The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 07.17.08
Posted by Jeff Small on 07.17.2008
This bores me. Is anyone up for a game of basketball?
And one to start with…
From the Friday news report, commenter Ian states, "Meehan seems to be absent more than Small these days!"
The funny thing is Ian's comment reminded me that I wouldn't be around Wednesday night to write this week's report. This of course left me with a dilemma: I could either text message JT around 5pm Wednesday asking him if he would like another opportunity at greatness OR just type this up Tuesday night. I went with the latter here (sorry Boo, I'm crazy over you). So if anything of importance happens on Wednesday, I guess it'll give Meehan something to talk about on Friday.
Writing on Tuesdays does have its benefits since it gives me a reason to watch ECW (perfect background music). However, I made the unfortunate mistake of playing basketball this evening as that led to a debilitating pinkie injury. You see, being a man tall in stature (6'4" bitches), it's extremely important that I be somewhat decent (I'm white) at basketball. So today I went over to my local park to show off my skills. I joined this pickup game and immediately showed these Taiwanese high school students that you don't mess with the Small. This one 5'7" punk tried to show off his layup skills but you know I wouldn't let that happen. Yes kids, this was a block party weekend. But, oh no, it wasn't all defense… I was draining threes like Yi Jianlian against a chair! Sadly, all this fun led to a pinkie finger injury which not only puts me on the IR but makes typing "L's" a bitch. Konichiwa!
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
Keep waiting….
Yes, yes….
WHAMMY!!!!!!!
Sponsored by Midway Games.
Welcome back to the news report that's nothing more than the reading equivalent of a car crash: the Small-For-All!!! In today's edition, we mourn the tragic loss of John Cena, marvel at the most expensive t-shirts for rednecks, preview the Great American Bash, and possibly even mention TNA. Actually, we will mention TNA as I have the privilege of seeing Hard Justice in three weeks! Sucks I now have to start watching their product.
Man, if I had the body, I would make such a great heel. Hmm…
NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS
Hey Haley Joel Osment, You Can See Me!!!
On Monday, we witnessed one of the most horrific crimes ever seen on television. While the CSIs and Unbeatable Banzukes show graphic murders weekly, we know those shows are fiction. Wrestling, of course, is not. So to watch John Bradshaw Layfield murder another human being live on television was appalling. I almost have to wonder if the WWE is looking to broaden their DVD collection with a new "Faces of Death" compilation. Whatever the WWE's reason was, I for one, was no fan.
I have to say this: John Bradshaw Layfield is a murderer. Some might have called him a coward in the past, some might have called him Bradshaw, Paul London might have called him "Daddy", but I can only call him a murderer. I'm calling for a boycott on his MamaJuana products, his "Have More Money Now" book, and of course, the Best of Bradshaw DVD that the WWE was planning on releasing next year. Fellow WWE fans, let's unite and show what dent we could make in the WWE Universe.
Look, I can go on for days and days ranting and raving about the WWE using murder to draw ratings. But I won't anymore. For there are much more important things to talk about especially the life of John Cena.
John Felix Anthony Cena was born on April 23rd, 1997 in West Newbury, Massachusetts. He was an inspiring professional wrestler, musician, actor, and held a Doctorate in Thuganomics. In the WWE, he was a 3 time WWE Champion, a 3 time United States Champion, and the most recent Royal Rumble Winner. He starred in the critically acclaimed movie "The Marine" which performed extraordinarily well on DVD. Between wrestling and filming hit movies, he had time to spit one of the hottest rap albums of all time. "You Can't See Me' spawned three hit singles and was certified Gold (500,000 copies sold) by the RIAA. While Cena does not leave a wife or kids behind, he did pound Mickie James which should count for something.
With John Cena dead, one must wonder what the WWE will do next. A couple weeks ago, Kane pondered if he was alive or dead. Is Kane a psychic not unlike that chick from that movie where Katie Holmes showed her boobies? Or will the WWE bring back Cena as a ghost to terrorize the rest of the WWE locker room? One must feel bad for Elijah Burke who does not have a good track record with ghosts (as seen below).
Regardless of what the WWE decides to do…
This just in, I found out on WWE.com that John Cena was only grazed by the car crash. Aw, shit.
Look King, its Vintage Undertaker t-shirts!
Leave it to WWEShop.com to start marketing to trendy hipster doofuses that shop at Hot Topic (like Andy Clark). Recently, WWEShop has started taking pre-orders for their new "Luxury Apparel" line. What makes these shirts different from normal WWE t-shirts are the use of a 100% vintage cotton jersey (giving the shirts a soft feel), pre-washed a couple of times (with enzymes!), and a $45 price tag. Now I cannot justify spending $25 on WWE t-shirts so I cannot fathom why someone might want to purchase a $45 t-shirt. Though if I had to pick up one of them, I would pick up Edge's since it could help me attract Cougars.
Speaking of WWEShop…
Would you take a seat over there?
