Lansdell's Sunday Brunch News Report 09.07.08

Posted by Chris Lansdell on 09.07.2008

Lots of talk about Unforgiven and the Scrambles, whether Foley matters to TNA and my wish list! Oh, and I manage to somehow quote Elvis and Mr T in the same column. That takes skill.

Greetings, humanity! Welcome to Lansdell's Sunday Brunch, now a nutritious part of a complete, um, brunch. I'm Chris Lansdell and I'm a night elf Mohawk. Apparently some professional sport started their season this week and has a ton of games today. Since it is neither the NBA nor football, I say thee "Meh." Get back to me when you don't need 80 pounds of padding to play rugby with forward passes.

Fairly quiet week news-wise, but we have a PPV to preview and the news we do have is quite LOL-worthy. There's also something I really need to vent about.



In the recent past I have explained why I thought TNA were treading dangerous ground with Sheik Abdul Bashir. It was a potential disaster, I said. It needs to be handled with subtlety, I said. I also said that Vince Russo was not exactly known for his subtlety. My fear was that they would fall into the trap WWE did: start off with an idea that is strong, an Arab American being mistreated because he is of Arabian descent, and then turn it into a quasi-terrorist angle. DING we have a winner! Tell him what he's won, Frank!

Frank: A brand new shiny bowl of hate!

Yippee. Disgust and anger, come on down. The vignettes started innocently enough: standard evil foreigner fare, [insert country of current US ire here] number one, USA patooey. We've heard it several times, we'll hear it several more. When he got in the ring, it all went downhill. Raping mother America. Well that's tasteful. Why not tell us you're going to mutilate some puppies while you're at it? Then we find out that his finisher is called the WMD. See that's perfect, because none of the American wrestlers will be able to find it and he'll go around beating them while they try to turn him into a democracy and swear they don't want his oil. Or something. Oh but it gets better. At the beginning of his theme music, he has the sound effect of a low-flying plane. Wow. Just wow. It's a real shame, because the promo he cut before his match was EXACTLY what the angle needs, and the ref kicking his hands off the ropes plays perfectly into the discrimination angle. Not that we haven't seen it before with Public Enemy and Shelton Benjamin. The bad far outweighs the good however, and it's plane wrong. If you want to do an angle where a guy is hated because of racial prejudice, you do not give him so many ties to the darkest, most horrifying tragedy in American history. A tragedy perpetrated by a small and extremist part of the very race that this man is representing. Right now you are making fans blind to the prejudice he alleges (a prejudice which is all too real anywhere in the western world these days) because they hate him. If that's what you were going for, congratulations. But you'll also piss off a lot of people in the process. And I don't think you can afford that.

I'm almost scared to watch Impact this week, with it being September 11. Chances are, it will be a plane wreck. See? It's not appropriate when I do it either.

Rant mode off. BANNER~!



The Spread~!

Unforgiven sales struggling!

Unforgiven preview!

The Week in Links!

Even more Foley news!

Random Video Interlude!

Wrestling Nostalgia: Stuff I Want

Espresso Shots!

The Scramble, analysed

The Tip Jar!

Scrambling for spin
With only 6,000 tickets sold for Unforgiven as of Tuesday, WWE employees and fans are coming up with excuses

It's amazing what passes for news in these slow weeks, but hey I work with what I'm given. No sooner had this news come out than the spin started, first from JR:

"Something tells me that Sunday's Unforgiven which has sort of flown under the radar with only a 3 week build on TV including a pre-emption for Raw and the Labor Day holiday to contend with..."

Then the WWE haters started with their "Epic Fail!" and their claims that TNA was having an effect, that WWE has sucked since PPV X, since Rock left or since Cena was born, that they have too many PPVs, that 3 of the same new gimmick match is too much, and that having The Brian Kendrick in a main event is stupid. Of course the WWE fans defended it with yet more spin: the injuries are the cause, the Browns are opening their season at home on the same day, Cleveland fans are notorious for waiting until the last minute and there was still plenty of time to get tickets.

