The Cheers n' Jeers of Wrestling 9.28.08: Haas' Perfect Performance, Batista's Unrealistic Expectations, Hogan/Goldberg, More
Posted by Michael O on 09.28.2008
From Charlie Haas' tribute performance as Mr. Perfect to the potential Hogan/Goldberg match, 411's Michael O hands out the week's cheers and jeers!
Oh, hello. I'm Michael O, what's your name? Just kidding, I don't care. Sounds mean, doesn't it? But if I had said "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!" and I was The Rock, you'd all be cheering right now.
Speaking of cheers...
CHEERS
to Charlie Haas for being hi-fucking-larious in his tribute performance as Mr. Perfect this past Monday on RAW. From the lengthy pause while the non-existent cheers died down to the unsuccessful replication of many Perfect vignettes, I was entertained thoroughly and if Haas can keep up the ha-ha's, he might do what so many before him have failed to accomplish: get over as a purveyor of parody. And I'm sure Curt was laughing heartily from wherever my favorite wrestlers go when they die.
I don't recall him ever facing The Undertaker, so he's probably not in hell. Oh yeah, and the DVD is awesome, so go get it!
CHEERS
to Shane McMahon for showing up on RAW and bringing a big ol' basket of goodness with him. From his showing up of Orton and Adamle to Punk's un-suspension, something great happened almost everytime Shane-O-Mac was on the screen. Not to mention the bringing up of his storied past with Kane after the Big Red Machine made an appearance as too many times we see the WWE pass up (or deliberately ignore) opportunities to reference past angles, which can sometimes make the product feel too contained in it's present year. It's too bad Shane doesn't drop by more often, 'cause it's almost always a party when he does.
Shane, next time bring these guys with you...pretty please?
CHEERS
to the unrealistic expectations of Batista, who stated in a recent interview that he wants to be a mainstream crossover star when he grows up. Unfortunately, I don't think there is anybody in the WWE right now who is capable of pulling that off, but it's always a good thing to dream big. Most of the time.
Dave does a have a cool, natural charisma, (remember, that was the cause of his being jettisoned up the card in rapid fashion to begin with) and I could definitely see that translating to the big screen but at the risk of sounding like an ageist, Batista is no spring chicken and it may be too late to for him to get into that game.
I think the Animal will most likely have to settle for the lead role in a WWE feature film somewhere down the line, and there's no shame in that. Well, maybe just a little, especially if you're Steve Austin, but Cena and Kane did alright for themselves. And hey, I'm a complete cynic (some would just say a realist) but I also love to be proven wrong, so go get 'em Big Dave. Honestly though, we might see a future big crossover star, but I don't think he's under contract to the WWE yet, and if he (or she) is, he's nowhere near the top of the card.
Sorry current WWE roster, but this guy takes dumps that have more mainstream appeal
JEERS
to CM Punk, who of course is fresh off his first World heavyweight title run, for vowing to take the tag team straps from Simply Priceless come hell or high water. Well, since we're talking Punk, make that sober water.
Anyways, Punk vowing to take the tag titles is tantamount to somebody vowing to get a demotion at their place of work. Or vowing to attain something that is absolutely useless, like enlightenment, or a Shawn Stasiak autograph. I understand that he's got beef with Ted & Cody, but the Tag Team titles? C'mon, Punk, you're better than that. Shit, they're barely more valuable than the ROH world championship. I hope Larry Sweeney doesn't try and get somebody to rape me for that one.
"Get 'em, boys!"
JEERS
to the fact that there are far to many people out there who don't know any better and will most likely make the potential Hogan/Goldberg match that Bischoff wants to build his new promotion around a hit. Bah, I probably shouldn't even bother jeering this as I'm sure Shane-O-Mac Sr. will scoop up Hogan before it even happens so he can beat one of his stars and ride off into the sunset once again.
"I can't quit you...BROTHER!"
CHEERS
to Jeff Jarrett and Kurt Angle for turning out a fantastic performance at the top of this week's Impact, which caused an extremely rare sensation in me: I kinda almost give a shit about an upcoming TNA PPV. Jarrett stumbled over his words a little at times, but the man has been gone for a long time so I'll certainly cut him some slack. Besides, he more than made up for it with a strong, emotional performance and Angle did a great at being job being a dick. I'm sorta looking forward to Bound For Glory know and I might actually watch more than half an hour of this one.
This guy got me interested in an upcoming match. Guess there really is a first time for everything.
