The Un-Dream Match 7.27.08: Survivor Series Elimination Match
Posted by Chris Lansdell on 07.27.2008
Bret Hart, Iron Sheik, Hulk Hogan and Matt Hardy vs. Shawn Michaels, Kanyon, ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage and Edge (w/ Lita)
Referee: Earl Hebner Special enforcer: Ultimate Warrior Commentators: Paul Heyman and Jim Cornette
LIVE, from Montreal, Québec.
Ultimate Warrior's music hits Heyman: Here comes the most insecure, unstable champion in WWE history Cornette: I don't see Rob van Dam anywhere… Heyman:Rob van Dam is a great man and you never discovered anyone with a tenth of his talent. Cornette: Oh shut up Bruce. Warrior is about a quarter of the way down the aisle Heyman: Something seems different with Warrior today… Cornette: Maybe he should have used mass transit to get to the ring, right Paul? Heyman: He said he was 18! Cornette: That's what Feinstein said. Heyman: I swear Jim, I'm about a second away from beating you to within an inch of your miserable, pathetic, polyester-sheathed life! Cornette: You sure you have the training for that? You don't need a few garbage –wrestling ex-cons to back you up with frying pans and cheese graters? Maybe you can get some fake IDs and bring in the Philadelphia Boys' Home! Heyman: Well, they'd beat the holy hell out of your geriatric Rock n' Chair Express! Isn't it true, sir, that your mom was their WHORE! WHORE! WHORE! Cornette waffles Heyman with the tennis racket and lays in the weakest punches this side of Rob van Dam. Heyman comes back with a shot from a cricket bat to the groin, then powerbombs him through the announce table! Meanwhile, Warrior is climbing the ring steps. Don West jogs to the announce position and dons the headset. See what I did there? West:We're about to see the greatest match in the history of Survivor Series, and did you see that? *wheeze*Heyman just powerbombed Jim Cornette through a table! *wheeze*UN!BE!LIEVABLE! *wheeze* What…what impact! Rellik is Killer spelled backwards!*wheeze* Heyman smooths out his clothes, replaces his hat and puts the headset back on West: OH MY GOD DIDYOUSEETHAT? *wheeze* HEYMAN PUT THE HEADSET ON! *wheeze* WHAT ELSE IS GOING TO HAPPEN HERE TONIGHT!*wheeze* Heyman: Let this be a lesson to anyone who thinks I'm a pushover. I will bounce you off a table if you get in my face. West: You just said bounce off a table! Did you hear that! Bounce like your cheques! 'Sexy Boy' starts, but it's a strange male's voice saying "Oh God SHAWN!" at the beginning. Michaels comes out looking confused at first, but soon gets back into his regular entrance.
West: DIDYOUJUSTSEETHAT? *wheeze* MICHAELS LOOKED CONFUSED!*wheeze* MY GOD WHAT…WHAT A NIGHT! THE CROWD IS GOING CRAZY! *wheeze* Heyman: If you don't calm down you'll be GAH! Heyman is cut off by Cornette jabbing him in the groin with a Louisville Slugger. Michaels stands in the ring watching as the two fight up the aisle. Warrior is sitting next to the ring, hands on his knees and head down, gasping for breath West: OHMYGOD DIDYOUSEETHAT? HEYMAN GOT CAUGHT IN THE GROIN IT JUST COMES OUT OF NOWHERE! THIS IS INCREDIBLE LISTEN TO THIS CROWD! *long wheeze* WHO better than Kanyon?