Now, some of these are very valid points. Having Raw on Sci-Fi one week then a holiday the next is not the ideal way to build a PPV with your viewers. Of course they built SummerSlam pretty well during the Olympics, but they're not as popular as they used to be. 3 weeks is also not long to build a PPV. However, WWE knew this when they did their PPV schedule, and even if they didn't they've changed PPV dates in the past and could have done so again. Same goes for holding it in Cleveland with the Browns drawing upwards of 50-60k in the same city on the same day. The writing has been sub-par for a while, but recently has got better with the HBK-Jericho angle, Orton starting the Next Gen stable by inspiring Simply Priceless, and even the "Punk is lucky" angle, to an extent. That said, The Brian Kendrick may be a refreshing breath for those of us who place in-ring ability over the ability to move merchandise, but the majority of WWE viewers will see him as a guy way out of his depth. The overload of Scrambles is an interesting one. To me, it's not an issue, I'm actually looking forward to the 3 different finishes they will undoubtedly come up with, I'm curious as to how they will have Punk retain while still looking like a chump, and I'm interested to see which title changes hands.

The bottom line though is this: I would bet that by now, tickets are close to sold out for the event. I don't know if Cleveland residents really are last-minute buyers, but with tickets starting at $25 it's not exactly an expensive evening out with an almost guaranteed title change. In the unlikely event that they don't sell out the approximately 20,000 seats in the Q, they can run the tarp around the upper bowl and leave the capacity at around 12,000.



Logically, Unforgiven
Detailed preview of tonight's PPV offering

Hey look, a smooth progression! The 411 Staff, led by the legendary Randle have The Round Table, while another legend of 411mania's past, Gavin Napier, has the detailed preview.

WWE Divas Championship – Maryse vs Michelle McCool (C)
If Maryse wins: It'll be a short-term thing. As much as she has improved, she's not ready for an extended title run. McCool wins it back in short order. Maryse can then fight the Bella Twins for a while. Since I can't.
If McCool wins: We'll finally get the Natalya-McCool match that we all sort-of want, probably a series of promos, backstage antics and tag matches leading to the one-on-one at Survivor Series.
Therefore: Michelle wins. It makes no sense to take the belt from her only to give it right back.

World Tag Team Championship – Cryme Tyme vs Simply Priceless (C)
If Cryme Tyme win: It will further the Orton/DiBiase/Rhodes interaction. God how surreal is it to type those three surnames as a potential stable? There aren't exactly a lot of tag teams around to feud with, so the rematch is almost guaranteed, likely with Orton-ference.
If Priceless win: The feud still continues, but without Cryme Tyme getting a title win throughout the feud. This will establish the Next Gen stable and give WWE a chance to bring in a new team or two to try and break that dominance. Like Mercury and York.
Therefore: Simply Priceless will win. Cody and Ted have been derailed enough, and although Cryme Tyme may eventually get a win, possibly due to CM Punk, it's not tonight.

Scramble for the ECW Championship – Matt Hardy vs Chavo Guerrero vs The Miz vs Finlay vs Mark Henry (C)
If Hardy wins: It will be a surprise. Although Matt may be over enough, I truly believe he and Jeff will win their world titles on the same night, and it's not tonight. However, if they truly do want to recreate the Guerrero-Benoit moment, one of the Hardys would have to be champion first...
If Chavo wins: It would likely mean a title program with Evan Bourne. We won't get a straight rematch with Henry and Chavo, so a Chavo win would likely be with some sort of last-second controversy, leading to a triple threat rematch.
If The Miz wins: I will be forced to gouge out my eyes with a spoon. The only thing less likely than The Miz as world champion would be the teenage daughter of a Republican candidate becoming pregnant. Oh, fuck. It's not that Miz is bad, he's just nowhere near ready. On the bright side, it would probably mean a Miz-Morrison title feud.
If Finlay wins: He's in a great position to fill the mentor role that WWE have been trying to fill on ECW for a while. He's in a feud with Mike Knox, and bringing that feud to the top of the ECW card might bring out the best in Knox.
If Henry wins: It throws the logic for the rest of the PPV out of the window. Most people expect Punk to retain, and almost as many think HHH will. A Henry win lets the Hardy-Henry feud continue and gives Matt a chance to win his first world title one-on-one and clean.
Therefore: Matt Hardy pulls it out. Bourne is not ready for a title feud with Chavo, and Chavo spends more time on SmackDown than ECW. Finlay is just fine where he is, though he'd be my next choice to win. Miz is not champion material...yet. Henry retaining would be probable if Punk and HHH weren't likely to do the same. Process of elimination...

