Your News, Cook's Views 11.25.08

Posted by Steve Cook on 11.25.2008

The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.

Hello everybody! It's your old friend Steve Cook, doing the ol' fill-in thing one last time before the esteemed Larry Csonka returns next week. I hope you all are well, and are ready for some wrestling news, some essays on random stuff, and turkey. OK, so there's no turkey…Csonka ate it all. He gets hungry sometimes, what can I say?

BUYS OR NO BUYS

Buys or No Buys is similar to what Larry used to do in discussing random events and small bits of wrestling news. BUYS or NO BUYS is a phrase Larry uses all the time, even outside of wrestling. In a way it is just another way of ranking GOOD or BAD. So each week Larry is gone I will continue to kick off the column with BUYS or NO BUYS, discussing the world of wrestling, this website and/or my life. Don't feel free to skip it, I will be terribly offended and will refuse to be your friend.

MANY BUYS to Thanksgiving! I hope all of my American readers have a fantastic Thanksgiving holiday! I sure plan on it, as I will be off of work from Thursday through Sunday, and my parents are heading out of town Saturday morning and will be gone for a week. Oh, it shall be glorious. OK, so I probably won't do anything too exciting with the parents gone, as a matter of fact I'll probably spend most of my time in front of the TV watching adult entertainment. But it should be a heck of a lot of fun in any event.

NO BUYS to my continuing eye issues. As some of you may know, I have had a chalazion on my eyelid for the past couple of months. I finally got to see an eyelid specialist yesterday, and they prescribed me more drugs and said to come back in a month. I am not exactly optimistic. But, they say it isn't that big and should heal without surgery. I sure hope so.

MANY BUYS to Randy Orton's theme music. I never got into HEY NOTHING YOU CAN SAY, but I'm digging I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD. I don't mind that being in my head so much.

NO BUYS to the Cincinnati Bengal & Louisville Cardinal football teams. I don't think I need to say any more than that.

MANY BUYS to beards. Many of the wrestlers at the ROH wrestlers were sporting them, and Csonka & myself are representing for the beard revolution here on the 411 staff. My beard is exceptionally manly and sexy. People with beards are automatically more wise and savvy than people without beards. It's a fact. And you know this…..mannnnnnnnnn.

NO BUYS to Stephen Randle, who not only didn't know AJ Styles wrestled in WCW, but has no idea that I've been filling in for Larry Csonka the past two weeks. I think I'll just chalk it up to his rampant Alzheimer's.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Am I the only person that was oblivious to all this hype about the Twilight movie?


Dixieland Developments and Diatribes:

The baby face group in TNA, who had been going by the name "TNA Originals," will be undergoing a name change, due to many of the guys not being TNA Originals. The new name will be used starting at either the Monday or Tuesday tapings.

Some have wondered why Sting doesn't take part in the beatdowns perpetrated by the Main Event Mafia. The answer to that question is that they're playing off "The Godfather" movie, and Sting's character watches the henchmen do his dirty work and doesn't get his hands all dirty. Also, when Sting eventually turns face (which he will), he can say that he never actually took part in that dirty stuff. So there you have it. I, for one, think it actually makes some sense, though maybe he should do some more talking and not let Kurt Angle talk all the time and seem like the leader of the group. Unfortunately, I think part of Kurt's contract with TNA is that he gets at least three promos per episode of Impact. So there's not much the Stinger can do about that.

In other Sting news, don't expect to see him on the UK tour. Shocking, I know. However, Doug Williams should be working the shows, so that TNA contract he got has been very useful so far.

Speaking of international stars, one may be brought in to face Awesome Kong at the next PPV. This makes sense because let's face it…there's nobody on the Knockout roster that people buy as a threat to Awesome Kong. Taylor Wilde might have beat her before, but that was a fluke. Roxxi? Pfft. Nobody is on Kong's level right now, so it makes sense to bring in some international challengers and see what they can do.

