The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 11.20.08

Posted by Jeff Small on 11.20.2008

For those of you who have missed the good ole days of news reporting…

I am Hy8

Every once in a while I read comments asking about various news reporters from the past. Some comments even go so far as to say that the commenter misses the "good ole days" of news reports. Now for the majority of you who miss these "good ole days" from 2000-2003, this news report might cheer you up. And for those of you who are currently wondering what the heck I am talking about, I think it will become quite evident below.

Wait for it…


Wait for it…


Wait for it…


Keep waiting…


Yes, Yes…


WHAMMY!!!!!


Note: In the "Good Ole Days", no column had a banner.

Admit It, You Missed Me

From hiro , "1) small > wilcox"

Thank you hiro. Shouldn't you be trying to save the world or a cheerleader? (Note to Jeff: Heroes jokes aren't relevant anymore. Neither is the show.) Regardless, I am kind of pissed at Wilcox for not titling his news report The Thursday Cox-For-All but not enough that I will go and slander his fine name (queer). You never know when I need another fill-in (judging by my schedule: December 10th).

From Andrew , "On a personal note, my favorite heel PPV poster was that one with Angle looking all Palpatinic under his hood with the rest of Team Angle. Which PPV was that from again?"

Silly Andrew, for that's not even Angle's best PPV poster. This is:



Oh and by the way, that PPV was Backlash 2003 .

From commenter kid, "why would wwe want rhyno back"

FACT: no one wants rhino back. I can't believe there were more comments about that than on my entire news report two weeks ago. I had a fucking Tears for Fears reference that none of you picked up on. For shame.

So Where Was I?

Well some of you might be interested as to why I took last week off. Easy answer: Augusta, ME has shitty phone/wireless service and really, I wanted some time off to watch Role Models. Role Models turned out to be worth my $8.75. I would still rank it below Forgetting Sarah Marshall (my favorite comedy of 2008) and Tropic Thunder.

What Did I Miss?

Well the E continued their spring cleaning. Why couldn't Vince just hire Kimmy Gibbler instead? Gone are: Chuck Palumbo (called that two weeks ago), Paul London, Lena Yada (which led to a "They All Look Alike" racial conversation), Elijah Burke (I'll miss him but not as much as I'll miss Snitsky when he gets released), and Kenny Dykstra. Of all of them, I wish Kenny wasn't released seeing as he's a basketcase and could have self-destructed quite nicely. Not in an Ultimate Warrior sort of way – more so like Randy Orton. Then we could have had Orton poop in his bag bringing the new generation full circle. Ahem, I guess we are just left with Ezekial running the train on the current Divas lineup.

Christian Cage is believed to be heading to the WWE. So what have we learned here kids: Palumbo + London + Yada + Burke + Dykstra = Christian Cage. If you fuckers don't think he's going to get a push upon his return, I suggest you invest in the stock market. By the way, does anyone think it's ironic that Cage's last major feud in the both the WWE and TNA before he left those companies were with Booker T?



So Between Last Week and This Week

Let's see: my Fantasy Football team shit the bed for the third week in a row. Seriously, I was rolling along just fine (even after an injury to Tomy Romo) when QB Matt Schaub went down with injury. Then I had to sit through Tennessee's lack of a running game for the last two weeks. In case you are wondering, here's my starters for this week:

QB Tony Romo, RB1 Clinton Portis, RB2 Chris Johnson WR1 Roddy White WR2 Marquis Colston TE Dustin Keller FLEX Hoosh K Nate Kaeding DEFENSE Giants

I might move RB LenDale White back into my lineup but then I realized that the Jets are actually pretty good against the run. Speaking of which, I went to the Jets/Patriots game in Foxboro last Thursday. Sure, I overpaid the scalpers but I didn't care as I got to watch the Jets defeat the Patriots in a fun game. Look, just because I live in Boston doesn't mean that deep down under all of my Red Sox/Celtics/Patriots gear lies a Jet fan.

In other news, I spent this past weekend in Miami. But before we get there, let's talk a little more wrestling.

Why Ted DiBiase is Better Than You!

Even though Ted DiBiase (Jr) hasn't done anything of note in the WWE, he will be starring in the sequel to the Marine. And don't even use the "Straight to DVD" excuse on this one – surely, you would fuck your way into a "Straight to DVD" movie if you could.

Why Small is Better Than You!

