The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 01.06.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 01.06.2009

Car Crash Segments, Khali’s the Man, 2008’s Biggest Loser, Kovloz is Outed, and the latest on Kurt Angle’s new girlfriend!

MS Word 2007 sucks. Seriously, if I wanted distracting graphics, three inch menus, and a fancy background, I'd watch porn. What I really want is a simple fucking word processor. Thank God, I don't have Vista (yet!).

SWAYZE!



My life's a mess kids. Over the past two weeks, my vehicle has broken down twice, my lovely personal computer lost a battle with Virtumonde, and I've been dealing with silly Canadians ever since I've moved to Tuesdays. Worst of all, I had a brainfart in last week's news report. I wrote:

"Think of all the successful post-Wrestlemania debuts in the past: MNM, Umaga, Brock Lesnar, and, um, Kenzo Suzuki. After Wrestlemania is the perfect time for newcomers after all big-time programs have ended. Now if the new Hart Foundation does not debut next April, then we can speak on this epic failure."

Of course, I was missing out on the BIGGEST post-Wrestlemania debut. Thankfully, reader The Great Adam was kind enough to point out my oversight. He commented, "GASP!! How can you forget the most successful post-wrestlemania debut EVER....THE GREAT KHALI! His single Khali-chop to KO The Undertaker the Smackdown after WM 22 was a day of INFAMY! Shame on you for forgetting this glorious day!"

Yo Adam, when did you become a robocop? Sure I am surprised I forgot Khali too but it's not the end of the world. That will be coming right up…

KHALI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



In this week's Khali-For-All, we have two major topics to speak on. I'll save the best for last.

First, I must say that I am quite flabbergasted at how well the Great Khali has gotten over as a face both on-screen and in the IWC. While I will not give myself 100% of the credit here (more like 73.7%), I know these Khali-For-Alls bring a lot of joy to the Internet Community. Case in point: if you were to surf over to the 411 Forums, there's a "Great Khali Appreciation Thread" in the Smackdown folder. Surely that has nothing to do with Khali's recent impressive matches with MVP or his love affair with the Great Khali. I thank you guys for all your love and I know Khali loves you all too.

Second, and of much more importance, the Great Khali was featured in the biggest storyline of last week: the Vickie Guerrero nude photos saga. From what appeared to be a random joke in Goldust's holiday segment turned into a storyline that impacted the Smackdown roster. The Cerebral Assassin, Triple H, told the WWE Universe how those same Vickie Guerrero nude pictures were up for auction on the internet. Thankfully for us, the winner of the auction was the Punjabi Playboy, the Great Khali, who posted the pictures on WWE.com.

And if you do not think that I'm about to show the world, my favorite Vickie Guerrero nude; well, you have another thing coming.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

Suck on it Randle…


I have two words for you: Nice Box

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Before you immediately blow up the comments section with "How could you post that nude picture, Small?" do realize it's not the worst thing I could have posted. For I have witnessed the Amy Winehouse topless pictures. Those things are not pretty.

In today's edition of the Small-For-All, I spoil Jeff Hardy's Wrestlemania plans in detail, dive into 2008's biggest winners and losers, out Vladimir Kovloz, and most importantly, reveal Kurt Angle's rebound girlfriend! And if you boys and girls are lucky, I'll end the news report on a happy note. (And no, I'm not retiring!)

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Crash TV Indeed

In last week's Small-For-All, I mentioned how there were backstage talks of a Jeff Hardy vs. Christian match at Wrestlemania 25. One week later and the entire Jeff Hardy/Christian storyline has already been fleshed out. For those of you who do not want to be spoiled on Wrestlemania storyline, I suggest skipping to the next news bite.

According to the Wrestling Observer, "WWE has already started the creative process of the return of Christian. Edge will cost Jeff Hardy the title, and reveal Christian as the "mystery person" who attacked Jeff the morning of Survivor Series. Triple H vs. Edge and Jeff Hardy vs. Christian is the current plan for WrestleMania 25. Jeff will get a chance to win back his title at WrestleMania by winning the Royal Rumble or in an Elimination Chamber at No Way Out against Edge, but will pass on the title shot for a grudge match against Christian."

