The UnDream Match 06.14.08: The Stasiaks vs. The Finlays.
Posted by Mathew Sforcina on 06.14.2008
In deference to the whole 2nd/3rd Generation craze, the UnDream Match is there to fill in the odd gap in the 411 lineup!
Writer's Notes: See, next week I'll be wrestling at Sydney Supanova (Come along if you live in Sydney. Everything a nerd could want, plus you can try and make me laugh when I'm in the ring by referring to 411), and thus can't really do an ES that week (I have an idea to cover it though, as soon as I talk to Meehan). And since I HAVE to do Taker now, and he's clearly more than a week, I'm holding off till 2 weeks. So, instead, you get another UDM which I know you all love. Enjoy!
Notice how the WWE seems to be overrun with second and third generation stars right now? Lots of Jr. this and daughter of legendary wrestler that. Some currently hold titles, others are set for title shots soon, and even more seem to be waiting for their moment to strike. And in this time of multigenerational superstars, dream match discussions eventually turn to this. What if Rock and his daddy and his granddaddy fought Randy Orton and his daddy and his daddy's daddy? The Neidharts vs. The Von Erichs in a mixed tag, people wondering where IRS' son is so he can team with Ted Jr.
Actually, I think he's off playing football, so it's unlikely right now, but inevitable soon enough. Money Inc. 2010 baby!
Ahem. The point stands, that these matches are being dreamed about. So, naturally, it's time for an UnDream Match to occur. Fighting it out in a tag match no-one would dream about but is still just that, a match between a former WWE Champion and his son, who managed to win gold over 19 times in his career, taking on the only father and son tag team in the WWE today (that doesn't actually own the company). Who would win in the battle of Heart Punch and Blind Charges vs. The Shillelagh Boys? Who would win in-
The Stasiaks (Stan & Shawn) VS. The Finlays (Fit & Hornswoggle)
Brief Background:
Stan "The Man" Stasiak was a Canadian born wrestler, debuting in the late 50's. With a reputation as a ‘Crusher' and a mighty bear hug, he fought all over Canada, before developing the Heart Punch and with it, began to tour America as well. He held gold in many companies, but his biggest and most well known title reign was in the WWWF, the World Wide Wrestling Federation. On December 1st, 1973 he pinned Pedro Morales via a lift shoulder after a Belly to Back Suplex, winning the WWWF title. 9 days later, he lost it to Bruno Sammartino. He later retired from the sport, becoming a security guard before passing away in 1997. Man, who'd want to be caught for shoplifting by a former WW(W)F Champ?
His son, Shawn Stasiak, debuted in 1996, training under Dory Funk Jr. He soon got a contract with the WWF, PMS using him as their love slave. After a while, he left rhe company (pretty much his last official match with the company was a loss to the debuting Kurt Angle at Survivor Series 99), and headed to WCW, where he ripped off Curt Hennig, won tag titles as part of the Perfect Event, was a Natural Born Thriller (and we all know what that means) and was somehow the father of Stacy Kiebler's baby, a.k.a a stack of 8X10 glossies of himself. As the sole hated by the fans man to win his match on the very last Nitro, he was one of Shane McMahon's recruits in to the Alliance, where he became known for being too headstrong and thus running into things when attempting to attack people. Eventually he got a WWF contract, became Planet Stasiak (Don't Ask) and ended up with 16 or so Hardcore Title runs to his name. He eventually retired from full time competition and is currently a chiropractor.
The story of Fit Finlay and Hornswoggle is a long, involved one. Having apparently sired the child many years ago, and not knowing how to deal with a young man who clearly had too much of his dad in him to be a normal guy, Finlay arranged for Hornswoggle to be brought into the WWE, as his weapon, without letting him known Finlay was really his son. But after seeing Hornswoggle nearly killed by Mr. Kennedy, Finlay started to care for his son, and thus arranged to try and get the best possible life for him, having him pose as Vince's illegitimate son. But the plot became too complex, and eventually JBL found out and revealed it to the world. The two have since made up, and are now terrorising opponents everywhere, from above AND below.
