Lansdell's Sunday Brunch News Report 08.17.08

Posted by Chris Lansdell on 08.17.2008

More releases, Foley's future, Orton's Magic Harley Ride and some wrestling nostalgia. Plus, the return of the Rant!

Greetings, humanity! Welcome to Lansdell's Sunday Brunch, which you almost didn't get this week. Sorry to disappoint! However, I have FINALLY seen The Dark Knight, and I'm here to tell you that Christian Bale almost ruined the movie for me. At times his voice sounded like a Pinto trying to start on a February morning, and it annoyed me. Heath Ledger totally redeemed the movie though. Down to the licking his lips constantly to sell the effect of the scars, he had the mannerisms of a psychopath down to a tee.

SHOUT OUTS to JT, Meehan, the family Csonka, Patient Zero~! and the Barbados Olympic Team.

BANNER!

A new segment for my weekly rant. This week: thieves. 411mania is often recognised as an innovator in wrestling columns on the internet. One of our longest-running and most popular innovations is the brainchild of JP Prag and James "JT" Thomlison, the Hidden Highlights. As a three-time, three-time, THREE-TIME HH guest host, I can tell you that writing this column for even two shows is NOT easy. I often had to rewatch and rewatch the shows to find the little things, and it takes training the eye to see them. That said, it's tremendously popular and renowned for being a rare beacon of positivity in the quagmire of stitch-n-bitch that consists of the majority of markboards out there. So when one of those two-bit, ad-infested markboards stole the HH concept this week, not two days after JP was warned it would happen...the staff here got pissed. 411 is a family, and we defend our own.

You know who you are, thieves. You wouldn't know an original idea if it bit you on your amply cushioned buttocks. Of course for that to happen, you'd have to crowbar said buttocks out of the swivel chair in your mom's basement. You didn't even do a GOOD job of stealing it... the four people (I refuse to use the term ‘writers') perpetrating this joke couldn't come close to holding JP's dirty jock. And not a new jock, that old one that sits at the bottom of your gear bag, that you never wear because it smells rank and has that stain from that one time you faced a 90mph fireballer and you forgot your cup at home, but you can't throw it out because you wore it that other time you went 3-4 with 2 homers. You want something to steal, we're done with Westerfeld.

Jim Cornette described you perfectly. I suppose we shouldn't blame you, though. If our readership was down almost 70% in the last year, we'd be pretty desperate too. But then, that won't happen, because we actually have good writers, with original ideas, and we don't publish news that we got from Jeff H's garbage man who used to work with the brother-in-law of the babysitter for the receptionist of Vince McMahon's window cleaner's dentist. Ain't nothing like the real thing, baby. Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but you Pathetic Witless Trolls don't qualify as imitation. Get thee hence.

End rant.

The Spread~!

Foley to TNA?

More WWE releases!

The Week in Links!

Orton injured…again?

Random Video Interlude!

Wrestling Nostalgia – Stuff I miss

Espresso Shots!

Fun with Interviews

SummerSlam Preview!





Retiring to Florida?
Foley could be heading south for the winter of his career, but is TNA-Foley a good match?

Well this should surprise no-one. After news broke last week that Foley and WWE were parting ways, it didn't take long for the TNA rumours to surface. Foley feels he has more to give in the ring, and TNA are never slow to jump on a known name who becomes available. Reportedly Mick would be interested in a Sting-type deal where he works a limited number of shows on a per-appearance pay basis, and TNA have expressed interest also. The question now becomes "Can Foley do what Christian, Sting, Angle and Booker have failed to do?"

Mick has deteriorated considerably over the past few years in terms of ability to put on a match, but he can still take the big bumps. Combine this with his awesome mic work and his name value, and you get a guy who can put your young guys over and have it mean something. He had a few confrontations with Samoa Joe in ROH, so there's one feud to start you off. Hernandez stands to benefit greatly from a run against Mick. People like Matt Morgan, Robert Roode, James Storm and Jay Lethal are just a few steps below being seen as credible threats to titles, and could be pushed over the edge by winning a feud with a name like Foley.

