The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 07.24.08
Posted by Jeff Small on 07.24.2008
I Spoil Smackdown Within the First Two Paragraphs!!!
And One to Start With…
On second thought, fuck that. Hell, fuck any introduction to the news report. Even though, I had this fun story I wanted to share with you all, it's going to have to wait until next week. Today, we have much more important things to discuss. You see today might be the happiest day of my life. I returned home after a long day of work and immediately visited my favorite website ( Dog Reel ). Three hours later (Arch Kincaid's so funny), I went to this very website and read the Smackdown Spoilers. After reading them, I officially declared that nothing else in my life matters.
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
Keep waiting…
Yes, yes…
KHALI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sponsored by Midway Games of India
For those who have missed the Great Khali, fear not because today's Small-For-All will be chock full-o-Khali. Why? Let's immediately get this Punjabi Plane flying!!!
NEWS FROM KHALI TOWERS
Summerslam Main Event Revealed!!!
On this Friday's Smackdown, a new #1 contender to Triple H's WWE Title will be revealed. Those who have decent inferring skills or are not mentally retarded should realize that the Great Khali wins the #1 Contender Battle Royal. And why wouldn't he? For the Great Khali is not only the Pride of the Punjab but is also the Master of the Battle Royal™. Astute readers will remember that in his first Battle Royal, Khali won the vacated World Heavyweight Championship. In the Monster Mash Battle Royal, Khali opted not to win it since he hates Halloween. In his last Battle Royal, he used his deception skills by purposely getting eliminated early to trick both Raw and ECW into thinking that Smackdown had no chance in winning (but they won, bitches!). And now on Friday, he will win another Battle Royal: this time against powerhouses including Ken Kennedy, MVP, and Umaga!
But only super-Khali fans (like myself) will know that he was involved in the deadliest battle royal of all time. Back when Khali was in school, he and his classmates were kidnapped on their class trip. When Khali awoke, he saw that he was on a deserted island with an electronic collar around his neck. He soon learned that the government brought his class here as part of the Millennium Educational Reform Act of India. On the island, Khali was instructed to kill all of his classmates until he was the only one left. At first, he did not want to but since he is a killer, he chopped the living shit out of each of his classmates. Yes, Khali was the winner of the first ever Battle Royale.
In case you don't believe me, here's a picture of Khali's class.
It's like Where's Waldo only tougher.
Updated Summerslam Card
With Khali's ascension to the main event scene (once again), one must reflect on the true star of the Biggest Blockbuster of the Summer. First, here's the updated Summerslam card:
Clearly, the WWE is placing all of their eggs in the breadbasket of the Great Khali. And who could blame them? The Great Khali is an international sensation. For the last few hours, I have been at my local library doing research on the Prince of the Punjab to show you all his massive appeal.
Exhibit A: During Khali's monthly sabbatical to return to India, he was all over the news. Quotes from his diet (he's having chickens tonight) to the real-life dangers of wrestling (people can die – don't believe him, he killed someone!) to even his sex life (it only takes four women and two tigers to satisfy his sexual urges). I had enough information for my news report each week that I decided to neglect TNA.
Exhibit B: The ridiculous amount of fan sites dedicating to the Great Khali. My favorite Khali website is Khali.info which has everything you need to know about Khali including how to perfect the Khali taunt, famous quotes, and even cartoons. Here's my favorite Khali cartoon:
Sure it's the ONLY cartoon, but still, it's more hilarious than Nick Cannon
Exhibit C: Khali is over huge in India. Overseas, PPV buyrates are increasing while the WWE is having problems getting their domestic audience to purchase their shows. Not only will Khali increase their overseas numbers but he will also increase domestic buyrates because who doesn't want to see him in the main event? Please don't answer that.
Who else is now looking forward to Summerslam?
WHAMMY!!!!
Quick N Dirty WWE News
From all the usual sources:
Ron Killings will be debuting on Smackdown as R-TRUTH
Couldn't Vince have waited a few more years to see Wall-E?
Lena Yada is training at UPW to be a wrestler.
Kudos to Lena. UPW churned out John Cena so really how bad can she turn out to be?
Backstage this week were Kenny Dykstra, DH Smith, and Candice Michelle
While I would like Candice to return, I'm afraid that this will mark the end of Mickie James's title reign. As for Kenny and DH, the Great Khali does need enhancement talent to eat before his title match.