CHEERS
as well to Sting for making good use of his stick time at the end of the show. I know some people are turned off by insider-y stuff, but I'm not and this helped erase the memory of the Stinger's meandering yawnfest that opened their last PPV. Bonus CHEERS to the crowd for booing that picture of Hogan right out of the building.
JEERS
to former cross dressing Smackdown star Vito Lograsso, who was arrested last week for putting the smackdown on his girlfriend. I never understand why some men hit their significant others when they lose their temper. When will they learn that you should just take a deep breath, go for a walk, and find a wino to beat up.
CHEERS
to G.L.O.W (that's Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling just in case you didn't know) for apparently being resuscitated for the purposes of a reality show. I suppose we'll have to wait and see whether or not the long extinct, ladies only promotion will return full time beyond that, but I do know that G.L.O.W. + reality show = one more trashy reason to own a television set.
Many bis!
*CHEERS of the week*
to memos that were not meant for public consumption and their being consumed heartily by the IWC. In case you hadn't heard, the WWE is butt hurt over a UK mags' publishing of a memo detailing what was and wasn't fit to print when covering the upcoming Smackdown vs Raw game. I'm sure you've all had a good laugh by now at the addendum that Triple H not be portrayed in any uncompromising positions for any of screenshots printed in the press, and if you haven't, commence to giggling.
Believe it or not I'm actually surprised that the Tripster turned out to be as big of a primadonna as so many in the IWC had proclaimed him to be over the years. I mean, it's pretty incredible that this guy has to feel so insecure at this, or any, stage of his life and one wonders how many title reigns or periods of utter roster dominance would be necessary for Triple H to feel comfortable enough to allow his virtual self to be seen taking a beating in print.
I'm risking a sledgehammer shot to show you this
*JEERS* of the week
to unexplained non-finishes This week's Smackdown totally fucked us out of the Kozlov/Khali match that I'd very much unsarcastic-ly been looking forward to and if I'm alone in my outrage, so be it. I'm aware of the fact that this is not anything new, and that the other Great one and Vlad weren't going to have what one might typically classify as a "good match". It's bad enough when the pull this shit in a lesser match that had no preceding hype but this one got the video package treatment and was brought to an abrupt and unexplained end at about the one minute mark.
For reasons that defy rational explanation, I was genuinely looking forward to seeing the Russian mauler and the Punjabi giant square off, so I'm extra annoyed and I declare that there should hence forth be a moratorium on all unexplained non-finishes in professional wrestling. Seriously, there's absolutely no reason for them and they detract from any attempt at suspension of disbelief, not to mention being a flagrant thumb in the eye of WWE's supposed insistance on more authentic ref calls.
All you have to do is pick up a fucking microphone and say "this match has ended in a count out"
What's good in the hood or this is what I read on 411 today:
I'm looking forward to CM Punk going after the tag titles. I hope their trying to make them important again. ROH will main event shows with the Tag Titles. I know, crazy right?
I missed the last TNA PPV to watch the Browns game, huge mistake. Im also looking forward to this months PPV.
Posted By: Jboy1307 (Guest) on September 28, 2008 at 01:05 PM
I disagree that C.M. Punk going after the tag titles is worthy of a jeer. I know that they are not as important as a world title, but it couldn't hurt to pad his potential HOF resume, especially when the Raw title scene is so crowded. That doesn't even include him trying to give a rub to the 1 guy who tried to help him when he was being jumped, Kofi. The main reason that I like this is that, if booked right, this could become an epic war on Raw. You would have Punk, Kofi, Rey, Bourne, HBK, Batista, HAAS!!!, Cryme Tyme, and a returning Cena going up against Y2J, Orton, JBL, Cade, Ted Jr., Cody, Manu, Santino, and Kane. Notice how in the past couple of months, there have been little connections made between many of these different wrestlers. That's why I don't mind Punk going after the tag belts. It could all be part of something HUGE, or it could be nothing and you would be right. One more thing is I love what Haas is doing, but you know that no matter how funny he is, there will be those say that it is getting tired. How long do you think it will be before they start to turn on him?
Posted By: The Great Capt. Smooth (Guest) on September 28, 2008 at 01:37 PM
They spend all this time with Kozlov squashing perma-jobbers and cruiserweights to try and build him up as a huge, nasty heel and a credible threat. So, of course, instead of cementing his position as a credible threat by having him beat a giant (even though they have to go heel-on-heel for it), they have HHH come out, glare, and send Kozlov fleeing from the ring. Pathetic.
