411Mania Saturday Morning's Main Event! 01.17.09

Posted by Steve Cook on 01.17.2009

A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself.

Good morning everybody! It's your favorite Saturday morning news reporter…well, except for the chick on the Weekend Today Show. I'll go ahead and admit that this isn't exactly one of my better outings, as I've spent more time this week reading Bret Hart's auto-biography, watching college basketball and doing my actual job than keeping up with the wrestling news. Hopefully I'll manage to cover the main topics of discussion in a somewhat original matter.

And yes, the book is highly recommended by me and I've only gotten to the part where he beats Mr. Perfect for the Intercontinental Title. What a read.

Let's get this started before my pyro malfunctions, shall we?

Here's the news!

There have been more additions to the WWE's termination list. Let's take a look at this week's casualties, shall we?

* Matt Cappotelli – The latest news I've heard on Matt is that his brain tumor was removed and he hopes to return to wrestling someday. I can't say I agree with WWE's decision here, but one hopes that if he becomes ready to have wrestling matches again, WWE would welcome him with open arms. Very positive guy, it seems like nobody has anything bad to say about him. Well, except Bob Holly, but we'll get to him later…

* Gavin Spears – The newsbite I read on Spears worried me because it says that Spears was basically in the same boat with Ryan Braddock and my boy Scotty Goldman as far as WWE Creative was concerned. Scotty's got a show on WWE.com now, so let's hope that gives them enough of a reason to keep him around. I mostly remember Spears from his work teaming with Cody Rhodes, and he certainly wasn't any worse than Cody. Unfortunately for Spears, his father isn't the bull o'tha woods, if yew weel.

* Mike Kruel – Kruel was on the indy circuit for a long time before finally making it to developmental, and I've always thought he had some potential. But I never saw him as a potential top guy, and WWE likely felt the same way. Kruel will be able to find work elsewhere, he's a solid hand.

* Ron Simmons – You're going to pay somebody to walk out and say "DAMN"? Really? From a financial standpoint it makes sense, and I figure Simmons will likely be invited back from time to time for one-shot deals because the fans like him pretty well. Certainly he'll be back for next year's Slammys, right?

* Agent/Producer Sgt. Slaughter – OK, this one pissed me off. How can you fire a true American hero at a time of war? That's gotta be bad karma. Seriously though, I am quite a fan of the Sarge and am disappointed to see him go. He was a great worker back in his day, and I, for one, enjoyed his annual matches putting the young talent over. He will be missed. Maybe I should wear my Sgt. Slaughter t-shirt to the bar tonight.

* Referee Mickey Jay – I always had problems getting used to Mickey's name change in order to keep people from mistaking him with Mickie James. Maybe they didn't think Miss James' boobs were big enough (impossible) to keep people from getting confused. In any event, Mickey had been on medical leave and hadn't been on television in months.

* Hade Vansen - It was a tough month or so for Mr. Vansen, who at one point was pegged for a program with the Undertaker. I can't help but think that my negative review of his one Smackdown promo was what set Vince McMahon off. Yeah, it was a rip-off of Christopher Daniels, but I would have given him a few more vignettes to see what he could do.

* Bob Holly – Holly hadn't been on television on ages and was with WWE for fifteen years. I'll leave it to other people to hate on him…my favorite period of Holly's career was when he was in the Hardcore division, claiming he weighed well over 400 pounds and running with his cousins Crash & Molly Holly. Those were the days. He seemed like a bit of an asshole though, so I can see why people won't be too broken-hearted over this one.

Also possibly out of a job soon…Tommy Dreamer. His contract expires in June, and rumor has it that he will be leaving WWE then. Is it just me or has Tommy Dreamer's career actually lowered in value since entering WWE back in 2001? I don't know, but I'm pretty damn sure that his bank account increased in value. So good for him.

