Wacky Wrestling Theory 7.24.08: Interview with the Stars of KAIJU BIG BATTEL

You may or may not be aware but some of the most important wrestling is going on right now at Kaiju Big Battel. In fact, it’s not even really wrestling, but a fully regulated monster fighting zone where heroes, trying to protect our global freedom, are locked in combat with heinous villains. Without the epic battles that take place in the Kaiju Big Ring (a traditional looking pro-wrestling ring but with the buildings, roads and bridges of a major city contained inside), and the struggle for the Kaiju Grand Championship, these monsters would be taking their beefs to the streets. And I’m not talking dance battles here; the matches in Kaiju Big Battel are literally life or death affairs.

The responsibility of managing this whole massive operation falls on the shoulders of the Kaiju Commissioner. Although his actual identity is kept secret, he is empowered by extra-governmental forces to keep the fights in a safe place, cater to the lust for fame these Kaiju monsters have naturally acquired, and translate all of this into entertainment for passionate pro-wrestling fans everywhere.

The main nemesis for the sanctity of the Kaiju Big Battel and the independence of all mankind comes in the form of the nefarious Dr. Cube. This box-headed cretin makes no bones about his intentions to experiment on, and enslave, as many humans and monsters as possible, yet somehow he has all the evil charm of a hybrid-JR Ewing, Ric Flair, Freddy Krueger-monster who makes you want to cheer his every nasty deed and buy all of his cool merchandise.

Thankfully, heroes like Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder exist to keep the schemes of villains like Dr. Cube in check. Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder is a breath of fresh air in the wrestling world (you know, aside from all that steam of course), as he takes no guff, stands up for what’s right, and doesn’t let his fame get to his head (or, uhm, boulder). Relatively handsome for a mechanical boulder with a pair of tentacles, Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder is destined to be a major force in the wrestling and entertainment world for years to come.

These three paragons of the Kaiju Big Battel have agreed to participate in an exclusive interview with Wacky Wrestling Theory.

Wacky Wrestling Theory: Commonly, pro-wrestling fans cheer for their larger-than-life heroes to defeat morally corrupt villains. In Kaiju Big Battel the stakes are even higher as the wrestlers literally tower over skyscrapers and they are often fighting for control of the entire universe. My first question, for everyone, pertains to a wacky theory that I’ve come up with; I think that the world around us is not exactly as it seems, and pro-wrestling could be a fake, scripted show. I have even started to believe that Kaiju Big Battel is actually a bunch of humans in elaborate costumes partaking in highly entertaining, predetermined events full of gimmicks and special effects, and in fact we are all very safe from the so-called ‘danger’ of these monsters destroying the cities where we live. How do you respond to the idea that the world around you could all be one big phony, dramatic play where writers determine your fate?

Kaiju Commissioner: First, let me start off by saying that the subject you bring up is a sensitive one here at the Kaiju Regulatory Commission (KRC). Not to sound combative, but it’s attitudes like yours that lead to Danger occurring in its worst form, and why the KRC, and Kaiju Big Battel as a whole, exists in the first place.

Let me answer your question with a question of my own. If monsters weren’t real, and all of this were just a big, fake, phony dog and pony show, then what do you say to someone like Pedro Plantain, who saw his brother Pablo get stabbed in the back by the brainwashed Silver Potato?

Dr. Cube: I’ll take credit for that one.

Commissioner: And furthermore, what would you say to Pablo himself, if he could understand you, that is, since he’s now just a mindless zombie, lumbering across the world in a never ending search for brains?

Dr. Cube: That was me, too.

Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder: Shut up, fool! And as for you, Mr. Interviewer, let me tell you something’! Ask any unlucky sucka who been in the ring with me whether I pull any punches! And I don’t need no writer or booker telling me whether or not I win or lose! When I go out there, I win. Every time. In fact, the only predetermined part of Kaiju is that I can’t be beat!

Commissioner: You see now why this is a touchy subject. Earlier this month, we had to suspend one of our commentators for a month after reacting rather violently to that same question. Beav has some problems, and he’s taking care of them, but questions like that really boil his blood, and perhaps understandably so.

