The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 07.03.08

Posted by Jeff Small on 07.03.2008

Rap Battles, Khali or Batista, Change of Addresses, and Fireworks!!!!

And I'm Back…

From a guest commenter (perhaps we can call him SomeRandomFag), "Cuz that's how I do my news articles - by filling them to the brink with irrelevant YouTube videos."

Hey, I never stated that my last news report (from two weeks ago) was a classic. Hell, I will be the first to admit that other than my admiration for Shark Attack 3, there was nothing else of note in the report. Which is fine, really, since I was burnt out. Faithful Small-For-All readers know that I like to take siestas once in a while since motivation is hard to come by. Throw in the fact that I got burnt out at the right moment (I've known for months that I would be off last week) so now I'm ready for action!

But before I get started, I realized that I am being hated on by many of my 411 peeps. Unlike other columnists, I don't have to worry about the comments at the end of the news report (you should see how some of y'all's comments get a few writers into a tizzy). Rather, I'm getting cheapshots from "esteemed" people like Randle and Wilcox. Wilcox is a particularly funny one since I made that kid. Anyhoo, I am not going to Hyatte it by picking unnecessary fights; rather I'm just going to challenge them to a rap battle.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

SPANKY!



Man, I got Summer hating on me cause I'm hotter than the sun
Got Spring hating on me cause I ain't never sprung
Winter hating on me cause I'm colder than ya'll
And I would never, I would never, I would never Fall
I'm being hated by the seasons
So fuck ya'll who hating for no reason!

And that was a poem by Heidenreich.

WHAMMY!!!


Sponsored by Midway Games

In today's earthshattering edition of the Small-For-All, we will squash any rumors of Smackdown going live, spoil upcoming Santino Marella storylines, uncover Kofi Kingston's true identity, relieve the best of Ashley Massarro (that shall be quick and painless), and lastly, perhaps even mention TNA! But first up, let's recap what I missed last week.

Let's Review

The Draft took place. Here are my top three picks from the Draft:
Trevor Murdoch to Smackdown – By selecting him in the Supplemental Draft, Smackdown was able to defer his rookie signing bonus. Faithful readers also know that Murdoch comes pretty cheap which will give Smackdown room under the salary cap in 2010 to go after King James.
Kofi Kingston to Raw - There's only one word that can sum up Kofi Kingston and that word is potential. Kofi has tremendous length which you just can't teach. During last month's combine, Kofi measured a 7'7" wingspan with a 40" vertical leap. To get him during the Supplemental Draft might have been the steal of the draft.
Matt Hardy to ECW - Matt Hardy is one of those high risk/high reward picks. While he has to work on his selling skills, Matt has undeniable leadership attributes which helps him play well at both ends of the ring. A solid first round pick for team ECW.

Many writers reminisced on the one year anniversary of the Chris Benoit tragedy. WWE.com did not.

Vince McMahon can't feel his legs. Neither can Droz.

And that's all I can remember. I think Steve Sullivan mentioned something about Jazz and Rodney Mack having sex but I'm going to pass on that one. Actually I won't. Here goes:

If JazzMackin' Mated

Rock n Roll McDonalds!


NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

New Champeen

Clearly, this week's major headline is from Raw. In a shocking moment, CM Punk capitalized on a fallen Edge to win the World Heavyweight Championship. With Night of Champions resulting with zero major titles on Raw, not only did Punk fulfill his dreams but he gave the Raw roster a much needed championship. While many writers (including myself) have mocked Punk due to his awful win-loss record following Wrestlemania, this win more than made up for it. In fact, with Punk's shaky record, one might say that his reign will be full of unpredictability as almost anyone (including bottom feeder Chavo Guerrero) can win this title.

