Truth B Told 8.07.08: Rock Bottomed Out

Posted by Bayani Domingo on 08.07.2008

Who is the most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment now? If you said Charlie Haas then you are....high. Or...Charlie Haas.


Little known fact about your ol' buddy B is that I have exactly 3 gym memberships. I have a 24 Hour Fitness (non-sport), an LA Fitness, then after I got my current job 20+ miles away from my apartment in Pasadena and started making some decent coin I joined the gym across from my work, Equinox Fitness. Let me just tell you that working out at Equinox compared to a 24 Hr Fitness (Active) club is like taking a Pussycat Doll to your prom instead of your cousin. Which really isn't the best analogy to make for my Southern readers, but it's good enough. Point is that Equinox is just swank all to be damned, the equipment is new, the facility is clean, they have a free towel service, free shampoos and shower gels, razors, shaving cream, lotions, toilet paper made of the finest silk, naked nubile young Japanese girls wiping down your brow on the cardio machines as they give you a reach around, you name it. But the best part of working out there is that the gym it's not very crowded and the people there are far better looking, a lot of trophy wives, model/actresses, and trust fund babies. But more importantly there are a good handful of "celebrities", one of which I recently met last week.

Last week when I was working out near "Porn Valley" around 9:30 in the morning before a business meeting in Camarillo I was floored when I saw my favorite wrestler of all-time doing squats by the free weights. I was walking up the stairs towards the machines and I happened to be passing by the dumbbells and I saw a tall guy with a huge "tribal" tattoo on his shoulder and a really short haircut. I said to myself, "Damn, that guy kinda looks like The Rock". As I walked by I could see his reflection in mirror and a Brahma Bull tattooed on his arm and said…"Holy SHIT, that IS The Rock". For the first time in probably 3 years I actually "marked out", not just "marked out", but "marked out" like I was R.Kelly at the Teen Choice Awards. But of course I was the only one really freaking out at the gym as everyone else was going about their business, either too cool to notice a "movie star" at the gym, or probably not giving a rat's ass. My inner geek was almost ashamed; luckily for me my inner geek has no shame…or chest hair.

I was totally amazed that my favorite wrestler was working out at the same gym as me, for some reason I would have assumed that Rocky would have had his own home gym or had some kind of private studio he worked out at, but I guess even celebs like to be out in public too from time to time. I didn't want to actually look like a goof in front of The Rock so I did the only thing a mature "successful" 30 year old man would do in that situation: I began text messaging anyone I knew who might give a damn that "The People's Champion" was doing Swiss ball curls a mere 15 feet from me. What? At least I didn't write a myspace bulletin. "Got a coffee this morning and blue berry muffin, it was delish :), feeling tired, brb I'm workin' next to Teh Rock, OMG, just changed my music to AFI so leave a comment if you like it, the muffin was extra : D, ROFL…". Sometimes myspace makes me want to go on a killing spree and blame it on The Jonas Brothers, you know…just to start shit. Those f*ckers are just skating by in life and they need a little shit thrown there way to keep them on the toes. They don't want to end up like the Hanson's do they? But I digress; the point was that for the first time in a long while I was really excited about just seeing a wrestler let alone having the opportunity to meet him.

I was debating for about 45 minutes whether or not I should go up to The Rock and just say "hi" and tell him I was a big fan, but a big part of me said not to bother the guy while he was working out. I figured the chances of running into him again in LA were decent and not look like a total dork by clumsily trying to introduce myself. I was actually hoping to avoid meeting the guy in the locker room because calling a guy "The Rock" in a men's locker room would just be extremely awkward, as well as possibly misleading. But as luck would have it on my way back to shower and change he was waiting by the women's locker room with his shades on apparently waiting for someone. Hopefully he was waiting for a "friend" and not a "target". Nothing is more disconcerting than meeting your favorite celeb prior to an assault or shooting. "The Rock says he left his wallet in the locker room and when The Rock came back this candy ass jabroni was dead."