WWT: My apologies, it was just a wacky theory. For my next question I’d like to talk about championship titles. Many pro-wrestling critics claim that with so many different titles and meaningless title changes these days, championships hold little meaning anymore. As three important members of the Kaiju Big Battel, I would like to ask you how you feel about the importance of a championship title, in particular your own Kaiju Grand Championship.

Dr. Cube: Being a multi-time champion myself, the only champion here right now, and let’s face it, the only worthwhile champion in Kaiju history, I’ll take this one first. To me, the Kaiju Grand Championship is merely a stepping-stone. Most “wrestlers” grow up with some foolish boyhood dream about someday winning a big gold belt with a picture of the planet on it. Those people are idiots. I don’t want a world map. I can find that on Google. No, I want the world itself.

When I win the Kaiju Grand Championship, the world comes to a grinding halt. Ordinary simpletons stop what they’re doing and take notice of the true dominant force in the universe, which makes them fish in a barrel for me when I eventually enslave them. The Commissioner knows this, and that’s why he hasn’t given me a title shot in two years. As far as I’m concerned, that belt means nothing without me.

Commissioner: You have done nothing but wreak havoc and make my life a living hell for the last decade! What makes you think I should reward you for that?

Anyway, the Kaiju Grand Championship is not, as Dr. Cube believes, a stepping-stone to world domination. Keep in mind that Kaiju Big Battel was started to prevent the destruction of the world by city-crushing monsters, and to contain these Fightos inside a safe radius.

To me, the Grand Championship is simply a symbol of who is the best. Plain and simple. Sure, anyone can win the belt in some crazy fluke. Call-Me-Kevin held the belt for half a year, and he hadn’t won a match in his career up to that point. But when he faced a real Kaiju Hero like Neo Teppen, even with your interference, Dr. Cube, he folded like an accordion.

Dr. Cube: I was just doing what I had to do. Also, are you saying that loathsome lagomorph Dusto Bunny isn’t a “real Kaiju Hero?” I could’ve sworn I saw Kevin pin him in the center of the ring.

SPTB: You watch what you’re saying, blockhead! Everyone knows that Dusto would’ve won the title if the Iron Brothers weren’t hired to stick their noses where they didn’t belong!
I swear, when I find the sorry sucka who hired them, there’s gonna be hell to pay!

But that also proves the point I was gonna make. As far as this rock’s concerned, that belt might as well be a bulls-eye on your back. Everyone’s gunning for you, including me. I want that title so much I can taste it. And I can’t even promise that Neo Teppen is safe. We may both be Kaiju Heroes, but if he steps in the ring with me, he’s goin’ down like everyone else.

WWT: Tentacle, you are a monster, but also a very down to earth and blue-collar guy. Do you feel that too many wrestlers these days are getting ‘pushed’ to the top of the pro-wrestling industry without properly paying their dues?

SPTB: To me, pushes don’t mean nothin’. You have to go out and take your spot. Too many guys be complainin’ all the time; this guy’s not getting pushed, this guy don’t deserve his push, this guy pushed me. I don’t wanna hear it. When I came to Kaiju Big Battel, in my first match, I beat French Toast in under a minute. Was my night done? No way, sucka! I went right back out one match later and beat up that rainbow munch Super Wrong because I felt like it. The next Battel, I wasn’t even on the card! So I came out, busted some heads, wash, rinse, repeat. You want a push? Push some faces into the dirt.

WWT: This is a question for everyone. Recently in mainstream North American pro-wrestling there has been a lot of controversy surrounding discrimination against minority wrestlers, in particular black wrestlers not being characterized well or treated fairly by management. In Kaiju Big Battel there are any different races, and even species, of monster and my readers would like to know what kinds of discrimination exist in your locker room?

Dr. Cube: I personally just hate everyone.

Commissioner: Quiet, you. Of course there are different races of monsters. The problem is, from a scientific standpoint, monsters don’t fall under one specific kingdom, family, genus or species. Otherwise, they’d be just another animal. Look at Vegetius; he has a beak like a bird, a shell and a body like a turtle, a pointy head like a unicorn, and he walks upright like a human. But he’s not genetically related to any of them or classified under any specific race. I’d shudder to think there were others like him.

