The Piledriver Report 12.17.08: Christmas Shopping for the Superstars

Posted by Ronny Sarnecky on 12.17.2008

With snow falling on the ground, and the holidays drawing near, it’s time for to go shopping for our favorite wrestlers, in this flu-ridden edition of “The Piledriver Report.”


It's the most wonderful time of-of-of-aaaaa-choooo, the year. While it maybe Christmas time, it is also flu season, and yours truly has gotten the bug. Never fear, as "The Piledriver Report" must go on. However, if this edition is shorter then usual, that's the cause.

Over the next nine days, I have a lot of shopping to do. So little time, and so many wrestlers on the list. Some may be naughty. Others may be nice, but all are equally deserving. Here is my Christmas list for the boys and girls of the sports entertainment industry:

The movie "The Wrestler:" an Oscar nomination for Best Picture. While I haven't seen it yet, the reviews have been sparkling. If the movie is as good as the reviews, an Oscar nomination would help bring the world of professional wrestling into a light that not even Hulk Hogan or The Rock could provide.

Mickey Rourke: an Oscar for Best Actor. Like the movie itself, Rourke's performance is getting rave reviews. Plus, any actor who would intentionally blade himself to make a movie deserves to get an award.

Edge: I have two Christmas gifts for him. The first is a long WWE World title reign where he pins Triple H clean in a singles contest at WrestleMania 25. He deserves to be the #1 superstar on SmackDown! for a long time. The second would be to be reunited with long-time friend Christian and his pal Tyson Tomko in a better version of La Familia. Maybe Christian can show up at the Royal Rumble to get Edge his title back.

John Cena: A year's worth of health. I may not be a fan of his hip-hop, pandering to 10 year olds character. However, the man is the hardest working performer in the business between wrestling, shooting movies, and promotional appearances. It would be nice for him to stay healthy, even though that would probably mean a year's worth of RAW is CENA. A second gift for him would be for him to turn heel. Half the audience has been booing him for years. I think Cena would shock the world and become a really good heel, one that the fans would eventually get behind as the "cool heel." Then the WWE could turn him face, and everybody will probably cheer him.

Batista: I am giving him something that he's been wanting for a long time already. I give him some time off. This gives him the break that he has been yearning for, and it gets him off of my TV. It's a win-win situation. Sorry, I'm not a fan of the "Animal," although maybe his heel turn will change my opinion.

Sting: I give him a run in the WWE. If for any other reason then for there to be a great DVD made of his career, and for him to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. In WCW, Sting was a superstar. However, if he ever went to the WWE, during his prime, he would have been a megastar.

Samoa Joe: A long title reign where he was booked strongly, like a bad ass Mike Tyson in his prime strong.

CM Punk: A permanent position in the main event picture. He went from mid-carder to champion to teaming with Kofi Kingston in the same year. After losing the World title, the WWE needs to keep him strong, and in the main event level.

Shawn Michaels: I give him the winning numbers to the Mega Millions PowerBall, so he can support his family, and no longer work for JBL. I also give him a year of complete health, and no nagging injuries. This way, we can enjoy the greatness of Shawn Michaels a little while longer.

Joey Styles: An invitation to compete on the next season of "The Ultimate Fighter."

Paul Heyman: I give him a wrestling company where he has full creative control, and someone else to run the business side for him. TN, cough-cough, A.

Hulk Hogan: A year without controversy, another year as host of the American Gladiators, and the best wrestling show on TV, "Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling." I also give him a truce with Vince McMahon, so he can appear at WrestleMania. My final gift is a lawyer who is good enough that the Hulkster doesn't lose half of everything he's made to Linda.

Triple H: After having two daughters, I give Hunter and Stephanie their first son. I also give Triple H time away from the spotlight. When was the last time, title or no title, that Triple H was not the main focus on his show (of course not counting his injury absences). I also give him the security to be able to put others over, and make others look good without thinking it will make him look bad.

The Miz/John Morrison: I remove the title of "longest reigning tag team champions in recent memory" to "longest reigning WWE Tag Team champions in history. They are an awesome duo, and I'd hate to break them up.

