Night Stand on Sunday (and if you didn't, I recommend the DVD) saw that the Show was busted open the hardway towards the end of the match. What looked like a minor injury became a tad more serious when Show couldn't open his eye Monday morning.
While I have ZERO interest in a Big Show vs. Kane match (nine years ago that match did not excite me), it sucks to see the big man go down to injury. Hell, it sucks that after his epic feud with Floyd Mayweather, Show's been given nothing to do. Originally, he was going to feud with the Undertaker but that went out the window when Vince decided to run Edge vs. the Undertaker into the ground. Even a short feud with the amazin' Khali kinda sucked.
The Return of the RNN?
From PWInsider, "The official diagnosis on Randy Orton's injury is a compress fracture of his left collarbone. Orton is expected to be out two to three months at this point, so he should likely be back in the ring by September."
Show was not the only main eventer to be injured on Sunday as our beloved Randy Orton fell victim to a nasty injury. It's quite unfortunate too seeing as Orton has busted his ass for the Raw brand since October. With that said, I'm not too upset to see Orton off of my television as he wanted time off to spend with his new wife. While I doubt he wanted to go down to injury, he did receive his wish. Fret not youngins because without Orton at the top, the WWE can now push other worthy up-and-coming superstars such as Shawn Michaels, John Cena, and JBL!
The Newest WWE Power Couple
According to PWInsider, John Cena and Mickie James are dating in real-life. It was Vince McMahon's idea to use their romance and spin it into a WWE storyline.
Like Cena needed another reason to be hated by most WWE fans! While neither PerezHilton nor TMZ (my favorite sources) have confirmed the above, I already believe it. Look, Mickie was getting nowhere banging Kenny Dykstra. Sure at one point, he was the leader of the Spirit Squad and appeared to be getting a push. But since the group disbanded, he's been nothing more than a loser. Mickie was correct in calling off of their engagement to move onto better things. And who bettah than John Cena? (Well maybe Khali.)
Hey, Cena mentioned month's ago that he's a big fan of "Double Meat." Who knew he was referring to roast beef?
The Sequel No One Was Waiting For!
From prowrestling.net, "Stephanie McMahon-Levesque has not been going on the road for television tapings for several weeks now due to her pregnancy. It is widely assumed that she will be taking a lengthy maternity leave once she delivers her second child. It was made clear during her last maternity leave that she would not be involved in the creative process, and she had little, if any, communication with the creative team while she was away."
Judging by the creative team's inability to create sensible storylines since Michael Hayes's suspension, I do not even want to see the holding pattern once Stephanie leaves. Then again, with Steph away, perhaps Paul London could get a push… NOT!!!
Feast Your Eyes on This!
Seeing how I am your constant source of WWE PPV posters, here's the one for the upcoming Great American Bash.
Notice how this is the first Great American Bash logo without any use of patriotic themes. Then again, it does have a Jap succumbing to defeat!
Salute Your Shorts
According to gerweck.net, "Mick Foley put all of his TV projects on hold when WWE called and offered him the color commentating position on Smackdown. A television pilot called "Hey Dude" was slated to star Foley, and believe it or not, the former WWE champion was in negotiations to be the executive producer as well. Those now being considered the for the starring role include Jon Bon Jovi, Rupert Boneham from Survivor, Dee Snyder of Twisted Sister fame, Kevin Nash, Kurt Angle, Jake Roberts and Diamond Dallas Page."
But if Kurt Angle stars in this series, who would take up 2/3rds of all Impact segments? Personally, I am rooting for DDP here just because. If only Foley's TV project was a remake of the original…
And if you think I only even quoted this story in order to use the Youtube video, you are damn correct!
NEWS FROM O-TOWN
Slammiversary Preview
Seeing as I was unable to find any other TNA news, here's the lineup for their PPV on Sunday:
THE ANNUAL "KING OF THE MOUNTAIN" MATCH: FOR THE TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Special Enforcer: Kevin Nash
Champion Samoa Joe vs. Robert Roode vs. Booker T vs. "The Instant Classic" Christian Cage vs. "The War Machine" Rhino
TNA GRUDGE MATCH
"The Phenomenal" AJ Styles vs. Olympic Gold Medalist Kurt Angle
X DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Champion "Maple Leaf Muscle" Petey Williams vs. Kaz
TNA WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Champions The Latin American Xchange vs. Team 3D
JAY LETHAL AND SOCAL VAL GET MARRIED!
Special Guests include Best Man Sonjay Dutt, American Idol Ace Young (who?), Jake Roberts, Koko B. Ware, George "The Animal" Steele and Kamala
I'm assuming a Women's match (probably the Beautiful People vs. Gail Kim and Roxxi) and perhaps another will be added to the card. As for how the card stands now, it looks good on paper but nothing I would go out of my way to see. Styles vs. Angle and the KotM have the possibility of being very good but it will depend upon Angle's injured neck and the booking of the main event.
