The Wrestling Doctor 12.30.08: Predictions for 2009

Posted by W.S. Thomason on 12.30.2008

The Wrestling Doctor gets all Nostradamus.

THE WRESTLING DOCTOR

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THIS WEEK"S PATIENT: PREDICTIONS FOR 2009

One of my favorite features of the old year-end issues of Pro Wrestling Illustrated was the fan predictions for the upcoming year. My favorite prediction of all time was (I believe for 1989) that Abdullah the Butcher would eat Jeff Jarrett. That did not happen (or maybe it did and JJ slid out the back – he was much smaller back then) but maybe some of this stuff will.

WWE

• The WWE will release DVDs of Chris Jericho, Batista, JBL, Ricky Steamboat, Rick Rude, Arn Anderson, a Triple Threat match collection, a Clash of the Champions three-disc set, and the Survivor Series Anthology. My dreams of William Regal and Dean Malenko compilations will once again be dashed against the rocks of Stamford, CT.

• Raven will win the lawsuit arguing that wrestlers are employees, and WWE stock and profits will plummet immediately, making an already challenging financial situation much, much worse. The entertainers wrestlers themselves will not immediately enjoy any benefits from the decision due to numerous appeals.

• The WWE will have to combine Smackdown and ECW into a one-hour show due to falling revenue, rising production and employee staffing costs, and the sudden collapse of My Network TV. The one hour Smackdown show will be taped prior to or after Raw each week (depending on time zone). Both Raw and Smackdown will continue to be distinct brands that tour separately for house shows.

• As a result of the Smackdown / ECW merger, the WWE Title will be unified with the ECW Title; the World and WWE Tag Team Titles will be unified and moved to Smackdown; the Women's and Diva's Titles will be unified and moved to Raw; and the Intercontinental and US Titles will be unified and moved to Raw.

• Triple H, MVP, Mark Henry, and John Morrison will end up on Raw while Matt Hardy, Christian, Kofi Kingston, and The Miz will go to Smackdown:

• The WWE will headline a pay-per-view with an Evolution explosion triple threat: Triple H vs. Randy Orton vs. Batista (probably at Summerslam or Survivor Series, once Batista returns).

• A tag team match or handicap match will be the main event on 41 different Raws in 2009.

• Mickie James will turn out to be Kelly Kelly's love interest. As a result, Kleenex will become a sponsor of Raw.

• JBL and the WWE will amicably part ways at the end of the year. The decision will be largely based on Bradshaw desire to take on more prominent commentary roles on Fox News as a means of preparing for a political career.

• The following talent will be released for a variety of reasons, most notably cost-cutting and token Wellness Policy violations: Mike Knox, Jamie Noble, Cryme Tyme, D-Lo Brown, The Brian Kendrick, R-Truth, Dolph Ziggler, Ricky Ortiz, Paul Burchill, Katie Lea, Eve Torres, Jimmy Wang Yang, Ryan Braddock, Scotty Goldman, Zack Ryder, Curt Hawkins, Bam Neely, The Boogeyman, and Gavin Spears. Kendrick, Burchill, Katie Lea, Knox, Brown, Yang, and Neely will all be picked up by TNA. However, the WWE will continue the tradition of most American corporations and not delete its multitude of redundant executive positions.

• Michael Cole will choke on the word "vintage," while a battery of gastrointestinal tests on Joey Styles will reveal an allergy to the phrase "WWE Universe."

• Umaga will turn face.

• The WWE will sign Christian Cage as rumored, and also Rhino and Velvet Sky away from TNA.

• Chris Jericho will become the General Manger of Raw.

• Partial predictions for Wrestlemania XXV :
World Title: John Cena vs. Randy Orton
WWE Title: Jeff Hardy vs. Triple H vs. Edge vs. Mr. Kennedy
ECW Title: Matt Hardy vs. Christian
Steve Austin vs. Chris Jericho – Chuck Norris will be involved
The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels
Beth Phoenix vs. Santino Marella


TNA

• Jeff Jarrett will win one last World Title in TNA before dropping it to Samoa Joe at Bound for Glory.

• Chris Harris will return to TNA, but will have to swallow some serious pride before getting much attention.

• TNA will release Vince Russo mid-summer after ratings and buy-rates continue to stagnate; it will not help much, however, as the company will not change its business, hiring, and production practices.

• Jeremy Borash will be arrested for underage drinking, even though he is actually 34 years old.

• Gene Snitsky will join TNA and engage in a three-way feud with Matt Morgan and Abyss.

• Sabu will return long enough to participate in the Monster's Ball match at Bound for Glory.

• The second Deuces Wild Tournament will feature an interesting concept where each TNA entrant is randomly paired with a mystery partner who is not revealed until Sacrifice. All excitement will be sucked out of the event after the mystery wrestlers are revealed to be Norman the Lunatic, Tatanka, Luther Reigns, Bob Backlund, Wendell Cooley, Wolfie D (as Slash), Mike Enos, and Bryan Clarke.

• Hernandez will win the X-Division Title.

• Kevin Nash will tear something.

• Kurt Angle will star in Saw VI, German suplexing Jigsaw into a giant running table saw.

• TNA will attempt to engineer an unsuccessful "invasion" of Axxess during the elongated Wrestlemania XXV weekend. The talent will be reluctant to participate and the stunt will end up being another embarrassment. TNA will still air the footage, however.

• RVD will not join TNA, but that fact will not stop readers from posting "RVD!" in the comments section an average of 171 times per TNA-related item.


GENERAL

• The critical success of The Wrestler at the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards will spark a brief Hollywood studio obsession with wrestling, resulting in other wrestling-based works becoming films as well as original scripts. My money is on Buddy Cooper Finds A Way by Neil O'Boyle Connelly being in production by the summer (give it a read).

• The Wrestler will also spark a renewed investigative interest in professional wrestling, with several cable news specials claiming to expose the seedy side of the business. No one will care.

• Many wrestling companies will fold, including PWG, WWC, IWA, and at least one major Japanese promotion (maybe New Japan). There will be fewer wrestling companies active at the end of 2009 than at any other time in the television era.

On that positive note – Happy New Year! I'll be off until Jan. 20. See you then.