Kurt Angle: A drug free and injury free return to the WWE. While your name value is great to TNA, the WWE has been missing something without you there.

Santino Marella: A physique like John Morisson and about 3 inches in height. If he had that, he would go from mid card comedy act to headliner because he is that damn good on the mic.

Kelly Kelly: On on-screen marriage with Mr. Ken Kennedy, this way her new name will be Kelly Kelly Kennedy……Kennedy! Also, improved wrestling skills to make her the new version of Trish Stratus.

The WWE's Women's division: Actual women who can wrestle. Remember the Attitude Era. Women's matches back then were no cause for a bathroom break. Some of their matches were better then the guys.

Randy Orton: Continued success as a main eventer. It took a long time for Randy to get his groove back following his awful face turn in 2004. He finally has his mojo back, and let's keep it going for him.

Stephanie McMahon: I give her the creative genius of Paul Heyman and Vince McMahon, minus the fifth grader sense of humor. Wrestling has been needing another boom period since the Monday Night Wars ended in 2001. It's up to the WWE creative team, and Stephanie McMahon, to provide us with compelling television that will help BOOM the business once again.

Chris Jericho: A long World title reign as a heel where beats all comers. After taking more then a year off, Jericho got off to a slow start in his late 2007 return. However, in the last eight months, Jericho has put in the greatest performances of his career.

Jeff Hardy: A year where he stays clean and sober.

Cody Rhodes/Ted DiBiase/Manu: Continued development as the future of pro wrestling, as well as a huge rub as part of Randy Orton's second-generation group, which I would also include Harry Smith in.

John Bradshaw Layfield: The protective services of the A.P.A. Somewhere the Blue Meanie is laughing. OH MY GOD!!!

Jaime Noble: A Diva to be his love interest. He was awesome trying to court Layla:

Evan Bourne: A quick recovery, and a permanent move to RAW.

Rey Mysterio, Jr: A tag team with Borne to have a feud filled with long matches against Morisson/The Miz.

Shelton Benjamin: The mic skills to match his wrestling skills, and a main event push to go with it.

The Big Show: a storyline where Show could display more of his comedic talent. Also, a feud against someone where he can get a rivalry going against a "Big" John Studd type performer.

The Brian Kendrick: About 6 inches and 50 pounds, so he can fulfill his destiny as the 2000s version of Shawn Michaels.

MVP: A trip out of the WWE doghouse and into the main event scene. I think he's been punished enough.

Mr. Kennedy: The main event momentum that he lost following his draft to RAW in 2007.

The Undertaker: A high profile feud with Triple H. It's been a long time since these two feuded against each other.

AJ Styles: A continued run as the company's top babyface.

Christopher Daniels: A return, and main event push as the "Fallen Angel," and not some geek in a mask.

Motor City Machine Guns: A reign as the TNA World Tag Team Champions.

LAX: I give them the license to NEVER break up as a team. They are awesome together. Why ruin a good thing?

Vince Russo: I give him brains to book like he did pre-WCW (although he did have Vince's veto power behind him). To reignite the X-Division after he killed it, and to stop all of the damn gimmick matches and run ins. Bring TNA back to the days of when EVERY pay per view was an awesome pay per view.

Dixie Carter: The money and ability to make TNA true competition for the WWE.

Vince McMahon: Many, many more years of healthy living. Do you really want to see a WWE run by Shane/Steph/Hunter? Also, I give him the Midas touch to make his product "hot" again. I also give him the patience that he needs to stop screaming at his announcers, which led to Mick Foley's departure.

To Ring of Honor: A late evening weekend timeslot on a cable TV station like Madison Square Garden Network, where I can watch a true wrestling alternative on a weekly basis, ala the old ECW shows. Man, do I miss them.

To 411mania: Continued success at being the best wrestling/sports/entertainment Internet site on the world wide web.

To "The Piledriver Report:" To always have a complete supply of topics to write about, and never get writer's block.

To wrestling fans, readers of this site, and fans of this column: I give you an exciting year of wrestling action to enjoy, and hopefully a years worth of columns that you enjoy just as much.

Have a Happy Holiday.

Ronny Sarnecky
The Piledriver Report