From Foxnews, "Daniel Allen Everett of Clarkston was arraigned Tuesday in Novi, MI on charges of child sexual abuse and using the Internet to attempt child sexual abuse."
Daniel was trying to arrange a meeting with for sex with what he thought was a 14 year old girl. Fortunately (or unfortunately) that pesky Chris Hansen was onto him. Now why am I bringing this up? Well take a look at what Daniel was wearing…
Viva La Savings
Hey, it's publicity so don't feel too bad for the WWE. They will take whatever they can get at this point.
CM Punk goes bump in the dark
After Raw ended, CM Punk took on his Great American Bash opponent Batista in a Dark Match. Unfortunately for Punk, he was squashed in roughly a minute. Of course, the IWC are up in arms about Punk's loss. Thankfully, I'm here to tell you to stop whining.
Listen, why does anyone care what happens in a Dark Match? The WWE wanted to send the live crowd home happy after the silly vehicular homicide angle with a match between two fan favorites. And of course Batista won. What's the storyline behind the Championship match? Punk is only champion because of ‘Tista. So why would you end the storyline in front of 15,000 possible PPV buyers? Plus who cares if Punk lost? Ain't nothing worse than jobbing to Mike Knox.
The Return of the Godfather?
Carlito's new look:
Yup, pimpin' aint easy!
And Now For Something Completely Different… Great American Bash 2008 Preview!!!
Throw in a last minute match (presumably featuring at least one of the Hardy boys) and it sounds like it has the makings of a good show. The nice thing here is that unlike Judgment Day, most of the matches can go either way. For instance, Triple H deserves a long title reign but I would say he's the underdog against the red-hot Edge. CM Punk needs a win but will he get a clean one against the Animal, Batista. Not to mention Tommy Dreamer actually getting a PPV payout. Okay, we know Dreamer has no chance in winning but it could possibly be an okay bathroom break. And that's not to mention watching John Cena extract his revenge against JBL!
Tune into 411 as someone (probably Larry) will have live coverage. Then wait until 11:30PM to see what Slimmer, Lansdell, Wilcox, and myself thought of the show. I'll probably overrate it but I'm a WWE mark. Oh and if you are curious as to what I think will happen at Summerslam, here's my unofficial Summerslam card.
Triple H vs. heel Undertaker (how else will Edge win)
Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho in a Gimmick Blowoff Match
Throw in Rey Mysterio, possibly one of the two women's titles, and KANE~ and Summerslam might actually turn out decently for once.
NEWS FROM O-TOWN
Can You Dig That Sucka!
Okay, can anyone explain to me what happened at the end of Victory Road? Because it was nothing more than a clusterfuck to me. Please Midway, do not use that storyline in your upcoming Game of the Year Candidate! Leave such nonsense to Yukes.
Anyway, according to the main page, "Samoa Joe vs. Booker T in some type of stipulation match (First Blood or I Quit seems most likely) seems likely to headline TNA's September PPV. Sting may end up as the referee or special enforcer."
Now that's all fine and dandy but what about Hard Justice? If I am going to have to sit through that mess, at least give me a silly Russo gimmick to ease the pain. If Joe vs. Booker will only be a singles match, I do not even want to think about what type of non-ending will take place. Perhaps Tajiri will return to settle his epic feud with Booker T. You don't remember what caused BEEF between Booker and Tajiri? Allow me to refresh your memory.
Okay, so this news piece was just an excuse to show Booker T's excellent Shampoo commercial. Sue me.
Actually, in a recent radio interview, Booker T admitted that the Shampoo commercial was supposed to lead to a Hair vs. Hair match against Edge at Wrestlemania 18. Fortunately, Booker did not want his head shaved so creative saved that stipulation for Kurt Angle. Which actually turned out for the best!
What's the sound of 300 pounds of shit hitting the fan? KWANG!!!
According to Lords of Pain, "TNA is interested in bringing former WWE star Savio Vega in as a road agent, reports the official website of the International Wrestling Association, his home promotion. Following the recent departures of D-Lo Brown and Scott D'Amore (who finishes up at this week's Impact tapings), TNA is in dire need of some more road agents. They only have two guys in Pat "Simon Diamond" Kenney and Glenn "Disco Inferno" Gilberti."
I really do not know Savio Vega's wrestling acumen but having a veteran around is never a bad idea. Perhaps the TNA youngsters will love hearing stories regarding Vega's stint in such powerhouses like the Nation of Domination or in Los Boricuas. Hey at least Savio's more famous than either Simon Diamond or Disco Inferno. Neither of them have the distinction of being the recipient of the first Stone Cold stunner.
This Just In
Did You Know: Team Japan has placed last in every TNA World X Cup. You'd think Japan would scout Taka Michinoku since at least he would receive a win thanks to his years with the WWE. In fact, TNA should sign Hayabusa to feud with Abyss. C'mon, you know an exploding cage deathmatch with tacks~ would totally put asses in the seats. Plus, he was in this masterpiece…
Starring the Black Power Ranger!