So you are probably asking yourself – "Why would Jeff Hardy give up a Wrestlemania title shot considering that's the main goal for the majority of wrestlers?" Well, Sherlock, you see Survivor Series was only the beginning of Christian's attack. For it continues on Smackdown!

According to Figure 4 Wrestling, "An angle involving Jeff Hardy and his fiancée Beth will be inserted into this Friday's edition of SmackDown. WWE is doing an angle where Hardy and his fiancée are injured in a hit-and-run auto accident in the WWE Champion's hometown of Cameron, North Carolina. Christian Cage will likely be revealed as the perpetrator when the time comes to be. Jeff will be okay, but his fiancée will apparently be seriously injured in the storyline."

Well now, it seems suitable for Jeff Hardy to give up a Wrestlemania title shot. Granted, I'm not a fan of attempted vehicular homicide, but at least it's a step up from Christian placing Caprici salad in Jeff Hardy's desk. I'm also not a fan of Hardy being able to compete at the Royal Rumble two weeks after being in an auto accident but then again, I don't watch wrestling for its realism. All I do know is that Jeff Hardy will be still getting a large push heading into Wrestlemania, which I'm a fan of.

With that said, I'm not so excited with a Triple H vs. Edge main event. The two men had a lackluster match at last year's Great American Bash and the idea of HHH walking out of Houston as WWE Champion again is not too appealing. Hopefully, John Cena vs. Randy Orton (the rumored Raw main event) or the Great Khali vs. Kenny Rodgers (because he doesn't want no chickenheads) will close out the show.

2008's Biggest Winners and Losers!

According to PWInsider, here are last year's biggest winners and losers (includes televised and non-televised matches)!

Most Matches
1. CM Punk (174) 2. Kane (162) 3. Shelton Benjamin (147)

Most Wins
1. Triple H (125) 2. CM Punk (119) 3. Kofi Kingston (105)

Highest Winning Percentage
1. Ric Flair (90%) 2. The Undertaker (87%) 3. Triple H (86%)

Most Losses
1. MVP (121) 2. Chavo Guerrero (96) 3. Mark Henry (84)

Highest Losing Percentage
1. Matt Striker (100%) 2. Deuce (96%) 3. Nunzio (93%)

What the numbers tell us:

Even though CM Punk had the second most amount of wins last year, he only had a 68% winning rate. That's quite low for a former World Champion.

Triple H wins a lot. Sure the Undertaker has a higher win percentage but Taker competed in much fewer matches (not to mention house shows). Triple H is the true champion of winning. By the way, #4 on highest winning percentage was Primo Colon. I guess he is really better than his brother.

Considering he was given a large push on ECW, it's surprising to see how many times Mark Henry lost last year. Then again, he lost his stank a few years ago. Plus, he did not job over 100 times last year. That distinction goes to one man…

MVP Wins! MVP Wins! MVP Wins!

According to the Wrestling Observer, "For people wondering where MVP's losing streak is going, he was told it will result in a babyface turn at the conclusion of the storyline. MVP is now accepting of the angle with the rationale that he can protect his body because he's not supposed to have stellar matches during the losing streak, which means less physical risks."

Good to see that MVP is taking his losing streak in stride. Unlike other superstars who just lose matches each week, at least MVP has a storyline that is actually leading somewhere! While a face turn seems a little perplexing, it's not the worst thing the WWE has thought of (Colin Delaney's and the Coach's heel turns were worse). Plus, we will witness the return of the "Ballin'" elbow drop! EPIC WIN!

Kizarny in the Proverbial Doghouse

Unlike MVP, one Smackdown Superstar is on the path to be buried. According to the main page, "Kizarny is already off to a bad start with the company, and there is heat on John Laurinaitis due to him backing him. Kizarny and MVP were booked on recent house shows, with MVP dominating the matches, and then losing via a fluke to keep his "loser" gimmick alive."

Unlike MVP's losses, a fluke win does even worse for Kizarny. Here's another WWE Smackdown superstar that has months of buildup only to be soured upon right out of the gate (R-Truth and Hurricane Helms come to mind). Throw in the fact that both Taker and Triple H (big winners) reside on the blue brand and I doubt to see why any young superstar wants to be on that brand.

