The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 07.10.08

Posted by Jeff Small on 07.10.2008

A Tale of Two Sheiks!

And One to Start With…

From this week's Hidden Highlights , JP stated "if you want to read a non-tabloid style article not completely filled up with nothing but unrelated YouTube videos and badly doctored photos, be sure to catch my very own Saturday morning news report The Hamilton Ave Journal."

Of course, JP was referring to my bodacious Small-For-All News Report. Sure, his news report doesn't have any silly pictures (I take the doctored comment as a sign of respect: I'm a phD!) or any unrelated YouTube videos ( like this ). But mine's not all about that. Every once in a while I have something substantial to speak about. Not today.

Fun fact: JP's Hidden Highlights was not the only mention of Small this past week as Slimmer's newest column regularly holla's at cha boy! What can you say? I ain't kinda hot, I'm sauna.

Wait for it…


Wait for it…


Keep waiting….


Yes, yes….


WHAMMY!!!!!!!



Sponsored by Midway Games.


Welcome back to another awe-inspiring edition of the Thursday Small-For-All News Report. While last week's might not have been a classic, it at least had the official 411 line of the year (no not the Shark Attack line): "Kofi, you're giving me Ghanarea!" And yes, it's coming soon to T-shirts nationwide. As for today's edition, I don't have a funny line like that saved up but we do get to make fun of Chris Harris's weight. Because seriously, he's reaching Denise Richards size. Ew, gross.


NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Secret Diary of a Call Girl

About thirty minutes ago, the WWE released Ashley Massaro from her contract. Ashley is now the second Diva Search winner (behind the first winner, Christy Hemme) to be released from her contract. Thankfully, Layla is safe for now, only because the WWE has yet to have her pose for Playboy. After that, she's a goner.

Anyway, as we discussed two weeks ago, Ashley asked for her release and it was finally granted. While it's not much of a loss for the WWE, there were many moments I will forever remember from Ashley's tumultuous WWE career. Let's all take a moment to reflect back on Ashley's career.

The Best of Ashley Massaro Vol. 1.0








Uh…




Yeah…



Whammy?


Fine, fine, fine, there was this…



And of course this:


I'm a survivor, I'm not gonna give up, I'm not gon' stop, I'm gonna work harder

Seriously, I think we can sum up Ashley's career like this: Diva Search winner -> Nothing -> Playboy Wrestlemania push -> Nothing -> Survivor reject -> Nothing -> Escort scandal -> Dirty Dirty Myspace Mommy -> Fired

We Have BEEF (and not Mickie James)

From the Wrestling Observer, "There is said to be some legit heat between SmackDown Divas Michelle McCool and Natalya Neidhart. It's all due to a recent incident involving the two. McCool reportedly tried to re-teach Natalya, an 8-year wrestling veteran, on how to lock up correctly. She also wanted to show her how to work "WWE style.""

Lansdell briefly mentioned this during his Sunday report but failed to actually speak on it. Bad Lansdell bad. You see, Natalya better step the fuck back and realize who she's messing with. There's only one bitch allowed on the Undertaker's yard and that's Ms. Lovin' Life. Seeing as Michelle never loses, rarely sells, and occasionally uses a silly submission finisher, it's easy to see why the Undertaker has taken a fancy in her. Don't believe me, here's my evidence:


Yes, I know Taker's knee looks funny

Still don't believe me? It's on Michelle's Wikipedia page. And we all know that Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.

When Impersonating Mel Kiper Goes Wrong

From last week's Small-For-All, "The Draft took place. Here are my top three picks from the Draft:
Trevor Murdoch to Smackdown – By selecting him in the Supplemental Draft, Smackdown was able to defer his rookie signing bonus. Faithful readers also know that Murdoch comes pretty cheap which will give Smackdown room under the salary cap in 2010 to go after King James."

Cleary I was wrong here. Murdoch lasted all of eleven days after the Draft making him the biggest bust since Ryan Leaf. I'm guessing his conditioning issues not to mention his lack of second jumpability (which kept him out of the first few rounds) lead to his untimely demise.