Scramble for the WWE Championship – THE Brian Kendrick vs Shelton Benjamin vs MVP vs Jeff Hardy vs Triple H (C)
If Kendrick wins: We'll have some interesting times ahead. Zeke makes anything possible for Kendrick, so he could be given some high-profile guys to beat thanks to his man Zeke before they split and feud.
If Benjamin wins: First off, we'll need a US Title tournament. I love tournaments. Then I'll need a defibrillator, since he will be the first black man to hold the WWE title. Shelton is heading for a feud with MVP, and making it for the title with a face MVP (they're turning him gradually and nobody is really noticing) chasing would be an excellent choice.
If MVP wins: We can discount the rumours of him being in the doghouse I guess. The Benjamin-Hardy-MVP feud will eventually morph back to just MVP-Hardy, allowing Hardy to get his title win without pinning HHH again.
If Jeff wins: There will be some serious marking out and emotion in that building. The Jeff-HHH interactions have been great and they seem to work well together, so that would be the next step.
If HHH wins: Really, would it surprise you? He has unfinished business with both Khali and Jeff Hardy to take him through the rest of the year and he's the biggest name on the show. He also has a new baby at home and would probably like to spend some time with her.
Therefore: Jeff Hardy wins. Again, process of elimination: Kendrick is not credible yet, Benjamin and MVP are feuding with each other (I'll skip over the colour issue) and HHH would love to have a couple of months off. The constant references to the strikes on Jeff are to throw us off track.

Scramble for the World Championship – Kane vs Rey Mysterio vs Batista vs JBL vs CM Punk (C)
If Kane wins: It would have to be considered both a reward for service and a transition. Kane is very much on the downside of his career and a title run does nothing for him. Since he's feuding with Rey, you have to believe that he'd be next for a shot.
If Mysterio wins: It will be an attempt to rectify the horrible booking of his first run. With Vince's new-found desire to concentrate on and attract ethnic markets, as well as a TV deal in Mexico, giving Rey a strong championship run would be a good idea.
If Batista wins: He can shed the "big match choker" label that he's starting to get. Sure he beat Cena, but when was the last time Batista won a world title match? Should he manage to win, he'll have both Jericho and then Cena to deal with.
If JBL wins: He'll have to give CM Punk another shot before probably dropping to Batista, but not before December I reckon.
If Punk wins: I will be a happy bunny. He gets a feud against Jericho before the one we've been waiting for against Orton, which is where he will probably drop.
Therefore: I have to go with CM Punk. Having him as the only champion to retain will do wonders for his credibility, even if it's a shaky retention. 6 months down the line the marks won't remember how he won, only that he won. Batista can snap and turn heel, feed Kofi Kingston to him until Cena comes back. I really don't care what JBL does.

Unsanctioned Grudge Match – Shawn Michaels vs Chris Jericho
If Michaels wins: He adds credence to his claim that Jericho will never be him. It's also likely to signal the end of the feud, which is a shame if it happens so soon.
If Jericho wins: The feud will continue after giving Shawn some time off to rest his triceps. Jericho may get a short program with CM Punk in the interim, possibly with Michaels costing him a win on PPV.
Therefore: Jericho wins, but only in name. Michaels will beat the hell out of him but not go for the pin (presuming you can win by pin), and when Jericho finally gets the upper hand for an extended period he will get the cover.


The Week In Links
After all, what's a Sunday brunch without the paper?

The shows
Just like a TV Guide that's a week old

Dunn's RAWtopsy Raw rating: 2.9, holding steady.
Bauer's ECW Report ECW rating: 1.4, up from 1.3.
Csonka's Impact Report Impact rating: 1.0. Surprised?
Michael O's Smackdown Report.

Required Reading
Best of the week's editorials

It's finally over! Sforcina wraps up his epic Evolution Schematic on The Undertaker. Which he can't teach in the South.
Dan Torkel takes a look at WrestleMania matches that should have happened.
Sarnecky takes a look back at HBK's career, starting with his early days.
I felt bad about dropping out of the regular Gmail PPV chat with Small and Slimmer, so go read Slimmer's look at Foley in TNA.