Speaking of foreign countries, TNA DVDs are now available in France. Now the Coneheads can finally figure out what TNA is all about. Wow, there's a dated reference.

The divorce between Kurt & Karen Angle is official. So expect them to get back together in two weeks.

Finally, TNA is interested in Super Crazy when his non-compete clause expires. Since he was known as Super Crazy before entering WWE, one assumes that he can keep his name in TNA. If not, might I suggest the name Duper Lazy?

Short Essay 1: Wrestling Books~!

Ever since I was a child, I have always enjoyed reading. While other kids found books to be boring, I used them as an escape from my otherwise meaningless existence and allowed them to take me into a different world and learn things I never would have learned from the people around me. I've gotten away from reading for pleasure the past few years due to a number of factors…during college I was reading plenty of things for schoolwork and didn't feel like reading during my free time. Since graduation, I've been busy with work-related nonsense & drinking. Also, maybe it's just me, but when you do a lot of writing you don't really feel the need to read what other people have to say very often. Recently I've tried to rectify that and have visited the library on a couple of occasions. I have read two wrestling books in the past couple of weeks, and now I would like to give you my take on them.

Ted Dibiase: The Million Dollar Man is the life story of one of my favorite professional wrestlers of all time. Recently my mother and sister were rummaging through the playroom downstairs and found my Million Dollar Man Wrestling Buddy, which I received as a Christmas present when I was 6. It is now placed on my bed when I'm not occupying it. No, I don't sleep with it. I don't sleep with anything or anybody, but that's another story for another time. The bottom line is that I'm a pretty big fan of Dibiase. That being said, I found myself somewhat disappointed with this book for a couple of reasons…

1. Dibiase already wrote one book chronicling his life. Every Man Has His Price: The True Story of Wrestling's Million Dollar Man was written back in 1997, without the backing of the WWF/E. There was some stuff after 1997 that was interesting to read about, like his stint as a WWE producer & his time in WCW, but a lot of it seemed like stuff I'd already heard about before.
2. Something that drives me crazy about most wrestlers' biographies these days is their tendency to have paragraphs written by other people. As a writer myself, I know that the only time I let other people write stuff for me is when I'm feeling lazy. It seems nice on the surface for Ted to give Bill Watts, Terry Taylor, Michael Hayes and others a chance to tell their side of the story, but it's really just a chance to fill space. Wrestling auto-biographies seem to rely on this crutch more than any other style of book, which is irritating from where I sit.
3. Some of the factual errors in the book just got on my nerves. Randy Savage had already turned face before WrestleMania IV, why Ted seems to think it happened during their match at that event I have no earthly idea. Also, there was no mention of the WXO. Whasupwitdat?

All in all, the book was decent, but I can't recommend it for anything more than a library check-out.

Unfortunately I still haven't finished the second book I want to discuss here. However, I can tell you that so far I have been very entertained by Gorgeous George: The Outrageous Bad-Boy Wrestler Who Created American Pop Culture. I'm going to assume that the vast majority of you are far too young to remember the days when Gorgeous George wasn't the ring name of Randy Savage's ex-girlfriend. Back in the 1940s and 1950s, Gorgeous George was one of the biggest stars in professional wrestling. His somewhat effeminate act set the stage for many cowardly heels to follow, and was one of the main attractions of early television. I am almost done with the book, and it's a very interesting tale of an interesting life. I highly recommend it, especially if you're a younger wrestling fan and don't know a lot about wrestling history.

I, for one, have a sudden urge to dye my hair blonde, put pins in it and walk around in extravagant robes. Who's with me?


Stamford Occurrences and Outbursts:

Lots of interesting things going on in WWE these days, with two new world champions that haven't been on television in months. I guess the main story this week was a story that wasn't actually real, the reported story that Jeff Hardy was rushed to the hospital Saturday night. Of course, it wasn't actually a story, but a lot of people seemed to buy into it. And we here at 411mania.com fully support WWE planting these stories for the Internet fans, because we got a bunch of hits over the weekend thanks to the Hardy "story". Keep up the good work, guys!

