Cook’s Corner 10.20.08: The Official 2008 Election Guide

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…Election Season! Sometimes elections can seem overwhelming to the average Joe “The Plumber” Six-Pack, so we here at the Cook’s Corner Editorial Board (CCEB for short) present your Official 2008 Election Guide. We’re covering all the important issues so you can make an informed decision at the polling place of your choosing. Or your cell phone, since Cyber Sunday voting is being done exclusively by cell phone this year. Which makes us wonder…is WWE’s use of a poll tax constitutional? Before we present the case to the Supreme Court, let’s go ahead and look at the choices for this year’s PPV, along with a few other issues you may be wondering about.

Intercontinental Championship match: Santino Marella vs…
A. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper
B. Goldust
C. Honky Tonk Man

To be honest, the three choices are probably pretty much even in the workrate factor at this point. Those of you who think Goldust might be the top choice probably haven’t seen Dustin Rhodes wrestle since he left WWE. It isn’t good. We like the Hot Rod, but have no desire to see him wrestle. However, we would like to see the Honky Donky Man put an end to Santino’s shenanigans and keep his record alive. We support Honky Donky and his occasional bitterness that led to humorous Internet columns back in the day. Remember when he mercilessly bashed Jerry Lawler and his love for younger women on his site and then claimed to Cousin Jerry that he was “working a feud”? Ah, memories. Just don’t expect Honky to take any chops from Santino…or much else, for that matter. But it’s not like anybody else takes a lot of offense from Santino, right?

Pick the Tag Team match:
A. Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase vs. CM Punk & Kofi Kingston
B. John Morrison & The Miz vs. Cryme Tyme
C. Jamie Noble & Mickie James vs. William Regal & Leyla

All of these matchups have some redeeming value. With Choice A, we would get to see a World tag team title match. Choice B gets Morrison & Miz on PPV, which is a good thing…even if it means we have to put up with Cryme Tyme. Choice C might be the sleeper pick, as the Internet loves the Noble/Regal feud and wants them to get more airtime. We expect Choice A to win out due to Punk’s placement on the Cyber Sunday poster, but will support Choice C and hope that Mickie goes back to wearing skirts one of these days.

Rey Mysterio vs. Kane in a…
A. Falls Count Anywhere match
B. No Holds Barred match
C. 2 out of 3 fall match

Does anybody really want to see Kane have a three fall match? One’s quite enough for our liking. He’s best in garbage type matches, so either of the first two choices would work out fine. We here at the Corner would like to see a Falls Count Anywhere match because those tend to end up in fun and exciting places. Like a women’s restroom…it’s ok, our humble leader reinstated Chris Benoit’s name and career for mentioning in columns several months back, so we can reference his series of matches with Kevin Sullivan if we so desire.

Undertaker vs. Big Show in a…
A. Knockout match
B. I Quit match
C. Last Man Standing match

Can we vote for the match to not take place at all? No? Damn. We don’t want to see Taker & Show work a TNA women’s match, so Option A is out. It comes down to I Quit vs. Last Man Standing, and we consider I Quit to be more fun due to the microphone involvement.

SAY IT!!!!!!!!!!!

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*THUNK*

SAY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*THUNK*

It won’t be Magnum vs. Tully, but it might not be too bad.

ECW Championship match: Matt Hardy vs…
A. Mark Henry
B. Evan Bourne
C. Finlay

We’ve seen Hardy vs. Henry a few times now and we’ll probably see it a few more times before it’s all said and done. Finlay is a favorite of the CCEB, but we feel that 2008 is a time for Change. And that’s why we’re endorsing Evan Bourne, a kid that’s full of potential and will do all the crazy stuff that WWE will allow him to do. We also hope that he finds the girls on the WWE road schedule more to his liking than the girls that attended OVW shows. We would ask Scotty Goldman for his opinion on the matter, but he seems to have disappeared. That’s too bad, we liked ol’ Scotty.

World Championship match: Chris Jericho vs. Batista, with the referee being…
A. Shawn Michaels
B. Randy Orton
C. Stone Cold Steve Austin

Shawn Michaels can’t possibly be a fair official considering his recent history with Jericho. Yes, he also has a checkered past with Batista, but that happened months ago and WWE writers tend to forget things that haven’t happened in the past month. We’re not sure Randy Orton can count to three. We’ve supported Stone Cold since he was Stunning, and we don’t get to see him as much as the other two guys. (What, you expect us to watch his movies? Puh-leeze.) STONE COLD STONE COLD BAH GAWD STONE COLD it is.

WWE Championship match: Triple H vs…
A. Jeff Hardy
B. Vladimir Kozlov
C. Hardy & Kozlov

We realize that Kozlov isn’t much of a worker. But we also realize that Kozlov’s going to be in a championship match sooner rather than later whether we like it or not. Why not try to make the best out of it by also putting Hardy in the match to ease the pain? Instead of choosing between the lesser of two evils, choose both evils. We realize that the popular opinion will be to just pick Hardy, but that was last month’s match and we support Change. Maybe Kozlov can learn something from having both H & Hardy to work off of.

World Series: Philadelphia Phillies vs. Tampa Bay Rays

Since we spend a lot of time in a National League city, we feel inclined to support the Phillies. Philadelphia’s a nice city that’s been great to the wrestling industry, and Phillies pitcher Brett Myers gave us one of the great meltdowns of all time last year…

Tremendous. Anybody responsible for something like that deserves our support. Boom. Outta here.

Winner of the 200th edition of Fact or Fiction:
A. Larry Csonka
B. Steve Cook
C. JD Dunn
D. Ari Berenstein
E. Stephen Randle
F. Scott Rutherford

Yes, we at the CCEB are declaring victory for our spiritual leader in the epic battle that took place last Thursday. Although Dunn did score points with some of the judges, it took dirty tricks to pull it off. (Using pictures for column fodder is soooooo AJ Grey.) Cook’s responses garnered the most interest and heat from various commenters, therefore he had the biggest impact on the proceedings. He remains undefeated in Fact or Fiction and welcomes all challenges.

U.S. Presidential Election:
A. Sen. Barack Obama – Sen. Joe Biden
B. Sen. John McCain – Gov. Sarah Palin

We remember what happened the last time we endorsed a Presidential candidate in a column. We ended up with 4 more years of Bush. We’re not making that mistake again.

Citizens, one of the great things about being American (or Canadian or British or wherever you’re from as long as it isn’t Cuba or an Islamic Republic) is that you have the right to vote. Exercise it, or somebody else will.

That’s all for now…don’t forget to check out my Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling Recap, and I’ll be back later this week to do something I haven’t done in a long time! Until then…