Victoria is definitely out of a job, as she has opted to leave WWE and retire from professional wrestling. Her last match was on WWE Smackdown last night, in a losing effort against Michelle McCool. In a statement posted on her MySpace page, Victoria said that she wasn't interested in continuing with WWE in the role she was in, and has plenty of other things to occupy her time. We here at 411mania.com wish Victoria the best in her fut-wait a minute, that's somebody else's line.

I've always been a big Victoria fan…she was easily one of the best workers they had in the women's division, but I have to admit that she was never really the same after she started dancing down to the ring in mid-2004. Something about that just changed the way I looked at her, I suppose. Which is just as well because Sforcina would have killed me if I went after her.

Meanwhile, Christian (Cage)'s WWE return has been confirmed…by TNA President Dixie Carter! Didn't see that one coming. From what we saw on Smackdown last night, one presumes that he's on course to be the mystery man causing harm to Jeff Hardy and his "fiancée". As for Dixie, she claimed in an interview with Britain's Daily Star that their ratings are competitive with WWE. Yes, this is true…in the same way that Mike Brown claims that the Cincinnati Bengals are competitive with the rest of the NFL. I've heard this song and dance before, what can I say?

For those of you following the Dos Caras Jr. saga, he announced this week that he will not be going to WWE and has signed a four-year deal with EMLL. He stated that he will be better off staying in Mexico, and wasn't interested in starting in the bottom at WWE. Probably a smart move on his part. There was talk that WWE was going to sign him mostly because they thought he'd be dumb enough to sign for 100,000 dollars a year and be ok with 100,000 pesos.

There was a report the other day about Tiffany Pollard, who is some chick on VH1 that people hate (I've never seen anything she was on, for the record…I got my reality fix for the year with my CCW recapping) apparently in negotiations with WWE to either become a wrestler or appear at WM 25. Nothing official has been reported, so anything on this topic would be pure speculation on my part. The commenters seem interested in this news development for some reason, so I thought I might as well mention that I have no idea what's going on and don't really know who the heck she is. So there. I hear that the website that originally reported it isn't exactly known for having all the facts all the time, so take it with a grain of salt.

But it certainly wouldn't surprise this observer if WWE brought in some annoying chick with no connection to wrestling to do something at a WrestleMania. Hell, Kim Kardishian was at WM just last year! This is something WWE likes to do, and it's really not worth my time (or your time, for that matter) to bitch and moan about it.

The thing causing the most controversy within WWE this week other than all the firings is WWE.com's list of the 25 Greatest Managers. I'm shocked that somebody in WWE knows what a manager is. Anyway, here's the list!

25. Frenchy Martin
24. Gary Hart
23. Jason
22. Terri Runnels
21. Michael "PS" Hayes
20. Paul Ellering
19. Oliver Humperdink
18. Johnny Valiant
17. Bill Alfonso
16. James Dudley
15. Harvey Whippleman
14. Teddy Long
13. Sunny
12. Slick
11. Sherri Martel
10. J.J. Dillon
9. Mr. Fuji
8. Miss Elizabeth
7. The Grand Wizard
6. Arnold Skaaland
5. Jimmy Hart
4. Paul Bearer
3. Captain Lou Albano
2. Freddie Blassie
1. Bobby Heenan

Well, there are a couple of very notable exclusions (mostly because they're not on the best of terms with WWE), and some people placed inexplicably high. From what I've seen of Arnold Skaaland he has no business even being in the top 25, much less in the 6 slot. I'm not very high on Lou Albano either…sure, he was a funny character, but number 3? Don't think so. Harvey Whippleman…well, that's based more on behind the scenes stuff. I don't have an issue with them giving him some love. And they certainly got number 1 right.

Here's my top ten list, which is a combination of merit and people I just liked watching.