Strength:
With many of the various factors one might consider, one has to ask "Is Finlay by himself greater than the Stasiaks in this field?" Since, after all, Hornswoggle is not exactly a huge man, his presences in many of these fields is at best a neutral entity. He neither helps nor hurts, provided he stays away from the Stasiaks. And while Finlay is a strong, strong man, more so than Shawn, when compared to Stan, he is lacking all too slightly. The master of the heart punch and bear hug is just strong enough to win this round.
Advantage: The Stasiaks
Speed:
And Stan goes from a boon to a drag. When one has the nickname of ‘The Man', and ‘Crusher', being light on your feet is not exactly something you focus on. Stan was your typical wrestler of the era, he'd hit you, hit you again and then, if he was feeling good, he might hit you yet again, just in a different place. This all happening at a rate most snails would find somewhat slow. However, Finlay is no Flash himself. While he is slightly quicker, he is again not big on speed, quickness and agility, except when it comes to swinging bits of wood around. So it comes down to Shawn V Horny. And on the surface, Shawn would appear to have it won, Hornswoggle has such short stubby legs. But the thing is, Shawn has speed, but it's untempered. Whenever he tried to use it, he'd trip, get dodged, or run into something. The man is all nitro, no steering. While Hornswoggle, on the other hand, has made a career of hiding, running away, and generally using what speed advantage he has to his advantage. So while Finlay and Stan slug it out, Hornswoggle would be playing keep away long enough for Shawn to knock himself out.
Advantage: The Finlays
Brawling:
This is a tough one. Sure, all Stan knows is Brawling, and you can't become a 16 time Hardcore Champion without some knowledge of how to throw a punch. But Finlay loves to fight, and does it very, very well. And Hornswoggle knows how to toss and swing a shillelagh better than the next man, unless that man is Finlay. In the end, one has to go with the team more used to brawling as a unit here. Stan and Shawn don't know how to brawl together, while Fit and Hornswoggle have spent a couple of years perfecting their craft of ass kicking.
Advantage: The Finlays
Stamina:
Part of the package of being an older guy is that you fought hard and long. You threw punches and throws for 30, 40, 60 minutes at a time. But that's not that often, outside the main event. You only tended to get long, drawn out matches in the higher reachers of the card, a place Stan didn't find himself too often. And his son had little stamina, one runner into a wall and he was knocked cold.
However, while Fit does have a decent amount of stamina, Hornswoggle… The kids a trooper, but he's not exactly an iron man. One solid whack and he's done for. Stasiaks for thew win.
Advantage: The Stasiaks.
Intangibles:
What's the biggest mistake JBL, Carlito, Coach, Estrada, Khali and the entire Cruiserweight division have in common? They've all underestimated Hornswoggle. The little guy has proven that he can outwit and outsmart them all, even breaking the laws of physics and thermodynamics when he has to. You can't plan for that, especially when you're either an old school, old timer and a guy who can't be trusted to run 15 yards without knocking himself out AND hears voices.
Advantage: The Finlays
Willingness To Cheat:
Stan Stasiak was a bad man, but his fists were his weapons. And Shawn, while experienced with weapons, only knew how to use them when they were legal, he could openly attack guys, but doing it sneakily was a bit beyond him. Whereas their opponents can hit you with their shillelagh 20 times before you hit the ground and the ref is none the wiser (again thanks to Hornswoggle's Warner Brothers Reality Plane knowledge). So this is kinda obvious.
Advantage: The Finlays
Who Would Win?
Stan and Fit both tell their sons to stay on the outside and let them handle it. And that they do, the two having a solid, hard hitting affair. However, Hornswoggle gets in Shawn's face, teasing him. Shawn eventually loses his cool and chases the little guy around, while Stan manages to shake off a shillelagh shot and line up the heart punch. Hornswoggle runs between their legs, and Shawn manages to run into Fit, taking the shot instead. As Stan looks to his son, Finlay nails him a few times with the shillelagh again as Hornswoggle tags in, goes up, and hits the Tadpole Splash on Shawn for the win. The ref then eats a shillelagh shot for the hell of it.
