The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 06.12.08

Posted by Jeff Small on 06.12.2008

Da Drought is Over!!!

It's Official…

I've jumped the shark. I promised myself I would not bring up John Cena in my news report unless something important happened to him (for example – injuries or the return of his yarmulke line). However, last week, I did it. I wrote that Cena had a smaller moveset than the Great Khali. What I thought was a silly little comment that should have went unnoticed exploded on the super-secret Small-For-All Message Board. Forty-three comments later and the shark was jumped.


Perhaps it's a good thing I jumped!

Kudos to those who can immediately know what movie the picture is from.

Bonus points for those that remember "The Line."

As for the rest of you...

Wait for it…


Wait for it…


Keep waiting….


Yes, yes….




AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!




Welcome back to the news report that flies harder than a geese erection, the Thursday Small-For-All News Report. In today's news, we go behind the scenes at last Monday's "Million Dollar Disaster", discuss the inevitable return of D'lo Brown, post a retraction in regards to the Great American Bash poster, and lastly, preview this Sunday's PPV. Oh wait, there's no PPV this week. Thank the Lord. Happy dance commence!


NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

The Great Million Dollar Disaster

I think we are all in agreement that this past Monday's "Million Dollar Giveaway" segments were beyond boring. As other have mentioned, outside of Vince being "Rick Roll'ed" (which I say was intentional), nothing good came out of these segments. Hell, the live crowd clearly was not into these segments and could you blame them: they paid money to watch Vince McMahon play phone tag!!! Even a Snitsky and Umaga pairing was not enough to awaken the dead.

Regardless, there were a couple of "newsworthy" items that have know been released to the public. First the obvious from the main page, "WWE management is aware of how badly the Vince McMahon giveaway segments came off on RAW this past Monday and are working to make them "more fun" for the next RAW."

Considering how fun the Diva Search segments turned out to be, here's hoping someone calls Vince McMahon a ***-swallowing gutter slut after he/she wins the $2 prize!

Second, according to Gerweck, "the bit on Raw where Charlie Haas helped Vince McMahon give away money was a rib on Vince by the creative team as McMahon once said he would rather watch paint dry than watch Haas wrestle. Vince took the rib in stride and actually thought it was pretty funny."

Seeing as the Vince already coined the phrase "Charlie Haas heat" to refer to any segment that is devoid of crowd involvement, this should be no surprise. Then again, I'm surprised that the writing team has not changed Haas's hometown to the Nassau Coliseum. But hey, if someone's reading this and thinks it's a good idea, I would like a cookie as repayment. Or maybe one of these…



What you see above is a WWE basket that was sent to Newsday writer Alfonso Castillo. The WWE is trying to get their "Million Dollar Giveaway" more press by bribing the press! An ingenious idea if you ask me. I mean who wouldn't want the contents of this basket:

three Vince McMahon "Money" t-shirts

assorted currency themed candy (100 Grand bar, fortune cookies, and Gold Diggers gum

three cookies shaped in the letters "W" "W" "E"

a WWE pimp cup (to drink your MamaJuana juice (sold separately))

a postcard from Vinne Mac himself

$4.94

If only they threw in a free Mexican in a Mexican Basket (MEXICAN BASKET)! Seriously, would five dollars and a pimp cup really inspire someone to write how ingenious Vince McMahon's latest revolutionary idea is? The sad thing is that no one in Creative realizes (or better yet, has the balls to tell Vince) that the key to increased viewership is an emphasis on better storylines. Dunn summed that up weeks ago when Vince announced his "Million Dollar event." It shouldn't be surprising that the most successful Wrestlemanias occurred when there were good storylines leading up to it. It's really not that shocking… or is it?

You Can Thank Me Later (SPOILERS)

With an international tour on the horizon, the WWE has already taped next week's ECW and Smackdown shows! Below you will find the spoilers for the next two weeks of Smackdown and next week's ECW show. Now why would I want to spoil so much for you? Well, because I am trying to save you five hours of your life. FIVE HOURS that can be spent doing uh…

sending e-mails to your pen pals

blowing up your girlfriend

watching the last six episodes of Heat

Or you can do what I'll be doing. Finishing my Great Khali shrine!