My concern comes from TNA's track record in this sort of situation. In Booker T and to a lesser extent Kurt Angle they have already had 2 perfect opportunities to try this method, and each time they have had the veterans going over the young guys. Only now, with Joe beating Booker and AJ beating Angle, are we seeing a change in that. The only person that has truly been elevated by either of these guys is Kaz, and he's been relegated again just as fast. I don't WANT to see Foley-Booker, Foley-Jarrett, Foley-Angle or Foley-Sting, but I fear that Russo and company won't be long in setting it up. I also have this paranoia that he's going to have Foley win the title on Impact, in the hope that Vince pulls a Bischoff and announces it. If this is managed well Foley can help improve some of the young talent in TNA, particularly with their mic skills, but it also has the potential to explode in a shower of…

WWE Outlet Store now open for TNA Shoppers!
6 more cut from WWE in the annual trim, plus 3 development talents

Well, that didn't take long. I had a feeling last week that more cuts were coming, but the more notable thing about this announcement is the names that were NOT on the list. Let's see who's gone.

The Highlanders: So much for a revival of tag teams in WWE. This was in the cards since one got injured and the other (HE'S ROBBY!) was caught on camera at Impact. Not a huge loss, I was never a fan of their in-ring work although their vignettes and backstage stuff was amusing. It would be fun if TNA refuses to sign them. Indies, here they come.
Ref Wes Adams: Two refs gone? Maybe they were threatening to go on strike again?
Colin Delaney: This surprises me. If anything, WWE did it to themselves by turning him heel for no reason in a situation where he could not possibly succeed. If turning him heel had to be done, he could have feuding with Super Crazy and Evan Bourne to at least get a win or two under his belt. Ah well, I'm sure Quack and the gang in CHIKARA will be glad to have him back.
Cherry: Wow. I would dearly love to know what she did wrong. OK so she's not your stereotypical Diva, but she can go in the ring, was fairly over and had a good little character built up. Why you would keep a useless talentless twit like Lena Yada or Eve Torres over Cherry is beyond my comprehension.
Stevie Richards: Nooooo! The Stevie-T! The Stevieplex! The Stevie Kick! Big Stevie Cool!Another big surprise, although I suppose it shouldn't be. Stevie overcame serious surgery on his throat to come back and compete in the WWE, and now his active career could well be over. I'm surprised they didn't keep him on in a capacity similar to that of Val Venis – evaluator of new talent. He may yet catch on as a trainer or road agent either in WWE or FCW.

And now, who should be pulling the jar of four-leafed clovers out of their tights:

Funaki: Once every couple of months, we're reminded that Funaki still has a job. He's very talented and has been over in the past, but for some reason he just never gets used. Every time in the last few years that WWE has started one of these fire sales, Funaki's name is floated around. He's still here. I'd like to think it's his talent that keeps him employed.
Hardcore Holly: With his age, lack of creative direction, backstage heat, injury list and the fact that he's not exactly seen as a corporate man, the vultures have been circling around Bobcore's head with napkins around their necks and cutlery in their claws for a few weeks now. I'd like to say his talent is keeping him employed, but I'm not a liar.
Super Crazy: He is super! He is crazy! He is fond of deep-fried ice cream! I can only presume he's being kept around for the Latino audience, but with WWE out lucha shopping his time may be growing short. Good thing too, he looks about ready to eat Evan Bourne.

You have to wonder why WWE are freeing up all this cash. A round of call-ups? Recouping some costs from the FCW start-up? New ass buffer pads? Rhinoplasty?


The Week In Links
After all, what's a Sunday brunch without the paper?

The shows
Just like a TV Guide that's a week old

Dunn's RAWtopsy
Bauer's ECW Report
Csonka Csonka Burning Love's Impact Report
Michael O's Smackdown Report.

Required Reading
Best of the week's editorials

I got a big kick out of JP and Small go to White Castle, which is not the name of this column but it should be.
Wilcox looks at life after Michaels and Taker, also known as April, 2009.
The last two guys I replaced face off in Buy or Sell.



Touchdown Orton!
A week after reports surfaced that Orton was on his way back, he is reinjured...or is he?