10. James Mitchell – Probably not top 10 of all time, but he's always been one of my favorites and I like him more than most people on the list
9. Sherri Martel – Bar none, the greatest valet of all time. No woman comes close, and I think most of them would agree.
8. Jimmy Hart – Fun promo, great outfits
7. Paul E. Dangerously – Would probably be higher if he didn't have that promotion to run in the mid 90s.
6. J.J. Dillon – Was perfect with the Four Horsemen
5. Paul Bearer – Was integral to the development of Undertaker & Kane, and did some good stuff as Percy Pringle III too.
4. The Grand Wizard – In his time he had more respect than any other wrestling manager.
3. Freddie Blassie – Legend of the business, was the top heel manager in his time.
2. Jim Cornette – One of the greatest promos of all time, always great at getting heat
1. Bobby Heenan – Do I need to explain?

Feel free to disagree, but those who irk me shall have to listen to a six-hour tape of Lou Albano promos turned up full blast. Over and over again.

John Cena's finishing moves are no longer the F-U and the STFU. Instead they are the Throwback and the STF. In other news, people who hate John Cena still hate him, and people who like John Cena still like him.

In some sad news, independent wrestler Paul E. Normous died yesterday at the age of 33. He had a brief role in The Wrestler, which premiers somewhere in Cincinnati this weekend. I might try to go see it if I can figure out where the theater showing it is. It's always sad when a wrestler (or anybody, for that matter) dies so young.

TNA has been going through a bit of an injury bug lately. Awesome Kong injured her back, Christy Hemme injured her neck, Robert Roode injured his ankle, Alex Shelley has a minor neck injury and Sting has two injured knees. Wish I'd known about Sting's knees before knocking him on Lansdell's Impact recap.

TNA Lockdown will be held at the Liacouras Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The strangely named arena is at Temple University, which is most well known for being Bill Cosby's alma mater and for being the college where John Chaney coached basketball for many years. Honestly, I don't know who I got more laughs out of, Cosby or Chaney. In any event, Philadelphia has hosted a wrestling event or two, and now they're getting another one.

Speaking of wrestling shows, Ring of Honor announced a debut show for Indianapolis, Indiana on March 14th. This leaves me with what could be quite the dilemma, as that date coincides with the championship game of the Big East basketball tournament. It could be a moot point if Louisville loses earlier in the tournament, but there still could be a conflict! Another possible conflict would be the person who drives me to these shows running out of money. We'll see how things develop. But I do like going to Indianapolis…it reminds me a lot of my work city Cincinnati, with the added bonus of something to do after 8 PM.

Rodney Mack & Jazz are expecting twins. Congratulations to Mr. & Mrs. Mack, and I am really fighting the urge to make a transsexual joke here because that just isn't classy.

Low Ki is working under the name Kawal in FCW. I was wondering what exactly "Kawal" means, so I looked it up in the Urban Dictionary and it tells me that to Kawal is to trick or deceive. So I'm guessing Ki won't be working as a babyface.

It seems that Chris "Braden Walker" Harris has been talking a lot over the past week. The general theme is that he didn't like working in WWE, he didn't get a chance to get over, and basically blamed everybody there except himself. But he will come back, and is currently working in the NWF, his hometown promotion and home of my favorite CEO in wrestling, Kirk Sheppard. Hopefully Harris will get back to being the Wildcat that was a solid performer in TNA and always good for at least a decent match.

If I can get off on a rant for just a second here…you know, it's awfully easy for people who just saw Harris as Braden Walker or even just his stuff since TNA arrived on Spike TV and say that he never was anything. Can't say I blame you. But I remember flipping channels in 1998 and coming across a local wrestling show on a public access channel that featured "Wildcat" Chris Harris and the man who eventually became Abyss. I've had the chance to watch Harris come up through the ranks and have seen him do some really good stuff along the way. I'll be the first to tell you that his ECW stint sucked…he was in terrible shape and had terrible matches. But that isn't the Chris Harris I saw in the NWF & TNA. The guy had potential. He lost it somewhere along the way. Maybe he can get it back. I'm willing to give the guy a chance. After all, America is the land of second chances.