SPTB: I noticed those Space Bugs treat that creepy black one differently.

Dr. Cube: You mean Dai Hachi Hachi? I like him, personally. Uchu Chu hates black bugs, just like I’ve been saying all along.

Commissioner: Now, now, gentlemen. Uchu Chu may be prone to a little rule-bending here and there, but he’s no racist. Dai Hachi Hachi is probably not very well-liked by his fellow space bugs because he’s never won a match, not because his exoskeleton is darker.

But to answer your question, American Beetle doesn’t really get along well with French Toast. Beetle is touchy about certain things, and the French is one of them.

WWT: Commissioner, appealing to you sensibilities as a former UN peace dignitary as well as a brilliant chocolate industry marketing mogul, how do you address critics who might attack the Kaiju policy of literally selling pieces of ‘meat’ from dead Kaiju wrestlers as being exploitive and possibly even promoting cannibalism among humans?

Commissioner: Once again, I think you have us confused with an actual pro wrestling organization. When Vince McMahon died tragically last summer in his exploding limousine, we all felt the heartache. Vince was a personal friend of mine, and I still miss him to this day. But if his son or daughter turned around and just started selling pieces of his burnt flesh, I think we’d all be a little disgusted, because that truly would be capitalizing on a performer’s death.

But Kaiju Big Battel is no performance, and the monsters are not employees. Kaiju exists as a means for monsters to wage war on each other with minimal collateral damage. It may sound coarse, but if Gii the Space Pirate drops dead tomorrow, that’s no skin off my back. He’s one less headache. If anything, the sale of monster meat is a good thing. It means that there’s one less monster to worry about in the world.

WWT: In the past there have been some other ‘monster’ characters in pro-wrestling, from The Boogeyman to Mantaur, The Yeti, Xanta Klaus, Max Moon, Gangrel and even the Undertaker or George ‘the Animal’ Steele. Do any of you feel an affinity towards these, or any other, predecessors of the monster wrestlers in Kaiju Big Battel?

Dr. Cube: Well, first off, Xanta Klaus wasn’t a monster. He was just Santa’s evil brother who lived in the South Pole and took presents instead of giving them. He’s a good friend of mine, and I wasn’t going to sit here and let you slander his name like that. The Christmas Creature, on the other hand, even I wish I could create something like that.

In general, however, most of the time, these supposed “monsters” are just dumb, fat humans with silly costumes and lots of back hair. They usually have a poor grasp of the English language, too. These men are “monsters” in wrestling parlance, but they don’t really have much in common with my monsters.

I liked the Yeti, though.

WWT: Yes, the Yeti was a huge star, but even he hid his face under a mask. Dr. Cube, it has been said that your wear your cube mask to hide the acne scars of your youth. In theory, the biggest humiliation for a masked wrestler is to have their face exposed in the middle of the ring, but I think that losing the mask actually liberates a wrestler and forges an emotional connection with the audience, rather than say, just wanting to dominate and enslave them. How do you feel about the tradition of your mask and when will we see the true face of Dr. Cube?

Dr. Cube: Look, maybe this is bad for business, but I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I, Dr. Cube, genius mind and creator of a thousand city crushing monsters, don’t give a rat’s ass about the fans. The only connection I want to make with them is the tip of my drillbit into their skulls. So I will never, not in a thousand years, do something to make those idiot fans happy.

Also, you need to do some research. My scars aren’t the result of just a little bad acne. This face has seen horrors from a scalpel you wouldn’t believe. And the idea of me removing my mask isn’t all that crazy. I do it pretty often, actually. You’d be surprised how good a weapon it makes.

Look at that homosexual caped crusader Batman. He wasn’t bitten by a radioactive bat and now has the gift of flight or sonar or blindness. He calls himself Batman because people are afraid of bats, and therefore the bat is something he equates with fear. The bat is a symbol. I’m the same way, minus the creepy pedophilic relationship with Jojo the idiot circus boy. The Cube is a symbol; in this case, one that represents the future leader of this world. So yeah, the mask isn’t going anywhere.