West collapses as Kanyon strides to the ring, a goofy grin on his face and a copy of Shawn's Playgirl magazine in his hands, which he looks at adoringly every now and then. Shawn looks…uncomfortable. Kanyon gets in the ring and tries to approach Shawn, who backs off, keeping his rear end facing the corner. You think you know me… Edge does his regular entrance, Lita in tow. A cameraman is in front of them as they come down the ramp, and we cut to that shot, just in time to see Lita run at him. The camera is facing the ceiling of the arena, and we see from another angle that Lita is humping the ever-loving hell out of the cameraman. Edge laughs. Kanyon looks disgusted. We see medics tending to West, but they shake their heads and leave ringside. One of them stops to pull West's eyes closed. Lansdell and Slimmer come running down the ramp to assume commentary as Pomp and Circumstance starts playing. Lansdell: One two, is this on? Yo Slimmer hit me with that UnDream Matchhhhhh… Slimmer: Lansdell, this isn't just an undream, it's a freaking nightmare. Lansdell: Let's get this shit locked down and under control. Randy Savage, the captain of the team, is on his way to the ring to join this…shall we say "eclectic assortment"? Slimmer: "Eclectic?" No, my girlfriend's taste in art is eclectic. These guys are just a train wreck waiting to happen. Lita dismounts the poor cameraman on the ramp, who looks nauseous. She goes to join her team in the ring, stopping every now and then to make out with fans. Lansdell: Girlfriend. Pffft. Well, the Macho Men certainly look hungry, Slimmer. Slimmer: Not as hungry as Lita and Kanyon. Lansdell: Kanyon appears to be making eyes at a rather tall gentleman in the crowd. Wait, is that…is that Jeff Small??? Slimmer: No, that's The Great Khali, not Jeff Small. Small is the guy on his knees in front of Khali. Lansdell: No wonder Kanyon is panting Slimmer: He should really be paying attention to his own partners. Of course, HBK seemed to get a bit nervous the last time he did that. Lansdell: Well, here comes the opposition, as the best there is. the best there was and the best there ever will be approaches the ring Slimmer: I don't see Bryan Danielson anywhere. Whatchu talkin' bout, Lansdell? Lansdell: Shhh, you'll set off the smark alarm Slimmer: Just tryin' to keep the ROHbots happy. They scare me. Lansdell: Why is HBK whispering to Hebner? Slimmer: I think he's still trying to get Kanyon tossed out of the match. Lansdell: The crowd has started the "You screwed Bret" chants pretty early, and Kanyon seems to be getting the wrong idea... Slimmer: You say that like there's a right idea there. Everything about Shawn / Bret / Earl was just wrong from the start. Lansdell: Bret has decided to keep his sunglasses tonight, apparently his life is Sunny again. And now the Iron Sheik is coming to join him. Slimmer: And speaking of Bret's Sunny days, Edge seems a bit upset that he might not be the biggest pimp in this match. Lansdell: Oh good grief, Lita appears to be fondling Hebner's package Slimmer: Hey, that man did once screw Bret Hart, and to be fair, Lita is slightly more attractive than Bret. Lansdell: It's a close one. Slimmer: So Earl's doing just fine, if you ask me. Lansdell: Sheik wants to go straight after Kanyon, but Warrior is there to stop him. This could break down real quick here Slimmer Slimmer: No joke. Shouldn't a special guest enforcer be, I dunno, SANE? Lansdell: He works for minimum wage.
Here comes the biggest cuckold since Test, Matt Hardy! Slimmer: And now Bret's whining about no longer being the biggest whiner on his team.
It's gonna be a long night. Lansdell: That's what Lita said Slimmer: Is Earl Hebner paying you to say that stuff? Lansdell: He paid me, but it was for a little blue pill, which appears to be working...to Lita's glee Slimmer: What were you doing raiding Flair's medicine cabinet? Let me guess: You desired it, so Cryme Tyme acquired it. Lansdell: And all it cost me was a bucket of fried chicken and 3 watermelons. OH MY GOD! Kanyon just got an eyeful of Hebner and NAILED Lita with a Flatliner! Slimmer: Man, Lita must be out of practice. She almost never lets one slip by her. Lansdell: Kanyon now has a mouthful of Hebner, who has his eyes closed and doesn't know who it is! Slimmer: This is not going to help Team Macho's chances. Lansdell: Here comes the Hulkster, and the Hulking Maniacs are charging the ring! Sheik hammers Kanyon up the ass with the toe of his boot! Slimmer: I had a roommate in college that used to order pay-per-views that started just like this. Sick freak. Lansdell: you went to college with Bayani? Slimmer: Bayani went to college? I thought he just put lots of chicks in his columns because he never made it out of middle school. Lansdell: I've read his stuff, it's possible. We have general pandemonium in the ring, everyone beating on everyone. Lita is still flat on her back in the middle of the ring, Hebner is trying to do up his pants. Slimmer: Yep, yep, that's pretty much just like my roommate's ppvs. Warrior... Warrior really needs to get control of the situation. Lansdell: Here comes Warrior to sort it all out! By the time he gets through those ropes it will be over Slimmer: Hey, watch it with the old jokes. Csonka might actually read this thing. Lansdell: With my name on it? I think not! Slimmer: Fair enough. Lansdell: Warrior can't decide if he wants to beat up Sheik or Kanyon more Slimmer: Go for Sheik!
