If I Could Be Serious For A Moment 01.13.09: Parallel Universes
Posted by Chris Lansdell on 01.13.2009
We've long been told that art imitates life. Join me as I demonstrate how wrestling imitates life.
Greetings, humanity! Welcome back to If I Could Be Serious For A Moment, returning after a longer-than-expected hiatus. After a Christmas vacation (which serves as the inspiration for this column) and two computers blowing up on me, it's been an interesting couple of weeks. I figured that you, my loyal readers (all eight of you), would rather have no column at all than a half-arsed effort thrown up in a last-ditch lunge for the deadline. To make up for it, I've got some esoteric parallels to entertain and divert you. BANNER!
Life, and how wrestling is like it
For many of us, wrestling is a major part of our lives. For some of us, it is too major. Having recently turned 30 I felt it was time to sit down and seriously analyse my life, and one of the scariest things I realised was just how much of my spare time is taken up with wrestling. Being on vacation at the time, I had this incredibly corny and clichéd epiphany where I realised just how many aspects of wrestling had direct links to life. Not just the obvious things like the struggle of good versus evil, or the triumph of perseverance; this was on a completely different, eccentric level. In other words, the kind of things about which only a very strange person would ever think. We can all draw lines from John Cena to Superman, from Vince McMahon to Lex Luthor and so on, but from planes taking off to Jeff Hardy? Trust me, it works, and I'm not even smoking a Michael O special.
He flies like a bird, in the sky I Can't Let Maggie Go, The Honeybus (paraphrased)
The very first thing I realised on my vacation was how much I love flying, or more specifically how much I love the feeling of taking off. Sitting in those big padded chairs (even in Economy class now!), the plane accelerating down the runway to speeds you would never reach in your car, and then that feeling when the plane separates from the ground, shattering the chains of gravity to soar unfettered into the great blue beyond. Yes I know it's syrupy, but it's an amazing feeling and if you've never flown, you're missing out. Of course the turbulence, crappy airline food, snoring passengers next to you, tiny toilets and lack of internet access can quickly sour that feeling for some travelers, but the initial rush of endorphins is unmatched. For me, at any rate.
So how the hell does this relate to wrestling, and more particularly to my perception of it? I've long been of the opinion that high-fliers in wrestling have a screw loose, especially people like Jeff Hardy who jump on to people and things from very high places. I've also not been a tremendous fan of people like PAC who spend large portions of the match climbing the ropes only to jump off again, twisting and turning in the process. For me, that sort of thing lessens in impact the more that it is done, and a 630 corkscrew plancha only cheapens a simple splash from the top rope if it's done every match. It was a mystery to me why anyone would do that to themselves, given that high-fliers traditionally haven't been main eventers for long, and have held major titles for even less. The pops they get from the crowd generally don't last and they are quickly forgotten when the inevitable injuries come. Why, then? Simply put, they want to take off. For someone like Jeff Hardy to jump off the scaffolding of the TitanTron and soar for several seconds has got to be a feeling even greater than taking off with the aid of several thousand pounds worth of metal.
Looking at high-flyers from this angle has given me a new appreciation for what they do, even if it hasn't wholly changed my opinion on the necessity of it all. That double moonsault from the top of a cage to the floor that Jack Evans pulled off in Ring of Honor must have been as close to flying as a human can get, and in that regard you have to not only respect him for being willing and able to do it, but you also have to envy him the thrill of doing it. As a rather large part-time wrestler who is very friendly with gravity, I can only sit back in my fully upright position chair, ensure my tray table is up and my cabin baggage is under the seat in front of me, and wait for takeoff.
Let Me Entertain You
One of my biggest joys in life is my son. At almost 8 years old he amazes me and makes me proud every day. In fact, when he reads this column he'll be so unbelievably excited to be mentioned that he will not calm down for days. When you take a child out of his environment, he can react in one of two ways: thrive, or clam up. The little guy has always had a way with children younger than him, and we've always known he was a good reader. When we put him in front of a 12-year-old aunt he'd never met before, 2 cousins under 3 who were very shy and a grandfather he'd only seen once, he blossomed. He read stories to the younger kids and had them laughing, playing and hugging him before the end of the first day. He had his aunt on the floor playing all sorts of games with him, and was able to elevate himself to her level. He charmed the pants of cousins, family friends, grandparents and anyone else who stood still long enough. Not to say he was perfectly behaved, but the kid made me beam with pride more than hide my face in shame. Considering the fears we had before leaving that he would clam up or act out, this was a refreshing surprise.
This links to wrestling in three ways. The first is that too often wrestling promoters, bookers and writers are missing phenomenal talents out of a fear that they will not succeed. Insulating people (including children) from the chance of failure also blocks them from a chance at success. If Vince McMahon hadn't taken a flyer on Steve Austin, where would WWE be now? Who knows what other undiscovered gems are hiding in the WWE, TNA, ROH or any other locker rooms? We'll never know unless these talents are given a chance to shine. In Jeff Hardy, WWE are taking a risk that so far has not backfired, even if there hasn't yet been a substantial success that can be attributed to his title reign. TNA took a huge risk in hiring Vince Russo and giving him so much power, and it has led (eventually) to some of the best stories on TV and the best ratings they have ever seen.
