The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 12.11.08

Posted by Jeff Small on 12.11.2008

JBL vs. Joey Styles, the buy rate for Cyber Sunday tanks, Sunday’s WWE Armageddon PPV previewed, random news on Victoria retiring, HBK vs. Taker and more!

Does Anybody Read This? I really doubt it. For if anyone did, I think last week's infamous report would have went over a lot better. Such is life. Even though I really did not want to spend another week reading mail, it's imperative for me to wash the slate clean on my last Thursday.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Male, male…

SWAYZE!!!!!!!!!


Forget a real banner – I think this one's staying.

The mail was pretty evenly divided into two segments – those believing/not believing wrestling's incredible hookups and those thinking my list of TNA salaries was bullshit. I'll address both below.

First off is Polish Post: "Wow, holy filler Batman. This column this week is unacceptable."

Mr. Polish, you do realize I don't get paid for this. With that said, yes, last week was quite fillertastic! But what else do you expect from the gossip rag of 411? Oh that's right, lies about the Great Khali. Well you are in luck since there are plenty of those below!

Let's first address the wrestlers loving wrestlers segment. From Guest: "Yes, you can't just post a line about Trish Stratus being with Lillian Garcia without explanation."

Actually, I can and I did. Honestly, the real story (travel buddies turned Lillian fearing for Trish's safety) is just not as much fun. If you really want awesome Trish/Lillian stories, I have some fan fiction message boards I could send you where you can create your own fantasy.

From 411's own Michael O : "Great job Jeff, very entertaining, but I can't believe you didn't mention the rumoured tryst between Steph McMahon and Bruce Pritchard. Don't know if there is anything "there", but it seemed to have at least more cred than the Macho thing, which, best as I can tell, is pure fabrication that inexplicably picked up steam at some point."

Dude, I don't know why you are so skeptical about the Macho Man/Stephanie McMahon tryst. Macho said it himself best in his song "Macho Thang."

Girls in my face that look like playboy models
And when they hear Macho's voice their knees start to wobble

Read between the lines buddy – it's all about Steph here. As for the Steph/Bruce Pritchard love affair, I really wouldn't be surprised. Bruce was under the influence for most of the 90s.

As for the remainder of the hookup emails, I suggest you hit up the pinned thread on the 411 Message Boards. Now for the fun stuff, let's review some of the TNA salary comments.

First up is an email I received Thursday night from TNA's Website Director, Bill Banks. Yes, the real Bill Banks emailed me – the email address was legit. Here's what someone who is actually on the inside had to say about the salaries: Just wanted to let you know the salary figures you listed are COMPLETELY inaccurate and horribly off. Whoever came up with those figures is a complete moron.

Well I appreciate Bill for not calling me a moron since I didn't make up the list. Unfortunately, Bill did not actually send me the real figures. I guess he's too busy updating the TNA Top 10 Merchandise List for JP.

Others agreed with Bill about the inaccuracies of the list. Now, I made sure to mention that the list could be entirely inaccurate last week, but I still wanted to post it for some talking points. Probably the biggest talking point about the list dealt with my comments on Curry Man. I wrote:

"Looking over this list, one thing is definitely apparent: TNA really needs a roster cut as they drastically overspend on wrestlers' salaries. There's no reason why TNA is spending $300,000 on nothing more than a comedy character (Curry Man)."

Some commenters interpreted this as I wanted TNA to cut Christopher Daniels. That's not what I meant. What the above states is that TNA should not be paying $300,000 to have Christopher Daniels portray nothing more than a curtain-jerking comedy character. You best believe that Santino Marella does not make anywhere near that amount. Hell, TNA could have easily thrown $100,000 at American's Next Top Olive Garden Chef Justin Credible if they needed a comedy character so bad. Thankfully, it looks as if Curry Man is no more (SPOILER) and Daniels will return to collect his fat paycheck.


Now that's an incredible meatball!

FINAL THOUGHTS

Regardless if you liked last week's news report or not, you can admit that you were at least entertained (or heated). Even if both stories wind up to be nothing more than the fabrication of some basement dweller, there are two important lessons to be learned here. First, in the case of wrestler hookups, we all learned that the wrestling business is a seedy place where interoffice relationships are as common as incoherent storylines. Second, in the case of TNA salaries, we now know that the wrestling business is unfair. Even if the numbers are off, it's safe to assume that the TNA Knockouts do not make anywhere near their male counterparts and the WWE rejects have make more money than most of the TNA Originals. Even Cute Kip.

And with that I'm done talking about last week's news report.