This month's worst-kept secret
Foley finally announces what he's doing, and nobody cares

After minutes and minutes of agonising speculation over where Mick Foley would end up after leaving WWE,
TNA posted a cryptic image on their website: a smiley face wrapped in barbed wire, and the caption "Have a Nice Day!" Fans everywhere were perplexed for literally seconds, wondering what this could possibly mean. Mick Foley is such a huge and relevant star that everyone waited with bated breath to find out if the two could possibly be linked.



I think I just exploded the Sarcasmatron 5000.

If Mick Foley were one tenth as relevant as he thinks he is in wrestling today, this would still not be a big deal or a coup for TNA. Oh, and did I mention that TNA named their pretty little graphic "foley.jpg", just in case anybody had any doubts? It's not like he had anywhere else to go, and TNA had shown interest in him before. As it stands, my reaction to the signing is as follows:



If Kurt Angle, who was hugely over when he left WWE, couldn't do anything to help TNA's ratings, then what is a broken-down less talented has-been going to do for them? Once the "dream" matches of Abyss-Mankind and Foley-Joe are out of the way, there's really nothing he can or will do that will make anyone care. He looks like a calamity waiting to happen whenever he's in the ring, which reportedly won't be much, and the Tenay-West pairing is unlikely to be broken up. Foley's biggest value is in his mic work, which only matters if somebody watches it.

Video surfaced on Saturday of Foley's first appearance for TNA, at a house show in Mick's home of Long Island. He said he wanted to make a huge impact on TNA (HAW HAW punz r fun`ni), then asked the crowd to chant the names of 2 of his kids. At least this wasn't on TV. WWE's reaction to Foley's departure was as follows:

Three-time WWE Champion Mick Foley allowed his contract with WWE to expire on August 31st, 2008. WWE and Foley have mutually agreed to sever business ties at this time as the former SmackDown announcer pursues other opportunities.

No wishes for his future endeavours, you will notice. Aside from the "short-term" (according to Mick) deal with TNA, he is also looking to do some more writing. Another interesting note is that Vince McMahon reportedly told THQ that only two people were not to be considered for the upcoming Legends of Wrestlemania game: Randy Savage (big surprise) and Foley. Sounds like whatever Vince was yelling about, it struck a nerve on both parts.

The fact is, TNA is caught in a trap. They can't walk out. Because they just love crap too much baby. Can they go on together, with their shows on Spike? Foley is in no condition to do anything to help them, and is about 10 years beyond the stage in his career when this move would have mattered. To sum it all up, this is what he will bring to TNA:


ZERO DOLLAH!

Random Video Interlude!

Yes, I know it's not wrestling-related, but the one dude is wearing JBL's hat, so we have a tenuous link. And it is full of win.



Stuff I Want
Things I need to see again, own, or see for the first time

Slow news weeks mean random thoughts, and this week I draw from the comment I made last week about Kai En Tai and give you a list of things I REALLY need:

Stuff I need to own
A Kai En Tai Evil/Indeed shirt. Just about the best comedy gimmick WWE ever did.
JR's BBQ sauce and beef jerky Just to say I tried it.
A CM Punk Pez dispenser No I know they don't exist. I just think it would be hilarious.
A replica title belt I don't care from where, I just want one.
Over the Edge on VHS I missed this PPV and have always wanted to see it.

Stuff I need to see again
Kurt Angle's pre-Armageddon 2000 promo The one where he says that in his next title defence, the only way to win would be to feed your opponent to a shark, and pin the shark
The Owen Raw Just to see Triple H showing human compassion.
Tazz wrestling Maybe not today's Tazz, but old-school Tazz.

Stuff I need to see for the first time:
Suicide and Homicide teaming up Hardly original, but funny.
CM Punk and Randy Orton feuding Their styles should work well together
Someone using Ryu's Dragon Punch as a finisher Oh come on, you'd ALL mark.
The Scrambles Yeah, I'm actually pretty stoked about these. See below...
A good Westerfeld column I won't hold my breath.