Randy Orton posted the following to his "MySpace", whatever that is. Darn kids with their rock music and their cutting and their emo. GETOFFA MY LAWN!

i was ran off the road last night at 1030 by a car that had its hi beams on and was veering into m lane during a sharp turn a the top of a hill near my home. i had no choice but to crash, and was thrown 300 feet from the concrete block that sent me flying. i was travelling about 30 miles per hour. i'm lucky to be alive. i have some pretty severe skinned up areas such as my left knee right foot, and left shoulder trap. wwe. com should be posting that it wasn't 30 feet but 300 soon. i just called and bitched em out, for the typo. i was wearing a helmet, and if not for that i would have without a doubt been a goner. i see what the extent of my rebroken collarbone is tommorow. ill let you all know. the bike was a harley fat bob, and it was a rental. it is totaled.im happy im alive, and that the bike wasn't mine. all i could think about was my daughter and samantha. God was definetly watching over me!!

rko

Wow. Spell check just exploded.

Where to start? For those of my readers who use the metric system, 300 feet is 100 yards, just over 90 metres, or the length of an American football field. 30Mph is about 50kph. Yeah, I'm not buying those numbers either. He's either trying to cover that he was speeding, or exaggerate the distance to work the readers. Although this injury could be real, there are just too many coincidences. A week after news broke that he could be back or SummerSlam? With numbers that don't add up? Vince has always enjoyed pulling the wool over the IWC's eyes. He did it with Cena at the Rumble, and if he is doing it here, using our own medium against us, you'll hear him laughing all the way to the bank. Orton costing someone a match at SummerSlam seems likely to me, with HHH being a prime target. There's a dearth of main event heels on SmackDown, and moving Orton over could be just what's needed.

In the event that it's not a work, Orton is right that the helmet saved his life. Lucky for him that he was smart enough to wear one. Speedy recovery, Randall. Why not take the opportunity to investigate some English classes?

Random Video Interlude!

Had to be done. But I also had to bring you this amazing bonus interlude.



Great counter AND funny Japanese commentary. Epic win.



Take Me Back, Back to the rocking horse
Looking back on things you just don't see nowadays

My recent interview with JT reminded me that I have been watching wrestling now for 20 years. What better time to look back on some of the things I really enjoyed over the years that plain don't happen now? This is just a partial list, a full one would need a whole column to itself. Hmmm...

Surprise appearances With the exception of Cena's return at the Rumble this year, when was the last time you were truly shocked by someone showing up at a PPV or on TV? A lot of that has to do with the internet and its ravenous appetite for news scoops. If someone is backstage at Raw or on a PPV, or someone signs with TNA or WWE, it's online in minutes. It's good for people who hate being out of the loop, but there are no surprises any more.
Tag teams with names and teamwork Tag teams in general are a dying breed, and even some of the better ones in the past few years (Styles and Daniels, Edge and Christian, Cade and Murdoch, Miz and Morrison) never got official names from their promotions. Double-team moves and finishers are a bit more common, but they should be the rule rather than the exception. Otherwise it's just "two singles guys on a team". The tag team champs should beat the world champ and #1 contender 8 times out of 10, because of superior communication and teamwork.
And...NUUUUUUUUUUUUU World Wrestling Federation Champion... Finkel was the man, and nothing sounds right without his voice. So you want Lillian on Raw for the pervs, OK. Smackdown, ECW and PPVs are all still there.
Varied movesets Take any 5 guys around the same weight. Take away their finisher and 2-3 other moves. All 5 guys just became interchangeable in terms of moveset. Thanks, Vince. It's his theory that fans will identify better with a guy if he only has 3 or 4 moves, since they will become "his" moves. Why is it so hard to have some guys be suplex specialists, some be impact guys, some be submission guys? On a related strain, what happened to guys targeting the area of the body that their finisher hit?
Commentators calling moves Something else Vince has to answer for. Viewers don't care if it's a power bomb or a power drill, allegedly. We'd rather hear the story behind the match. Didn't they used to be able to do both?
Being able to switch the channel on a Monday night Hogan promo on Nitro? SWITCH. Taker's entrance on Raw? SWITCH! Commercials? SWITCH. TNA could put Impact opposite Raw at this point and I doubt the ratings for either show would change much.