I figured "what the hell" and asked him if he was "Dwayne Johnson" and he smiled and said "yes". The conversation lasted about 8 seconds as the only things he had to say were "thanks", "good seeing you", and "take care". He was grinning a huge grin the whole time and overall I was happy I met him. Too many times I hear people meeting a wrestler or celebrity and them being disappointed that they came off like such a**holes but at least I can cross off one person off my "gotta meet ‘em" list. Stacy Keiber and the Mayor McCheese are still hanging on however. I realized as I was driving to my meeting that I really miss The Rock. I don't just think it's me, I think it's clear a lot of fans do and that's why to this day there is still a very sore spot when you talk about whether or not The Rock turned his back on his fans or he just outgrew the business. In fact it seems like after Rocky left the wrestling business his absence had more of a profound affect on the WWE then any of us realized at the time.

If you remember a while back it seemed like everyone and their tag team partner was getting into acting or music. John Cena had just finished his debut rap album and was beginning work on his "Blockbuster Hit" The Marine. People were wondering if Cena would soon follow The Rock in leaving the "e" for Hollywood or the music biz. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on who you are, that was not the case. Even as recently as a few months ago Cena addressed the fact that he wouldn't leave the wrestling business he loved like The Rock did and some of us took that as a shot at "The Great One". Others looked at it as hypocritical because Cena wasn't really at the point where he had to make a decision between "Show Business" and wrestling because it was clear that although he did have some success with his CD he wasn't going to become a full time rapper any time soon and "The Marine" didn't exactly set box office records. Sure the film made up for the horrible ticket sales in DVD sales, but it didn't really change anyone's mind who had doubts that Cena was a legitimate film star. For now at least it seems like we aren't going to lose Cena to "tinsel town" because it seems clear the man will have much more success on "guest spots" than in "features". Still it must have worried at least a few of you. Then again it seems like "Wrestling Superstardom" doesn't always translate to "Movie Superstardom" and Cena wouldn't be the first guy to find out first hand.

Stone Cold did some guest spots on V.I.P., Mad TV, Nash Bridges, etc. After Stone Cold pretty much retired he also acted in his first feature film, The Condemned, and had a decent role in "The Longest Yard" remake. If you were one of the few people who watched The Condemned in the theaters than you know just how badly that film bombed at the box office, luckily for DVD sales it managed to not completely sink. For a man who was considered probably the second most popular wrestler in the history of the WWF, his popularity didn't really carry over to mainstream success. Still Austin's acting career has at the very least put him above many of his contemporaries. Even though you could argue that Undertaker, HHH, and HBK were also hugely popular, none of them have ever sniffed the kind of mainstream success of Rock or Austin. Not for lack of trying of course, how many times has HHH's name been mentioned for various movie roles in the past? Thor, He-Man, Conan, the part of Jesus in "Hamlet 2". Well he is the "King of Kings" after all…rock me sexy Jesus!! HBK has done Playgirl granted, but even the Undertaker hasn't been able to parlay his massive appeal in the wrestling world into anything more than a few bit parts. I've never even seen the guy in a commercial for Pete's sake. You're telling me that Sealy or Sit n' Sleep wouldn't want to hire him for a few commercials? "Rest….In… Peace….on a fabulous King Sized mattress with pillow top".

While other wrestlers like Mr. Kennedy, Christian Cage, Edge, Batista, Matt Morgan and others have had smaller roles in movies and TV it is clear that right now wrestlers are finding it hard to catch the same lightening in a bottle that The Rock had. For one thing the stigma of being a wrestler sticks with them. Even now The Rock goes by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and soon it will just be Dwayne Johnson. Another thing is that most wrestlers are chosen for their physique and with "Wellness" shrinking most of those physiques and more actors simply bulking up for action roles they aren't as necessary. While there are still possibilities for wrestlers to break into "show biz" it seems like it is more of a side job or a hobby than a true second option. Then again who knows if "Samurai Girl" is going to take off or not? Hmmm…every time I think of the phrase "Take off" and Stacy Keibler…all smiles.

Besides the impact of The Rock succeeding in Hollywood and the temporary disillusionment of wrestlers thinking they could follow in his food steps *coughmohammedhassancough* you have to look at the impact of what his absence on the mic has meant to the world of wrestling. There has been a serious talent deficit on the stick lately which is just now starting to be worked on. For as much as people laud Cena's promo skills there is just something so overly dramatized and "coached" about him that just doesn't always seem natural. Like he's either trying too hard or trying to emote too much intensity to seem like a natural babyface. As sad as it may be, there is a real possibility that since Rocky left the "e" the most entertaining guy in the entire company on the microphone is a goofy mid-card heel poised to challenge for the Women's Championship.