One-line looks at minor news

Gail Kim might not be going to WWE - I guess they should have met her on the tarmac with a Bentley
Kane is getting a DVD set - They better not release it on May 19th...
Lex Luger is working on an autobiography - The jacket will be too tight Billy.
Norman Smiley hired as a trainer in WWE - Excellent. More Big Wiggles.
RoH to run a large arena in Nashville - Hope the echoes don't distract from the wrestling



Scrambled Details
We have 3 Scrambles tonight...but what do we actually know about how they work? Not much...

As much as I'm looking forward to tonight's Championship Scrambles, I find that there are some important unanswered questions about match mechanics going into the match. On the other hand, the potential for exciting and new finishes is very high. There's also a few thing's we'll probably see tonight. Let's start with the unknowns:

• Are there count-outs? It hasn't been addressed, but you'd have to presume not. You'd also have to presume that people will want to stay as close to the ring as possible to take advantage of any double knock downs.


• What about disqualifications? This is even more interesting. If Finlay hits Miz with the shillelagh, does that give Miz the provisional title? It shouldn't, because titles can't change hands on a DQ, but it also hasn't been addressed. Will they be calling disqualifications, or is it No DQ? Either one leads to some potentially interesting falls.


• How many referees? Again, you would think only one, but having a second is justifiable and again, could lead to a couple of good finishes.


• Does one fall ending interrupt a pin in progress? This might not seem important, but it is. After a fall, does everyone have to break, or do things keep going?

As much as we like to rip on TNA for tossing out gimmick matches just to see what sticks, at least they explain the rules. Even if it does take longer than your typical X-Division match. The rules that have been announced have changed several times, and we still have questions. Let's look at the finishes we could have.

• Two wrestlers each get a fall right on the buzzer, the 5th man is the current provisional champ...controversy!


• The provisional champ is on the outside and can't break up a pin in time, so he waffles the ref/uses a chair, getting DQ'd and ending the fall before the pinfall goes down.
  
• The champ going in just hangs back breaking up falls all through the match.


• Double pin

Finally, some of the spots we're sure to see tonight.

• At least one Tower of Doom spot


• Jeff Hardy jumping off something very high


• Several cases of miscommunication


• Last-minute shenanigans


• Hornswaggle's tadpole splash

Come on, you know you want to see it.


The Tip Jar
Your thoughts from last week

Caption: Takeshi Morishima shakes WWE superstar John Cena's hand and asks, "John, what does it mean to wrestle matches that matter and people actually watch?"

Posted By: Guest#7081 (Guest)  on August 31, 2008 at 11:34 AM

Yes, because nobody watches Pro Wrestling NOAH. Not a soul. It's not one of the biggest promotions in arguably the biggest wrestling country on earth or anything. Not at all. Being the champion of that promotion of course means nothing and makes your matches just plain not matter. How could I have been so blind?



Oops, there goes another Sarcasmatron.

Who IS Christian York?

Posted By: SirCrudNoodles (Guest)  on August 31, 2008 at 01:07 PM

No, Who is Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart. Christian York is a former ECW and RoH guy who partnered Joey Matthews in ECW and through the Indys. He's done some appearances on Heat and one on Smackdown, as well as a few dark matches, so he's been around for a while. He trained in OMEGA, which was owned by the Hardys, so if he's anything like the other guys to come through there (he is), he should be OK.

finally!!! another kaientai fan!!! funaki is STILL with the company, so how hard could it be to bring back taka??

Posted By: setobakura (Guest)  on August 31, 2008 at 09:37 AM

Hard. He owns his own promotion in Japan (K-Dojo) and is a big name in AJPW. You could say he's the Booker T of Japanese wrestling. He might be open to a one-time deal, but he won't be back full-time. This makes me sad. Indeeeeeeeeeeed.

Ha! I've got my Kaientai T-Shirt (in XXL, no less) and you . . . can have have it. Maybe.

Posted By: NoOneYouKnow (Guest)  on August 31, 2008 at 12:35 PM

It is not nice to tease the Lansdell.

That's it boys and girls. We may have a special treat for you next week, so stay tuned for that. In the mean time, catch our LIVE pay per view coverage tonight starting at 8pm eastern, and Instant Analysis after the final bell. Randle, JP, Clark and Cook are in tomorrow. I'm not, but I'm in Wednesday with the new and improved Ask 411. Until then, this is...

Lansdellicious – Out.