One-line looks at minor news

Sid may be coming back to WWE - Softball season must be over
Matt Morgan to send his DNA to space - It was last seen in a helix-shaped orbit around Planet STASIAK
Chris Jericho to host a new show on FUSE - Shame to Fame episode 4 : ARM-BAR
CM Punk is not allowed to wear street clothes on air, because he wouldn't look like CM Punk - Full-body chipmunk suits will do that to a person.
Hulk and Linda… NEXT!
SI had a YouTube video on their site featuring the top 30 WWE finishers - Benoit was on it twice. SI Editors fail.
Colt Cabana debuted on Smackdown as Scotty Goldman - It could have been far, FAR worse.
TNA flashed viral ads for their Impact video game during Impact - Aren't they normally better when people see them?



Interview time!
Saturdays before PPVs mean interviews, and we had a lot this weekend

I love it when wrestlers talk to papers and websites, because more often than not they end up letting something out that gives me something to write about. For example, Triple H in the Ottawa Sun mentioned that even with all the young guys currently coming up through the WWE system and all the older guys that are around in the locker room, they still had to make it mandatory to show up to events early and train under people like Arn Anderson, Ricky Steamboat and Michael Hayes. HUH??? This makes no sense to me. As HHH says, he got where he is by hanging around the arenas every waking moment, sponging up every bit of information about the business that he could. Why anyone in the business would not want to do the same just boggles my mind, especially when it is widely known that HHH did it and would undoubtedly have a lot of time for someone following his path. It's not like Vince has another daughter. There was a similar statement made a few months back when Ric Flair brought the NWA title to a Raw show and only half the locker room seemed interested in seeing a piece of history. HHH goes on to say that people bitch about being in the company for 5 years and not going anywhere, to which he replies that they are doing everything the same now as they did then, so why would their spot improve if they haven't. I can't help but think this was in reference to Shelton Benjamin, who debuted at the end of 2002 and has never really moved up the card.

Randy Orton did an audio interview with the Sun in the UK. Apart from such interesting tidbits as where he got his daughter's name (Finlay's daughter has the same name), never going back to being a face, how he uses the chinlock specifically because the IWC hates it and how many people he has kicked in the head a little too hard, we heard that he was cleared for return to the ring (the interview was done before the "accident"), would be able to do a run-in at SummerSlam but not have a match and mentioned that he had taken up motorcycle riding. FORESHADOWING~! He addressed the behavioural problems he had in the past, saying that WWE had split the cost of anger management classes with him. Apparently these classes helped him realise he had a narcissistic attitude. I thought that was Lex Luger? Randy put over Taker, Flair, HBK and of course HHH as being big helpers in realising that he was wasting so much talent by being a dick, and Taker as being the best in WWE right now and the true locker room leader, but then attacked Test and Brother Ray Dudley as being horrible. Orton blamed Dudley for breaking his foot and said he was careless in the ring and had no work ethic. Test never game him any offence when he was coming up and did his best to keep Orton down.

Orton came across as knowledgeable, a touch egotistical but a bit more mature and very personable with the interviewer. Not at all like I would have expected.



The meh-est blockbuster of the summer, previewed.
SummerSlam is tonight, and the card is as exciting as a Rey Misterio promo

Normally, SummerSlam is heralded as the second-biggest pay per view of the year, with a card to match, This year, not so much. Although it had no hope of coming close to this year's Mania, the card could have been so much better. For one, the two biggest matches (Edge-Taker HiaC and Cena-Batista) are not title matches. Hell in a Cell is almost certain to go on last, and it would not surprise me in the slightest to see Cena-Batista right before that (if it happens, and I'm still not sure it will). When was the last time two non-title matches ended a PPV? I bet that Ask411 guy would know. You could argue that the highest-profile matches at No Way Out were non-title, but they didn't go on last. When you add in the facts that nobody in their right mind (thereby excluding Small) expects Khali to win, Michaels and Jericho are not on the card AND the epic-fail-in-waiting of the Winner Take All tag… Anyway, let's break it down, with the Logic Tree.