Of all of the icons of wrestling I think one of the handful of performers that could never truly be duplicated would be The Rock. It would take a wrestler with great charisma and mic skills to be able to fill his wrestling boots and in the past 5 or 6 years it seems like a lot of men have really failed to hold a crowd in the palm of their hands the way Rocky did. If you look at all of the men who have been able to reach that level of fan devotion you would have to look at John Cena. While Vince and the booking staff has tried to get Cena to become the next Stone Cold by constantly having him battle the "establishment", Cena was never truly the "anti-hero" that Austin was. Since he dropped his full rapper heel gimmick he has been the "do right" babyface who was always the "underdog". While Cena often got the "Hogan Push" he was not pushed as the smart ass, wise cracking, cocky bastard that The Rock was. The problem is that in general there are very few guys who possess a great level of charisma and comedic flair. While I can appreciate the efforts of the younger guys like MVP, Kennedy, Matt Striker, Elijah Burke, The Miz, and John Morrison to try and interject some humor into the characters, they all seem to come up short of the standard set before them. While I do enjoy the little one liners from Morrison from time to time I just don't feel like over an extended promo he can keep it all together. Same goes with Kennedy who just seems a bit forced. Really the problem with Santino being the funniest guy in the "e" at the moment is that he's more of a bumbling comedy character. He's not taken seriously and while there is a chance down the road he may find a decent level of success in the mid or upper mid-card it's hard to imagine that he'll be taken seriously as a main event guy. When you look back at the triad of Rocky, Angle, and Jericho it seems like the days of a "Comedy Bad Ass" seem to be long gone. Not to say that someone won't emerge, but it's going to take some time.

Hollywood still beckons to those wrestlers who feel like the have the looks and chops to succeed, although it seems realistic that it may be a long time till anyone else can successfully make the leap from grappler to thespian. While Hulk Hogan was the first to break down that barrier, he was never as big of a draw at the box office as Rocky was and still is. Thunder Lips be damned, but Mr. Nanny, Suburban Commando, and Surf Ninjas 3 surprisingly never launched the Hulkster into Hollywood Stardom. Let's just hope John Cena doesn't get a call for "Surf Ninjas 4: 5 Knuckle Scuffle". I do miss the days when the comedy came so naturally from the wrestlers instead of feeling so forced and scripted. Having to force comedy into situations using leprechauns and Vince's bare ass is just saddening to me. While I'm not holding my breath for another "comedy bad ass" to arrive on the scene any time soon I have come to appreciate the ridiculousness of Santino, the few gems from John Morrison, and the far off hope that one day we'll see Colt Cabana hamming it up on my TV screen. Makes me want to catch up on my DVD sets now. If you can smell, what the B is cooking. Toaster strudels...you know, in case you were curious.

The Truth

Don't call it a "man crush" but I didn't realize how much I missed The Rock till I met him in person. He was far from an amazing mat technician, he didn't have the greatest Win-Loss records during his tenure, he wasn't even the most popular wrestler in the "e" even at his peak, but he was my favorite wrestler because he embodied everything I wish I could have been when I was growing up. Plus for me I just thought he was the funniest wrestler in the WWF and that's what really made me gravitate to his character. There was just a certain "cool" mixed with humor about the guy that has yet to be duplicated. But you know, I guess that's what they make Boxed DVD sets for right?

Coming Up Short

Wow, how horrible did "Fat Cat" Chris Harris…I mean Braden Walker look on ECW? The guy just looks a total mess. He's fat, out of shape, he looked sluggish, and I was afraid he was going to drop Curtis on his head on his first vertical suplex attempt after he kept shaking uncontrollably just to keep him up. Seriously, it was like Amy Winehouse during an interview. Considering that so far the "ECW New Talent Initiative" has brought 3 guys to the table (unless of course you count Matt Striker as a potential new Color Man and you really could because he is truly a diamond in the rough) and only Sydal really even looked motivated and ready I'm hoping that it isn't long before Colt Cabana finally gets a shot on TV. If you're telling me that Ricky Ortiz was more ready for a shot in the Big Leagues than Colt was then you are seriously kidding yourself. While I see a lot of potential for guys in ECW, I'm hoping that somehow they manage to make the next "New Talent' they initiate a "Real Talent". When you look at this year's crop as compared to past years where Lashley, Kennedy, and MVP debuted I fear that Teddy Long's "New Talent Initiative" may end up coming up way short of years past.