Our second link is that sometimes, a change can do wonders for a character or for a person. Just ask Sheryl Crow. Whether it's my son changing environments and thriving, or a wrestler like Steve Austin, Glen Jacobs or even Sean Waltman going from lower midcard obscurity to upper-card success with a new gimmick, the important thing is that they just needed somewhere they were comfortable. Of course it's not fail-proof (witness the numerous attempts to repackage Mike Shaw, Kevin Fertig and Brutus Beefcake), but everyone has a comfort zone and once they find it, they are more apt to thrive.
The third and final link lies in the ability to appeal to a wide range of people. John Cena doesn't shift all that merchandise because of his stellar in-ring abilities. Women want to do him, kids want to be him and adults see him as a clean role model for their children. Lansdell Jr can adjust his level 6 years in either direction, which for a kid of 7 is remarkable. Somewhere along the line, all the constant indoctrination of good manners seems to have worked because adults find him polite and pleasant. For any wrestler to be successful these days, they have to appeal to more than one section of the market. CM Punk's straight-edge lifestyle has been toned down in WWE because a large section of the audience wouldn't "get it" or would find it uncool. Cena stopped taking about "deez nuts" so that parent's wouldn't mute him. In the Attitude era this was less important because so many people were watching. Nowadays the focus is on more family-friendly entertainment, since kids remain the surest source of revenue in a cash-strapped time.
It's Not You, And It Might Not Even Be Me
On a sadder note, I found out soon after my arrival that a couple who had been dating for about 8 years had split up. There was no infidelity, no massive argument, no money issues...they just realised that they weren't going to spend the rest of their lives together, and that for either of them to advance in life it needed to be alone or with someone else. The one to whom I was closer told me that he does have some hard feelings, in that they both kind of knew it for a while but never acted on it, and now he feels like the last 3 years at least were a waste.
There a couple of parallels here, one of which should be fairly obvious: Gabe Sapolsky's RoH departure. Gabe had been with Ring of Honor for over 6 years, and there had never been a serious complaint made about his booking. Fans were generally happy with the direction of the company, and the gradual expansion seemed to be satisfying the owner. However, Silkin realised that RoH was never going to attain his goal with Sapolsky at the helm. It was time to move on if he wanted to move up, and when he did so a lot of people were left scratching their heads and digging for a scandal. The knee-jerk reaction was to blame someone, when the reality was that this change was likely in the best interests of both parties.
The second parallel is a little more esoteric. Wrestlers in the twilight of their careers, especially those who were big in the late 80s and early 90s when spending faster than you earned was in vogue, have a tendency to stick around longer than they should because of the comfort factor, or because they feel they need to. Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, Sting, Mick Foley, Terry Funk, Abdullah the Butcher...it's not a short list. If they weren't still putting on great shows on a consistent basis, you could add Regal, Finlay, Undertaker and Shawn Michaels to that list. When they finally do go, it's often because they were forced out and they end up wrestling in high school gyms in front of 50 people with a combined weight greater than the entire roster. Knowing when to quit before it's too late is essential in all walks of life, but in a business like wrestling where your next mistake could be your last ever, it's even more important.
It's not my life, it's part of it
On a related note, I learned something while I was away. I was in England, staying with family who did not get Sky Sports. My laptop died while I was there and as a result, I was without access to anything wrestling for nigh-on 2 weeks. There was a time, when I was writing for this site 6 nights a week, that such a break would have been akin to torture. It's part of the reason that I handed off Ask 411 to Sforcina when I came back: watching wrestling is a hobby, and as such should be a part of my life. Before I left, it was my life, and I realised just how much I was missing because of that. Take my word for it, readers: there's more to life than wrestling. Enjoy it, experience it and exult in it.
Moment over.
411mania is not impervious to the current economic downturn. The following guidelines, released just last Thursday, have taken effect immediately:
The 411 Hooker Budget has been reduced and the following names are the only ones remaining on the approved list - Vickie Guerrero, ODB, Anna Nicole Smith, Amy Winehouse and AJ Grey's sister.
The alcohol budget has been reduced also. At staff gatherings, the first American beer is on the house. Canadian, German, Belgian or any other real beer is off limits.
We considered talent cuts, but we couldn't find any to cut.
Ashish has petitioned the Federal government for a bailout, but was denied because we do not have an automobile section.
Csonka's catchphrase has been changed to "Many savings!" "No buys!" will remain the same. We considered changing Lansdell's to "Numerous responsible purchases", but nobody reads that hack.
Lansdell and Randle will be writing more columns, until the Canadian dollar passes ours again.
Due to a drop in share price, we will now be known as 41.1mania.
That's the column for this week folks. Stay Cool, Rock Hard.
