The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 06.19.08

Posted by Jeff Small on 06.19.2008

This Week’s Edition is brought to you by the Number 17...

You All Suck!!!

None of y'all quoted the infamous Shark Attack 3: Megalodon line correctly. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, feast your eyes on this (NSFW I think).



I shall now take a moment to explain why Shark Attack 3 is the greatest B-movie of all time. You see, back in 1999, there was a made for television movie known as Shark Attack. Capitalizing on the ever-popular 24th Anniversary of Jaws, Shark Attack starred Casper Van Dien (fresh off his starring role in Casper Meets Wendy) and was a decent movie. Of course, with good movies only being a dime a dozen in Hollywood, it made mucho sense to film a sequel. Shark Attack 2 actually had better reviews than the first which led to the above abortion.

These reviews left the producers of Shark Attack 3 in a conundrum. If you thought Lil Wayne had problems living up to the hype of Tha Carter III, it was like twelve times worse. Shark Attack 2 was that fucking good. Thankfully, the producers of Shark Attack Trois were big fans of sports entertainment. As we, wrestling fans, can recall, after two singles matches, it only makes sense to end the feud in a gimmick match. Yes, Shark Attack 3 had a gimmick: it was the only shark movie to feature "live shark attack footage." Seriously.

I hope some of you already see what the problem here (or at least skip this section for some real WWE news). If the shark footage must be "real" then who would want to act in this movie? It's probably tough to find actors that want to skinny dip in a shark's mouth! So in order to live up to the gimmick, the death scenes are filmed like this:



Yup the motherfuckers all had to jump into the shark's mouth! Classic, I know. And for those of you who weren't feeling the above, it could be worse… we could be talking about TNA! I kid, I kid. I love TNA. So much so that I suggest you all rush out to purchase Midway's "TNA Impact" video game in September! Hell, I think you all should hit up your local GameSpot and purchase every single Midway video game in the store!

That's right bitches I have sold out! More info to come!

Wait for it…


Wait for it…


Keep waiting….


Yes, yes….


WHAMMY!!!!!!!




Welcome back to the only news report that's going surfing cuz it don't like your face, the Small-For-All News Report! Oh man, have I lost all motivation! After seven(ish) straight weeks of news reporting, this man needs a vacation. But hey, if I have nothing to say, surely we can find someone who needs to voice this opinion. Take it away Kevin!



Trust me, there's no better time than now to be living in Beantown.


NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Who can replace his dropkick?

The big news coming out of gerweck.net revolves around a topic we haven't really touched in a year. According to Gerweck (coming from the Wrestling Observer), "Dr. Phil Astin, the doctor of Chris Benoit, faces 175 federal counts of illegal prescription abuse to 17 different patients. At least six of these patients are believed to be professional wrestlers ...

The 17 patients are referred to by their initials in the indictment. Two of the patients are Oscar Gutierrez, better known as Rey Mysterio, as well as former WWE wrestler Mark Jindrak, as the indictment includes previous charges related to distributing painkillers and other drugs to them last July.

Also listed in the indictment are the initials CMB and NEB, likely referring to Christopher Michael Benoit and Nancy Elizabeth Benoit. The initials MAB and RWH are also listed and believed to be well known pro wrestlers. MAB appears to be Buff Bagwell, who's real name is Marcus Alexander Bagwell. RWH is believed to be one-half of the current WWE World Tag Team Champions, Hardcore Holly, who's real name is Robert William Howard. Last July, ABCNews.com reported (click here for article link) that along with Benoit, Jindrak, and Gutierrez, Bagwell and Holly had their medical records seized by federal agents from Dr. Phil Astin's office.

Why has it taken a year for Hardcore Holly's name to be mentioned alongside other steroid abusers? Granted, Holly has yet to be suspended for WELLNESS~ but it's shocking that not even one rumor came out about him. Hell since that time, Holly has brought prestige to the Tag Team Division with his teaming with Cody Rhodes. The two of them have defeated all comers and are on a collision course at Night of Champions with Ted DiBiase Jr. (who looks more related to the Ortons) and a wrestler to be named later.

Of course, if this news has just hit, there's a good chance we will see a title switch at NoC (which actually helps the storyline). For once, there might be good timing for this suspension (if there's ever such a thing). Lastly, here's hoping that maVen returns to fill up the dropkick void left by Holly.

I can see my fantasy I'm so consumed in bed.
What I see takes over me I'm blind beyond repair.
It takes a hold of me so tight a grip that does not give.
And when she's done she throws me out like junk left in a shelf.
Yeah!
I wanna have the right.
I wanna feel the night.
All around the stars.
Wanna take a flight.
And get back on my sights.
All around the stars.