6 Degrees of…



Brent Albright just became the new NWA World Heavyweight Champion, which was once considered THE most important belt in all of wrestling. Now a day it is somewhere between the RoH title and the WSX one. Oh well, let's go with the NWA theme and link the "Shooter" to another man who had strong ties to the N.W.A...



Eazy E. I wonder if Albright would ever consider changing his entrance music to "Gimme Dat Nut"?

Whatchu talkin' bout readers?

Here's a little nugget of bile from thecubsfan from last week's column. I guess being a Cubs Fan will make you a little punchy:

I was going to point this as a comment, but it was too long and I figured it'd just get pulled anyway. I'm not really interested in a reply - if google news tricked me into reading what you wrote, the least I can do is do the same to you, but I don't need more than that.

----

Somehow, this was actually worse than last week's. I don't know if anyone cared if you LIKE lucha libre, the problem was you were talking about both the history of lucha libre and present day lucha libre while getting so much wrong. You didn't know what you were talking about and instead of spending some time asking people what you were
missing, you talk about yourself for paragraphs on end.

Dumb things you wrote, this time:

"So there was really only two roads for me to go: Indy or Telemundo. "

There's never been a lucha show on Telemundo. Also, you know you can buy wrestling on DVD now? It's great!

"I will just never be a Lucha Libre expert unless I can a) speak the language and understand exactly what is going on and b) go down to Mexico on a regular basis to see the matches live. I know I'll get some crap here from people who may claim that you don't need to do either to be an "expert" but I just would not consider myself an
expert on the subject otherwise"

You know you'll get crap because you know that's dumb and an easy way to side step complaints, and you're an expert on promtoions like PWG without going to every single show they run. But, hey, let's pretend you've got his one right. Does it really talk an expert to figure out who Dark Cuervo is? His wikipedia profile sure seems to be the first
search result on google, and I believe they let non-experts use it.

"I've been to PWG shows that do feature a good number of local wrestlers who have been trained in some manner of lucha-like wrestling if not the real thing,"

not the real thing.

"We're talking fat and out of shape middle aged men or rail thin teenage kids wearing Lucha masks and face paint jumping around every where like they were in a moon bounce pulling off 199 armdrags and botching every possible move they've ever seen on Galavision very poorly."

Which is the same as you get at plenty of non-lucha indies, just without the masks.

"For the most part if I am watching Lucha I'm watching AAA because I can't seem to always get Galavision and their timing for CMLL shows seem to jump around. I've still yet to see the touted Mistico in action."

You're going to be waiting a loooooooong time to see Mistico on Galavision, since CMLL hasn't been on that channel in half a decade. I'm not even sure if you mean to reference FSE here; I don't want to get into debating grammar because I put together plenty of ill considered sentences, but I don't know if you're confused or wrong here.

"I think in many ways the products that were spawned from Lucha Libre like the Japanese and American Indies that don't utilize either "Old School NWA/AWA" or "Strong Style" wrestling has surpassed AAA and CMLL in terms of the speed, crispness, innovation, and over all execution of the moves that they inspired."

Japanese and US indies are doing a Tiger Mask/NJPW Juniors style. There's flavors of lucha libre thrown in for appearance, but they're not doing lucha liibre.

"A match isn't a **** match if the Technico doesn't win and no one cheers for the Rudos. "

You might want to watch a Perros del Mal match sometime. Or perhaps a Mistico match in Arena Mexico.

"the WWE trying to sign guys like Dos Caras Jr and Mistico they seem to always fall short."

I have no idea what you're saying here. The wrestlers falling short wouldn't make sense, since it's Dos and Mistico who rejected the WWE deals they were offered.