It's also the land of Sgt. Freaking Slaughter.

Finally, Kevin Nash is recovering from surgery to remove an infection from his elbow. We wish Mr. Nash the best in his recovery and hope he graces us with more entertaining blogs during recovery.

Feedback!

The Rock's DVD has a bunch of promos as a special feature. Isn't the bit with the Hurricane in that?

Posted By: Steve307 (Guest) on January 10, 2009 at 12:43 AM

There's a bit with Rock & Hurricane, but you'd appreciate that bit more if you saw the bits leading up to it. I thought there were a few too many strudel promos, but you usually can't go wrong with Rock promos. The man needed four discs, like Jeff Jarrett.

If you haven't seen enough wrestling in 2008, why are you writing a wrestling column for the #1 wrestling website???

Posted By: Alcoholic (Guest) on January 10, 2009 at 02:09 AM

I don't have enough money to watch all the PPVs and buy all of the ROH & other independent promotion DVDs. Yeah, I can hear some of you telling me to download them illegally, but my computer is stuck in the technological Stone Age and isn't really capable of such things. I would care to guess that most 411 readers don't watch every single PPV or every single DVD…maybe the matter shouldn't have kept me from voting, or I should have just said that there were too many categories for me to bother with sitting down and pondering over. I'm a busy man.

I totally agree...that fat stomach on that ad is disgusting!

Posted By: Red (Guest) on January 10, 2009 at 10:27 PM

The people have spoken!

Steve, you have to admit that Sosa's shot was lucky. BASTERDS!!! I was expecting a blowout. At least UK made a bowl. Seriously, what happened to UL's football team? I thought they would be better than that.

Posted By: The Great Capt. Smooth (Guest) on January 11, 2009 at 11:29 AM

Hell yeah it was lucky. But after the last couple of football seasons we're owed some luck from the college sports gods. As for UK basketball, I told my best friend (who happens to be a UK graduate but I don't hold that against him) that I was really impressed with how UK played in that game and thought they'd do pretty well in the SEC schedule. And after seeing what Jodie Meeks did to Tennessee Tuesday night, I stand by my prediction. You guys will be fine. Meanwhile, I'm talking myself into thinking that we might be able to win the Big East through luck, scheduling and pure talent.

To answer your question…two words: Steve Kragthorpe. I haven't seen such bad coaching since…well, anybody that's coached the Cincinnati Bengals over the past two decades.

The Godfather manages Cheetahs, Disco is a bouncer at Sapphires.

Posted By: POTTS (Guest) on January 11, 2009 at 07:50 PM

Well, there goes that research trip I was trying to talk Larry into funding. I still appreciate the info.

Plugs

A Brace For Impact features the greatest Ask 411 Wrestling writer of all time…joining Chris Lansdell for commentary on the second-highest rated Impact episode of all time. Coincidence? Hmmm.

Speaking of Lansdell, this week in another column he compares wrestling to real life and talks about 411 cutbacks. Cutbacks? That explains why my Woodford Reserve has been replaced with Natty Light…

Eubanks informed me that it was Lesbian Bowling Night at his bar. I was almost tempted to hop on a plane and see the spectacle myself.

Csonka's grammar is horrendous. It's "Swagger", not "Swagga". Insolent fool. In related news, I was thinking the other night about how much I disliked Jack Swagger's ring name, but then I thought about how it was kinda similar to another great wrestling ring name. Think about it…Jack has a Swagger about him, just like how Ric had a certain Flair about him. Hmmm? I'm sold on the name now. Not entirely sure about the wrestler, he's still got some time to develop but is off to a decent start.

Slimmer talks about idiots in line at wrestling shows. Perish the thought.

In closing, one of my friends asked me if there was anybody that disputed the upcoming WWE Hall of Fame induction of Stone Cold Steve Austin. Outside of his ex-wives, I would guess probably not.