Really, I am most looking forward to the wedding between Black Machismo and SoCal Val. Wrestling weddings are always fun and this one is shaping up to be a classic with the inclusion of Wedding Singer Kamala and Jake Roberts. Considering the original Macho Man/Elizabeth wedding featured interference from "the Snake", I hope there will be a reference to this at the show. It's unfortunate that Sonjay Dutt will be turning on Lethal at the end of the wedding seeing as how a Dutt/Lethal match will not rock anyone's world.
Larry will have Live Coverage right here at 411Mania!!!
COMING ATTRACTIONS
I got nothing. Well except that Randle is now making petty comments about me! Funny how things change when you become the Punjabi Warrior of the News Reports.
Meehan's in tomorrow.
For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's why Cena is my favorite wrestler. I guess his 5 moves get the job done, don't they?
Posted By: Angry Bear (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 12:13 AM
Has Vince learned anything from using couples that date off-screen for on-screen storylines? Besides HHH/Steph, have any of the relationships actually turned out well?
I suspect that they aren't seeing each other, as their skits together are so awkward.
Posted By: MarkyMark (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 12:18 AM
"Then again, it does have a Jap succumbing to defeat!"
-To a Canadian.
Posted By: synn (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 12:59 AM
I'm thinking Arby's
Posted By: John Cena (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 01:51 AM
"Wrestling weddings are always fun"
All recorded evidence begs to differ.
Posted By: Jase (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 02:19 AM
Lucky prick, any man who is doing that has my instant respect - Even thought he had it and it means the world to him.
Gang Bang Commickie now in session
Posted By: Im now a Cena fan (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 02:20 AM
I refuse to believe that a fellow Richmonder would bother with Cena...but then again, we lean towards Boston stuff around here despite the fact we have DC an hour and a half away...regardless, very disappointed.
Posted By: Ramsey (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 02:28 AM
anyone notice the irony that the Great AMERICAN Bash poster features no Americans? And instead has a Canadian superstar and a Japanese ham 'n' egger
Posted By: K-Man (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 03:42 AM
"Has Vince learned anything from using couples that date off-screen for
on-screen storylines? Besides HHH/Steph, have any of the
relationships actually turned out well?"
Tommy Dreamer and Beulah McGillicutty?
Posted By: Guest#9011 (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 04:33 AM
american idol loser ace young is going to sing at socal/lethal's wedding. i guess justin guarini and taylor hicks were too busy.
Posted By: rey (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 05:24 AM
Am I missing something here? I could have sworn Cena was either married or engaged.
Posted By: Whiteyford (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 06:46 AM
why do people ocmplain cena only has 5 moves? you dont need any fucking more wwe 'stars' are not indy wrestlers they do not need to do 1001 moves
Posted By: booboobear (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 07:20 AM
I thought Cena was engaged to be married to some woman from his hometown???
Posted By: C-Girl (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 08:12 AM
Mickie you've broken my heart you vile woman.
Posted By: Jake Fury (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 08:20 AM
Dude, Khali has chop, clothesling, nerve pinch, head squeeze, big boot and chokebomb.
He might have more moves than Cena ( I don't think so) but I'd rather see a neckbreaker, an STF, a flying shoulderblock, and a top rope legdrop bulldog, then that boreing moveset.
Posted By: Davy (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 08:45 AM
FYI
5 knuckle shuffle
fu
stfu
protoplex
somersault neckbreaker
top rope fame asser
I have just listed SIX SIGNITURE MOVES that cena uses. Add in the following:
Using lies to make yourself feel more involved in the IWC sheep pen is not at all credible.
Posted By: Liar (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 08:59 AM
Alright...I've known you for a long time and always thought you were a bit off...but I'm really starting to think you have a thing for Khali. Is it the mole on his chest? Is it his Oscar-worthy acting? Please...let us know
Posted By: Kegger (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 09:45 AM
does any one remember when some wrestler (edge) took some other wrestler's (matt hardy) girlfriend (lita),while he was on the shelf and it became one the the biggest comebacks ever, I AM OFFICIALLY CALLING IT--CENA/JAMES/DYKSTRA-- and if the writers need help just have them watch the tapes and give cena the mic and it will write itself!!!!!!!!!
Posted By: otis (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 10:01 AM
Ramsey, she's the best thing to ever come out of Richmond, we should be more supportive!
Posted By: Ryder (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 10:15 AM
Cena was never married, he is an admitted Whore.
It is awesome that the Great American Bash poster has no americans on it.
Posted By: Toddo (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 10:26 AM
"Notice how this is the first Great American Bash logo without any use of patriotic themes. Then again, it does have a Jap succumbing to defeat! "
...at the hands of a Canadian:P
Posted By: moosefan (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 10:27 AM
"5 knuckle shuffle
fu
stfu
protoplex
somersault neckbreaker
top rope fame asser"
can i correct you:
fist drop
firemans carry
stf
sloppy backdrop
proto-i'm surely getting more hurt then you-plex
leg drop
yeah i guess you could pick apart any wrestlers moves but i don't like cena
Posted By: Harry (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 10:32 AM
John Cena loves his Arby's Extra Beefy Roast Beast see you next tuesday lips!!!!