"But until recently a title belt really wasn't the focus of wrestling in Mexico"

AAA's heavyweight title means more, yes, but every single other belt has meant a lot more in the past and still does.

"it was about "feuds" and "honor", something that is probably less subjective than a title belt now a days"

Well, winning masks is pretty subjective. Drawing houses, pretty subjective.

Do everyone a favor. Don't reply to this, don't do another follow up column where you miss the point again and get even more stuff wrong, just go back to writing about whatever you actually like and know about it. You've dug yourself enough of a hole here, there's no point in digging any more.

I'm too lazy to go exactly point by point on this guy's response this week but to touch on a couple things I'll just list a few responses:

a) Not sure if he meant a direct response to him or whether he meant don't respond to his e-mail in my column this week. Hope he meant a direct response because if not…oops…too late.
b) I didn't mean Telemundo had an Indy show, I meant I could watch Lucha on TV or go to an Indy show around SoCal that would employ such wrestlers. Plus…who buys DVDs now when youtube is free? Hell, even buying porno is obsolete.
c) Actually I'm an expert on PWG BECAUSE I go to pretty much every show. I've missed like 2 or 3 in the span of 4 years. Plus looking up shit in Wiki does not make you an expert on anything. It's like saying you're sexual stud because you've read the Kama Sutra. Plus, I still stand by my assertion that Dark Cuervo is best served with Coke and a twist of lime.
d) I actually don't know which channel I've seen CMLL on now that I think about it so you may be right and it might have been on a Fox Sports network. Touche'.
e) Like I said before a good amount of Indy/Puro stuff is based on aspects of Lucha Libre, they clearly aren't wrestling the full blown Lucha style, but you can definitely see some influence. Hell, Hayabusa is probably a great example of how the "Junior Heavyweight" style in Japan has been directly influenced from Mexico.
f) Doesn't matter who rejected who, point is that the WWE hasn't brought over any Lucha talent in a while. Unless you count Masked Charlie Haas. Okay…maybe not.

To kind of sum it all up, I don't necessarily write columns based on responding to comments and I wouldn't do a follow-up to a follow-up, but the point was that I just decided to do a column based on trying to figure out if I was just being prejudiced against Lucha Libre because I had seen so much bad fake Lucha that I figured it was worthless. In the end…I'm not sure. I'll still watch what I can on TV when I have time, but at least I have a better sense of it now consider that I actually did take the time a week ago to visit various sites about Lucha Libre. Surprisingly one was in fact Wiki…holy shit…that makes me an expert now. Ah, just kidding. The Internet is a strange place where ideas and opinions are thrown around freely so it's good to see people so passionate about their Lucha. Whether I agree or not. But seriously, if anyone wants to give me pointers on a really good FREE source to learn more about Lucha, drop me an e-mail. In the meantime I'll be enjoying my Dark Cuervo and Coke.

WWE missed the mark (pun intended) early in Cena's career by not marketing D'S NUTS.

Hey Bayani, how about a comparison of Mexican versus Puerto Rican wrestling? Perhaps looking at how, though culturally similar fans, wrestling has evolved into very different styles in those regions. Kinda like comparing Southern vs. Northern wrestling in the US, relative to the demographic of the immediate population.

Oh, and the Asian chick can definitely 'eat people's meat.' 'Jesikah' looks like she's about to pleasure herself with an enormous sexual toy. Zoiks!

Posted By: trueindeed

I honestly know jack shit about Puerto Rican wrestling. It would require quite a bit of time to research…or you know…access to wiki I guess. Maybe at some point but I know we do have a guy who reviews IWA in Puerto Rico so maybe Armando Rodriguez would be a better guy to do that. Oh and I believe the proper term is ZOINKS!!

**edit**

6 Degrees Results

So I guess no one is a big Dos Caras fan? Maybe it's Eckhart.

Left Overs…

I was looking for a good Cena/Batista tag team name all of Monday, the bet I could come up with was: I want to FU like an Animal. Yeah, that name brings me closer to God.

So Sicodelico Jr. and Dos Caras Jr. haven't quite put their Juan Hancocks on a WWE contract yet. I hear they are going to be pushed based on their "Unique" movesets and wrestling styles. I can't wait to hear JR calling their first match, "They're not just unorthodox, they're undocumented".