Go for Sheik! Lansdell: Noggin knocker! Slimmer: Why does that sound like something that Kanyon would enjoy? Lansdell: Will you STOP! OK we're down to 2 in the ring, Edge and Bret. Some semblance of order has been restored. Paramedics are attending to Lita. Slimmer: Really? Because from where I'm sitting, it looks more like Lita's attending to the paramedics. Lansdell: Oh good Lord. The woman is ravenous Slimmer: Dude, Heyman's still around somewhere. You don't have to mention Raven or any of those other Bingo Hall rejects. Lansdell: ROHbots scare you, and ECW fans don't? By the way, is Don West, you know, dead? Slimmer: We can only hope. That actually might put asses in the seats. Lansdell: Kanyon heard that Slimmer: Crap, gotta distract him... Lansdell: Nice snap suplex by Edge, and he's in control with a front facelock. Slimmer: Gotta love the Canadian violence. Lansdell: Who's the old man that's talking to Sheik? Slimmer: Is that Verne Gagne? Lansdell: I think it is! What the hell is he doing here? Slimmer: Wait, wait, he's pulling out a briefcase full of money! Is that one hundred thousand dollars in there? Lansdell: Hold on, let me count...yup! Slimmer: That old man must be senile. Lansdell: Hart dodges the spear....5 moves of doom! Slimmer: Somebody should tell Gagne that he needs to talk to Edge if he wants to buy some time with Lita. Lansdell: Shyeah right, like Lita charges Slimmer: Oh, right. But I think Matt might know someone who charges by the hour... Lansdell: Hart makes the tag to Hogan! Slimmer: Bret Hart is an idiot. Lansdell: Sheik's got a tire iron! Slimmer: OH MY GOD! Lansdell: WHAT THE HELL! Slimmer: SHEIK JUST BROKE HOGAN'S LEG! Lansdell: AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, HE BROKE IT IN HALF! Slimmer: PUPPIES! PUPPIES! PUPPIES! Sorry, I got distracted again... Lansdell: Edge has tagged in Michaels, and he locks in the figure 4! Slimmer: You know, that doesn't work nearly as well on a man with only one and a half legs.
But Hogan does seem to be in pain, so I guess it's getting the job done. Lansdell: I hear Zach Gowan is immune to it. Slimmer: Yeah, but he taps like a bitch to the Figure 1 leg lock. Lansdell: Hogan is writhing in agony, he's on the verge of tapping...Wait! Lita is in the ring, and sitting on Hogan's face! Slimmer: I can't decide it that's adding to the pain or not. And why isn't Warrior... Warrior doing his job and keeping that woman out of the ring? Lansdell: Would YOU touch her? Slimmer: Yeah, but I work in lab with a never ending supply of latex gloves. Lansdell: Also known as Customs. Matt Hardy seems to have had enough and has climbed to the top...WHAT??? The whole world has gone nuts. He hits Hogan with the elbow from the top! Slimmer: I can't believe that Bret Hart, the man that Hogan STILL refers to as a Vanilla Midget, is the only member of Hogan's team that hasn't turned on him yet. Lansdell: Wait, Hogan is hulking up! It was the reviving elbow! Slimmer: By the way, if you've never seen "Vanilla Midget" on ppv, you should totally rent it some time. Lansdell: I was the dolly grip in that movie. Slimmer: I thought I saw your name on IMDB once...So Hogan is now no-selling Sheik, Michaels, Lita, and Hardy. Classic. Lansdell: Hogan punches Michaels! Michaels stands up and theatrically throws himself onto Don West on the outside! Slimmer: That man bounces like one of Heyman's checks. Lansdell: Hogan must be one strong man! Slimmer: I hear Tony Atlas wants to manage him.. Lansdell: Kanyon is out to help Michaels...Oh. Oh no. Oh dear GOD no. Lita, Kanyon, HBK and a corpse in a pile on the concrete floor! Slimmer: Wait, wait, I've totally heard this joke...No, that was popes in a mini van. Lansdell: Michaels runs back into the ring, into Hogan's boot...with the broken leg! Slimmer: Hogan is twice the man Sid could ever be. If Sid had manned up like this, WCW would still be in business. Lansdell: Lita is trying to distract Hogan! That's not gonna work honey, you're not a blood relative!
