The Completely Serious News Report: 07.28.08

Posted by Stephen Randle on 07.28.2008

A new era is presented for your absolutely, totally serious consideration, wherein Raw shall be previewed, various news items shall be discussed at length, and absolutely no shenanigans at all will occur. Now sit quietly and pay attention!

Good morning. With the unfortunate disappearance of former 411 news reporter Stephen Randle, I have been appointed to replace him and his semi-popular Wrestling News Experience. My name is David T. Camell, and I am sure that you will all quickly accept me as your new favourite 411 writer. After all, you claimed to enjoy the pathetic comic style of that grinning jackanape, and I am ever so much more intelligent than he could ever hope to be.

Now, I know that there were some of you that might have been amused by Mr. Randle's childish attempts to imitate such popular television shows as The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. Rest assured, we shall have none of that silliness here. No, there will be no wacky antics whatsoever, just plain news, facts, and maybe, if you are able to behave yourselves, even some statistics.

Prepare yourselves for dry, intellectual stimulation, for this is…



What a beautiful banner that is. Entirely serious and respectful, full of straight lines and the very humble Courier font, which, as is well known, is the least exciting of all fonts.

Now that my introduction is complete, let us commence with the dispensation of-

Not so fast, Camell!

Who said that?

Oh, I think you know exactly who this is. Did you really think that you could replace me that easily?

Randle? But you were blown up in a mysterious explosion two weeks ago!

You don't have to remind me, I was there.

Bit, it was a massive fireball that was seen several kilometres away! How could you possibly have survived?

Missed me by THAT much.

But, but…the prized Monday morning slot was finally mine! Nearly five years of planning, and you survived? That is purely…purely…

Inconceivable?

Exactly!

Camell, face it. You're nothing more than a bit player who nobody has ever heard of, created so that none of the 411 writers could take the credit for having killed the greatest Monday wrestling news reporter of all time, who will never be heard from again after you deliver the standard "recurring villain" pledge of vengeance.

Curse you, Randle! I will have my revenge some day!

Get out of my office. And somebody hit my theme music.

Monday July 28th, 2008

From 411Mania's Canadian offices in Waterloo, Ontario, this is the Wrestling News Experience, with Stephen Randle!



Good morning, everyone, and welcome, once again, to the Experience. I am Stephen Randle, and obviously, reports of my death have been highly exaggerated. In fact, after narrowly escaping assassination at the hands of my old nemesis Camell, I decided to lay low for a couple weeks, hoping that he would reveal himself. The best part about nearly being blown to smithereens, though, is that I avoided any and all spoilers about The Dark Knight, which I finally managed to see this weekend. And it was good. I could say more, but really, it'd just be different versions of that same statement, and judging by the box office numbers, you all already knew that anyway.

And with that, we resume your usual Monday dose of wrestling news and ripping off The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. That's right, it's never going away.

Moving on.

What's On Tap - WWE Raw for July 28th

This week, the big selling point is that Shane McMahon will be appearing on Raw, presumably to put a stop to all this madness and chaos that has resulted in some of the more interesting Raws of the past year and beyond. Well, we wouldn't want more of that, would we? Shane is pretty much expected to name a GM for Raw, to replace the long-fired William Regal, with the betting lines placing the best odds on the new GM being…William Regal. But hey, you never know.

Meanwhile, Kane is still wandering around holding his sack, and get your mind out of the gutter right now, because he's serious. Who is "he", and what's in the bag? And how does Kane actually shoot fire out of ringposts in the first place? This week, we might actually get some answers.

Plus, Santino and Beth Phoenix might be in love, Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels are definitely still in hate, and who will treat CM Punk like their personal bitch this week, on WWE Raw!

Around The Horn

Apparently WWE will be down-rating Smackdown to a TV-PG rating, which, if you're interested, mostly revolves around only allowing "suggestions" of things like blood, violence, sexuality, and dialogue instead of the TV-14 rating, which allows moderate to strong displays of all four. Gee, a show that will be limited to vague sexual innuendo and contains Triple H, I can't imagine how they'll fill promo time. A question arises, what of the Rated R Superstar, Edge? Will he likewise be down-ranked to Rated AA-14?

In case anyone was worried (for some reason, news like this seems to send people off on crazy tangents), Raw will remain at its current TV-14 rating. ECW, meanwhile, will remain unrated, because nobody at the FCC bothers watching it anyway.

I should be so ashamed at that easy cheap shot, but I'm not.

Meanwhile, for the first time in quite a long time, another Saturday Night's Main Event is being taped tonight prior to (one assumes) Raw. While the newest incarnation of the former NBC show has garnered a shadow of its former success, it appears that either Vince has compromising pictures of Dick Ebersol, or the network is just desperate for some original programming during the lean summer months. Then again, at least it'd still be better than anything Saturday Night Live has put on for the last few years. Seriously, how hasn't that show been mercy-killed yet?

And the president of The CW has come under fire for letting Smackdown, the only high-rated show on the perennial last-place network, leave for MyNetworkTV, and responded by claiming that Smackdown did not fit into the perceived "brand" of the network. I didn't know "crap" was considered a brand of network, but there you go. Quite honestly, it sounds like the same old dodge that Spike TV used to let Raw go a couple years back, claiming that it didn't fit with their programming, i.e. CSI reruns and police chase videos. Somebody should film all those executives who make careful statements to avoid saying "Pro wrestling is for idiots and we think we're better than it, no matter how high its ratings are", and make a "reality" show out of that. I bet Spike TV or The CW would pick it up for at least a mid-season replacement.