According to Variety, the WWE is attempting to make all three of their television shows rated TV-PG.
Oh poopy, there goes the HLA, necrophilia, and any storyline involving Steve Blackman (narcolepsy).
When asked about her relationship with John Cena on the WWE Fan Nation blog, Mickie James stated that a true lady never kisses and tells.
Rather a true lady posts hardcore pictures of herself from a foot fetish magazine.
Brian Kendrick's new gimmick might be a play on his Leonardo DiCaprio gimmick he used in Zero One.
Couldn't Vince have waited a few more years to see What's Eating Gilbert Grape?
When Wellness Attacks~
On July 21st, the WWE updated their Wellness Policy Program. Updates include:
Adding new drugs to the list of banned substances in the program. Anti-estrogens have been added to the list of banned substances due to their ability to be used to mask the effects of steroid use.
Mandatory cognitive tests for performers to monitor brain conditions. WWE is now using The ImPACT™ Concussion Management Program for all WWE performers. The ImPACT program is used by the National Football League, the National Hockey League, Major League Baseball, Major League Soccer, and the NCAA.
Expanding drug treatment services to former performers.
Of course, the WWE will still continue to release publicly the names of the offenders. That way we can mock the offenders on message boards while optimistically hope that they clean their shit up. Regardless, kudos to the WWE for continuing to update their Wellness Policy. It's not the best out there but it's getting better.
REMEMBER ME?
Yes that's the One Billy Gunn. Not to be confused with Mr. Ass, Bad Ass Billy Gunn, Rockabilly, Kip Sopp, Billy G, the Outlaw, the G-Man, and of course, Kip James. Here's hoping that TNA continues to forget about him (or at least leave him off of the Hard Justice card).
NEWS FROM O-TOWN
The Monster is Coming
According to Wrestling Observer, "The Kaz retirement from TNA is an angle."
Hey remember when Kaz was actually being pushed as a main event level talent? Funny how a losing streak gimmick (which really is the worst possible gimmick out there) will pretty much kill that. While a losing gimmick is an easy way to turn a face into a whiny heel, all of the jobs along the way kills any credibility the wrestler has. Unless of course TNA plans to replace Kaz with a wrestler with a food gimmick such as the Cookie Monster or better yet, the Hydrox!!! Here's a perfect storyline for you TNA: label him Hydrox and have him feud with Curry Man. Then have him team up with Black Reign and Rellik (did you know Rellik spelled backwards is unemployed?).
Quote the Guerrero, Nevermore!
According to the Miami Herald, Hector Guerrero is upset that Vickie has not spoken to him in a long time. He even goes as far as to say that he does not think of her as a Guerrero.
Silly Hector, the best way to get someone to speak to you is to NOT call them out in public. Seriously, why can't people leave their dirty laundry in the hamper?
Secret Agent Man
According to ProWrestling.net, "TNA creative team member Dutch Mantell has been filling in for departing agent Scott D'Amore at the house shows."
Well there's no one better to fill-in as a road agent than one of the members of creative. Now's the time for TNA superstars not named Kurt Angle to exceed any expectations in house shows if they want to get pushed. Or just wait until a member of creative makes racial comments. That's an easy way to get pushed to the top. Right Shelton?
COMING ATTRACTIONS
Wow, no YouTube videos this week. What's happened to me? Fine here's one.
I have stopped guessing whether Meehan will show up ever again.
For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted By: G. Khali (Guest) on July 24, 2008 at 12:34 AM
WHAMMY
and
KHALI
Please for the love of god never leave out the khali banner!
Posted By: Matt P (Guest) on July 24, 2008 at 12:37 AM
Is The Great Khali the Indian version of Chuck Norris by any chance?
Also any column bashing Nick Cannon gets a HUGE thumbs up from me
Posted By: Brad (Guest) on July 24, 2008 at 12:55 AM
I mark for the Battle Royale reference.
Posted By: Guest#6287 (Guest) on July 24, 2008 at 01:29 AM
Any, and I mean ANY Steve Blackman reference gets a +1 from me.
Posted By: Buddha (Guest) on July 24, 2008 at 01:54 AM
Awesome Battle Royale reference!!