Relations between Vince McMahon & Hulk Hogan have taken a turn for the worse lately, as Hogan was told that he was not welcome at the recent Raw taping in Tampa. Reasons for this include the negative publicity around the Hulkster and his family (the divorce, Nick being a goofball), and Hulk's Celebrity Championship Wrestling show, which Vince apparently feels exposes the business. Yes, Vince McMahon is complaining about somebody exposing the business. Excuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor. Vince seems pretty serious about this, as WWE has decided to go after Ed Leslie and make him stop using the name Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake on the show. While Vince is right that the Brutus Beefcake character was a WWE creation, I'm not sure that Leslie's much of a threat to WWE at this point in his career. It's likely nothing more than WWE pissing and moaning about there being a wrestling show on television that isn't theirs. Eric Bischoff's blog on the subject is pretty good, I recommend checking that out if you haven't already.

Of course, CCW is on my shit list for kicking my girl Trishelle off last week. Booooooooooooo!

William Regal was eliminated about 11 seconds into his Survivor Series match because he was very ill with a cold/flu. Several members of the WWE roster got sick during the trip to Europe, and I can't decide whether to go with a Black Plague joke or not. Too soon?

With all the recent releases, WWE is still planning on bringing in more talent. Just last week they signed to contract one of wrestling's most famous sons…Dustin Rhodes. I used to laugh at people who said that nobody in WWE paid attention to TNA programming, but now I gotta admit that they're on to something. Because if they had seen anything Dustin did in his TNA stint, nobody would consider bringing him in. Unless Dustin shows up ultra-motivated and ready to kick some ass, I can't see how this would end up being a good thing.

Speaking of new talents, Kizarny & Milena Roucka will be appearing on WWE television tapings this week. I have no use for Kizarny, but can think of a few for the lovely Roucka. Oh yes.

And Ted Dibiase Jr. will be missing some time in order to film the sequel to John Cena's "hit" movie "The Marine". On the bright side, this is a good way for Young Ted to avoid more roster cuts.

Finally, rumor has it that Shawn Michaels has decided on a date for his retirement. Yes, it will be August 1, 2034.

Today in Wrestling History

· 1982 - Stagger Lee defeated Ted DiBiase for the Mid-South North American Heavyweight title
· 1985 - Fabulous Moolah (as the Spider Lady) defeated Wendi Richter for the WWF Women's title
· 1986 - Kareem Muhammad defeated Barry Windham for the Florida State Heavyweight title
· 1991 - Kamala defeated Jerry Lawler for the USWA Unified Heavyweight title
· 1991 - Robert Fuller & the Young Gun defeated Doug Masters & Bart Sawyer for the USWA Tag Team title
· 1992 - Event - Survivor Series, Richfield Coliseum, Richfield, OH
· 1995 - Tommy Rich defeated Brad Armstrong for the Smoky Mountain Heavyweight title

· 1976 - Born - Torch
· 1992 - Died - WTBS announcer Freddy Miller of a heart attack at 65

Today was a famous day for people posing as other people, as Stagger Lee was the alter ego of Junkyard Dog, who had lost a loser-leaves-town match to Ted Dibiase in Mid-South Wrestling and returned under a mask as "Stagger Lee". Moolah's match with Richter has become known as the Original Screwjob, which came about due to a dispute between Richter & the WWF over money. SS 1992 is probably most notable for being the first time Bret Hart had a singles match with Shawn Michaels on PPV. Freddy Miller was the only on-air member of the Georgia Championship Wrestling staff to not quit in protest when Vince McMahon bought the territory and their time on TBS. I have no idea who Torch is, and Ask 411 Wrestling's Chris Lansdell couldn't help me either. Readers?

Short Essay 2: The "New" ROH, Live & in Living Color!