Posted By: dy-no-mite3000 (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 11:09 AM
It's not about liking Cena or not. It's about telling lies to fuel your argument.
Posted By: Liar (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 11:24 AM
Move # 18: ARMBAR!
Posted By: Jericho (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 12:08 PM
The greatest wrestling wedding moment was at the Smackdown wedding when Krystal fell backwards down the steps right on her ass and RIGHT in front of Vince and Stephanie. You could see the look of disgust and embarrassment in their eyes lulz
Posted By: natedoggcata (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 12:13 PM
Not for nothing but... Pretty much every wrestler has punches and kicks in their moveset. The same for headlocks and Chinlocks. Don't act like Cena is the only that does these moves.
Posted By: soulpower (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 12:27 PM
Great fuckin column. Best quote was "roast beef." Ahaha, classic.
Posted By: MBD (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 01:01 PM
Cena Rules, and you all want to be him! He still os no EDGE, but who really is.
Posted By: Dave S (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 01:29 PM
What do you mean you thought Cena was engaged? I thought Mickie was the one engaged to Kenny Dykstra or whatever his name is?
Posted By: Kevin F. (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 01:55 PM
If Mickie James is dating guys who she thinks will help advance her own career if they're getting a push and then dumps them when they don't get a push, then that is just really, really shallow. Or, maybe she's just really horny and wants to get with as many guys as she can, plays the "girlfriend" role to not appear slutty, then moves on to someone else. Chicks will do that. First, Dyskstra, then Carlito, now Cena. She sure gets around. Who's next? Maybe she'll stay with Cena the longest seeing as how he's going to be pushed for a very, very long time and she sees him as her ticket to stardom. Some chicks,man. Some chicks. Pheeeew.
Posted By: Chico (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 02:12 PM
"5 knuckle shuffle
fu
stfu
protoplex
somersault neckbreaker
top rope fame asser"
can i correct you:
fist drop
firemans carry
stf
sloppy backdrop
proto-i'm surely getting more hurt then you-plex
leg drop
yeah i guess you could pick apart any wrestlers moves but i don't
like cena
Posted By: Harry (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 10:32 AM
Isn't "5 knuckle shuffle" a euphamism for, uh, let me choose carefully here, um,.. a euphamism for,.... uh, "shining the nightstick" and/or "waxing the dolphin". You know what I'm saying? It's just wrong to call a wrestling something like that.
Posted By: Chico (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 02:22 PM
According to PWInsider, John Cena and Mickie James are dating in real-life. It was Vince McMahon's idea to use their romance and spin it into a WWE storyline.
Like Cena needed another reason to be hated by most WWE fans! While neither PerezHilton nor TMZ (my favorite sources) have confirmed the above, I already believe it. Look, Mickie was getting nowhere banging Kenny Dykstra. Sure at one point, he was the leader of the Spirit Squad and appeared to be getting a push. But since the group disbanded, he's been nothing more than a loser. Mickie was correct in calling off of their engagement to move onto better things. And who bettah than John Cena? (Well maybe Khali.)
If Mickie James dumps guys in the REAL world becasue of their status in the PRETEND world of wreslting, then that is just really, really shallow of her.
Posted By: Chico (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 02:45 PM
Khali is gonna team up with D-LO BROWN!!!!!!1111111111111111
Posted By: daniel (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 03:54 PM
Wasn't it just a few weeks ago that in Cena's interview with Steel Cage Report he admitted going to "establishments of ill repute" when out on the road? Wonder in Mickie saw that one or if he's mentioned it.
Posted By: Dave (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 04:00 PM
everyboys forgetting that abyss is returning this sunday
Posted By: Guest#9152 (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 04:12 PM
Wait last time I checked Cena liked it less fat/more meat! am I right Jared?
Posted By: Subway (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 05:03 PM
5 knuckle shuffle lol. Chico has a point. Can we call it the People Porridge Pounce, or Firing off Knuckle Children? As long as he doesn't call it the Flesh Colored Mayonnaise Gun!
Posted By: whiteburbia (Registered) on June 05, 2008 at 05:05 PM
If only you could have worked in a "Welcome Freshman" reference.
Christine Taylor was the only reason I watched Hey Dude.
Posted By: D (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 05:10 PM
Small, that poster is a fake mate.
Posted By: Tricky (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 07:53 PM
Khali has a larger moveset that Cena. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank You Small.
Posted By: Scrotum Pole (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 08:18 PM
Wow a "Hey Dude!"reference. I dont even think the cast of Hey Dude remebers they were on Hey Dude.
Posted By: Thats Obscure (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 09:47 PM
I guess Cena liked what he saw in the LEGGS Magazine.....I know I look at her different now
Posted By: untamedspirit (Guest) on June 05, 2008 at 11:06 PM