Posted By: The Ogre (Guest) on September 28, 2008 at 02:31 PM
What they ought to do with Punk is have him try partner after partner and for some reason, the chemistry isn't there (with the partner always taking the pin). Obviously, they would start with Kofi, then they could move on to other midcarders. One of them would have to be Haas in one of his gimmicks (I want to see Haas imitate Orton, but CH Punk would also be funny). Then finally, Punk reaches to SD for talent and gets his old buddy Scotty Goldman AKA Colt Cabana and they win the titles by the end of the year. Of course, once Orton comes back, Punk and him feud and Orton costs Punk the tag titles, leading to a WM matchup between the two.
Posted By: Michael L (Guest) on September 28, 2008 at 03:00 PM
Posted By: Guest#9194 (Guest) on September 28, 2008 at 04:46 PM
Did Batista really say he wants to be a cross over star WHEN HE GROWS UP?
Isn't he closing in on 40?
Posted By: Guest#1381 (Guest) on September 28, 2008 at 05:03 PM
"Dave does a have a cool, natural charisma"
No he doesn't.
Posted By: m8 (Guest) on September 28, 2008 at 05:39 PM
God, for once can I just read an article where there isn't a columnist trynna be funny at TNA's expense...just once.
I can't wait for BFG. And the wresting fan inside of you who isn't longing for acceptance is psyched too.
Otherwise...Good article
Posted By: bighustle (Guest) on September 28, 2008 at 09:58 PM
HAHA Batista and charisma in the same sentence, you get more laughs with that than any SNL skit!
Posted By: Brad (Guest) on September 28, 2008 at 10:32 PM
So why exactly is a Hogan/Goldberg match such a bad idea? I guarantee you more people will care about it more than almost anything else presented in wrestling right now. Also, if people want to get excited about it, why does that make them wrong? If there is one thing I can't stand is wrestling snobs. Actually, there's something else: wrestling snobs who haven't figured out that Hulk Hogan and Bill Goldberg were more successful and mean more to pro wrestling than what independent / work-rate flavor of the month who will most likely only be known to a bunch "fans" that hate on anything mainstream.
I tried your column, was pleased with it for the most part...just get a little perspective.
Posted By: cpbasil (Guest) on September 28, 2008 at 11:55 PM
Thanks for readin' everybody!
Jboy & Cap'n:
Fair enough guys, but I've just reached a point where I'm pretty much done with the tag team titles in the WWE. Meehan made some really good points on the pros of this development also, but at this juncture I just can't see it as anything more than a HUGE step down for Punk. For the belts to even begin to mean something again, they'd need to stay on a team, a good one, for a very long time while being defended regularly against a multitude of good teams in a multitude of good to great matches. Unfortunately, I just see them continuing to get passed around on the whims of whoever on the creative team feels like giving them to every few months with no real purpose or direction. See the Edgeheads for an example of what I'm talking about. But I like said before, I'm a cynic who loves to be proven wrong and I actually hope Punk and whoever his partner is, most likely Kofi, make me eat my words by having a great feud with Simply Priceless and ushering a new era of greatness in the tag team division.
Oh, and Jboy, I didn't watch the Browns game (in fact, I don't even know what a "Brown's game" is) but you didn't miss much by skipping out on the last TNA PPV.
Oh, and Cap'n, I think if Haas can be as great as he was Monday in all his subsequent skits he's not going to have to worry about anybody turning on him. Though I did see more than one person calling his performance disrespectful to Curt's memory, so there are a lot of dumb fucks out there who might do just that.
The Ogre:
Yeah, I was pretty flabbergasted that all it took was the sight of a shirtless Hunter to send Vlad packing. But we're just dumb marks who don't know anything about building tomorrow's monsters, aren't we? *eyeroll*
Michael L:
That'd be cool, but at this point I'm not sure Scotty Jobman is even going to have a job in the WWE by the end of the year. And if he does still have a job with the WWE, it will be exactly that.
Guest#9194 & m8:
Really, you two don't think so? We'll just have to agree to disagree then.
bighustle:
There are but a handful of things I long for and acceptance is not one of them. Yes, it's fun to rip on TNA, and I'll do it whether anybody else is or not. Fact is I am kinda sorta looking forward to BFG, which truly and honestly is the most I've looked forward to a TNA PPV since the first Angle/Joe match. But the words "TNA" and "psyched" don't go together for me at all and they never have, though that could change if this 'new vs old' angle lives up to the promise it's shown so far.