Posted By: Jay (Guest) on July 24, 2008 at 02:05 AM
Great Battle Royale usage Small I give it 2 crotch-stabbings
Posted By: Guest#4198 (Guest) on July 24, 2008 at 02:06 AM
Two things:
1. The Blackman/Narcolepsy joke makes no sense as there is nothing non-PG about falling asleep.
2. "According to the Miami Herald, Hector Guerrero is upset that Vickie has not spoken to him in a long time. He even goes as far as to say that he does not think of her as a Guerrero. "
This is a complete misrepresentation of what he said. He said he, as well as the rest of the famil, harbored no ill will towards her at all, understood why she was doing what she was doing, and just hoped she would reach out to them.
Posted By: Guest#7533 (Guest) on July 24, 2008 at 03:15 AM
Is The Great Khali the Indian version of Chuck Norris by any chance?
The real question is Chuck Norris the American version of The Great Khali?
Posted By: Mathew Sforcina (Registered) on July 24, 2008 at 07:38 AM
I got a question did international buyrates for PPVs like Judgment Day and ONS07 increase alot from past years when Khali main evented those PPVs? What about GAB, SummerSlam and Unforgiven 07 where he was champion but didn't main event
Khali-for-all was hilarious especially the battle royale thing
Posted By: Colin (Guest) on July 24, 2008 at 08:09 AM
One of your better columns in a while Small...I too hate Halloween
Posted By: Kegger (Guest) on July 24, 2008 at 09:43 AM
I would be all for a Triple H/Khali fued, as long as everytime te H's tried to stop Khali yelled at him like he does that phone in the video. Classic!
Posted By: Toddo (Guest) on July 24, 2008 at 10:29 AM
I remember when this used to be the best read on 411.
Enough of the Khali stuff.
Not funny.
did someone different used to write this? This is awful.
Posted By: opp (Guest) on July 24, 2008 at 12:17 PM
That is not The One Billy Gunn. That is Mr. Ass. The One Billy Gunn had brown hair and his shorts proclaimed that he is The One. He also had a look of knowledge that he would never be a main eventer on his face. This Billy Gunn still thinks he has a chance. This is an ASSMAN.
Posted By: Satan (Guest) on July 24, 2008 at 12:24 PM
Seriously, the Khali-For-All is all the news I need. Even if he doesn't win the WWE Title at SS. WWE should respect the power of The Great Khali and create a custom championship turban for him- no matter what it couldn't look any worse than the Cena spinner belt.
Posted By: Ultra Gepetto (Guest) on July 24, 2008 at 12:37 PM
I appreciate your attempt at humor but seriously your picture of Khali's classmates is awful, it looks nothing like Indians, even from the extreme east of India is a long shot. Looks more like Khali's been studying in East Asia.
Posted By: Random Indian Guy (Guest) on July 24, 2008 at 12:52 PM
That clip of Khali yelling at the phone is hilarious. Khali is doing standup at the Mumbai Comedy Cottage, I hear.
Posted By: Redvic (Guest) on July 24, 2008 at 01:17 PM
Khali, what did you say?
Khali: Inaudible
Me: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU SAID!!!
Posted By: D. Johnson (Guest) on July 24, 2008 at 01:22 PM
One thing wrong in your article. In India, we get PPV's for free, so buy rates will not increase here even if Khali wins the title.
That being said, Khali WAS all over the news during his visit here and the news channels did actually have specials regarding his diet etc. In fact, i got so sick of Khali news, i didnt watch any News channel for a week, only way to escape Khali
Posted By: Grim (Guest) on July 24, 2008 at 01:49 PM
That picture of Kahli's class looks like India's version of the punjabi village of the damned. But I fuckin lost it when I noticed the 2 head shots in circles who I guess were absent students that day. HAHAHAHA to funny!
Posted By: AWESOM-O (Guest) on July 24, 2008 at 06:23 PM
jeez some of you need to lighten up. The Khali stuff is fun. Why so serious?
Posted By: penhead (Guest) on July 24, 2008 at 07:54 PM
Khali will put a smile on your face!
KHA KHA KHA KHA KHA KHA KHA KHA!!!!
Posted By: Pepo (Guest) on July 24, 2008 at 11:32 PM
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