The Wrestling Bard 11.01.08: Monster's Ball

Posted by Aaron Hubbard on 11.01.2008

Halloween might be over, but the Bard is still in the spirit. Who is the best monster in wrestling? Cast your vote inside!

This is the Wrestling Bard, otherwise known as Hell for Velvet Sky Haters, according to the esteemed Chris Lansdell. That's right, I finally figured out how to do links, so I'm going to give a shout out to some of the guys I've been neglecting.

J.D. Dunn reviews Chi-Town Rumble, featuring the first of the Holy Trinity of Wrestling Matches.

Jeff Small has one of the most entertaining news reports in a while. But he still loves Khali, so you might want to skip that one.

Samuel Berman makes a rare appearance on 411 to discuss Gabe Sapolsky's departure from Ring of Honor.

Mike Chin discusses the Importance of the Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal Match, and reminds me how much I love Raw Roulette.

The Boss reviews Cyber Sunday.

Michael Weyer discusess World Entertaining Entertainment and provides links to almost everyone else.

And Daniel Wilcox discusses the art of being a heel.

*Links to Saturday columns will be posted as soon as they are up.

I myself will be discussing the art of being a heel...except I'm not discussing the Edges, Ortons and Jerichos of the world. Instead, I'll be discussing the Monster Heels. Hopefully, the spirit of Halloween is still with you and this will fit my mood as I post it on the day of Halloween. But first, something really scary:



The Goliath Concept

In my second column, I briefly touched on the concept of Davids and Goliaths in wrestling history. But mostly, it was to describe the juggernaut/Samson role of "good" monsters, like Undertaker. This week, I give love to some wrestlers on the evil side of that gimmick, those that fit the Goliath archetype of nearly unbeatable monster. Monsters are not given much love in the IWC. Most see them as just generic big men. While some wrestlers (coughBatistacough) are really just generic big men with absolutely nothing special about them, it takes a special wrestler to take a monster character and make it work. An effective monster is always over witht the fans and perceived as a potential threat. But who is the best Goliath in wrestling right now? I've narrowed the field down to the five that I enjoy the most, and since it's nearly election day, I'll let the readers practice their right to vote for the best monster in wrestling today.

Candidate 1: "The Monster" Abyss


Pros: Well, his nickname is "The Monster". While some in TNA go overboard by calling him the "Best Big Man in the Business", I won't deny that Abyss is up there. The Masked Monster has a work ethic that very few his size have, and overcomes the odds to have entertaining matches. Abyss is also just flat scary. His massive size and roaring is bad enough, but the fact that he has no regard for his personal safety is at once awe inspiring and also terrifying. More than anyone else on this list, Abyss is willing to become very violent in order to accomplish his goals. For a man that was once labeled as a lame Kane rip-off, he has managed to make a nice niche for himself.

Cons: Abyss does not have a very good win-loss record. Although he is more cerebral than he looks, he also suffers from tunnel vision. When he gets focused on a strategy, he will just keep doing it, and often, his opponents will find a way to use that against him. He's just not flexible enough to form new strategies and is often outsmarted. Abyss is at his most dangerous when he is unleashed and allowed to wreak havoc, but he is at his most effective when at the command of a manager.

Candidate 2: The Boogeyman


Pros: The Boogeyman is quite possibly the strangest wrestler to ever, um, grace the rings of WWE. From his bizarre entrance with the orange smoke to the nursery rhyme promos to the crazy toothless grin to the worms, Boogeyman is just...creepy. His ability to pop out of nowhere is something that must make every WWE Superstar feel a little uncomfortable. And did I mention the worms?

Cons: As creepy as the Boogeyman is, he appears too infrequently to be relevant, and on the rare occasion where he does show up, it is usually as comedic relief. How can you take a monster seriously when all he does is make you laugh? The Little Boogeyman doesn't help his monster image. Boogeyman comes across more as a Mad TV Character than someone who hides under the bed. His inability to have a good match won't do him any favors either.