If the WWE goes this route, Punk's reign could wind up quite memorable. Similar to his final ROH run (where he was expected to job at every show), there will be great intrigue in all of Punk's matches. However, the key to a successful title reign like this is for Punk to win all of his matches cleanly. If the WWE books him like Rey Mysterio's reign (jobbing to everyone in non-title matches) or having John Cena save his ass weekly, then Punk will be nothing more than a transitional champion. Personally, I'm rooting for him to succeed. At least until he fights Batista. Or perhaps Khali. Hmm, who would I want to see more as a World Champion:


Metrosexual Muffin: Batista

OR


Emmy-Award Winner

Everytime I see you fallen, I get down on my knees and pray…

Have Triple H, Will Broadcast Live

From the main page, "WWE is discussing running LIVE editions of Smackdown on weekends where there is a PPV, once they make the move to MYNETWORK TV. Basically on the weekends where there is a PPV scheduled, Smackdown would run live on Friday, then the PPV on Sunday and then Monday Night Raw as usual.

These monthly live Smackdown events are not 100% confirmed, but the company has apparently signed off on the idea. There will be a live edition of Smackdown on April 3rd in Houston Texas, as part of WrestleMania weekend.

A few hours after this newspiece went live, JR on his blog called the news "highly unlikely." Of course, JR doesn't know shit about what goes on anymore behind the scenes so his guess would be as good as mine. As for my guess, I think this probably will happen. The few live Smackdown shows in the past have drawn better ratings and also bring about a buzz that normally is not seen with taped shows.

Word is also flying around that Kevin Dunn might be unhappy running another live show. But as 411 eloquently put it in their newspiece, fuck Kevin Dunn! With MyNetworkTV saving Smackdown for obscurity, Dunn won't get a large say in this decision.

Santino's Big Mouth

In an interview with Slam Wrestling, "Carelli, out of character for most of the conversation, indicated that the writing team plans to make Santino a more active player on the RAW landscape.

"I think I may have a new on-screen girlfriend coming up. I'm not sure exactly when or how. But the person they chose is in developmental, and she's very sexy, you'll want to hate her. She'd be a really good match. I'm just happy I get to kiss her once in a while," he laughed. "Just in case, she's not the right person, I don't want to tell you her name," he explained. "She's actually Canadian. I'll leave it at that."

He confirmed the early Internet rumors of the stable for Italia's finest were accurate.

"There's some talk I might get a stable going," Santino reflected."

Bueno! Santino is one of the most entertaining parts of Raw so I'm glad if he gets a larger role. Santino would be perfect as a leader of a stable since he would be able to focus on his strengths (his mic skills) while leaving the wrestling to others. Look at him like a pre-new ECW Steven Richards only with a better accent. As for his new girlfriend, I wonder what Diva Search reject will be up for the task. Then again, I doubt many women would resist Santino when he's out on the town wearing this:



Whoretastic!

From Ashley Massaro's MySpace page (she's in my top 10):
some unfortunate news...this is the hardest decision i have ever had to make

I have some thing to tell you guys and I wanted u 2 be the first 2 hear it...I tried very hard out of the respect I have for her privacy and not wanting her 2 be exposed in any negative light but I have a 7yr old daughter and I just found out 2day that she not well and I can't be on the road with WWE when my own flesh and blood needs me...I am a single parent trying 2 juggle taking care of my child and working my butt off for her and now at this point when she is sick and needs me home I have 2 make the decision 2 bow out of wwe for a while and take care of my daughter...I wish I could do both and that there were more ways 2 get everything done but with the severity of the situation I'm going 2 have 2 ask for an early release for now...I may be back if she gets better...please keep her in your prayers...I love the wwe...I love all the talent that works there and most of all I love all the fans...thanks for always being so supportive...so this is me taking a bow and stepping out of the lime light right now to take care of my family...stick with me guys cause I will be back somewhere some how when this is all over...thanks for all your love and support and I'm sorry 2 be the bearer of bad news...thanks and good night my punks...stick with me ill see you soon
Xoxo
Dirty Dirty

So who's been taking care of her 7 year old daughter currently when she's on the road? And why is Ashley going to her MySpace page before actually getting her release? Third, is a nickname like "Dirty Dirty" something to be proud of? I think most strippers have more self-respect. Regardless, here's hoping her child has a speedy recovery.