On Friday night I attended Ring of Honor's latest offering to the fans in Dayton, Ohio. To be honest, Dayton is not one of ROH's strongest markets. They have a consistent crowd of somewhere between 500 & 600 wrestling fans…sometimes it goes a little bit up when there's a strong card advertised, but this was a pretty average card on the surface and had the feelings of a "let's take it easy before the big show" type of show, which Dayton usually gets stuck with due to Chicago being the next night. I don't fault ROH for giving Chicago better shows because it's a bigger market and has a bigger fanbase,

There was a Sara Del Rey sighting right as I entered the arena, as she was headed on her way out. Sadly I don't think she recognized me due to my beard. She walked past us again ten minutes later with her ring gear and makeup on, which led us to wonder where she went to change into her wrestling attire. It's possible the women's restroom wasn't very crowded, but maybe she went to her car or to the livestock area. Yes, there's a livestock area at the Montgomery County Fairgrounds. Why wouldn't there be? The only other woman on the show was Allison Wonderland, and I assume she doesn't have to do a lot of changing clothes to get into her character. Maybe somebody in the parking lot got a free show…the world will never know.

The first match I saw was Bobby Dempsey squashing a ninja. Oh, that always bodes well. The first match on the actual show was Brent Albright beating Davey Richards in what was at best a decent match. Maybe Albright's new hairdo led to me not enjoying the match as much…if you remember Steve Corino's haircut during his ROH run in 2006 it kinda looks like that. Not a good look.

Things went from "eh" to "oh no he diin't" when Nigel McGuinness came out to be interviewed by some schmuck. Nigel waved away the schmuck after the guy mumbled through a question, and informed the crowd that tonight's main event would be a non-title match. To say this deflated the crowd would be putting it lightly. In this day and age when most titles really don't mean all that much and are basically props, something like this probably shouldn't be a big deal, but it's still cool to see a world title match every now and then. Not to mention the announcement pretty much told the people "Nigel isn't winning tonight". Way to kill the suspense, yo.

Go Shiozaki beat three guys that really weren't on his level in a four-corner survival match. To be fair, Sami Callahan looks like he has some potential and there was some funny stuff with Rhett Titus, but the outcome was never really in doubt. This match did feature the most ridiculous weight announcement I've ever heard, as Grizzly Redwood was billed at 235 lbs. He's lucky if he weighs 135, to be honest with you. On the bright side, his beard reminds me of Evan Tanner's beard, which was amazing.

Next was the Briscoes going against the returning Irish Airborne. Jake & Dave Crist have spent most of their careers in the HWA promotion and used to be pretty over with the good people of Dayton. Now, the people chant "Fuck em up Briscoes, fuck em up" at them, when the Briscoes are allegedly the heels in the match. Not a good showing for Chris Lansdell's favorite tag team, and to make things worse Mark seemed to mess up his knee towards the end of the glorified squash. Not that a pesky knee injury would stop Mark Briscoe, but the short match they had the next night in Chicago seems to indicate he might need a little time off. Injuries suck, Irish Airborne sucks, so let's move on.

(And yes, Mark did injure his knee in the match. Boourns!)

And we moved on to a pretty darn good match between Roderick Strong & Chris Hero, which was a rematch of arguably the best match from the previous Dayton show. I was skeptical about the whole "Lights Out" business heading in, but they worked it really well and it was heading towards a lot of snowflakes until they had a screwjob finish for the sake of having a screwjob finish. Don't get me wrong, I understand the value of having a schmozz, and in the right situation it can be the right thing to do. The way they did it here served the purpose of getting nobody over and nobody got any heat except for referee Todd Sinclair, who doesn't need help getting heat in Dayton. So with that bad taste in our mouths, it was time for an intermission.