Long before it was cool, Small was the original member of the Great Khali bandwagon. Now, he's officially the largest face in sports entertainment! None of this is more apparent than his placement on Team HBK for this weekend's Survivor Series. While I doubt this face turn will lead to his ascension to the main event again, it does give me hope on the prolonged longevity of Khali's WWE career. Oh and I expect Khali to pin John Morrison before being eliminated by MVP. Cause the brotha needs to be paid!

…

KHALI!!!



In this week's Khali-For-All, I review The Great One's starring role in Get Smart.

As mentioned earlier in the Small-For-All, I went to Miami this past weekend. Seeing as it's a 3 and a half hour flight, I was lucky enough to get a movie on the flight. Thankfully, airlines haven't started charging for in-flight movies yet. While an in-flight movie always is a plus in my book, I was even happier that it was Get Smart.

Now, I missed Get Smart when it was originally in theatres. I can't recall a good reason as to why I missed it seeing as it has everything I would ever want in a movie: remake of a TV show I like + an awesome cast + the Great Khali. Kudos American Airlines for getting me to pitch a tent at 2:30 in the afternoon.

Overall, I thought the movie was good but nothing spectacular. Most of the funny lines were used in the trailers and I didn't find the supporting cast to be as funny as it could have been. That said, the Great Khali was wicked awesome in this movie. From no-selling falling out of an airplane to press slamming Steve Carrell to being a fan of Ryan Seacrest, Khali was the tits. If you haven't seen it yet, I would recommend it for Khali's performance and Anne Hathaway's cleavage. Oh and the Rock was his usual awesome self.

Huzzah.

Where to See Khali in 2009!

According to Gerweck, " Here are the 2009 PPV locations:

Royal Rumble: January 25th- Joe Louis Arena, Detroit MI

No Way Out: February 15th- Key Arena, Seattle WA

Wrestlemania 25: April 5th- Reliant Stadium, Houston TX

Backlash: April 26th- Dunkin' Donuts Center, Providence RI

Judgment Day: May 17th- Allstate Arena, Chicago IL

One Night Stand: June 7th- New Orleans Arena, New Orleans LA

Night of Champions: June 28th- ARCO Arena, Sacramento, CA

Great American Bash: July 26th- Wachovia Center, Philadelphia PA

Summerslam: August 23rd- Staples Center, Los Angeles CA

Unforgiven: September 13th- Bell Centre, Montreal CAN

No Mercy: October 4th- Mellon Arena, Pittsburgh PA

Cyber Sunday: October 25th- IZOD Center, East Rutherford NJ

Survivor Series: November 22nd- Verizon Center, Washington DC "

Good to see that Cyber Sunday and One Night Stand are still on the menu! I was afraid that with dropping buyrates, the WWE would go back to a 12 PPV schedule. Seriously, 12 PPVs just aren't enough. By the way, for those of you who live in Providence, I suggest you email JP to see if he's interested in attending the show.

Speaking of local New England PPVs…

What Will YOU Be Watching This Sunday?

Why, seeing Bolt of course. Macho Man has a feature role in it!

I had a chance at purchasing tickets for this show, but just to spite JP, I didn't. Ha, choke on that JP. Don't worry, JP doesn't hate me seeing as I purchased SIX tickets to Wrestlemania 25! Who's coming with me?

Anyway this coming Sunday is Survivor Series, one of my favorite shows. Yes, I won't be at the show live but I shall be appearing at the Hooters in Union, NJ in case you would like an autograph. Sure, I'll miss witnessing Beantown shitting on their hometown hero but dem's da brakes.

Here's the card for those in the know:

World Heavyweight Championship
Chris Jericho © vs. John Cena

WWE Championship
Triple H © vs. Vladimir Kozlov vs. Jeff Hardy (SPOILER)

Traditional Survivor Series Match
Team Batista (Batista, Punk, Kingston, M. Hardy & R-Truth ) vs. Team Orton (Orton, Rhodes, Benjamin, Regal, & Henry)

Traditional Survivor Series Match
Team HBK (HBK, Rey, Cryme Tyme, & the Great Khali) vs. Team JBL (JBL, Kane, Miz, Morrison, & MVP)

Traditional Survivor Series Match
Raw Divas vs. Smackdown Divas

Casket Match
The Undertaker vs. Big Show

While it's not the most stacked of cards, I'm always a sucker for traditional survivor series matches. Now I won't get my hopes up seeing as how the last few years went (the last memorable SS match was Team Bischoff vs. Team Austin from SS 2003), but they should still be fun. Stay tuned to 411 for all your live coverage needs.

Biten Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite dirtsheets:

The new WWE Universe website has launched officially (it first went up in April)!