So a really racist thought just occurred to me as to why I've never seen a Lucha Libre Battle Royal before…how do you convince those guys that the goal ISN'T to jump over the top to escape?

I also recently heard a rumor that the "e" is looking to copyright two names just in case they are able to sign these guys. They'll be known as the Nosay brothers: Todavio and Saber.

Looks like Ric Flair was let out of his contract by the WWE so that he could pursue "other ventures". I hear his first gig is doing a commercial for Washington Mutual. "You gotta sweet, you gotta bleed, you gotta PAY THE PRICE…but not for checking…WaMu and the NATCHA BOY are going to make you feel the Woooo…the WOOOO…the WOOO HOO!!"

So does anyone else realize that Ron Killings is just rehashing that old "Make a Difference" Fatu gimmick prior to him becoming Rikishi? Next thing you know he'll be wrestling under a mask and going by the name: The Swami. Then of course his popular turn as the thong wearing hip hop dancer known as RonKishi. What's up?!?!

Brett Favre is a douchebag. Just felt like I had to include that in a column one of these days. The guy retires, then decides he wants to play again and then the drama queen comes back expecting to be the man again after the Packers make all these plans after he stepped down. Granted he's still a hell of a quarterback, but still. I tell ya, there is NO WAY that kind of a flippant attitude towards retirement would fly in the world of wrestling. Right?

Brock Lesnar is taking on Heath Herring in the UFC this weekend. Which…sound like the most disgusting candy bar ever made. Just one place that Toffee was not made to go.

Brent Albright being the new NWA World Heavyweight Champion is kind of like if the Grammy's started giving out an award for "Best Disco Single". I have all the respect in the world for what the NWA has meant to wrestling, but it has been quite a while since they've been a really formidable organization. Then again seeing Clay Aiken win an award for his remake of "Dancing Queen" would be pretty swank.

LAX splitting up? So far it's just a rumor but they are considering having a female wrestler come in to break up "La Raza", her name is going to be Aya Ness. Typical.

Why was William Regal wearing Sasha Cohen's outfit from her "short program" at the last Olympics? No word as to whether he'll be changing the name of his finisher from the "Regal Stretch" to the "Toe Pick". Although a swank new Regal T-shirt that said, "You're Skating on Thin Ice, Sunshine" would totally rock my world.

Sharkboy was announced for the TNA Impact game last week. Kind of pointless though, adding guys like Sharky and Johnny Devine to the game is like having to wrestle a Koopa and Foot Solider before you get to the big bosses. Now if they have a WINGED Sharkboy in the later stages of the game, that in fact would be swank.

The Great Booty Debate 2008

So we're nearing the end of the contest and while there hasn't been a clear winner it looks like the Latinas hold the slightest of leads. Is it true that wrestling fans prefer the curvy Latinas over the petite Asians? I don't know about that but it's clear that the badunkadunk is a clear difference maker. So going into the home stretch we have former Playboy Playmate Maya Sakura and Playboy Cyber Girl of the Year Jo Garcia:

Random Asian Bitch Lookin' Good Pic of the Week



Oh Maya...

Random Latina Bitch Lookin' Good Pic of the Week



Not your average Jo

Pimpin' In High Places

Here's some columns which include much less objectification of women than this one. Yeah, don't hold it against them though:

Ask 411

JT

Livingston I presume.

Cookery

CoH

4RoH's

J-Weezy

D-Dubya

There is something weird, almost disturbing about Chris Jericho wearing the wrestling briefs now. Not sure if it makes him more "heel" to show a little thigh, but it just kind of makes me uneasy. I also realized that it seems like HBK's entrance music has to be the longest running entrance music of any active wrestler. Everyone else seems to get a tweak or a different theme from time to time, HHH uses a new Motorhead song every few years, Undertaker used Limp Bizkit during his BikerTaker days, and I can't imagine anyone else who has gone as long with the same music. I wonder if HBK will retire with the same music or give into the fad of having popular bands remake your song. Nothing says, "Heart Break Kid" like the Jonas Brothers singing you to the ring. Hey, with his current injury, "When you look me in the (good) eye" may be just what he needs to pump him up before a match.

Till then, the Truth will set you free.
-B