WWT: On a personal note, Dr. Cube, I’d like to ask if you familiar with the multitude of young people who spend countless hours on their computers writing columns and discussing things such as pro-wrestling and Kaiju Big Battel? As our possible future leader, how do you see people like this fitting into your vision of the future?

Dr. Cube: Really, I could care less what these simpletons do in their spare time. Look at the boards on Kaiju.com. Nowhere else will you find a more textbook definition of drooling, blathering idiots. I mean, there’s people writing fanfiction, making second-rate puppets, complaining about “long-term booking”, just the complete scum of the Earth, and that means a lot coming from me.

Honestly, when I enslave the entire human race, it won’t matter if you were a doctor, a teacher, a nun, a lawyer, a mechanic or that smelly drifter who keeps showing up at my lab asking for cheeseburgers. Everyone’s getting drilled in the forehead. Complete lobotomy. What, you think I was going to let people think for themselves? You’ve seen what happens when that’s allowed. Kaiju Big Battel fanfiction, that’s what.

WWT: Many online wrestling fans are predicting that pro-wrestling will become less popular as mixed martial arts events, like the UFC and EXC, continue to gain mainstream popularity. Do any of you see MMA influence in the evolution of the Kaiju fighting style?

Commissioner: I think, in some ways, you can argue Kaiju already has a significant mixed martial arts feel to it already. Kung Fu Chicken Noodle is a master of hundreds of stances and fighting styles. The Grudyin has been wearing a wrestling singlet around lately, so if he were smart enough, I’m sure he’d be learning some Greco-Roman techniques. Even Sun Buster has picked up some shotokan karate moves from playing Street Fighter Alpha 2 in the Kaiju Break Room.

SPTB: And my ground and pound is unbeatable! All I gotta do is just sit down, and it’s an instant tapout. Or ref stoppage, if I crushed the guy too much.

WWT: Tentacle, recently at an event in New York City you had an issue with Dr. Cube. Since he is listening, do you have anything you’d like to say to him?

SPTB: You damn right I do, sucka! That boxheaded fruit booty insulted my mother, and when you disrespect one mother, you disrespect mothers all over the world. And then the sucka tried to throw water on me! – hate water! I’m Steam Powered, fool! I got a flame inside me, and I don’t need to water gettin’ all up in that!

Cube! You better get on your knees and pray to God that the next Battel ain’t takin’ place near no body of water! I ain’t gettin’ on no boat, sucka. But on dry land, you dead meat, fool!

WWT: Commissioner, I’d like to thank you for taking the time out of your schedule to partake in this interview and allowing me access to some of your great stars. In conclusion, do you have any announcements or warnings that you would like to give my readers?

Commissioner: Well, as you probably know already, Kaiju Big Battel will be at the San Diego Comic Con from July 24th to the 27th at Booth #4632.

But perhaps even more importantly, the Kaiju Regulatory Commission has declared two live Battels coming soon! And lucky for you, Mr. Reporter, we’re announcing them here first!

The first is this upcoming Friday, in Podunk, Idaho. Tickets are on sale at the Podunk Sherriff’s Department/General Store. We kind of forgot to hype that one, so we don’t expect attendance to be that hot.

But the other Battel, now this is the one we’re truly looking forward to. August 23rd, Kaiju Big Battel returns to New York for a spectacular river-side rampage at The Yard in Brooklyn! Yes, for the first time in ages, there will be an outdoor fighto, but this time, it’s right on the edge of a canal! It’ll be wet, wild fun for everyone!

SPTB: What?!! A canal?! How am I supposed to get over there and bust that rainbow munch’s boxy head?!

Dr. Cube: Ahahahahahahahahahhhahha! You’re washed up! Haha! Cry me a river! Baahahaha!! Why don’t you go drown your sorrows! Aahahah! Maybe we can rent a tugboat… so your mother can come! Ahaahahahah!

Commissioner: Sorry, Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder, I guess we didn’t think that one through. But the show must go on. August 23rd, The Yard on 400 Carroll St in Brooklyn. Check Kaiju.com in the upcoming weeks for more info leading up to the show!