Hogan drops the leg on Michaels...literally! Half his broken leg fell on HBK's head! Slimmer: I saw the exact same thing happen with Mad Dog Vachon once...Michaels no-sold it that time, too. Lansdell: Michaels tags Savage! Slimmer: And welcome back to 1989, ladies and gentlemen. Lansdell: Clothesline to Hogan! Savage goes up for the big elbow! What the...Stephanie McMahon's music? Why? Slimmer: And who is that with her? Is that... is that... Deuce and Domino's former manager, Cherry? Lansdell: It is! Slimmer: Cherry must be Stephanie's new executive assistant. That's hot! Lansdell: Is Russo booking this shit? Slimmer: Worse. It's the guys from the Payload. Lansdell: Speaking of payloads, Lita is extracting one from The Fink. Savage is down from the top rope and talking to Stephanie Slimmer: Where the hell is Chris Hanson when you need him? Lansdell: He just took Cherry from Stephanie! Slimmer: Well everybody else in the match has a woman... Lansdell: now who's going to make her coffee? Slimmer: Let's just hope Savage has the good sense to keep this one away from Lex Luger. Lansdell: Savage is back in the ring...Hogan has tagged Matt and Savage doesn't know it! Twist of Fate! Slimmer: Track 2, Blood on the Tracks, 1975. Sorry, I'm looking for a column in the Music section. Lansdell: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Slimmer: Hey, Wilcox made the jump. Lansdell: My bad, it was actually a dropkick. I was trained by JR Slimmer: BBQ much? Lansdell: Hardy with the cover...and the 3! First elimination! Slimmer: So wait, Hogan won't job to Shawn Michaels, HBK, the FREAKING SHOW STOPPER, but he just laid down for Matt Hardy? I'm so confused... Lansdell: That was Savage... Slimmer: You seen one old man, you seen 'em all. Lansdell: Stop quoting Lita! Hardy is celebrating...Edge spears him from behind! Slimmer: And that seems to have caught Kanyon's attention... Lansdell: Kanyon pulls Edge off Hardy and makes the cover himself...oh. That's not a cover. Slimmer: Hey Kanyon! You need his BACK on the mat, dumbass! Lansdell: Iron Sheik is in to break it up...Camel Clutch on Kanyon! Slimmer: He must be applying it wrong. Lansdell: He keeps yelling "YOU ARE HUMBELL!" Slimmer: Kanyon doesn't seem to be in pain. He even seems to be... enjoying it a bit. Lansdell: a gentleman in black and yellow garb has arrived at ringside. Surely that's not... Slimmer: I swear I saw this in a Blind Melon video once... Lansdell: It's Triple B! B Brian Blair! Slimmer: The Sheik seems a bit distracted. Lansdell: Edge grabs Sheik...Edgecution! Warrior is in the ring! Slimmer: And he's Gorilla Pressing... Kanyon? What the hell did Kanyon do? Lansdell: He's not making the world work. He does seem to be enjoying the hand in his crotch though. Slimmer: Sheik down! Kanyon down! Lansdell: Edge covers Sheik and gets the 3! Slimmer: We're down to 3-on-3. Or, as Lita calls it, Tuesday night. Lansdell: Speaking of Lita, she appears to be catching her breath. She's just sitting on a chair. A green chair. With a shillelagh. Slimmer: Oh, I do love H.M.A. Hot Midget Action. Lansdell: Edge and Matt Hardy hit a double crossbody, and they're both down. Perfect opportunity to point out the celebrities in the crowd. Slimmer: Jeff Small does NOT count as a celebrity. Lansdell: No, but Lenny Kravitz and Madonna do! Slimmer: Wait, why is Lenny Kravitz wearing a Yankees jersey? Dammit, Lansdell, that's not Lenny Kravitz, that's A-Rod. Lansdell: Oh snap! Slimmer: The tabloids are gonna love this. Lansdell: Uh oh, Lita heard you! She wants a rod Slimmer: You'd think that shillelagh would be enough... Lansdell: Poor Hornswoggle is left hung up! Slimmer: What kind of a woman blue balls a midget? That right there is some cold hearted shit. Lansdell: Hardy is up first and makes the tag to Bret Slimmer: And we're back to the Canadian Violence. Lansdell: Edge tags HBK!!!!! It's on like neck bone! I haven't seen so much hatred in a ring since Goldberg went to Germany! Slimmer: So are these two guys gonna go another hour? Because Lita's been winking at me, and I might need to duck backstage for a bit. Lansdell: Dude, triple bag it and rinse it with Clorox first Slimmer: Don't worry, I'll man up and make it through the match first. Lansdell: They are really pounding each other! Slimmer: Can we PLEASE stop talking about A-Rod and Madonna? There's a match going on! Lansdell: Look out, here comes Cinthia Rodriguez! Catfight! Slimmer: That's not nice. Sure, A-Rod hits like a girl, but it's till mean to call it a cat fight. Lansdell: Looks like A-Rod made an error. What a shock. Oh for crying out loud. Now Vince McMahon is at ringside! Slimmer: Somebody's gonna get screwed. And for once, I don't think Lita's gonna be involved. Lansdell: Warrior tackles McMahon! Slimmer: You can't tackle the boss! Lansdell: Warrior and McMahon! Warrior and McMahon! Slimmer: It's like Triple H's worst nightmare... Lansdell: Bret has the Sharpshooter on HBK! Slimmer: DON'T TAP, SHAWN! DON'T TAP! Lansdell: Triple H is out! With a casket! Slimmer: Oh, dear lord. Lansdell: He breaks the hold! Slimmer: 1989 was bad, but 2002 was even worse... Lansdell: Lita is looking in the casket...and climbs in! Is it Al Wilson or Katie Vick? Slimmer: Al Wilson? Is he alive or dead? I said, is he alive or dead? Lansdell: Part of him appears to be alive Slimmer: Triple H does not look amused. And Cherry seems to be calling someone on her cell phone. Lansdell: Triple H looks like he smells something rotten...in Omaha. Slimmer: I thought Cherry, um, "worked' for Savage now? Lansdell: I've lost track. Triple H levels Warrior and McMahon with the sledgehammer! Slimmer: Sledgie FTW! Sledgie FTW! Lansdell: Who was Cherry calling? Slimmer: "I'm all grown up..." Lansdell: She's back! Slimmer: Run, Triple H, run. Lansdell: Lita pops her head out of the casket! She jumps on Stephanie and Triple H! Oh yeah, there's a match in the ring! HBK hits the sweet chin music! Slimmer: Cover him! Cover him! Lansdell: The cover! 1...2...NO! Hebner stops counting! Slimmer: Hebner screwed... Shawn? That doesn't sound right. Lansdell: The crowd has gone nuts! Shawn sics Kanyon on Hebner! Slimmer: Dude, you only sold him one blue pill. Kanyon's not gonna get anything accomplished. Lansdell: Not from the front... Slimmer: Oh Earl. I'm so very sorry. Lansdell: We need a referee, stat! Glass shatters Slimmer: Sorry, I dropped my Martini. Lansdell: Meanwhile, Kane is coming down the aisle in a referee's shirt! Slimmer: Men that large should not wear vertical stripes. Lansdell: Goozle to Hart! Goozle to HBK! 1...2...3! Both men are gone! Slimmer: And it's Hogan & Hardy vs. Edge & Kanyon. That match could main event any TNA ppv. Lansdell: Warrior is back up and has cleared up all the extra-curricular activities. Hogan seems to have found some duct tape and reattached his leg! Slimmer: And it looks like it's going to be Hogan and Kanyon. Lansdell: Oh this should be fun. Slimmer: Oh, so you were the guy that liked WCW, huh? Lansdell: Cocaine is a helluva drug. Kanyon gains control early with the butt butt. Slimmer: I've heard that he's been training with Rikishi. Lansdell: Who of course has been banned from using that move after Evan Bourne got stuck in there