Well considering they celebrated the 800th episode months later, this news isn't surprising.

Paul London was released for way too many reasons as explained in the Wrestling Observer. In brief, he was a pain in the ass backstage and dated locker room cancer Ashley Massarro.

I think we should all be happy London actually had a long WWE career considering he was nothing special on the microphone and his moveset failed to impress many. Seriously, kicks haven't been cool since Tajiri left.

Roddy the Piper is a pothead.

See it for yourself.

Piper!


This just in: RVD has resigned with the WWE!

DJ Gabriel is the rechristened Steve Lewington, who signed with the company following the 2007 European tour. Lewington was hired at the same time alongside Drew McIntrye, Sheamus O' Shaunessey, and a few others.

Well, at least Lewington received a gimmick when he debuted. McIntrye got nothing! He could have been a New Kid on the Block for Christ's sake!

WWE held another round of drug testing this past Monday before the ECW and Raw tapings.

Seeing as the company is looking to reduce expenses, now's not a good time to be smoking crack (unless you are on the creative team).

The WWE referee roster will be consolidated. Veterans will get priority treatment (Raw and Smackdown) while the newer refs will get to hone their skills on ECW and FCW.

Remember aspiring refs, don't fuck with Mike Chioda!


Party in the City Where the Heat is On!

After Wrestlemania 24 this past year, I had a newfound respect for the city of Orlando. Smoking hot chicks, a nice cigar lounge, and the best gay bar on the east coast and Orlando is not so bad. Now after spending this past weekend in Miami, all I have to say is fuck Orlando.

Now while I am no strip club connoisseur, I do likey a good lapdance every once in a while. After barhopping Friday night, I headed to what my cab driver referred to as the best strip club in Miami – Tootsie's. Kids, if you are ever in the Miami area (and are over the age of 21), I suggest making a trip to Tootsie's. You see, Tootsie's is like the Wal-mart of strip clubs: so much variety at a reasonable price.

Best of all, strippers are not forced on you. The one thing I hate about strip clubs is when strippers make you feel guilty about rejecting their offer. Look, I understand that all strippers are just students needing money for college, but that's no reason to make me feel bad. Thankfully, Tootsie's allows you to pick your stripper. Yes, think of yourself as Ash, and your main mission is to collect them all.


I Choose You, Ho.

Coming to a Wal-Mart Near You…

From the main page, "Here is the complete match listing for the Kurt Angle "Champion" DVD, which will be released on Tuesday, November 25th:
*Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe - Genesis 2006
*Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe - Turning Point 2006
*Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe - 30 Minute Iron Man Match- Final Resolution 2007
*Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles vs. Christian Cage vs. Chris Harris vs. Samoa Joe - TNA Title King of the Mountain - Slammiversary 2007
*Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe - Winner Take All Match- Hard Justice 2007
*Kurt Angle vs. Jay Lethal - X-Division Title Match- No Surrender 2007
*Kurt Angle vs. Sting - TNA Title Match...Bound For Glory 2007
*Kurt Angle vs. Sting - TNA Title Match...Impact 10/28/07
*Kurt Angle vs. Yuji Nagata - IWGP Title Match- Global Impact
*Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe -TNA Title Match- Lockdown 2008 "

This DVD = EPIC FAIL. Look, there's no reason why all there are zero TV matches on the DVD! Plus, who really wants FIVE Samoa Joe matches on this set. Sure, four out of five of them are really good matches but variety is the spice of life. There's really only one DVD set I can think of that should contain a full feud between wrestlers and that's a Chris Jericho/Shawn Michaels set. Angle vs. Samoa Joe is no Jericho/Michaels and I hate that half of this DVD is focused just on those matches.

Biten Newsbites

There's a good chance that TNA will release some of their lesser used wrestlers.

No, not Lance Rock!

TNA recently raised $98,000 for the KVB Sack Foundation, which will use the money to build two learning centers for the Boys & Girls Foundation.

Great news! It's always great when companies can give back to the local community. Nashville has been great to TNA when the company first started so it's nice that TNA reached back to the community. Kudos.

TNA is launching an official UK website.

This is a good idea for TNA seeing as they have the large task of filling venues that they should have never booked in the first place. The only problem here is that with TNA only visiting the UK perhaps twice a year, what will the other ten months focus on?

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Well I hope you like this week's "ode to the good ole days." As a writer, it was a nice change of pace. Perhaps the whole 75% bullshit/25% wrestling content doesn't hold up six years later, but it was worth a try.

I recap TNA Impact tonight!

Meehan's in tomorrow.

For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!