The Return of Superstars!

According to the Observer, "With the arrival of the new 'WWE Superstars' show in April, it will probably mark the end of the bi-weekly Smackdown tapings that have been done as a cost-cutting measure, as WGN's parent company The Tribune Company is paying an undisclosed sum for broadcasting rights. With an additional hour of taping, it would necessitate three hour tapings on both Mondays and Tuesdays weekly to fill six hours of first-run programming each and every week.

WWE.com posted a brief statement regarding the announcement of the show, and the last sentence of the statement pretty much confirms it being a show featuring all-new matches. It reads: "The new program, scheduled to debut in April 2009, will give the WWE Universe the opportunity to watch Superstars from Raw, SmackDown and ECW mix it up in the ring together on one program.""

EPIC WIN. Now we have a place to watch all of Smackdown's forgotten superstars (see above) in addition to Raw's jobbers. I bet Slimmer will be up for recapping Superstars. It's not like he writes anything else anymore.

Kozlov is Outed

Here's next month's No Way Out poster:



Well at least now Kovlov has a chance to get retribution for Chernobyl.

The Uninvited

For those we have forgotten about in 2008, the following is for them:




RAW is Small

Jericho and Orton open Raw with an interview! Thank Goodness this short-lived stable carried on past Armaggedon. Damn, a Ric Flair mention.

Damn times two, a full body shot of Stephanie McMahon! Someone's getting fired for that!

Damn, damn, damn (James), Shawn Michaels is NOT in the Royal Rumble. Neither is Triple H for that matter (oops spoiler). Hmm… HBK vs. Triple H at the Rumble?

I thought that part of Goldust's contract is that he does not wrestle anymore. Seriously, keep him in quick comedy skits – that's the only time I want to see the Golden one. I know JP appreciates the matching wardrobes of both the heels and the faces.

Kudos to the guy with the "Rose Mendez Fan" sign. That's the most ingenious sign I've seen since "Small > Slimmer."

William Regal totally copped a feel on Layla. Lucky bastard!

Wow, a three minute movie trailer for "Taken." And it's not too shabby. Thank God the trailer did not turn into a silly horror remake.

Oh man, episode 2 of BROMANCE with Randy Orton. Manu only wants to be Orton's friend!

Kofi & Rey vs. Miz and Morrison was a solid match. Hopefully Kofi's not injured. But if he is, I know Rey's ex-partner RVD would totally want his spot.

I love how Michael Cole said "Who is that" when Mike Knox attacked Rey Mysterio! VINTAGE COLE!

I wish Jillian would get a singing partner. Would it have killed for the WWE to have kept Daivari around?

Next week, Kane will go back to pleasing himself! Good to see the WWE writers have finally watched Kane's own "See No Evil."

Did the WWE ever mention if Cryme Tyme put Hacksaw out to pasture a few weeks ago?

Oh great, another superstar using the Roll of the Dice Finisher. Because it worked so well for Luther Reigns, Test, Reno, Chuck Palumbo and uh… Kenzo Suzuki?

Sim Snuka got burned! In two weeks, Vinnie Mac is back! I hope they steroid test him!

I love how Kelly Kelly's crappy Rocker Dropper picked up a win tonight but VINTAGE Cena's does not cause much damage! I do actually like how Cena wisely left the ring during HBK's band performance.

Overall, the show, like the main event, was solid but not spectacular. I'm surprised with the lack of buildup for the Royal Rumble considering that's been one of Smackdown's recent strengths. Next week, the WWE will try to counter the return of Jack Baurer with John Cena vs. HBK, Kane vs. Orton, and Punk vs. Regal matches. Which show will Small watch? Tune in next week to find out!

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Womanizer, Womanizer…

You heard it here first: Kurt Angle is currently dating TNA Knockout Rhaka Khan! For the first time in my life, I am actually speechless…


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Seeing as today's edition was a tad dry, I might as well end things on a happier note. For those of you who have wished ill on Batista, I hope the following video changes your mind.



For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!