I'll take this time to note that the crowd wasn't actively annoying, though they were dead for a lot of the show. My one major complaint would be with the two people in front of me who stood up at every possible opportunity, even though they were in the front row. And what's the deal with the average size of a wrestling fan sitting in the front row being twice the size of everybody else in the building? These are the things I ponder while watching indy shows and trying to look around people standing in front of me for no apparent reason.

After intermission, Kevin Steen & El Generico defeated Jimmy Jacobs & Delirious in a very entertaining matchup. Steen & Generico are really fun to watch live with their interactions and Steen's yelling and screaming. Steen telling Generico to punch Delirious in the kidney and then pointing to where it was led to much hilarity and working of the kidney. See, that's the kind of old-school goodness that we like to see. It was somewhat disappointing that Steen didn't get any promo time to put over himself for living up to his promise of being a champion the next time ROH was in Dayton. Jacobs' new hairstyle still troubles me, but his beard has reached epic levels of awesomeness.

I should also point out that one of the people in front of me that liked to stand up a lot spent most of the match zooming in on Allison Wonderland with his digital camera. Kind of disturbing.

After that fun match, we got to see Bryan "Mr. Small Package" Danielson defeat Claudio Castagnoli. Good times here as well, as the sound guy finally got the hint and continued playing "Final Countdown" up to the sing-along part even though they had already started fighting. Yay sing-along! The match was a bit short by Danielson standards, but good for what it was. Claudio attacked Danielson with a chair afterwards, and Irish Airborne made the save to no pop at all. When you can't get cheered for saving AmDrag…I'm not liking IA's chances of sticking around.

And in our non-title main event, Austin Aries pinned Tyler Black while Nigel McGuinness spent most of the match resting. It was tough to pick a favorite in this match, as Nigel's a wanker, Black's part of the evil Age of the Fall, and Aries is an asshole. I think that led to some lack of reaction on the crowd's part here, and the psychology was kind of questionable as well. The highlight of the match was early on when Nigel got a near-fall on each man and then claimed that proved he was a better wrestler than them. Good times. Decent enough match, can't fault the effort, but ultimately nothing to write home about.

So after a sluggish start, the show picked up some momentum after intermission. The last three matches were perfectly acceptable wrestling, and although the show was a bit shorter than we've become accustomed to, I didn't mind getting home before all the fast food places closed. That being said, it kinda sucks for us Dayton fans that the next night's show was apparently pretty awesome and we got stuck with the B show. As usual. And they wonder why the attendance numbers in Dayton remain at pretty much the same level. I don't think this show will do much to help, but it should be noted that the new booking regime hasn't really taken control and totally started doing their own thing yet. By the time April rolls around, we should have a pretty good idea of what the new ROH is like.

If it involves more facial hair, I'm all for it.

Independent and International Insights~!

Rumor has it that the NWA is very interested in having Ric & Reid Flair involved with the new television show, which airs on…um, something or other. I think it's some Dish Network channel or something. Anyway, Ric would obviously not be wrestling, but would either serve as Reid's manager or as an authority figure. Because nothing says old-school wrestling like authority figures, right? I would say that using Ric as Reid's manager would be better than using him as an authority figure, but it's awfully tough for famous wrestlers' sons to get over when dear old Dad is standing right behind them. Then again, Reid's probably so green at this point in his career that asking him to get over on his own merits might be asking a bit much. So yes, I would use Ric as Reid's manager and forget about this authority figure nonsense that for the most part needs to go the way of the dodo.

Reid's first match will take place on December 6 in Charlotte, as he teams with his brother David against the Nasty Boys. He went to Missouri last week to train with Harley Race, and it should be mentioned that another of Race's trainees is none other than Ricky Steamboat Jr. I'm going to forewarn you all right now…the odds of these two kids replicating what their fathers did are about the same as the odds of the Cincinnati Bengals winning their final five games. So don't get your hopes up.