God, I miss maVen.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

According to ProWrestling.net, "Raw lead writer Brian Gewirtz and Gerald Brisco were among the backstage regulars who were not at Raw on Monday night. The company was originally slated to have that night off and tape television the week before, so a number of writers and agents/producers planned vacations. Bruce Prichard filled in for Brisco at the gorilla position. Michael Hayes did work backstage at Raw!"
Considering that Gewirtz, Brisco, and the usuals have a large week ahead of them (three-hour Raw, booking four rematches/CM Punk jobbing for ECW, and Night of Champions), this is probably the best time for a vacation. Throw in the fact that come July, Stephanie McMahon will be on leave and yeah, this is necessary vacation for everyone. As much shit as we give Gewirtz, you have got to give him credit for sticking with a very demanding, no love job. Kind of like working for 411…

I kid.

If Only Mel Kiper Worked for the WWE

Of course one of the bigger news items for this week revolves around next week! On Monday, the WWE is heading into its fifth draft. While not much is known about who is really switching brands (except for Umaga), in an interview with the Score, Vince McMahon mentioned that major moves are planned for Monday.

Since then, rumors have run rampant across the IWC! "John Cena to Smackdown" is the one I have read the most. Another big one is "HBK to Smackdown" which was debunked recently due to his church commitments on Wednesday mornings (seriously, how expensive must that be to get him back to San Antonio weekly?). Whatever the case might be, it has clearly drummed up a tad more interest than the Million Dollar Disaster.

A few weeks ago I posted my official Draft predictions which were only made to rape and pillage Smackdown (staying with tradition). If the WWE is actually serious this time about improving all three shows, I'm going to be a sad panda. But hey, if Charlie Haas can find TV time on Raw, he will be main eventing ECW in weeks!

This Week in Punjabi!

From the main page, "WWE has signed a new six year deal with Ten Sports in India to air WWE TV and PPVs. The deal gives WWE clearance in India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, Nepal, Bhutan, Afghanistan and the Maldives."

Wait for it…


Wait for it…


KHALI!




Six more years of Khali! What a dream come true! Now, we can officially expect a Khali/Triple H match at an upcoming Wrestlemania!

Speaking of Dalip, this Friday, he stars in one of this summer's biggest blockbusters: Get Smart!!! While some people might flock to see Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, many Khaliholics have been waiting since The Longest Yard for a new movie! Seeing as how I am the resident Khalinformer at 411, here are a few videos of what you can expect in Get Smart.

COMEDY


HORROR


My sources have informed me that Khali will be up for a MTV Movie Award next summer!

Quick N Dirty WWE News

From all the usual sources:

Many people in the IWC believe that Lance Cade will receive a push following his attack on John Cena and Triple H on Raw. In fact, some believe that he will be used in the Chris Jericho/Shawn Michaels storyline since Cade was trained by Michaels.

What you have read above are lies. The real reason is that the WWE needed a partner for Chris Jericho in his tag team main event this coming Monday on Raw. After Cade eats a pedigree at 11:04PM next Monday, it will be back to the mid-card for him.

Shawn Michaels has enough pull to get Bryan Danielson into the WWE.

Here's another one of HBK's protégés. You have got to admit that Shawn knows how to find talent (Kendrick, London, Cade, Danielson, and TNA's Hernandez).

Elijah Burke might become a Black Pope!

Damn Larry for already breaking the scoop!

This just in: Chris Harris is still fat!

Beefcake. Beefcake.

Ashley Massarro has a new tattoo.

Here's a picture from her MySpace page:


Ew, Gross.


AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT…

Last week, I promised that I would do an in-depth recap of the Hogan Family Misfortunes. However, I need a little more time to make this happen. At least allow me to perform a "Bait and Switch." Below, I spoil "The Happening."




NEWS FROM O-TOWN!

Beg, Borrow, or Steal For This!

According to the main page, "Petey Williams said during TNA's UK tour that the TNA Impact video game will feature downloadable wrestlers (depending on the system) which will allow users to add characters to the game. The game is due out on 9/8."

Like I said earlier, I suggest you all purchase this game on September 8th. When has Midway ever made a poor game? Never.

Of course, one must wonder if this downloadable content is just to make up for a slightly outdated roster (which constantly plagued the Smackdown series). But hey, if this is the only way to get a true ODB, I'll take it!

Quick N Dirty TNA News

From the usual sources:

"TNA felt the UK tour was a huge success and a big morale booster, compared to the U.S. where the company feels many of their accomplishments are ignored by the harsh online community."

I wouldn't say that the online community ignores their accomplishments; rather, we like to harp on their idiotic booking. But hey, any talk is better than no talk, right?

"Kurt Angle pushed to wrestle on the UK tour, but TNA management decided it would be best for him to make non-wrestling appearances so he could heal up a bit from the neck injury he suffered in Korea."

You would think Angle would have learned his lesson right now. Kudos to TNA for not allowing Angle a chance to injure himself any further.

Bobby Lashley has still yet to sign with TNA.

Considering he just inked a two match deal with the American Fight League, it appears as he's trying Mixed Martial Arts before getting back into the "squared' circle.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

As I alluded to at the beginning of the news report, I will be taking a sabbatical next week. Unfortunately, I do not know at this time who will be wearing my size 13s.

My sources confide in me that Meehan will make an appearance tomorrow!

For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!