COMING ATTRACTIONS
Hopefully, nothing exciting happened on Wednesday. And if it did, it better not have pertained to the Great Khali. I kind of wish Khali was still in India because at least we would have silly articles regarding his magical strength. Now he's back in the WWE and being wasted. Perhaps next week there will be news on him. This man can only hope.
Meehan should be in tomorrow.
For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is that a picture of Csonka in the WWorld's Greatest Dad shirt?
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Posted By: Angry Bear (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 12:10 AM
You are 6'4"? I'm six five bitch. And I don't think John Cena was born in 1997. You still write the best news report on 411.
Posted By: whitley (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 12:20 AM
wooohoo im famous!
Posted By: Ian (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 12:33 AM
cena clearly rooled underneath the other car before he was hit. jbl wasnt traumatized over hat he done. he was disappointed in himself for renting a car without any insurance and he just wrecked it.
Posted By: jd (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 12:51 AM
in case anybody is wondering, jbl's liscense has just been revoked
Posted By: DJ K (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 01:08 AM
Love your shit but dude, Hayabusa's paralyzed. It's on youtube if you're curious as to how.
Posted By: Matt (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 02:49 AM
I like reading your column and enjoy the views, but to correct you. since japan got second in the 12 tag match at victory road they did not finish last this year. they got third, not really that much better as they should of done alot better when jushin was the captain.
Posted By: Keckley (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 03:16 AM
"I was draining threes like Yi Jianlian against a chair!"
Great stuff, another awesome column Small... now theres a man who can write anyday of the week
Posted By: Brad (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 05:42 AM
And once again, Smallz just about outdoes everybody at 411 in the personality department with just the intro to his column.
Good stuff
Posted By: Cory (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 06:28 AM
Holy crap, I didn't realize that Carlito's new look made him Charles Wright Jr. They should totally go with a Puerto Rican pimp gimmick.
Posted By: The Ratings Killer (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 06:33 AM
Cena must win on GAB. Because he's been GRACED BY GAWD!
Posted By: Boring Nick(name) (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 06:36 AM
Wrestling is not fictional? Sorry, I have to disagree with you... vehemently disagree. Wrestling IS fiction. No matter how much you guys want to pretend you're watching "SPORTZ~!" you're not. You're watching a performance art piece. Granted, it's a form of performance art that is quite physically demanding, but so is ballet.
Wrestlers themselves will point to its fictitious nature of the business-- such as Edge's shoot comments about parallels between the Undertaker and Darth Vader.
Posted By: M:-X (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 07:33 AM
Actually the last I heard about Hayabusa's injury status is that he now walks with a walker, but I don't think we'll ever see him wrestle again, which is a damn shame... The guy was magic...
Posted By: Travis (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 08:22 AM
John Felix Anthony Cena was born on April 23rd, 1997 in West Newbury, Massachusetts.
So Cena is actually 11 years old? No wonder kids like him so much, same age.
Posted By: Dave (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 09:19 AM
Needs Moar Khali-For-All
Posted By: Ultra Gepetto (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 09:25 AM
Love the Chappelle's Show reference at the begining. Quality column as always. Keep up the good work
Posted By: Cory (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 09:43 AM
Oh man, that Cena Obituary had me crackin up
Posted By: Toddo (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 09:58 AM
That presenter called it the WCE!!!
Posted By: Marc J (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 10:24 AM
Worst column of the week ... and that includes Czonka's ranting.
Posted By: Guest#8360 (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 11:53 AM
hahahaha Angry Bear!!!!
Posted By: Chief Wiggum (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 12:05 PM
"Wrestling is not fictional? Sorry, I have to disagree with you..."
Well, that just went right over your head, didn't it?
Posted By: SeanAltly (Registered) on July 17, 2008 at 12:21 PM
funny as always jeff keep it up
Posted By: stronelis (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 12:32 PM
Henry vs Dreamer?? Where's my shot!!!
Posted By: Washed up Justin Credible (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 12:50 PM
'While Cena does not leave a wife or kids behind, he did pound Mickie James which should count for something. '
lmao
Posted By: Agnieszka (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 01:47 PM
So Burke is a member of the WCE? That's good to know...
Posted By: Guest#2455 (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 04:10 PM
I apologize for the Csonka comment.
In fact, that is not Larry, but ladies and gents, that picture is of Darth Mortis' secret identity.
Posted By: Angry Bear (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 08:52 PM
What's the definition of irony? The fact that you are 6'4 and your last name is Small.
Posted By: Dustin James (Registered) on July 17, 2008 at 09:17 PM
Small is tall. haha. How do u download videos off youtube from another account? Another good column this week. And carlito should use some of Bookers shampoo
Posted By: Haza (Guest) on July 17, 2008 at 11:05 PM
Next week:
Small for all True Hollywood stories
Posted By: Exar Kun (Registered) on July 18, 2008 at 01:51 PM
the cena thing was priceless. from the born in 1997 to the elijah burke clip then 2 scentences later I was dieing of laughter
Posted By: Colin (Guest) on July 18, 2008 at 07:37 PM