What makes the matter even worse is the news that Smackdown head writer Michael Hayes was a fan of Trevor Murdoch's. Of course, after the Mark Henry incident, Hayes's clout has fallen. Before then, Hayes would have been able to convince Vince that Murdoch would be a worthy personality on Smackdown. Now, poor Murdoch is on his way to being TNA Champion.

I find it funny that back in December 2004, during Cade & Murdoch's first break-up, Murdoch was scheduled to win the Intercontinental Championship. Of course that never happened (Shelton Benjamin picked up the win over Ric Flair) and since then, Murdoch hasn't really amount to much. Pity too, since he had quite the finisher.



Tale of Two Posters

Seeing as I made a snafu with the Great American Bash poster, I am covering all my bases here. Below are the two Summerslam posters being found on the net. One of them is official and the other is poppycock. I'll let you decide.




OR




Personally, I go with the latter. Just take a look at the new Divas logo on the jet-ski. Seriously, I think all the Divas should get that logo trampstamped on their backs.

Quick N Dirty News

From all the usual sources:

Ron "The Truth" Killings is scheduled to debut on Smackdown. Most believe he is in line for a main event push.

Now the WWE is really pissing Michael Hayes off!

Kelly Kelly moved to Raw due to the dearth of faces on the brand.

After watching Raw this week, I'd put Kelly behind Rey Mysterio's mask as she does lucha better than Mysterio himself. Plus, she would easily add four inches to Mysterio's height!

Brian Kendrick might have a bodyguard as seen in a Dark Match.

All you need to know is that the dude is huge. Like really huge. Like Wellness~ huge.

Chris Harris is really fat.

Like seriously, he needs to fight Super Crazy in a "loser loses 50 pounds" match.

Atlas Dabone, I mean Atlas Ortiz, I mean Rick Ortiz used to play football in the XFL.

Good thing JR's on Smackdown or else, the XFL might have been mentioned on television. And we know that history has not been kind to the XFL. Neither has Vince McMahon…




NEWS FROM O-TOWN

There must be space for Murdoch!

Three recent releases in TNA: Rellik (did you know that spells Killer backwards?), Scott D'Amore, and James Mitchell. Clearly, Rellik's the big loss here.

I'M JUST KIDDING!!! Obviously, the other two are much more detrimental to the company. D'Amore has been one of the company's road agents for the last few years and his departure will fill a large void. With Pat Kenney, he would script the majority of TNA house shows among other duties such as working with the Knockouts Division. Seeing as the Knockouts are one of the biggest attractions currently in the company, so it will be interesting to see what happens with TNA's finest ladies. Best of luck though to D'Amore and his newly purchased bar.

As for James Mitchell, TNA now loses their best talker. Sure there are presently zero monsters on the roster, but you never know when one might appear from thin air and attack Abyss. And that's why Mitchell is important to TNA. He's the only one who can make assclowns like Judas Mesias and Black Reign somewhat important in TNA. Here's hoping he will join the WWE and make Kane's life a living hell.

Iron Sheik Respeckt!!!

According to the Observer, "Jay Lethal and Sonjay Dutt have an idea to bring in the Iron Sheik to the company. They are big fans of his and their idea is to have him be a rapper who would introduce Booker T."

Now I know CSONKA spoke on this on Tuesday. However, BossMan was wrong with his analysis. Lethal does not want to bring in the Iron Sheik of wrestling. For that man can barely speak five minutes without calling out Hulk Hogan. Rather, Dutt and Lethal want to bring a Palestinian Arab American Hip Hop Superstar also named the Iron Sheik. To learn more about the Iron Sheik, please visit his website. But since rapping about affirmative action is not that humorous, here's an Iron Sheik video from the Sheik that we all love.



Moose Behavior

In sad news, TNA Knockout Moose broke her femur during an independent show over the weekend. According to eye-witnesses, she jumped off of a cinder block wall to deliver a double axe handle. Instead of landing properly, her knee locked and snapped her femur. Moose is expected to be out of action for six months.

Okay, what the fuck was Moose doing jumping off of a cinder block wall? And to deliver a weak-ass double axe handle, that's so lame. There are much better top rope moves she could have performed instead of the double axe handle. Who does she think she is? Randy Savage?


COMING ATTRACTIONS

And that's our show for this week. Goodnight Moon.



Meehan could possibly be in tomorrow. But I doubt it.

For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!