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Welcome back to the FINAL Thursday Small-For-All News Report. Starting next week, I take over Tuesdays while boss man CSONKA will occupy this spot. Honestly, when I received the email from Larry asking if I would switch slots, I thought he was banishing me back to the weekends. Thankfully, this was not the case and I'm moving to really the only other day I would want to work. So while I'm a little sad that I'm leaving Thursdays after two years, I know we will have fun on Tuesdays. Plus, I travel a lot less on Mondays so you will actually get more Small than you do now!

With that said, even though I'm not leaving 411, you best believe I'm throwing myself a goodbye party this week! In addition to that segment, we will speak on the power of the punch, why Cyber Sunday flopped, preview my final PPV, and possibly even mention TNA. But before all of that, it's time to talk Punjabi with the Great Khali!

KHALI!!!!!!!!!!!!



Now I hope all of you witnessed the crowning moment in the Great Khali's wrestling career. Hell, if he didn't eat twelve chickens and drink two gallons of whole milk before pleasuring six of the Punjabi's finest women last Christmas, I would say this past Monday might have been the best night of his life. For those of you who missed it, you can watch the segment below:



At the 4:14 mark, you can clearly see Mickie James going at it with the Great Khali. Granted, Mickie has done some distinguished acting in the past but DAMN, it really looked as if she wanted the Great Khali! And really, who could blame her? Not only does Khali have more swagga than the average Old Spice commercial, but he was wearing his special "Sex Panther" lip gloss. Plus did you see how pimptastic he looked in that suit? I reckon that he gives Batista a run for his money in suit wearin'.

Now while making out with Mickie James was clearly the highlight of his week, he also won a Slammy! Khali will now be placed in the history books along with such legends like Charlie Haas, George "The Animal" Steele, Ahmed Johnson, and some guy named Rocky Maivia. If Khali does not win 411's Wrestler of the Week this week, I riot! Who's with me?

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Get the F Out!

The big story this week revolves around an incident during the Tribute to the Troops tour. Joey Styles, after listening to JBL constantly taunt him throughout the tour, dropped his ass with a super uppercut. Yes, little fatty Joey Styles, knocked big fatty JBL the fuck out. If the WWE does not book a Joey Styles vs. Floyd Mayweather Wrestlemania 25 match, then they are fools.

The main question you might be asking (especially if you didn't read the newspiece that is floating around the main page) is why did Joey Styles have to retaliate against JBL. Well, it's common knowledge that JBL is a bully backstage especially to rookies. Now while Styles is not a rookie in the WWE, this was his first trip to Iraq (loyal WWE viewers might recall that Styles did commentate on one of the Tribute shows, only he did so from Stamford, CT). JBL took it upon himself to berate Styles, spill a drink on him, and possibly even soap his ass in the shower (ask Paul London about that). Clearly, Styles was the easiest prey for JBL as he wouldn't try to haze Kelly Kelly with Batista being around; he wouldn't go after R-Truth since R-Truth would probably fuck him up worse; and he definitely wouldn't haze Heidenreich because he would have been raped… in the ass.

Unfortunately, this incident will not lead to anything more than what has already happened. The WWE would never post this story since it would not lead to a scripted match. Joey Styles might mention this on some RFShoot video in ten years but by that time, no one would have remembered this. JBL surely will not mention this to anyone since he has to relive this moment for the rest of his life. Poor JBL.

If a PPV happened and no one purchased it, did it ever happen?

According to Lords of Pain, "This year's Cyber Sunday only drew an estimated 104,000 PPV buys in North America (162,000 overall), making it the third lowest purchased PPV in WWE history. Last year's Cyber Sunday show did 194,000 buys, with Batista vs. Undertaker (with Steve Austin as the referee) for the World Heavyweight title in the main event."

Wow. Make no mistake about it – that buyrate sucks. What makes matters even worse is that it was a steep drop-off from No Mercy, which happened three weeks earlier. No Mercy drew 238,000 total buys (150,000 North American) which means that one-third of that audience decided to skip Cyber Sunday. Considering No Mercy 2008 was down from last year (the 2007 edition drew 271,000 buys) and 2008's buyrates are not looking pretty for the WWE.

Now why did Cyber Sunday bomb so badly this year? Well, in addition to having a card that meant nothing in the long run (hell, I had to look up the main event), the WWE made the awesome decision to charge money for voting. I firmly believe that one of the main reasons why Cyber Sunday drew decently in the past was due to fans purchasing the show to see if their votes actually mattered. If prior PPV subscribers refused to pay money to vote, then they probably also refused to purchase the show. With so many options on television, the WWE needs to give fans enough reasons to purchase a show. Overall, the WWE has done a good job in getting fans interested in many of their B shows – gimmicks such as ladder matches, scramble matches, and elimination chambers have been used – but clearly failed in this case. Someone needs to inform Vinnie Mac that Stone Cold is not a draw in 2008.