Smackdown Spoilers for June 13th
MVP insults Mexicans and Rey Mysterio, Vickie books an epic main event (Batista vs. Khali), Johnny Nitro defeated Fit Finlay, CM Punk hints at the day he will lose his Money in the Bank shot (hint, it's where Darth Mortis works), Mark Henry eats Tommy Dreamer, Cherry beats Maryse, MVP defeats (who else) Punk via DQ, Matt Hardy defeats Custom Chucky P, Biscuits N Grazy beats the Untouchables, and in our main event, the Great Khali defeats Batista… on Indian TV!

ECW Spoilers for June 17th
In an epic rematch, Armando Estrada curtain jerks and jobs to Hornswoggle, Evan Bourne uses a banned maneuver to beat Matt Striker, Kofi Kingston defeats Mike Knox via DQ, and in our main event, CM Punk actually wins a match (against John Morrison).

Smackdown Spoilers for June 20th
MVP somewhat turns face before being sacrificed to Kane, Matt Hardy defeats Bam Neely, Michelle McCool continues to be run rampant over the rest of the Women's roster, Vladimir Kozlov pins Jaime Noble, Kane defeats MVP in a nod to their Cyber Sunday classic, the Great Khali defeats evil Charles Robinson, Biscuits N Grazy beat the Untouchables again, and in our main event, Batista loses to Chavo Guerrero!

Of course if the ratings for both shows drop over the next week, you know the one man who you can blame:



The Return of the Brown

Oh man, who is not excited for the return of D'lo Brown? I spent plenty of time speaking about his "inevitable" return last August, so there's not much more to say now. Will D'lo appear on ECW where he can fight whitey with Teddy Long? Will D'lo go to Smackdown and receive a "Finlay-esque" push? Will D'lo go to the main show only to be squashed by Paul Birchill? So many questions lie ahead.

For those who do not see what the big deal is about D'lo Brown getting another shot at fame, let me remind you that D'lo Brown (along with Val Venis) was a future can't miss prospect in 1998. However, D'lo's push (along with Venis's) dwindled once his biggest supporter (Vince Russo) left the WWE. It's nice to see D'lo getting a second chance after being stuck with awful gimmicks after accidentally paralyzing Droz.

To celebrate his return, here are the best D'lo videos I could find on YouTube.

D'lo Brown vs. X-Pac from 09.21.98


D'lo Brown vs. Tommy Dreamer in a Singapore Cane Match


The American Dragon in the WWE

The IWC is abuzz with Bryan Danielson wrestling a Dark Match (and winning) on Monday night. While I can see why some might be pumped, the WWE already had an opportunity at signing Danielson after his epic showdown with the WWE's Greatest Technical Wrestler. For those who might have missed this match in 2003, I have the hook up for you now:



Sadly, no Canadians or Asians were involved in this process

A retraction from last week. Here is the *final* Great American Bash poster:


One of these things is not like the others!

I apologize to 411 and those who I might have misled. Speaking of those who have misled the public…

Thanks to Wellness, Jimmy Wang Yang is now shriveled! News at 11!


NEWS FROM O-TOWN

If I May Be Serious For a Moment

Sad news from Slammiversary as after the show ended, TNA crew member Kevin Sinex fell to his death after the scaffold he was on collapsed. One other man lost his thumb in the same accident.

TNA paid their respects to the fallen worker by holding a moment of silence, wearing matching armbands, and possibly doing something for Sinex's family. Here at 411, we all send our deepest thoughts and prayers to Sinex's family.

Quick N Dirty TNA News

From Prowrestling.net,

Scott D'Amore has heat for upgrading his ticket to business class.

Not only that but he made Sonjay Dutt pay for his in-air Snack Pack!

TNA is currently in the midst of their first UK tour.

If only a Flight From Hell erupts on the ride home. We haven't had one of those in six years!

Kurt Angle is nursing a sore neck, which he re-aggravated during his match with AJ Styles at Slammiversary.

And in unrelated news, Torrie Wilson's back feels much better.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Tune in next week when I finally give my thoughts on the neverending Hogan Family saga!!! Until then…

There's a 60% chance that Meehan's in tomorrow.

For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!