Slimmer: ECW loses more new talent like that... Lansdell: Powerslam by Kanyon gets 2 Slimmer: I don't like his chances against Hogan. Lansdell: I don't think he cares much, he just wants to touch Hogan's manly muscles Slimmer: If Kanyon considers Hogan's muscles to be manly, then he REALLY needs to get out more. Lansdell: Kanyon tags to Edge who goes to work on the good leg Slimmer: Smart move. You know what they say about a no-legged man in an ass-whipping contest. Lansdell: Actually, no Slimmer: Then you need to get out more too, Lansdell. Lansdell: Have you SEEN how much I write for this place? Slimmer: Uh, no. I only read my stuff. Lansdell: That must be hard Slimmer: I find myself fascinating. Lansdell: Slimmer, look out behind you! Lita! Slimmer: PUPPIES! PUPPIES! PUPPIES! Lansdell: Well ladies and gentlemen, he'll be busy for at least the next 15 seconds Slimmer: Hey, I'm a professional. I can totally keep working while Lita... keeps working. But watch the teeth, bitch. Lansdell: Edge and Kanyon have Hogan up....Conchairto! Wait, Kanyon doesn't have a chair, that was a dildo! Slimmer: Condildo? Lansdell: The cover...the count....HULK UP! DILDO TO THE EYE! Slimmer: Kane should really have disqualified Kanyon for that. Oh, crap. He didn't see it. He's distracted. Lansdell: Dude, run. Slimmer: He's looking at his ex-wife. Who's currently servicing me. Small! Order 66! Lansdell: May 19th! May 19th! Slimmer: NOT HELPING, LANSDELL! Lansdell: OH MY GOD! Small just sicced Khali on Kane! Slimmer: Awesome. Lansdell: The ugly! It hurts my eyes! Slimmer: I seriously did miss their entire WrestleMania match while taking a piss. I've always wanted to see how that turned out. Lansdell: Hebner is conscious enough to count Hogan down for 3! It's down to Hardy vs Edge and Kanyon! Slimmer: Shoulda stayed in North Cakalaki, son. Lansdell: Hardy is doing it! He's staying on top! Fists of fire fists of fire! Slimmer: Hardy hits the Side Effect on Kanyon! Lansdell: Bulldog for Edge! Slimmer: He's heading up top... Lansdell: yodelling leg drop! Slimmer: Hardy gets the three count on Kanyon! Lansdell: Lita's on the apron! Slimmer: Hey, woman, get back here! Lansdell: Hardy slaps Lita! Slimmer: You're not done over here! Lansdell: Edge with the schoolboy...he got him! Slimmer: Sounds like Feinstein's booking this match... Lansdell: Oh God. Kanyon heard you...he's coming over to finish the job Slimmer: Hi Kanyon. Let me introduce you to my little friend. Or should I say, my Small friend. Lansdell: What a night! Edge is the soul survivor, Lita's a whore, Hogan has a broken leg, Kanyon and Small have found love...and me and Slimmer are off to hook up with Maria and Maryse Slimmer: I don't do French chicks. Lansdell: We can add Melina. More the merrier Slimmer: So any last thoughts on this "epic" match, Lansdell? Lansdell: I hope we never see the like of it again Slimmer: Amen, brother. Lansdell: Russo must be stopped, no matter the cost. Slimmer: Don't worry, TNA will probably go bankrupt in a few months. Of course, that means we might be stuck with Invasion II Lansdell: Stay tuned for the main event! Slimmer: This one looks great. Lansdell: An epic encounter indeed, pitting Yokozuna, Andre the Giant and the Big Show against Rey Misterio, Spike Dudley and Colin Delaney Slimmer: I got 50 on the midgets. Mostly cause two of the big guys are dead. Lansdell: For Scott Slimmer, I am the Lansdellicious One Chris Lansdell saying good night everyone! Slimmer: Anybody see where Lita went? Lansdell: She's got Kanyon! He kissed a girl and he liked it! Slimmer: Now that's what I call a happy ending.