Posted By: Michael O (Registered) on September 29, 2008 at 12:01 AM
I have to say, I found this column fully enjoyable. Good job.
Posted By: Creepy Old Man (Guest) on September 29, 2008 at 12:15 AM
Brad:
Yeah, but my dog's worms get more laughs than most SNL skits too.
cpbasil:
For me, a Hogan/Goldberg match has bad idea written all over it. 2008 Hogan makes 1998 Hogan look like Bret Hart as far as workrate and mobility are concerned, and 1998 Hogan was no Bret Hart as far as workrate and mobility are concerned. And Goldberg? Yeah, one of the biggest wrestlers ever...for a year and a half about a decade ago. I call that a flash in the pan. But in all seriousness, if the match happens, and you enjoy it, more power to you, man! People should like whatever they like regardless of what snotty columnists like me have to say.
Posted By: Michael O (Registered) on September 29, 2008 at 12:22 AM
To cast overboard or off: a ship jettisoning wastes; a pilot jettisoning aircraft fuel.
Informal To discard (something) as unwanted or burdensome: jettisoned the whole marketing plan
Posted By: hos (Guest) on September 29, 2008 at 05:35 AM
Guess that makes Rocky a flash i nthe pan too ans he was only a huge star for 2-3 years and Steve Austin only 3 years too.
Interesting.
Posted By: Tard? (Guest) on September 29, 2008 at 07:43 AM
I think the Triple H memo might be a rib on Triple H by Shane. It seems a little petty, even for Hunter Triple H the Cerebral Assassin Game Hearst King Of Kings Handlebar-BURY'n Helmsley.
Posted By: Angry Bear (Guest) on September 29, 2008 at 08:23 AM
"Or vowing to attain something that is absolutely useless, like enlightenment, or a Shawn Stasiak autograph."
HA, That's messed up! Very true though!
I 2 am annoyed when they don't explain non-finishes. I use 2 recap SD! & PPV's on another site & I hated when they wouldn't announce what was up! It's not that hard 2 say it! Isn't that the announcers job? Also, I hated how Jeff Hardy, HHH, & everybody's mother could beat Khali but the rising star who needs the win more than any of them can't get it. Like u said, why do u hype a match only 2 let it end in whatever it ended in? Now he doesn't have that win! Where does he go next? To face HHH one on one? Who thinks he'd win that match? This is a WASTED opportunity 2 really establish The Moscow Mauler!
Anyway, Great job! Take it easy! Don't fall off any cliffs!
PEACE!
Posted By: THE BOMB! (Guest) on September 29, 2008 at 12:43 PM
Big Bad Momma vs. The Farmer's Daughter. Book that right now.
Posted By: Cory (Guest) on September 29, 2008 at 03:35 PM
"(remember, that was the cause of his being jettisoned up the card in rapid fashion to begin with)"
do you even know what jettison means? Using big words only makes you look smart if you use them correctly. Here's an example of correct usage: Writers who use words incorrectly should be jettisoned from 411mania.com
Posted By: jeff (Guest) on September 29, 2008 at 06:00 PM
jeff is a tool.
Posted By: Dillrock (Guest) on September 29, 2008 at 08:02 PM
"do you even know what jettison means? Using big words only makes you look smart if you use them correctly. Here's an example of correct usage: Writers who use words incorrectly should be jettisoned from 411mania.com"
Here's another example: People who comment just to be jackasses should have their comments jettisoned from 411mania!
PEACE!
Posted By: THE BOMB! (Guest) on September 29, 2008 at 08:14 PM
hos & Jeff:
*gulp* Ummm...it has a different meaning in Canada?
Tard?:
Nope. Rock would still be the biggest name in wrestling if he chose to come back. His run was short, but he went out on top. That's quite a different career trajectory than Goldie, whose stock dropped the moment his year plus undefeated streak came to an end and never really recovered. As for Austin, he was still king of the wrestling world when WCW and Goldberg went out of business, and he'd become hotter much sooner and had many years of quality (though under-rated and underappreciated at the time) ringwork to his resume. I stand by my position.
Bomb Diggitty:
Thanks for having my back, dawg! I deserve it though. All I can say on behalf of myself is that I was quite stoned when I wrote this, but then I usually am and I manage not to make a mockery of the English language. Like right now! Peace back at ya!
Posted By: Michael O (Registered) on September 29, 2008 at 10:26 PM
Charlie Haas= Ratings! This guy is so hilarious!
Posted By: Chris (Guest) on September 29, 2008 at 10:47 PM