Cary Silkin is possibly more excited about the new direction of Ring of Honor than anybody else, mostly because he actually gets to have a say in what they put out there. So basically Cary owned ROH for like four years and never had any input on angles, matches, storylines or anything like that? Either that is a total load of BS (not Bolin Services), or Cary might be one of the dumbest promoters in the history of the business. Maybe it's just me, but if I were promoting a wrestling company I wouldn't let my booker shut me out totally from the process. Then again, I don't remember Ted Turner making any booking decisions in WCW.

Trish Stratus had her "Stratusphere" travel series picked up for a second season by Canada's Travel & Escape Channel. There has been talk of America's Travel Channel picking it up, but those are just rumors at this point. Anything getting Trish back on my television set is a good thing, and for her part Trish said recently that she hasn't ruled out a wrestling comeback.


FEEDBACK!



you neglected to mention that in reality, there was no cheating by Lita, Matt was never really fired, and this was a work...the second biggest thus far (right behind the Montreal Screwjob)...to get both Edge and Matt over as main eventers with massive heat.

Matt, sadly, wasn't able to run with it, but Edge...well...that storyline made Edge one of the biggest heels of the last 20 years. – Darth Mortis

Ladies and Gentlemen, comments like this are why I stopped writing Ask 411 Wrestling. Now, the majority of the readers were pleasant folk that enjoyed receiving information from your humble correspondent, but there were a few that had to rain on everybody's parade and claim that they knew everything. Montreal was a work. Randy Savage took Stephanie McMahon's virginity. Kane was one of Shawn Michaels' Knights at Survivor Series 1993. And you will not convince them otherwise, by cracky! Yeah, that scene got pretty old.

So...
Mistico is to CMLL, what Hayabusa was to FMW? – Travis

I called Mistico the John Cena of Mexico in another news column, and Hayabusa may be an even more apt comparison considering their in-ring styles. Good call, and let's hope Mistico doesn't end up in a wheelchair like Hayabusa did.

Where's that Hemme pic from? – Guest 132

I found it in the 411 archives, and unfortunately I don't know who originally found it and where they got it. Should that person be reading, they can feel free to reply.

the end of that Lita "rant": sexist crap. – guy incognito

Man, if you think that was "sexist crap", you should see some of the stuff that got cut out of last week's column. I don't wish to get too far into this subject, so let's just say that last week I was pretty bitter towards the opposite sex. There were some good woman-bashing bits that I wrote for the column, but I decided that they didn't add enough to the presentation and were just there for me to vent my frustrations. So I took them out. I am in a slightly better place this week, and my bitterness isn't as strong as it was.

"And you know this, how? Is a woman cheating on her boyfriend that far-fetched to you?"

It's not that the thought of a woman cheating on her boyfriend is farfetched to old Darthy-boy. It's the thought of actually having a girlfriend that is farfetched to the old cybersith.

Good work, Cook. You're a good man and I'd like to give you a good shagging. – Big Fat Fag

It's not too often that people tell me they want to give me a "good shagging". Regardless of the possible source, it is a self-esteem booster.

GOD BLESS YOU STEVE COOK

Cook's sendoff > Csonka's sendoff

Val + Victoria + Hemme + Tracy = I need a new pair of pants – Nick

Possibly too much information, but I appreciate the sentiment.

WTF!!! No Beautiful People this week!! OMG!! – Executioner1

The Beautiful People are under contract to Larry Csonka and his news productions. Here is a list of people some of the other 411 writers have exclusive contracts with:

Stephen Randle: Mickie "Moose" Knuckles
Jeff Small: Great Khali
Bayani Domingo: Asians & Latinas
Geoff Eubanks: Stacy Keibler
James Thomlison: Farm animals

It should be noted that Mathew Sforcina and I have joint-ownership of Victoria, though if he ever showed up in person wanting full ownership I would gladly let him have it. Dude's big, yo.

Plugs!

Buy or Sell!

High Road/Low Road!

Bond!

Rodriguez!

Short!

Triple Threat!

Politics!

A Beautiful Sendoff…