As for her boyfriend, Paul London…

London Calling

According to ProWrestling.net, "Brian Kendrick is said to be held in higher regard by most WWE agents/producers than former tag partner Paul London. Observers say he has a better approach and attitude than London, who is considered an inconsistent performer and a "heat magnet" behind the scenes."

Clearly, this must be true seeing as the WWE moved Kendrick over to Smackdown, where he has had previous success (both as Spanky and during his tag team title reign). Of course, the Smackdown roster has a lot more Superstar names on it and the lack of a Cruiserweight title, which does not help out Kendrick. With Cryme Tyme the only face tag team on Raw, it would have been better had the WWE kept Kendrick with London. As for London, he should just be happy that his match against Snitsky was thankfully not televised.

Quick N Dirty News

From all the usual sources:

Kofi Kingston is not from Jamaica. According to his birthmother, he's actually from Ghana.

This is one of those cases where I'm happy the WWE modified his hometown. Could you imagine Mike Adamle saying, "Kofi, you're giving me Ghanarea!"

Joey Styles's stock is on the rise since his promotion to a WWE.com job. He spends a lot of time with Vince McMahon at meetings, on his private jet, and during television tapings.

Kudos to Joey. Sure we might be a little upset that he's not broadcasting the WWE's "C" show, but he's not. In a little while, I wouldn't be surprised to see him promoted to a higher position.

Mr. Perfect's WWE DVD includes his Rap is Crap music video.

Sure JD might rave about his 60 minute AWA match against Nick Bockwinkel. Me, I'm just picking it up for the West Texas Rednecks.

With Maria gone, Melina out for six months, and Candice not returning until Summerslam, Mickie James is the only face left on Raw.

Not only that but she broke up with John Cena. I guess he should have taken her to Tijuana with Mike Adamle and Gemini! Then again, if he only has five moves, I doubt the Tony Danza was one of them!


And Now For Something Completely Different… Small's Top 3 Most Anticipated Games of 2008!!!

Seeing as I've written way too much about wrestling already, here's my most anticipated video games list for 2008.

#3: Mushroom Guy: Rise of the Fungi (DS) – How punny.
#2: Hannah Montana: Spotlight World Tour (PS2) – Take it slow in the beginning levels before you rock out the show!
And my #1 anticipated game for 2008:
#1: TNA IMPACT (Midway Games – All Platforms) - Now this is the game to own! Rumor has it that there's a Rock Band-esque mini-game which allows you to sing songs by the Rock N Rave Infection!!!


NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Fun with Comix

I did not make this comic. But I found it funny. I would post where I found it but the dude's main page is down. Oh well.



Ok, before you rip on me for saying that Samoa Joe is a fellow World Champion, that's not why I found it funny. The humor lies in the fact that Joe turned down any interest the WWE had in him a few years back before he never thought they would seriously push him to the top. Considering Punk is smaller and a chick magnet, I bet if Joe was in the WWE currently, he might be wearing gold right now. Or tattoos of Samoa on his belly. Either or.

All Hail King Complainer

According to ProWrestling.net, "Booker T has been vocal with his frustration regarding TNA in recent weeks. He has been a vocal critic of the booking, but observers say he seems to be happier with his character's direction since he turned heel.

However, he also melted down on the recent UK tour in frustration over the number of meet and greets he was asked to take part in, and because he unhappy with the lack of catering in the venues. A well-placed source notes that Booker was so frustrated that he threatened to leave the tour unless the company addressed the accommodation issues."

Damn those celebrities and their catering demands. How dare they not have the specific Vitamin Water flavor that King Booker demands! He needs his B-Relaxed twice a day! As for his frustration with booking, I would also complain if I was stuck with a five month neverending feud with Robert Roode only to wrestle as his tag partner on the following PPV. Good thing Booker has his title shot this month or else, he might really be angry. And when Booker gets angry, you best beware.




FIREWORKS!!!

Seeing as tomorrow is our Nation's holiday, it's time to celebrate.







And a video…




COMING ATTRACTIONS

This was fun. Let's do it again next week.

Meehan's in tomorrow.

For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!