WWE Films has been renamed WWE Studios to reflect its change from creation of theatrical features to direct-to-DVD releases. Except for 12 Rounds with John Cena, which will be out in theatres next year. And some picture with the Big Show. And then, maybe something else, if they can think of something else that they can film for 10 million and re-coup all costs no matter how poorly it does at the box office. But really, they're only going to do DVDs from now on. Sort of.

In more usual news, WWE Raw continues to be the most time-shifted/DVR'd program on TV. I can't figure out what people are watching at 9 pm on Monday nights that they'd have to record Raw, but then, I'm still using a VCR to tape shows that I miss at work, so what do I know. Hey, can anybody spare fifty bucks so I can get that magical TIVO thing I've heard so much about?

And before I leave this segment, apparently TNA has decided to run an angle where they are currently pretending that Kaz has asked for (and received) his release from the company, due to his losing streak. Strangely, Kaz still appeared on Impact last week, during Karen Angle's new interview segment, and will be on Impact again this week with the second part of that interview. Hey, taking a talented wrestler that was getting over by wrestling great matches with top guys, then giving him a losing streak gimmick, and combine that with attempting to run a worked shoot on the Internet, home of the section of the fanbase that has never bought into a worked shoot in the history of worked shoots. Who's booking this show, again? I keep forgetting.

The Injury Bug Bites

Inactive List as of 07.21.08

WWE Raw

- Candice Michelle, out indefinitely as of March 24th (shoulder surgery)
- Melina, out indefinitely as of June 23rd (heel)
- Randy Orton, out 4-5 months as of June 1st (broken collarbone)
- Rory McAllister, out indefinitely as of February 12th (torn pectoral)
- William Regal, out 60 days as of May 20th (Wellness suspension)

WWE Smackdown

- Big Daddy V, out indefinitely (weight problem)
- Gregory Helms, out one year as of May 17th, 2007 (neck surgery)
- Kenny Dykstra, out indefinitely as of January 18th (knee)
- The Undertaker, out indefinitely as of June 1st (kayfabe, "banished")

ECW

- The Boogeyman, out indefinitely (calf)

TNA

- Moose, TNA, out 6 months as of July 7th (broken femur)
- Scott Steiner, TNA, out 4-6 months as of June 24th (torn ACL)

Transactions

- D'Lo Brown, RAW, returned to action on July 21st Raw

Who's Holding Gold

Something interesting I noticed this past week, with Miz & Morrison dropping the tag titles at the Bash, every single WWE title has changed hands at least once since WrestleMania. Who says nothing important happens between Mania and SummerSlam?

WWE

WWE Champion: Triple H
- 92 day reign, defeated Randy Orton in a Fatal Four-Way Elimination Match involving JBL and John Cena on April 27th (Backlash PPV)
- Next title defense: vs The Great Khali, SummerSlam PPV

World Heavyweight Champion: CM Punk
- 28 day reign, defeated Edge by using his Money in the Bank title shot on June 30th (Raw)

ECW Champion: Mark Henry
- 29 day reign, defeated Kane and The Big Show in a Triple Threat match on June 29th (Night of Champions PPV)
- Next title defense: vs Matt Hardy, SummerSlam PPV

WWE Intercontinental Champion: Kofi Kingston
- 29 day reign, defeated Chris Jericho on June 29th (Night of Champions PPV)

**NEW** WWE United States Champion: Shelton Benjamin
- 8 day reign, defeated Matt Hardy on July 20th (Great American Bash PPV)

World Tag Team Champions: Ted Dibiase & Cody Rhodes
- 15 day title reign, defeated Hardcore Holly & Cody Rhodes on June 29th (Night of Champions PPV)

**NEW** WWE Tag Team Champions: Curt Hawkins & Zach Ryder
- 8 day reign, won a Fatal Four-Way match featuring former champions The Miz & John Morrison, Jesse & Festus, and Finlay & Hornswoggle on July 20th (Great American Bash PPV)

WWE Women's Champion: Mickie James
- 105 day reign, defeated Beth Phoenix on April 14th (Raw)

**NEW** WWE Diva's Champion: Michelle McCool
- 8 day reign, defeated Natalya Neidhart on July 20th to win the newly-created title (Great American Bash PPV)

TNA

TNA Heavyweight Champion: Samoa Joe
- 106 day reign, defeated Kurt Angle on April 13th (Lockdown PPV)
- Next title defense: vs Booker T, Six Sides of Steel match, Hard Justice PPV

TNA Tag Team Champions: LAX
- 78 day reign, defeated Team 3D in the Deuces Wild Tournament to claim the vacant titles (Sacrifice PPV)

TNA X-Division Champion: Petey Williams
- 102 day reign, defeated "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal on April 17th (Impact), "Feast or Fired" briefcase stipulation

TNA Knockouts Champion: Taylor Wilde
- 18 day reign, defeated Awesome Kong on July 10th (Impact)

Links For Fun And Nonprofit

Wilcox and Prag have the weekend news reports.

Sforcina has Evolution Schematic.

Lansdell has The Un-Dream Match, or a transcription of his last bad acid trip, I'm not sure which.

The Triple Threat talks D'lo Brown, CM Punk, and Sting.

Ari has Column of Honor.

And Slimmer has Don't Think Twice.

And One To Go On

411 will have live coverage of Raw tonight starting at 9 pm EDT.

Remember, if you're in the Kitchener-Waterloo-Cambridge area, and you love Texas Hold 'Em Poker, or want to learn how to play in a friendly environment that's endorsed by your favourite Monday news reporter, check out Player's Poker League.

That's our show, a disappointed but not proven to be implicit (yet) Larry is in tomorrow, and I'll be back next week.

Have a good one, and always be a fan.