Edge vs Undertaker – Hell…IN A CELL!!!1!!eleventy!

If Edge wins: He goes right back into the title picture and makes Vickie look stupid and Taker look bad. Barring any extracurricular activities, Taker is left floundering with no obvious feud.
If Undertaker wins: He gets a measure of revenge on Edge, the feud ends fairly evenly and Vickie isn't left in a position where she should probably fire Taker. We're still left with two heels feuding and an uber face stuck in the middle.
Therefore: Taker wins, Edge feuds with Chavo and Taker goes after the belt. Again.

John Cena vs Batista – First Time Ever (but not really)

If Cena wins: We riot. No, not really. This is pretty much a number 1 contender match, so a Cena win will result in Batista costing him the match against the champ with a beatdown. Batista turns heel and the feud continues.
If Batista wins: Cena looks even more like a chump, having taken the beatings when they won the tag titles and taken the pin when they lost them . We still get the Batista heel turn, either post-match where he shuns a handshake with Cena to obliterate him, or after losing to Punk on a quick rollup and snapping. I'm also not prepared to totally write off the possibility of a Cena heel turn should he lose. He looked like the boos were starting to get to him on Monday.
Therefore: Cena wins. I'd be fine with either result, but I like the Batista heel turn better if he doesn't have to lose yet another title match to do it.

Triple H vs The Great Khali – WWE Championship

If Triple H wins: The sheer weight of "Well DUH" may throw the earth out of its orbit. With Big Show currently doing nothing, the winner of Edge-Taker needing a feud, and then the eventual winner of the MVP-Jeff Hardy feud deserving a shot, Triple H has a stack of contenders waiting. Oh, Umaga too I guess.
If Khali wins: Someone is going to have to revive Small. It will likely be due to Orton-ference if it does happen. Yes, I know Orton's on Raw. When has that ever mattered? Giving Khali the title again seems unlikely, despite his huge following, and with the match not going last a DQ finish would work.
Therefore: Khali wins, but by DQ due to Orton-ference.

CM Punk vs JBL – World Heavyweight Championship
If CM Punk wins: I will be very, VERY happy. He can slide over to feud with Jericho briefly if Michaels is out for a while, or he can get Cena for a bit. JBL can move to someone else who needs putting over, like Kofi Kingston.
If JBL wins: Punk goes to the midcard for a while. JBL gets his shot to show he can beat Cena for a belt, but from there he has a lack of challengers. Nobody wants to see Michaels-JBL, Batista will be turning (or Cena will), and I can't see Orton returning as a face.
Therefore: CM Punk wins.

Jeff Hardy vs MVP – Grudge match

If Jeff wins: MVP's push stalls out again. Jeff will get that title shot against HHH that we've all been waiting for, and that he will lose because there is no way Vince is ready to trust this guy yet.
If MVP wins: The feud goes on, which would be a good thing. Hardy will get the next win, but ultimately MVP comes out on top in the feud. Jeff can afford a loss more than MVP can. I can also see this feud ending in an MVP face turn.
Therefore: MVP wins, clean.

Kofi Kingston © and Mickie James © vs Glamarella – Winner Takes All match

If Jamaican Me Horse wins: It will be Santino taking the fall and Mickie getting the pin, leading to more hilarity with Beth slapping Santino. We'll then see some singles matches, including Kofi vs Beth I feel, before at least one of the heels gets the win.
If Glamarella wins: It will be Santino pinning Mickie. He celebrates thinking he won the IC title, but he gets the title of the person he pinned, making him woman's champion. Hilarity ensues as he defends the belt a couple of times before being made to face Beth.
Therefore: Glamarella wins, Santino is the woman's champ, Beth the IC champ. They hinted at this with Santino picturing it in Adamle's office a couple of weeks ago, and with the angle he's in of getting beaten by women, it fits nicely.

Nothing really in the Tip Jar this week, so we'll skip it. We'll have live SummerSlam coverage tonight, along with Slimmer, Small, Wilcox and myself bringing you the Instant Access at the end of the show. Stay cool, humanity. Randle is NOT in tomorrow, but I bet you can guess who is. No, not me. Not Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart either.

Lansdellicious – Out.