What makes matters worse for the WWE is that some of their "competition" has recently posted very impressive buy rate numbers. Last week's De la Hoya/Pacquiao boxing match is estimated to have done 1.25 million buys (which beats this year's Wrestlemania) according to ESPN. Also, the most recent UFC Show featuring Brock Lesnar is estimated to have done around 1 million buys. This goes to show that the public is willing to purchase a sporting event if there's a money match. Unfortunately, the WWE does not have a money match to match their competitor's buyrates.

Biten Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources!

Victoria might be retiring in the near future.
Honestly, Victoria hasn't impressed me since she stopped wearing those really short shorts that showed off her butt. The lack of TATU theme music also has hindered her progression. If she leaves, so be it.

Michelle McCool's "Angel Wings" finisher has been banned due to being too devastating.
Expect her to unleash a submission move that the Undertaker has taught her. Rumor has it that the Undertaker practiced the gogoplata on McCool before unleashing it on the rest of the roster.

Bruce Prichard was fired due to a behavior incident on the road.
He commented that Triple H's hair was getting a little greasy.

Shawn Michaels has pitched a storyline to wrestle the Undertaker at Wrestlemania.
Rumor has it that the Undertaker will destroy the Elimination Chamber that took HBK thirty hours to build. On a sidenote – wouldn't it be funny if the Undertaker was placed in a Money in the Bank match? Now that would cause some drama!

DH Smith is expected to debut soon on Smackdown along with TJ Wilson.
Honestly, I'm more interested in knowing which Diva he will fuck before failing another Wellness test.

Edge will soon be undergoing a wardrobe change. Seeing as I broke the news about his beard, it's only fair for me to show you what Edge's new trunks will look like.




Armageddon 2008 Preview

This will be my final PPV preview. Considering I rarely remember when shows are on, I think this is a segment that will not be missed. Here's the card for Sunday's show:

World Heavyweight Championship Match
John Cena © vs. Chris Jericho

WWE Championship
Edge © vs. Triple H vs. Jeff Hardy

ECW/Non-Title Match
Matt Hardy © vs. Vladimir Kozlov

Belfast Brawl
Mark Henry vs. Finlay

The Finals of the IC Tournament
Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk

Grudge Match
Randy Orton vs. Batista

From the Smackdown spoilers, I would not be surprised if they added either a Tag Team Championship match or a US Championship match to round out the card. Even though the PPV appears to be stacked, there's no buzz for this show. Last year's show had me excited due to Chris Jericho's return. This year, the only match that truly interests me is Mysterio/Punk which was only announced on Monday. Orton/Batista feels flat so I'm hoping the match is short and features an early Legacy run-in. If they decide to do a big-match between the two men, then this match will go down with Summerslam's Batista/Cena match as one of the biggest disappointments of the year. As for the two championship matches, both feel predictable. With both Cena and Edge winning the titles last month, I can't see either of them losing the belt here. Rather, I'm more interested in which superstar the WWE will screw over in the triple threat match. Whichever man is screwed over will receive the Wrestlemania title shot (Jeff Hardy) while the other man (Triple H) will get the Rumble title shot.

Stay tuned to 411 on Sunday for live coverage and if you're lucky, I'll be on hand for the Instant Access.


NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Genesis Spoilers

Announced for Genesis are:

TNA Title
Sting © vs. Rhino

Grudge Match
Kurt Angle vs. Jeff Jarrett

The Finals of the X-Division Tournament

I'm a little surprised that TNA decided to run with a Sting/Rhino program considering Rhino lost cleanly this month to Kurt Angle. The main problem already with the MEM/Frontline storyline is that the heels have looked so dominant over the last few months that there's already no credible face challengers. Samoa Joe lost to Sting at Bound For Glory, to Nash at Turning Point, and now was pinned at Final Resolution. AJ Styles lost at Turning Point. Rhino's recent push led to a Final Resolution loss. None of the babyfaces have any momentum which makes it difficult for fans to get any interested in the feud. It looks as if TNA will need Sting to make a face turn once every member of the Frontline is exposed as a loser.

As for the Kurt Angle/Jeff Jarrett match, I'm just hoping they don't do a Jarrett's kids on a pole match. If they keep it simple and heated, then it's a plus.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Well, I hoped you enjoyed my two year run on Thursdays. Starting this Tuesday, expect a new and improved Small-For-All. I have a few new ideas floating in my head which will be implemented over the course of the next month. I hope you join me…

I asked JP to say a couple of nice words on my move to Tuesdays. Unfortunately, he was too busy complaining being still stuck on Saturdays! Ha, suck on it, JP!

So if JP won't leave a few kind words, allow me to end with what you will come to expect on Thursdays.

A Beautiful Sendoff



For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!