Candidate 3: The Great Khali


Pros: The Great Khali is a very imposing person. Standing well over seven feet tall, one can't help but look up to the guy. And unlike most giants, Khali comes in at a lean 420 pounds, and has an impressive muscular physique to go along with his massive height. His incoherent babbling and growling might not be the best promo, but its effective at getting the point across. Khali's offense is bowling shoe ugly, but it is effective, as he once beat the Undertaker clean in under five minutes. That just doesn't happen, but Khali did it. The fact that he accidently killed a man in training (largely due to the other guy's mistake) doesn't help him in the cute and cuddly department.

Cons: Obviously, the biggest complaint about Khali is his in-ring work. To turn things around, Khali's offense, though effective, is bowling shoe ugly. He is very limited in what he can do, and many wrestlers, like Undertaker, John Cena, and Batista have solved the puzzle, which kind of takes away from his aura of invincibility. But perhaps the most shocking is that Khali doesn't seem to be a monster at all. Just because we can't understand Khali doesn't mean that he isn't a kind soul. He's just confused and misguided. His humorous escapades with DX, McMahon's phone, and the Kiss Cam have all worked to make Khali seem more human. And if you read Jeff Small, you get a whole bunch of stories that remind us that Khali is just a normal seven-foot guy, and not a monster.

Candidate 4: Kane


Pros: Amid this collection of freaks and lumbering hulks, Kane stands alone as the most evil of them all. This pyromaniac has set everything from Jim Ross to his own parents graves ablaze, and has even gone so far as to attack a helpless Linda McMahon. He has buried his own brother alive and put countless people in the hospital. He was intimidating enough with the mask, but once we saw his face and got to hear his voice, it became even more apparant how sick and twisted Kane truly is. A giant of a man who possesses athleticism akin to his half brother, Kane is every bit as dangerous inside the ring as he is outside of it. Plus, he has experience playing the monster Jacob Goodnight in See No Evil. That has to count for something.

Cons: Kane is several years past his best days in the ring, and many feel he has grown stale. And as we get more glimpses at the man behind the mask, Kane is less of an unstoppable monster and more like a sadistic, cerebral menace. Kane has also tried to connect with his human side on a few occasions, and has even been known to make a joke or two. Out of all of these men, Kane has shown to be the most human, but has also done the most inhuman things of the lot. Does it balance out?

Candidate 5: "The Samoan Bulldozer" Umaga


Pros: Who would have thought that a Samoan Savage would be relavent in the twenty-first century? Despite critics bashing him for the first several months, Umaga got over very quickly and is feared by nearly everyone. Combining ruthless agression and deceptive intelligence with an appetite for destruction, Umaga may be the human equivalant of a wrecking ball. Umaga knows how to systematically break his opponents down. He's big, fast, agile, strong, smart, and has no conscience. George Bush might not have the best of luck, but Vince McMahon has found a REAL Weapon of Mass Destruction.

Cons: Three words: Triple H burial. No matter how much credibility you build as a monster, a feud with Triple H will always take that cred and crush it. If Umaga had won a single PPV match against the game, it might have been different, but we know that was not to be. The Samoan Bulldozer has been running on fumes since then, and one has to wonder if the fans will embrace him upon his eventual return.

So, who is the best monster in the business? Cast your vote via e-mail or the comments section.

Ask Aaron

Unfortunately, nobody was too interested in this, except for a certain ecwfan . He wanted to know my thoughts on the Guantlet Match two weeks ago on RAW. The best way to some up my thoughts is that I'd prefer not to think of it. It was a disaster. The rules made no sense and it made the Champion look weak, as well as the three opponents. Probably the worst Main Event of the Year. And though I can't picture it winning due to some other "gems" of WrestleCrap (Rats on Poles anyone?), I'm sure it will get a few votes in the Worst Match of the Year category on 411 Wrestling.

If anyone else wants to hear my opinion on anything, shoot it out. Just remember, no politics, no faith/religion, and no Chris Benoit. That is for the best, trust me.

And if you are wondering what you should be for Halloween next year, Elmo seems to have good luck.

And now, just because I'm a nice guy, let's start November off on the right track with a classic match featuring two pioneers of the X-Division in TNA. Although, it's from Japan, so some people will hate it on principle.


November is my favorite month of the year, so everybody have a good one! And remember, whether you prefer Obama or McCain, get out and practice your God-given right to vote in three days!